To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

I'm a decade older than you, and have learnt to not give too much of a stuff about other people's weddings. I married young, and had my only sister, my only cousin, and a friend as bridesmaids. When my cousin married, I thought she might ask me and my sister, or the two little girls I had by then. Instead, she asked a couple of friends that she hadn't met until university. Who knows why?! But it was her choice, and didn't affect our relationship or mean that the three of us are no longer close. It's nice to be asked, but doesn't necessarily mean anything to not be asked.

I disagree with the masses and think this SHOULD affect your friendship - not in that you should confront or fall out with her but in that you need to find other friends and put more energy into them than her.

It seems clear that there is a huge imbalance here - that you have always considered her your closest friend and hence prioritised her but she has many friends and clearly doesn't see you as one to prioritise.

She's sent you a clear message here and it's going to be hard to swallow but reacting negatively to it in any way is only going to reflect poorly on you.

Take some time to deal with the hurt and maybe book yourself a holiday or break away, if you can (preferably around the time of hen, if you feel it will be too confronting to be away with just her and other friends/bridesmaids) and then focus on a new hobby or group and look forward to a nice new outfit etc for her wedding.

Just step back from her a bit, OP. Put the spare time you would have spent on her on someone/something else.

I can add little further to the wisdom of the good women of MN, OP, who have (as often in these situations) given such helpful responses.

But if it's any comfort to you, I wasn't bridesmaid for one of my closest friends either - we grew up together from our primary reception year - and it didn't occur to me to mind either then or now. Secretly, I'd have hated it in any event. Looking back, I think it's probable that certain of her other friends might have acted up if they hadn't been chosen, and her then DH's sister certainly would have. It's likely that she knew I wouldn't, and in any case it left me better able to hang out with her parents, who I love as my second family.

I've never asked her reasons as it's never seemed to matter. But it hasn't affected our friendship one iota and many years later we are still close.

Kudos to you for taking the advice on this thread in such good part.

Same here - couldn’t ask everyone, didn’t want to leave anyone out so I asked my sister and a friend who lived close by - was so much more practical as they lived a few mins away and didn’t cause them or me any hassle to pop along for appointments etc

It sounds to me (unless I've completely read it wrong) that you don't know for definite that you're not a bridesmaid and you don't know if she's having any bridesmaids at all. You're getting upset about something you can't be sure of. I've been a bridesmaid twice and both times I got standard wedding invites.

If you haven't been asked to be a bridesmaid, it doesn't take anything away your friendship, you're still close. Sometimes though, our longest friendships aren't always our closest. If someone pinned me down and forced me to tell them who I see as my best friend, right at this moment, I wouldn't say my friend of 15 years or another of 11 years, I'd probably say a fairly new friend who I met last year. We just connect so well and I'd probably ask her to me a bridesmaid over other people if I were to get married again.

Sorry this made me laugh its a friend wedding not a breakup.
But so something i would say.

@aenre2or the only place the scenario you are upset about exists at the moment, is in your own head. You are worrying about something that isn't even real and hasn't happened. This is awful self-torture and you have made yourself really unhappy.

You cannot control other people, so whether or not your friend chooses you to be a bridesmaid is 100% outside of your control. You worrying about it now, is actually spoiling your relationship with her and your enjoyment of the anticipation of her wedding and for all you know, you may still be asked.

Maybe step back for a bit and reflect on what you are doing to yourself and maybe have a think about why you want to be asked so much. Does it come from a place of love and good wishes for your friend who is getting married, or because you want or need to be asked to be a bridesmaid. That sounds like a harsh question but it might actually be at the root of what is making you unhappy.

I hope whatever happens you have a fabulous time as a guest or bridesmaid at your friend's wedding and can celebrate and enjoy it fully on the day.

Being a bridesmaid is awful.

OP - I had a friend just like you, so do you mind if I offer you some advice?

To my (now ex) friend, I was one of her 'best' friends - the reason being that she had about 3 friends in total. I had a variety of friends accumulated from different times in my life. I liked my friend and enjoyed her company, but never considered her to be a best friend. When I got married, I thought hard about my bridesmaids - I had 4 - 2 friends and 2 sisters - and I honestly never considered this friend as an option. I just didn't feel that way about her. Well, that did not go down well with her. To the point that she actually asked if she could be one!! I said 'no'. So she asked if she could do a reading at the wedding. Again, No. Eventually we mutually agreed that she could pick some of the music for the wedding.

Then, when I had my baby, she was most put out that she wasn't either asked to be godmother or even invited to the Christening (small family only) and stopped speaking to me. It was utterly ridiculous. Yes, she was my friend, but somehow she felt that entitled her to access every part of my life, some of which was quite personal. I didn't pursue it after she took offense about the Christening and we haven't spoken since (11 years ago).

So, my advice is, just because you are friends, doesn't mean that she values you as much as you value her, and doesn't entitle you to make demands on her important life choices. Either go with the flow, or, if it isn't working for you, then end the friendship.

