I don’t like my friend’s fiancé - what can I say to her

If she asks you something, tell her: anyone who makes you happy is good for me. You are my friend and I always side with you.

Frame the criticisms carefully as non judgemental statement without being obviously negative so it gives her something to think on and draw her own conculsion if she sees a pattern.

For example... cor, your man, he really is a straight shooter isn't he. Telling Janice that Australia is a shitshow before she moves there when we were just talking about the sunshine! I hope it doesn't make her doubt her decision as she was feeling so positive...

Say nothing, she won't thank you for it, and will most certainly choose him over you.

Is she better off than he is? Is there a financial interest for him in marrying her?

I have been where you are - and I was right. I don't think your friend will listen if you say anything. I agree with a PP that you could potentially draw attention if he says things you think are "off", but beware you could find that he starts to see you as an enemy if you do and tries to cut you out of your friend's life.
The thing you can do though is to stay close to her as the relationship develops and satisfy yourself that he is not trying to isolate her. If you think that is what is happening, please try to find ways to keep in contact with her and make sure she knows you are always there for her.
I really hope you are wrong.

OP, it's a very tricky situation!!! I'll say from my experience, my at the time best friend got into a relationship. I didn't like the guy, I spotted many red flags. Two of our closest friends spoke to me privately also raising concerns. She cried to me few months before her wedding. I told her gently that I was worried and was dumped from being her MoH after 10 years of friendship. We didn't speak for few years. She sadly married him and is very unhappy. We've reconciled and are friendly now and I feel very sorry for her. He's a twat, like we all thought. But it's a very sensitive territory, unfortunately.

Say nothing - he’s not your choice, and it’s not your decision.

Agree eith pp: my oldest friend 's husband is a possessive POS but I kept quiet when I first met him and even all the way through to when I was her MOH at her wedding. I'll be there for her when it all ends in tears, as I know it will one day. I only hear about her kids now, never the "D"h which speaks volumes.

I think she might be going out with my ex btw

Also if she has more assets than him encourage her to get a pre nup - state you think it's very normal and it'd be so weird if someone had an objection, talk about how all your friends do it etc

My friend didn't like my ex fiance and we almost fell out over how she drunkenly told me- she focused on specific incidents as 'evidence' and I got very defensive as I had interpreted them differently because of my rose tinted glasses

I would focus on things that are your onservations and harder to argue with eg

• you love her and you know she's amazing and deserves the best love
• you've noticed she seems x y z these days
• you noticed it's moved very fast and a lot of the time a honeymoon period can last a year
• ask how he gets on with her family and other friends if he makes an effort etc (to help her see for herself)

Also talk generally about relationships and characters on tv shows that were in emotionally abusive cycles etc. make sure she knows what words like gaslighting and love bombing mean. State that people who truly love the other care if they've upset them.

Reassure her and all your friends that you're a safe space.

It's difficult to just say something, but if she starts talking about him and an opportunity arises then I think I'd consider saying something, or at least making it clear that you're pleased he is nice to her, as you didn't find him particularly kind when you met him.

I second the advice to be there just by being there.

Being there for her is just about being a good, non-judgmental, safe friend in general - someone she feels she can turn to if she needs it. That's all you can do.

I have never, ever known someone who's loved-up with a twat to respond to people telling them he's a twat with "gosh, yes, I suddenly realise he's a twat and I will dump him immediately". So I wouldn't advise that. If he does something you feel crosses the line you can quietly say something like "I didn't think that thing X said earlier was very nice" without making it a big deal or intervention attempt.

And unfortunately it may well be that he's a bit of a twat, but he's not a twat or abusive to her, and therefore you just end up having to rub along with him.

As she is a good friend, I would say to her frankly, "Look I am happy for you if you are happy, but honestly I cannot take to him. I'll do everything I can to support you though".

All you can do is be there if it all goes tits up.

I spoke up, voiced my concerns about a friends 'friend with designs on her' who was then her fiance, and then her husband....

End result, we didn't speak for 4 and a half years, whilst he abused her, beat her, controlled and manipulated her. In speaking up and him finding out I knew exactly what sort of shithead he was, I just made myself public enemy number 1 and he engineered things so that she wouldn't and then couldn't, speak to me.

