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Original poster

To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

212 replies

aenre2or · 14/05/2024 23:41

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Downsyndromeadvocate · 17/05/2024 13:34

I do completely understand your hurt. My son is getting married soon and there's 3 sisters but only 1 who hasn't been chosen for a bridesmaid. It's hurt that sisters feelings a lot but she won't say anything because she doesn't want to upset the bride.
As a friend though, we often can't have all our friends as numbers would be too high. So maybe she's sticking to family members only or not having any at all.

Lottiemushroom · 17/05/2024 13:16

I have been friends with my bf since we where 3 she never asked me to be her bridesmaid but later on explained that she just couldn't afford another and wanted her family member to be included . Was I a little hurt yeah I'm human but I got over it . People have reasons for doing things they do . I think you have to focus on your own self worth and believe that you are a wonderful and amazing person but that not every thing is about you ( this isn't ment to be cheeky and it's hard )

LouHey · 17/05/2024 13:12

Perhaps she isn't even having bridesmaids. I didn't have any.

Mamanyt · 17/05/2024 00:18

Newnamehiwhodis · 15/05/2024 02:31

I came here to say this.
having been a sufferer myself (until I had lots of therapy! Life is so much better without this kind of horrible pain!)
I know that no amount of people telling you it’s not a big deal will help.

if you have RSD, what you’re feeling might be a deep physical pain that makes it hard to enjoy life at all right now.

if that’s the case, know that you’re not alone in this, and that this is normal and what you’re feeling is okay! BUT the stories your mind is coming up with as to what it means that she hasn’t asked you- those things aren’t true. At ALL.

the only facts you have are that you’ve been invited to her wedding, and that she will have bridesmaids (are you certain of this? Some people don’t want bridesmaids.)

there is a lot of political family jostling when it comes to bridesmaids and all that - sometimes it can be an absolute nightmare. You don’t have any info as to what she’s going through, or who she’s having to please with this. Weddings can be such a minefield for creating strife!

if this is someone you consider a dear, close friend, just try to trust that there will be some reason for this, and it’s NOT a rejection of you.

there’s a TED talk out there about rejection, and how it shows up in the same place in our brain as when we are physically hurt. The brain lights up like we broke a leg or something.

the way to help it, it is said, is to choose a trait about yourself that you are glad you have, proud of, that you feel is good. For example, your loyalty to this friend is quite a lovely trait.
then write about that trait. For some reason, this has to be writing by hand (not typing), in order for the brain to heal. Write why it’s helpful, why it’s a lovely trait to have, and how you would value someone with that trait in your life.

it’s a way to set the wound. It’s a way to deal with the hurt. Whether or not she rejected you, you’re feeling as if she did, and those feelings need some care.

hugs, op. I hope you find out she had to ask family members - I hope you go to the wedding and have a wonderful time - I hope you wind up being so glad you’re not stuck in a bridesmaid’s dress, in that tedious job (it can be awful! And expensive!)

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GOOD HEAVENS! Is there some way to only quote part of a response???

YES, about political jostling in families when it comes to bridesmaids! And it can be overwhelming. When I married, my mother gave me a list of young women who I had to have as bridesmaids, or start WWIII. NONE of them were my dearest friends. To accommodate just two of my friends and the "Must Haves," I'd have had 16 bridesmaids. At that point, I managed to get the bit between my teeth, cancelled the venue, cancelled the printers for invitations, tore up the guest list, and announced that I would get married on the beach with no one but my parents, his parents, and my godparents in attendance. Reception would be as planned. OH, the tantrums that followed! But it was a lovely wedding, if far lower-key than my mother wanted (suited me to a tee), and the reception was a rousing success.

Perhaps your friend is in something of the same situation, without the fortitude to stand up to the pressure (GOD KNOWS where I found it!).

beautifuldaytosavelives · 16/05/2024 23:17

I think the bridesmaids issue (or not) is a symptom of some far greater issues that people have spoke kindly about and OP has acknowledged to some extent. This is a real opportunity to ‘do the work’ OP, and extricate your self-validation from the actions of other people. Good luck.