Sorry OP i’m also in the YABU camp. You’re overthinking it.

For example, just because you get on with her parents, and the two sets of parents are friendly, this doesn’t mean anything at all. I get on with my mum’s friend but i really dislike her daughter, even though we went to school together.

PPs are right when they say you’ve likely had a lucky escape. No way would i want to have the task of planning hen dos etc.

I’ve never been a bridesmaid for my 2 best friends as one of them wants to elope and the other got married in a registry office and didn’t have any bridesmaids. It really doesn’t matter.

Don't think not being asked to be a bridesmaid means you are not as fun, likeable or interesting as the ones she deems to ask instead of you. It means nothing of the kind and your mums comment was uncalled for. People choose bridesmaids often as a family tradition. I had a second cousin as mine as my mum had her mum as her bridesmaid and I was bridesmaid to my cousins mum. My daughter broke the tradition by choosing her own but you can see how family politics influence this. Maybe she has siblings with young daughters and is having them or even her own sisters or cousins.

I would not take all this too personally. Thank your lucky stars you won't have to organise hen dos or cope with any bridezilla nonsense. Certainly don't place any importance on this one decision she has made as reflecting how she sees your friendship or a judgement on your personality.

Fecking weddings! So much angst for one day. Elope people . Elope!!!

I can only think about how you must feel having watched this kind of thing in films. I've not been to too many weddings and most of the ones I've been to didn't have brides maids and I've never been one. I've been married twice and never had bridesmaids. But I've learned from this thread that they are a way of saying "THESE are my best friends", which is nice if you're selected and not nice if you aren't.

Lots of other people here have given examples of their own experiences. I am just advising her to move on. Loads of people get included in weddings or not. It's not the end of the world. She doesn't have to change who she is to appeal to the bride. She can choose not to go if she doesn't want to / feels let down.

Do you even know she is having bridesmaids? I would be gutted if a friend cut me off for not making them a bridesmaid. To much drama in weddings these days. Grow up and be happy for your friend whatever she chooses.

I was chosen to be bridesmaid ahead of another close pal only because I was same height as bride’s sister who was the other bridesmaid and it would look better on the photos! All sorts of seemingly crazy decisions are made round weddings, they make total sense to those paying for it and getting married and they are justified in what they are doing, just go with the flow- it’s not you ( unless your height may influence how good the photos are lol)

Well this 70+ year-old absolutely has best friends

There are 3 of us and we couldn't be closer

She got engaged 5 weeks ago and has already sent invitations? Or just save the date cards? I would be amazed if within 5 weeks, she has booked a venue, planned a guest list, arrange invitations and sent them out, as well as having reached any conclusions on bridesmaids etc.

Do you still live at home? Your relationship with your mother sounds odd. She does not sound kind or as if she is helping your self esteem. Has she always belittled you like that? Are your responses to situations always so child like?

Is it more a case of you have known her all your life as the daughter of your parents friends than truly a friend in your own capacity? It sounds as if you may have put more weight on it than she does. (Been there, done it myself, it stings).

Only there's no evidence whatsoever she's done anything so superficial. She may be having none, or only small children, or not have decided yet.

This, stop listening to her negativity. Tell her she isn’t helping your self esteem, and when she answers back that “ she is only telling you how it is” , tell her you are a grown up and don’t need her advice on how to play nicely in the playground any more.

F

Six bridesmaids??!?! I haven't got that many friends in the world!

Try not to take it personally, OP, she's probably chosen them because their hair colour matches her planned decor or something like that.

Firstly is she even having bridesmaids, or perhaps they are just little girls? I'm only having younger ones myself, all family

"Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend."

"She has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company."

"I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her"

"I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to."

Wow. Where to start.

Your friend might have had a really tough time choosing bridesmaids. Maybe she has been a bridesmaid for others and felt she had to repay the favour? Maybe she had to choose nieces / step-kids / cousins? Maybe she chose based on their dress size or skin tone (semi light-hearted but I do know women who would do and have done this!)... Regardless, it is her wedding and her choice.

The problems here are with you, not your friend. It sounds like you are extremely insecure with little to no confidence. You can't base your happiness or personality on decisions your friend has made. People always say you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy within yourself and the same applies to friendships. It isn't fair to put her in a place of being the one responsible for your self esteem and confidence issues.

A lot of what you have written sounds like you are a teenager, not a 30-something woman. Did something happen in childhood that you haven't managed to get over? I would suggest you need to start to see a psychologist to start to unpick some of the reasons why you feel the way you do.

FWIW my best friend didn't pick me to be her bridesmaid! She had her DD, DSD, best friend from childhood (who she was bridesmaid for) and her cousin. I wasn't offended and it has never affected our friendship (10 years on). I don't think we've even mentioned it?! Weddings are stressful and hard to plan. Don't make things more difficult for your friend.

nail on the head and lovely, kind advice.