To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

Are you still friends? What did you say to her and how did she take the news?

My mum is currently feeling this way about her friends wedding, she expected to be asked to be bridesmaid and she wasn't. She's really upset and annoyed so you're not anlone in your feelings OP

I'm engaged and haven't really started thinking about my own wedding yet, but I've decided one thing, I'm only asking my sisters. I have 3 and my fiancées sister to be bridesmaids, that's 4 and I think that's more than enough. I have 3 other close friends but 7 bridesmaids in my view is too many. And I couldn't leave any of them out. I will tell each of them beforehand though that I'm only having my sisters and I'm hoping that save any hurt feelings, I'm also not haven't a maid of honour because I'm not choosing a favourite sister, that's really cruel

You are allowed to feel upset just don’t let it get out of control.

I did notice you said your Mothers meet up all the time, every week. Is it that they were very good friends so you two know each other through your Mothers?

I disagree with the majority here. You're not being unreasonable. You're allowed to have feelings on this. You consider this person an important enough friend that you figured you would be an obvious choice for a bridesmaid to spend with them on their special day. You thought you were that kind of friend, and now you're wondering if you might not be to them. Regardless of why the choice has been made, it sounds like you're feeling disappoint, reflected and let down. How you feel is entirely valid and okay. You can't control how you feel. You can't change the fact you expected something (whether rightly or wrongly) and are now feeling lots of emotions because it hasn't happened. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. After 28 years of friendship, it's understandable.

Everything else actually doesn't matter here because you're allowed to feel the way you feel, and process that the way you need, as long it doesn't result in you blowing up at your friend or being unnecessarily cruel - which it sounds like won't happen anyway.

But maybe try not to completely reassess this friendship because 28 years is a long time, and it doesn't mean your friend doesn't care about you. It just might not be quite the way you feel about her, which sucks, a lot, just maybe give yourself some time to process and deal with how you're feeling before making any rash decisions about your friendships future.

Is it the full invite or a save the date? If she is sending full invites 5 weeks after getting engaged maybe it’s a small wedding with no bridesmaids? As that’s super fast, I’d barely even told everyone I was engaged at that point!

If she had indeed had asked another 6 women to be bridesmaid, then I’m afraid she just doesn’t see you as her closest friend as you do her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t see you as a close friend at all, just that she has others in her life too. I don’t think anyone can blame her.

As someone else said, if you were bridesmaid or you were close enough to be, she would presumably have shared wedding plans with you before now, including asking your advice on the invites themselves!

I attended my closest friends wedding recently. She had no bridesmaids. But I was there for her throughout planning and on the day doing what a bridesmaid would normally do. Because that’s what friends do, it doesn’t need to be labelled imo and I actually find the whole wedding party thing quite outdated.

Oh but also wanted to say - invites our 5 weeks after engagement? Are they getting married very quickly?! That seems odd! Is it invites or save the date?

I don’t have any advice, sorry, just that I’d be really upset too. I live my life very similarly - get hurt easily and cut people out. I often feel I’m overlooked/let down/left out etc. I actually had one of my bridesmaids say to me “you’ll be mine too!!” I wasn’t.. no idea really how I got like this?

How are you making your friends wedding about yourself! Your reaction shows a lot about you so I’m not at all suprised she didn’t pick you! You sound like hard work.

I hope your friend has an amazing day and suggest you don’t take all this negativity to her as she won’t thank you for it and will probably have a laugh at your expense.

Don’t like not being picked and removing yourself from your friends… crazy!!! You will end up very sad and lonely.

Dudes, the OP hasn't been back since Wednesday. ..

And absolutely no one would have parties, weddings, bridesmaids or meals out, or anything that operated on a selective basis, because the people being 'open and authentic' would wail so much.

My god, if everyone was like OP there would be constant drama and tears and upset

Love this. I really took exception to someone’s post that they were not surprised if op was that intense in real life. OP was just being real. If everyone was so open and authentic the world would be such a better place. Stuff like this treatment from people who show their true colors is a signpost from life that you have not yet met your tribe!

Forgot to add I too posted about the topic on here at the time some years ago, and got similar responses, saying I was 'intense' 'hard work' and worse.
Unfortunately showing any kind of upset about friendship issues is not taken kindly by many on here, who seem to think you should not show vulnerability or weakness about such things.

People are being harsh and dismissive in their responses.
You are allowed to feel hurt about spmething like that OP (just not on mums net apparently! 😏)

I have been similarly upset about friendship related stuff before....if you don't have a close relationship with your family or many of them (your mum sounds very cold) then you do naturally put more onus on friendships to fill those gaps.

My MOH cut me off completely just after my wedding, we had been very close friends for over 10yrs.

It's really bloody painful when someone you thought you care about alot, have alot of history and memories with, and thought you were really important to doesn't appear to think the same.

People's behaviour sadly doesn't make sense sometimes :(

Maybe she isn’t having any bridesmaids or she has asked her sisters, nieces or cousins, which is pretty standard. You seem like you’re overthinking this and getting ahead of yourself. Maybe have a conversation with yourself and work on your self esteem because no one deserves to be this upset and miserable, especially over a wedding.