MMAS · 16/05/2024 20:25

You sound like a dramatic princess who is incredibly needy. I tried four times to read your post and failed to read in full throughout. Me, me and me is all that came across from start to finish. Gave up on the middle. Your friend has been kind - what you fail to realise is that it is her wedding and she will no doubt choose to have around her friends that are not dramatic / princesses. This is her day not yours. Either accept the invite as a guest or decline gracefully - have you at least got that in you to do that without causing a hoohah?

CulturalNomad · 16/05/2024 20:25

RecklessGoddess · 16/05/2024 19:01

My best friend wasn't my bridesmaid, but then none of my friends were, I have 3 younger sisters and my ex had 3 younger sisters, so I chose all 6 of them to be my bridesmaids. I can understand why you feel that way, maybe talk to your friend and explain that you are confused as to why you were not chosen, since you have been very good friends since so young. She might be able to put your mind at rest.

They have known each other since they were young, but here's what the OP said in her original post:

She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company

"Keeping in contact" and getting together very occasionally doesn't point to an especially close friendship. And the OP's mother was surprised that she would expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid since the bride has such a wide circle of friends.

I think the OP and the bride would probably describe their relationship differently. It would be embarrassing for both of them if the OP questioned why she wasn't asked.

RecklessGoddess · 16/05/2024 19:01

My best friend wasn't my bridesmaid, but then none of my friends were, I have 3 younger sisters and my ex had 3 younger sisters, so I chose all 6 of them to be my bridesmaids. I can understand why you feel that way, maybe talk to your friend and explain that you are confused as to why you were not chosen, since you have been very good friends since so young. She might be able to put your mind at rest.

LalaPaloosa · 16/05/2024 18:36

Are you much prettier than she is? I had a colleague at work talk about not choosing any friends to be her bridesmaid who were better looking than her. She wanted to be the centre of attention in the day. I know it’s a bit weird, but who knows?

ooooohnoooooo · 16/05/2024 07:05

@aenre2or I agree with lots of the previous posters.

Fully understand why you might be a bit sad, but there are many, many factors at play here.

My bestie asked me to be her best woman after we'd only known each other about 5 years. She had loads of other more established long standing friends but asked me because I'm very organised and she knew I'd keep her calm (her words). It was no reflection on any of the others and she is still friends with them years on. She wasn't my bestie then, but is now.

Things change in friendships all the time. Things wax and wane, life gets in the way sometimes , and sometimes we lean on those obviously right in front of us, sometimes those we feel emotionally more connected to, those who are party animals when we need that.

I'd really suggest you start working on your self esteem a bit as it does seem a bit fragile (very common so don't add that to the self-inflicted pile on of why you think you are a bit rubbish - you're not!).

Try turning your thinking around. What fabulous outfit will you wear so that you feel a million dollars? What lovely gift will you give that she's really love? Can you save up to stay in a nice hotel for that weekend and make it really special for you? Weddings are lovely occasions and you can now relax, turn up looking amazing, eat, dance, chat and have a smashing time- with no pressure at all. All whilst watching someone you care about having the best day of her life. That's pretty special I'd say, and she's chosen to share it with you. Nice!

JJathome · 16/05/2024 06:52

From what I can see the op has no idea of who the bridesmaids are, how many or if any. She’s just assumed there is 4-6 and who they are, so I think some jealousy at play here.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2024 00:10

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 23:39

You're surprised @Aquamarine1029 ? This is Mumsnet, where friendships, marriages and even family relationships are viewed as transactional. Everything must be 50/50 at all times or "no contact" it is.

It must take a lot of energy to keep a scorecard for every person in your life.

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It certainly must. Not to mention being that self-centered and self-important.

Letsbuildazoo · 15/05/2024 23:47

Do you actually know who she's having as bridesmaids?
I'm engaged and only planning on having my sisters and sister in law, with dh's nieces as flower girls. My friends will all be wedding guests.
It might be that when you find out more about her wedding you will be less upset, depending on what she's actually planning.x

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 23:39

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 23:27

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Show quote history

You're surprised @Aquamarine1029 ? This is Mumsnet, where friendships, marriages and even family relationships are viewed as transactional. Everything must be 50/50 at all times or "no contact" it is.

