To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

Gently, OP, I wonder if you do struggle with self esteem in general? I can see why this may be a surprise or shock, but how do you know what her plans are? Is she having adult bridesmaids at all? are their pressures on her to choose certain people?

I have never been a bridesmaid as an adult so I can see where you are coming from. It would be fun. But try not to take it too personally, I doubt it is meant that way.

you come across as quite needy. Perhaps your friend has picked up on this and doesn't want to be worrying about anyone else (you) in the lead up and on her big day so hasn't included you in the main bridal party.

Just buy a nice outfit and enjoy your day as a guest.

“Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered.”

this is the bit that stood out in your post to me. You felt forgotten or your felt excluded and you assumed your friend wasn’t bothered.

You need to do some work on yourself to feel more secure and less rejected. Sometimes we just have to bear these feelings and not catastrophise and reject people back.

I have lost friends who over reacted like you.

You probably do have perfectly valid reasons for feeling rejected and unhappy but you need to work hard to deal with these feelings or you will lost out more.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rejected.

My best friend got married abroad and I attended. Along with 6 of her university friends.
I was asked to organise the hen do, but wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid - as she'd decided not to have any. Although she did get her younger disabled sister to be ringbearer.
I did my utmost to not be bothered by that.
But what weirdly hurt the most was during the photos, there was "one with the friends", and all the uni mates swept in, surrounding the bride, and I was the odd one out right at the end of the line! Sorry, but it's clearly known I was best and oldest friend, I should have been next to the bride.
It's the only formal photo of me and the bride and I'm the afterthought pal!

When it came to having a photo or two from the wedding, I asked for a nice one of the bride and groom together. Which is framed and on a wall in my house. I couldn't face having the "friends" photo at all.

Have I missed something?

You clearly have not been helped or asked to help with card designs, etc etc all things people help Bride get prepared; and then naturally, some are chosen as a natural consequence of that proximity to wedding details and can be very helpful to other guests on the day.

So why would she choose you as a bridesmaid? Just because she has known you since 5? Are you teh ONLY person in teh world she has known since 5-10 yo?

Yes, you need counselling sharpish.

Your self esteem is so low so please do see someone about it. I've let it eat me up for years and now someone is helping me to see that I'm enough the way I am. I'd also say, please reconsider the camping trip. These little things are the first steps to being left-out for future events and that would massively contribute to the esteem issues. Hold your head high, be yourself and just remember that after a few months, weddings are history - lovely memories, but not the focal event they are before hand - friendships last forever, as do regular making memory events like camping holidays.

Step back and read your post - from what you have said even if you are good friends you have a more intense view of this friendship than she does.
you are reading ALOT into this - who is to say she is having 4-6 bridesmaids? Who knows how she is choosing any she is having (family only? Kids only? She might not have any). I had one bridesmaid and one pageboy (my child niece and nephew) and my sister was a sort of bridesmaid/maid of honour (chose her own nice dress to walk down aisle with her kids but nothing more).

Your other comments about cutting other people out also is a reflection on how YOU interpret and handle things and not necessarily anyone else doing anything wrong so you need to focus on that

When i read ops post I was actually more worried about posts like yours then ops. Can't you offer advice without sounding so arrogant ? I also picked up on a vibe from ops mum and so did another poster. Don't gas light ppl, it's not nice.

It sounds like she’s got lots of close friends and she’s had to pick somebody, which in effect means some people have had to be let down. Think of it this way, if you had been picked, others might be feeling the same way you are now. Short of having too many bridesmaids, there’s really no other way round this. She’s had difficult decisions to make and who knows what criteria she used to make them? Please try not to take it personally. Certainly don’t let it spoil the friendship going forward.

It’s her day not your she may have a good reason for not picking you. I’m getting married next year and it was hard picking my bridesmaids but I choose 2 of my sisters my cousin and then my best friend. My other best friends and they asked me to be theirs I wanted them but realistically it’s a big commitment to them and they have kids and it’s just a lot of effort on both sides so decided against and I didn’t want 6 due to Costs.

Wow.
I'm guessing you are a Billy no mates as well as Billynobates.

You are seriously saying that when a longstanding friend invites you to their wedding, your reaction would be to cut them off ?