First thing she did when she got into her new home having managed to escape him... was to ring me. She'd barely even unpacked.

But she was lucky, and honestly I think I'd have served her better as a friend if I had shut the fuck up and waited for her to come to me, she would have... had that door been open to her.

'Hello friend, whilst he hasn't actually done anything wrong, your fiancé is creeping me out and I don't like him as one day in the future, I don't know when, I think he's going to hurt you. It's ok though as I'm here for you!'

That's essentially what you are thinking of saying.

You'll sound like a jealous loon.

Keep your trap shut and give him a chance.

Maybe he's fine and you just don't like him. I don't like some of my friends' husbands/partners, and they're not abusive, just not particularly nice, in my opinion.

Others have given really good advice already which I agree with: don’t tell her you don’t like him but be present, even if he’s insufferable at times. Don’t let that get in the way of the friendship you have. Be there regardless.

My ex was abusive to me and by the time I left him I was isolated and had barely any friends left. It wasn’t their fault, he was a cunt and I guess they had enough long before I realised I did. As did much of my family. If it wasn’t for some amazing professionals (women’s aid, legal aid solicitor and therapist) I’d still be there now, utterly alone. Or dead.

Hopefully you’re wrong about him and he’s just a negative bugger and nothing more.

Have been in this position and it's grim, there's no easy answer unfortunately. I lost a friendship of many years, because in the end I did say something, I expressed a few concerns gently, based on what I could see going on after a long time of just being there for her and hoping she would one day wake up, and she must have spoken to him about what I'd said. She came back at me shortly after with a tirade, she was furious, and things I'd supposedly done to her, none of which were true, so I'm guessing that this all came from him. He viewed me as a threat from the start of their relationship, to the point where I'd go and pick her up to take her out to dinner and ten minutes into the evening her phone would ring, she would sheepishly say the name of the venue we were at, and lo and behold he'd walk through the door and pull up a chair at the table and glower at me. Ultimately, there's nothing you can do, it will have to take it's course, I wish you patience, and her strength.

Read the gift of fear. Then try and vocalise what is is about him that is ringing alarm bells.

Do you really need to let your friend you'll be there for her whatever ? I thought that went without saying ? No you can't really say you don't like him , so what ?Not everyone is going to be your type .You're not psychic .

This is it pretty much.

Say something before : most likely they won’t believe you, get angry, possibly ruin a friendship.

Say something after : they get angry and blame you for not saying anything. And possibly ruin a friendship.

It sucks all around.

What is your friend like usually?
Is she a pick-me, desperate for a man, in a hurry to get married?
Do you think you could carefully ask around with her about his behaviour/attitude, without accusing him?
Is she rational, specially when it comes to men?

I did tell a friend my concerns. She didn't listen so I didn't press it. The marriage ended in a shitshow but I had stayed friends and so supported her through it.

OP I don't think there is a correct answer in this situation, go with your gut and make sure you keep the communication open in case you are right.

I have every sympathy because I have been in this position twice with friends and know exactly what you mean. Interestingly, in both examples I'm thinking of, the relationships had also moved quite fast, and in both examples, other friends also disliked the boyfriends in question. None of us were really able to say anything - both boyfriends seemed very attentive and nice to our friends, but at the same time just seemed to have an attitude that was somehow 'off' or said a couple of things that made us wary.

I have to say that in both cases, the boyfriends turned out to be absolute arseholes. One was outright abusive, physically and emotionally. The other one was a selfish, emotionally unstable baby who had horrendous mood swings, a drink problem and was a compulsive liar who alienated a lot of people around my friend. In both cases, I think the early attentiveness and the fast-moving relationship was definitely the classic 'love-bombing' thing.

I still don't think, though, that any of us could really have said anything at the start when our friends were totally loved up with these men and we had absolutely zero justification for suggesting they might actually be total cunts. Later, when the friends started to reveal a bit more about things these men had done, we all offered every scrap of support and back-up that we could and were very open about how we felt, and we definitely pointed out that things they were describing seemed abusive or unreasonable. I think that's all that can be done, really.

No. You can’t say anything to her. However, if I was there when he said something rude/unkind like in your example above of him saying a place someone is moving to is awful, then I would not hesitate to call him out - “Wow, Bob, that’s not very nice.” Even just a look can speak volumes. It might give your friend pause.