It must take a lot of energy to keep a scorecard for every person in your life.

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 23:32

Vistada · 15/05/2024 21:46

My key takeaway from this is that your mum's a bitch.

Really? I can't see that her mother did anything wrong at all. It sounds like her mother was genuinely surprised that the OP expected to be a bridesmaid when (apparently) she's not particularly close to this women (who has a wide circle of friends).

The OP is 33 years old - is her mother not supposed to treat her like an adult and speak honestly?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 23:27

UtredSonOfUtred · 15/05/2024 22:09

Sorry to hear this OP.
Two of the four women I asked to be my bridesmaids did not ask me to be theirs, and I ended the friendships over it. I didn’t see how we could carry on after that.

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

NewName24 · 15/05/2024 22:49

UtredSonOfUtred · 15/05/2024 22:09

Sorry to hear this OP.
Two of the four women I asked to be my bridesmaids did not ask me to be theirs, and I ended the friendships over it. I didn’t see how we could carry on after that.

......... and this explains why there are so many posts on here from people with no friends.

Completely drama seeking over-reaction.

NewName24 · 15/05/2024 22:48

Vistada · 15/05/2024 21:46

My key takeaway from this is that your mum's a bitch.

Wow!

You have a low bar for using such a name

UtredSonOfUtred · 15/05/2024 22:09

Sorry to hear this OP.
Two of the four women I asked to be my bridesmaids did not ask me to be theirs, and I ended the friendships over it. I didn’t see how we could carry on after that.

Vistada · 15/05/2024 21:46

My key takeaway from this is that your mum's a bitch.

Cesarina · 15/05/2024 21:29

@aenre2or
You've had lots of mixed responses - I think some of them have been rather mean and harsh.
You can't help how you feel, and I don't really have any advice or suggestions, but I do understand why you are feeling rejected and I don't think you are being totally unreasonable at all.
But you can control how you manage this disappointment, (if your assumption about the bridesmaid issue turns out to be correct) - I just don't know how best to do it 🤷‍♀️

SerafinasGoose · 15/05/2024 17:36

margymary · 15/05/2024 14:24

Fecking weddings! So much angst for one day. Elope people . Elope!!!

We did. 😀

It's never been a decision we've regretted and if we had our time over again we'd do exactly the same thing.

Mummytotwonow · 15/05/2024 17:02

I would feel the same as you. It must be really confusing for you not knowing. I don’t have any useful advice but I would still go to the wedding as guest and then see how things are after.

SpringLobelia · 15/05/2024 16:52

She may not have any bridesmaids? (I didn't).

Or she may be in a situation where she has to have a future SIL(s) or family members as BMs. (My best friend basically got bullied into having her sister, a cousin and her groom's sister - it's not that uncommon).

But I think you have had a lucky escape to be honest. You get the fun stuff and none of the expectation and stress.

I'm glad you are considering counselling. I hope it helps. Thanks

StillNoSense · 15/05/2024 16:47

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 00:18

You are seemingly pinning all of your self-worth over not being someone's bridesmaid. Do you not appreciate how extreme and silly this is?

@Aquamarine1029 This happened to me. It was my ex's sister and I actually wrote her a letter to say how upset I was. She never contacted me and it took two years and her having a child to bring us back together again. (They got divorced, he was a cheat to his first wife and her and another wife after that and abandoned his child but that is another story).

I felt unworthy because my ex had been married and his ex-wife had had his sisters as bridesmaids, and this underlined that she was accepted and I wasn't. I made a terrific drama out of the whole thing and I feel ashamed of myself now. Thankfully it is a long time ago now and I don't see them.

I wasn't close with her like this OP is with her friend, but I wanted to be chosen, and I wasn't so I can relate to the OP whilst agreeing it is extreme and silly because I know I was.