Bloody Prize giving

^This, exactly.

OP, you have chosen to place your child into the grammar school system, a system which is designed from the outset to be elitist. You cannot now complain that aspects of it are unfair. You can't pick and choose your privilege.

If you are unhappy, then send her to the local FE college. No? Why not?

OP, please set a good example for your DD and don't feed into her jealousy about this other girl. Healthy competition can be a great motivator, but if all you do is compare yourself to others then you won't be able to find your core strengths and achieve your potential - you'll just be dragged down into a quagmire of bitterness where you feel the whole world is against you, and you feel your lack of achievements is down to others rather than yourself.

I went to a selective school, was in the top set, regularly won awards in RE and music. There were other kids who were scholars and would regularly attain 3+ prizes each and it was well deserved. We didn't have awards for effort though, just whoever was top of the class. We had other prizes for sports, arts, ethos, and charity etc which some of the academic kids would also get, because being sporty isn't mutually exclusive to being clever. It's just life.

Prizes become meaningless if you don't hand them out on genuine merit. But you can teach your child that prizes aren't everything - some of the highest achieving children in my year struggled after school emotionally and/or academically, whilst others who were less academic flourished.

Core skills of independent study, self motivation, curiosity, being able to engage with others are factors that lead to success in someone's career. Those aren't necessarily correlated to getting a clean sweep of prizes on speech day.

Both my DBs were academically more gifted than me, but they've struggled more in their careers because they didn't work on their social skills and don't understand the idea of doing drudge work to keep the boss happy whilst also working on more meaningful projects on the side - they get wrapped up in being the cleverest, and that arrogance seeps through. Your DD's resentment of high achievers will also hold her back, unless you help change her perspective - admire people who are achieving their goals and use that as motivation, don't resent them!

Because a popularity contest for an academic prize is a twisting of the criteria.

And I think that’s probably along the lines of where people have issues. Especially in fee paying schools you do see a lot of “ interpretation ” in who was best. For example often children tracking marks in tests might be of the impression ( aka mathematically certain) that x whose dad provided a weekend stalking on his Scottish estate as a prize for the school fundraiser was actually in fourth place but the curious calculator kept in the staff room had just enough leeway to bump him to the prize ( and it isn’t always the maths teacher themself who is responsible for creative calculations). And when the child who got the drama prize actually forgot their lines and delivered them in a monotone etc it really only serves to detract, rather than reinforce, the idea of reward for merit. And I think it’s often the implementation by teachers with various pressures to juggle that can mean they are not successful in achieving the goals of competition and work ethic etc that the theory might hold out.

Ultimately children should all be encouraged to strive for- and rewarded for achieving - personal bests. That doesn’t mean a string of prizes at the end of the year “ because you’re all winners” but rather building positive reinforcement for this into the general system.

But people do care. Look at the op and her daughter. And plenty of the kids receiving will be delighted. I’m sure they don’t work harder to get them and of course no one would ever put it on a cv, but at the time, yes I think plenty care.

Personally I think these awards are a bit stupid. Most of the pupils I went to school with who recieved them, thought they were stupid too. They know that they are clever and wanted to keep it on the downlow. There were a couple who liked them, but it never ever motivated anyone I knew to work harder to get them.

It’s always been like this- far from new news. Always popularity contests. Not fair but a lesson of life not being fair!

If you have 3 kids you should know the score by now surely. This is just how it is.

My eldest never got any awards after year 1. Kids 2-4 never got any awards. Ever.

Dd does gymnastics, judo and swimming but was one of a handful who did no event at all in sports day last year..she sat in a gazebo and did nothing the entire day.

She does ballet, musical theatre and guitar lessons at school but is never picked to join in for whole class music night.

I do think there are favorites but it's not a reflection on who your kids will grow up to be. So my eldest who was never picked for anything ever got really good gcses, top A levels and off to a RGS uni with no inflated ideas he is anything but below adverage and nothing of note.

All it does is make ME feel we're not really part of school community especially when yours is the only kid not running or doing anything on sports day. But I don't voice that especially to my kids. School can be a massive clique that i just brush off as part of life. My kids are fine being below mediocre in the eyes of school.

That’s what I thought! Seems the rather disappointing outcome for the prize scoopers is growing up to sit bickering on discussion forums ! And we all thought they’d be PM!