The simple solution to this is to just ask her. This is a lot of anxiety about something that you don’t know the answer to.

Perhaps you aren’t a bridesmaid. Perhaps she’s not having any at all. You just don’t know.

what’s clear is that you are tying up your self esteem in what other people think of you or how important you are to them.

you are a good, kind person who is good enough in all ways without the approval of others or this endorsement of being a bridesmaid. You are good enough and worthy of love and respect.

if you find the above difficult to get on board with, your issue isn’t the friend really, it’s your opinion of yourself.

your mum might be trying to protect you from what she sees as a hurtful situation. But unfortunately to someone with low self esteem this isn’t a great approach.

you would likely benefit from some therapy around this so you don’t keep being affected by it.

Your feelings are valid but I would think outside the box a bit as there will be reasonable mitigating factors surrounding why you weren’t selected as a bridesmaid. Weddings are super stressful! I would continue to be that good friend that you describe yourself as and ask if there is a role you can play on the day such as helping her to organise something! I bet she would appreciate that and you also get to have a role to play in her big day. Good luck x

How have you made her special day about you instead of her? Be happy for her and enjoy the day. Be glad you have a friend of this many years. Nobody owes you anything.

Yabu. Bridesmaids are usually family members and from both sides. You better going as a guest anyway.

Ok you’re like 30. Time to chill.
you friend will ask. Or not. Or maybe she’s not having bridesmaids! It’s less of a trend now, especially with older brides.

or maybe she’s closer with others, or trusts others more! Or a million of things.

offer to help with whatever, all of you can handle whatever, and just be there for your friend.

this isn’t about you!

You can talk and get clarification, but that won’t be nice for you or the bride!! Totally would be rude.

it might be for the best for your friendship. Don’t think too hard on it.

If the wedding invites only came out 5 weeks after they got engaged maybe she hasn't decided yet?
If she has such a big circle of friends as you put it, maybe she doesn't want to offend anyone and is only going to choose family?
Maybe she wants to tell the chosen ones at the camping trip as it is still all so new? Have you seen her in person since they have been engaged? It was personally something I wanted to ask mine to do in person not via text or phone.
There are alot of factors to consider here and you honestly shouldn't take it to heart, if you aren't chosen just see it as a day you get to enjoy and not have the additional bridesmaid jobs to do.

A friend of mine, my oldest friend who I have known forever didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid and I was hurt at the time, but she did involve me with favour making etc, I later was told she didn't want to ask anyone that wasn't family as she didn't want to put pressure on them to attend the wedding as it was in Tobago, and at the time I was struggling with huge vet bills, so in a way it was kinda thoughtful, so this may be the case with you too, you just don't know the reasons yet????

One of my best friends is getting married this August, she is having none of our group as bridesmaids. We’ve all been best friends since primary school (we’re all now 40), talk all the time, meet up regularly, and even started holidaying together in the last few years. When I married 10 years ago, I had none of them as my bridesmaids either. I would not have wanted to choose between them, and like your friend I had other friends outside the group who I was very close to. Do not end your friendship over this. I really do think you’re reading too much into this. Go celebrate her day and enjoy yourself.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I think this has been a shock to the system for you where you expected to be invited as a bridesmaid and you haven’t been and it really hurts. I think it’s completely valid that you have hurt feelings but I do agree with some of the other posters when they say it’s not your friends fault. Weddings are really tricky and it’s very difficult choosing bridesmaids and people choose them for lots of reasons. My best friend in the world didn’t choose me as a bridesmaid and I was hurt. I felt similar to you as we have known each other since birth. It turned out she had her sister as a bridesmaid and her sister in law. I just had to hide my hurt and continue to support her, when it came to my wedding I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids and I ended up having 6 because I couldn’t choose 😅😂. I think in this situation you just have to let it go, don’t ask her about it, don’t say anything about it, be as normal as you can be and let the hurt pass you by. You might benefit from speaking to a therapist not because you are ‘crazy’ or ‘over-reacting’ but because you are hurt and it would be beneficial to talk to someone who is unbiased who can help support you. Good luck ♥️

"She doesn't consider me one of her top 4-6 friends". So you know why you haven't been chosen then!

4 adult bridesmaids (4 minus sisters or close female cousins = less than 4 for friends)
2-3 adult bridesmaids (2-3 minus sisters or close female cousins = less than 4 for friends)
1 adult bridesmaid ( 1 minus sisters or close female cousins = 0 for friends)

Easy really! Have you really only been to weddings with 6 or more adult bridesmaids ... I don't think I've ever been to one with more than 4!

You're overthinking this. Please don't waste your life fretting about where you sit in the friendship league tables - it's not a contest, and nobody over the age of 11 should be making a big deal over the designation of 'best friend'. She's a friend. Be happy for her marrieage; go along to support her with a big smile, and maybe a little relief that you don't have to incur the additional costs and responsibilities of being a bridesmaid.