Friend's smelly house

You'd be surprised. I haven't smoked for years and we never smoked in our house only outside. But I never really smelt smoke from me/ DH. Now I can smell if he's had one an hour before coming home.

But most smokers are very open to being told people don't like the smell of smoke and don't get offended by it.

I'd also go with the cat allergy thing. No way can you say anything about the dirt/ smell and have any hope of remaining friends.

Slightly off topic, but I can’t believe how judgemental and plain rude some of the comments are on here about this woman.

Just been looking at another thread about overweight people and summer clothing (am not sure now I’m even allowed to say overweight) and the tone is the complete opposite.

Is the rule, do not comment on personal appearance unless it is a compliment, but feel free to rip someone to shreds if their house is dirty?

(Not sure if this will get deleted as it’s referencing another thread)

There’s no way I’d be eating food she prepared.

Could you bear to eat there if it was nice weather and you sat outside? I'm guessing it wouldn't be a comfortable experience, given the dirty work surfaces, etc.
I wouldn't directly lie about a cat allergy, but say you find the smoke difficult as a non-smoker, etc, and would prefer to eat out.

Perfect. I'm really intolerant of lying, but I'd white lie myself out of this situation in a heartbeat.

I would be gently honest. “Thank you so much for the invite to dinner however when I was last at your house the smoke really caused some issues with my chest and breathing after I left. I would love a catch up so how about dinner out instead?”

Car allergy and bring her one of those candles designed to eliminate odour/smoke as a gift (sort of joking about the last bit!).

Re tapas say you like going out to eat as you don’t do it much (even if you do) so you’d prefer to do that.

I'd go with the smell of the smoke being overpowering personally, you could just say you're not used to it and you don't really want to breathe in the second hand smoke.
She should understand, you choose not to smoke so why would you choose to breathe in second hand smoke. Good luck, awkward situation to be in

@Josette77 because the bathroom door can't stay open for the cat to get in
It opens into a tiny hallway and gets knocked shut easily
I mean technically it's not IN the kitchen as it's open plan but it sits next to the very last kitchen unit

Do you want to be friends with her? In which case you might have to accept her smelly ways. I could be friends with someone who's house really stunk and was dirty but, i wouldnt want to go in their house at any point.

If you want to be friends with her and socialise with her then you will need to say - 'I would love to meet up with you but, i can't be around smoke smells etc so can we meet at a local pub for dinner instead'?

Difficult one with her being a genuine good friendship! I would also say something along the lines of feeling like your chest was a but tight when you got home, think maybe you have a bit of a problem with cats.

Smoking, crusty cups and litter trays are ew to me and my house isn't pristine either. I struggle with smells big time. You could always invite them to yours?

Maybe say the cigarette smoke sets off your asthma. It does with me.

This is perfect

Yes I agree. Just say you really like her but smoke gets to you so please can you meet in a restaurant.

Ultimately if she gets upset she gets upset. So long as you are not rude or cruel, you haven't done anything unkind by stating this.

My mum is a heavy smoker and I hate visiting her because of that, so I invite her here more often. She isn’t dirty like your friend though. I would make excuses and alternative arrangements.

some folk just have low standards, doesn’t make her a bad person, but I’d avoid visiting or taking any food she may have prepared.

Cat allergy for sure.

Tell her that you really suffered from allergies as a child and thought you'd grown out of it but your brief exposure to her cats the other day triggered the kind of allergic reaction you haven't experienced in years.

It's less controversial than the smoking and general uncleanliness.

But then they can offer not to smoke.

I'd go with a sort-of truth, instead of a made-up allergy or outright lie. If she's a nice woman and a new friend, you might well regret being untruthful.

"I honestly don't know whether it was the cat/s or the smoke, but I had a bit of reaction after my last visit - I'm not used to either of them, I guess."

'A bit of a reaction' is honest (though it was a revulsion one, rather than allergy, but let her draw her own view), but vague enough to not cause offence.

every time I laugh out loud at a post on here, it's one of yours!

I would say "I'm really sorry but I have asthma. The doctor warned me that due to my allergies I should avoid places where they have pets or smoke indoors so its better if we meet outside. The last time I had a bad attack it was scary so you can understand my apprehension"
If she takes offence then so be it.

I think cat allergy is the most inoffensive excuse. Go with that one.

I wouldn't mention the cat allergy (if you don't have one), but I would say that the indoor smoke really affected my chest and ask to socialise elsewhere instead.

I don't smoke but I do have 4 cats. Some of my friends are allergic to cats, so I know they won't come over unless it is the summer and we can sit in the garden (or they take allergy meds), or only for a very quick drink. However, my house is clean (it's not tidy for sure, but it's clean!), aired out everyday and hoovered everyday. FWIW, I don't get upset if people are allergic to the cats, but it does make me very mindful of things - hence hoovering everyday, airing house everyday (I do this anyway) etc. I can't use plug ins as they can affect the cats.

Dont make a big deal of it. Just suggest coming to yours or having a drink at a pub instead