I sent all invites out and then messaged who I wanted as maid of honour and bridesmaids separately. Flower girls and page boys were chosen later too. Main was to get invites out so people could book work off etc. she may not have friends as bridesmaids and just have family. Mine were family and 1 friend and who knows why that friend was chosen. It wasn't my friends that I had known forever and was friends with parents etc. it was one that was pregnant like I was and her mam thought I was a bad influence at school and my mam thought same about her 😂. It's not to make anyone feel bad it's just a choice in that moment so please don't feel bad about it. It's definitely not because it's a rubbish friendship just there will be other unknown factors in it that you aren't privvy to. Even now only one I really know why I chose was my sister as maid of honour. Others were just chosen and no rhyme nor reason 16yrs on that I can think of tbh. I'm still on great terms with everyone and no one told me they were upset about it, thankfully even now they say how great it was.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I had chronically low self esteem but learned the other way and was a loner and cut myself off from others including my own family. Therapy helped with this a lot, I’m sure you’re an amazing friend the fact that this has hurt you so much.

However, what strikes me is that if you choose this hill to die on you’ll likely lose your other friends too should it get nasty, or it’s certainly a risk to bear in mind. Honestly I would try and look fabulous, have a great time celebrating and leave it behind. If you hadn’t been invited at all that would be a bit different. I’m sure she’s very much looking forward to celebrating with you. Try and shake it off, and from personal experience a good therapist can be a massive help with issues like this once something identifies them to you and if you want to work on it.

FWIW I don’t think your Mum thinks little of you, it does sound a little like this is hurting you so much you’ve twisted things to fit the way you’re feeling. It’s easily done.

Good luck!

I’m not sure if the focus of your personal development and counselling should be limited to low self esteem, but also the question of why this one person is very much a focal person in your world and why so much of your emotions are pulled into her.

respectfully, your original post sounds so much younger than that of a 33 year old. I’d address this too.

I agree with other posters, I think that your mum/ your relationship with your mum is something to consider in this picture, too.

even your subsequent messages sound very consumed by this friendship .

Your mum is the problem

No wonder you have low self esteem! What a horrible thing to say to you!

Sod the bridesmaid thing and ditch your mum!

And yes you can get an invite and be asked to be a bridesmaid. That's how I did mine.

i can understand you being a bit miffed, but really the feelings of rejection you have seem out of proportion. You need to work on your self esteem. As well as therapy, consider doing some volunteer work where you will see just what a positive difference you make to
other peoples lives and how valuable you are as an individual. Do things that bring you joy, swimming, art classes anything g to get out and make new friends. Borden your horizons.

Has she asked anyone to be a bridesmaid yet though? Have you seen her since the invitation came out? Maybe she is waiting to ask you in person?
Maybe she just has so many people to choose from and doesn't want to upset anyone so is just going to have one bridesmaid or something?
I would at least wait until you know the full situation before getting too upset x

You don’t even know want the bridesmaid situation is yet?

I just chose someone who was actually not one of my oldest friends, then there would be no squabbling.

OP, please stop worrying yourself about this the possible scenarios in a nutshell are:
No bridesmaids or just a sister= result because it saves you feeling rejected and you also don't have to waste days faffing about in dress fittings and other painfully dull stuff.
Hasn't chosen them or notified them yet: is she one of these performative types that'll invite you all to dinner and make a big fuss of announcing it?
Is she an instatwat and isn't calling bridesmaids yet to check no ones gonna be preggers or dye their hair a stupid colour and spoil the aesthetics?
Is she having a big group of bridesmaids and excluding you? Well, fuck her. You don't need to say anything but you know the score, order really expensive drinks from the paid bar, leave early go to a fun bar once the tab runs out 😂
I've declined all 3 bridesmaid invites in my time and only attended 3 weddings in my 40 years because I can't think of many worse ways to spend a Saturday tbh 😂 I couldnt even be arsed to have my own wedding we signed and went for a pub crawl on the seafront, all 4 of us.
Life's too short, give it no thought.

why not read the OP’s posts?

I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her
In which case I assume you’ll politely decline attending her wedding so as not to appear a hypocrite?
Or see her again?

And I trust you will tell her why.

That is mean. In the case I mentioned further up the thread the bride had one of her sisters and not the other. She also had two work friends and she never bothered keeping in touch with them afterwards. Nobody had ever heard of them, it was odd. I know I was a real drama llama over it, but I had a lot of issues.

It's ok to be hurt. As the invites have only come 5 weeks after engagement, it's more than possible that she hasn't chosen yet! I didn't choose mine until maybe 6 months after engagement (it was an 18 month engagement due to pregnancy) and I didn't give anything away before I asked, because I wanted it to be a special moment and I bought little personalised gifts.

If you can't help it, ask her "are you having bridesmaids?" And see what she says. It gives her an opportunity to 'let you down gently' without you explicitly asking "am I a bridesmaid?"

I've seen my maid of honour once in the 12 years since I got married. She was brilliant on the day and organised everything really well, but then got busy with work (because she's so good at organising everything that she keeps getting promoted).