:D Well I'd never admit it non-anonymously in real life.

Because, as an adult, I know full damn well that no-one cares. I don't even stick my GCSEs on my CV, let alone the school awards!

This is why it's so ridiculous. Most people know these things aren't that important.

I think a really good school can manage to do both.

Completely understand you being pissed off OP. I never won any prizes for years (was the quiet one that no one noticed) until my final school year, when they created a brand new MFL prize category/trophy for me as I did what no kid had done before in that school (got A*s in three different languages). That was nice!

If you are bright, you often excel at many subjects. Esp at GCSE level. It’s often a few kids winning all the prizes. I had one kid a bit like that and one not. A good memory and brain can get you a long way.

Yes, some teachers have favourites, we have seen it. But that is unlikely to result in the across-the-board success we are seeing here.

This girl is in a league of her own. just be pleased for her. I was called a swot and had mean comments directed to me at school in the eighties. It’s not a nice feeling to think others dislike you because of your academic successes.

I think you are being an appalling role model. My kids would be horrified if I spoke like you do. They would have admired and been happy for their peers and they despise petty-minded jealousy. Instead of teaching your daughter tolerance and respect, you are feeding into her bitterness and envy.

And posting the prizes here is embarrassing. You really need to get a life!!

But those things can be taught with other incentives. Doing away with awards for high achievers means that we'd be penalising them instead.

There's room for all types of recognition. It's up to us as parents to make sure our kids understand the difference, rather than raising kids that are either bitter because they didn't win or think that the world is going to just give them everything because awards were given out fairly instead of for deserving them.

Have you read all of the OP's posts?
And you still think she's getting a hard time?

As a teacher, I can assure you it absolutely is realistic. The exceptional children are usually exceptional across the board. You just need to accept that your daughter is not one of those children.

OP, has it not occurred to you that this girl is just brighter and works harder than your daughter?!

If I turn out to be a parent like you, I hope someone has a word with me...

This is so unhealthy op. You’re so envious and resentful, and as such will be unable to support and parent your daughter who is feeling the same negative emotions.

well done to the outstanding achiever. Instead of trying to rip other children down, joining in the envy and resentment, you need to understand these awards are merit based, not an equal opportunities prize where everyone gets one.

you need to praise your child for her own achievements, she should only be competing against herself, how other kids do is not for you both to attack . She should be made to feel proud and comfortable with her own achievements, and encouraged to improve where there is gaps.

she has not won a prize as other kids out performed her. It’s that simple. But that doesn’t mean she has not done fantastic in your own sphere.

you write like you’re also a teenage girl, writing in envy over another girls achievements, and not a parent supporting a child to see her way through these negative emotions.

Posters are fine with other people’s kids learning resilience (losing to their kid basically - ie when other kids failed the 11+ and OP’s kids passed). But they don’t want their own child being put through tests of character.

It happens. Some kids are very academically motivated and capable.

Doesn’t mean they are a better person. Just accept it a move on and don’t embarrass your kid.

Ah that’s a shame - I’ve seen them work really well at primary but yes I can see the issue with kids get older.

I remember when I was in school I won the top of the class merit certificate every term, because well I won the most merits. Then my form teacher decided it was unfair that I won it every term and others needed to be given a chance so deliberately let someone else win. It was awful and taught me that actually people don’t want you to always do well (see James Acaster on house of games) so why bother.

OP life isn’t equal as long as it is done in a transparent and fair way why shouldn’t she if she is achieving win. Telling her she can’t because others should means you are saying working hard doesn’t mean anything (and academically even in grammar it’s not equal) and to those you are giving it to it saying it doesn’t matter that you have T achieved here is the award anyway.

the girl who ended up beating me enjoyed at the time but later said actually looking back she hated it because it wasn’t her award but simply the teacher just trying to do something. It didn’t feel right to her either

It's not fair that the person who secured the most contracts always gets the bonus. Should I phone her employer and ask them why they do that and suggest they give the bonus to the person who tried the hardest for once.

Very interestingly I saw an article just this morning about how a piece of research has shown that today’s young people are ill equipped for the workplace. The article specifically cited a lack of resilience and an inability to accept feedback.

Surely then, for your child this should be seen as an opportunity to build the very skill missing in the work place which if mastered is likely to make her shine later on?