AIBU to not see an issue/not consider it blackmail

The mother needs to wind her neck in otherwise the daughter will find herself friendless. Word will get around soon enough that mother is a psycho.
11 is old enough not to be micromanaged when arranging to hang out with friends.

Half of the occurrences of the word "blackmail" I see on this forum are completely the wrong use of the word, so this mother is not alone in that.

Your daugher has done nothing wrong.

I can see why the friend might not have any other friends they could ask…

Definitely just leave the girls to it.

Id guess that the other girl is a bit annoyed that now she has to do the thing she doesn’t want to if she wants company at her thing. Which is ok to feel, but perhaps she went over the top in recounting it. And mother has got the wrong end of the stick and blown up over it. You said that this mother is more involved in friendship than you are, so there is a bit of backstory. Hopefully she’ll realise that this is normal compromise!

I'd ignore her.

I once said to a friend something along the lines of "we'll have to go back/we'll have to do that again". Her mum rang my mum complaining that I was telling her daughter what to do.

People are fucking weird.

The only possible scenarios are that your dd has concocted a blackmail plot so cunningly disguised as a perfectly reasonable compromise that Moriaty himself would be proud, or that her friend has made an issue out of it to her DM, or that the DM is a little bit bonkers (or she’s got something else going on which is skewing her reactions to things)

Obviously you know whether your DD is capable of such levels of cunning, but my money is on scenario 2 or 3.

I think your plan of backing off sounds perfect. Your DD doesn’t sound particularly distressed by it, so I’d tell her and maybe warn her to be aware that if she sees the friend’s DM to just walk away and not engage in conversation, but other than that, they are way past the age where parents should be getting involved in petty stuff.

Just ignore. When I worked with kids more issues were caused by parents being over involved in friendships, than there ever were between children themselves.

maybe she an only ask dd beause the mother has driven else away with her nonsense over the years-its not blackmail

My suspicion would be that your DD's friend said something more to her Mum. Maybe Mum didn't want her to go to the film and DD had worded things in a way that made it sound like some kind of Blackmail, trying to persuade her Mum to let her go and not realising the trouble she was causing

Even if it was, the Mother sounds way OTT and frankly nuts for blowing up like that

Hmm, is there any chance the mother does not want her daughter to see this film, and the girls have worked this out together as a way for her to be allowed to go? So it is actually the parent feeling pressurised?

Wild speculation obviously, it just does seem strange

What's the outcome are they both going to both, not going to either or each going to their own?

I thought your DD was going to demand money to go to the event she didn't fancy! Just seems like kids sorting things out between themselves, they will probably both enjoy both events in the end and it's good for them to be slightly out of their comfort zones.

I think your daughter has excellent negotiating skills and clearly communicated her preferences. No blackmail at all.

On race across the world this year there is a sibling team who agreed they would each do one thing the other liked while waiting in a city for their next transport. The sister did not enjoy the boxing but the brother quite enjoyed the temple. However they both thought the compromise was good

No you're not missing anything, the other parent sounds like a lunatic.

It sounds like a fair compromise rather than blackmail! The mum is crazy.

Other mum sounds nuts.

Honestly, OP, I would do nothing. Just ignore. The other mother is deranged and your dd has done nothing wrong.

I would leave it up to your dd as to whether she still wants to be friends with the girl or whether she would prefer to distance herself. It sounds like she has plenty of other friends that she can hang out with instead. Though I do feel a bit sorry for the girl with the crazy mother!

Why can the friend only ask DD?

You don't get this friendship nonsense with boys . And I think mums get way over involved with friendship issues . Probably stirs up old feelings from the time they were the same age as their daughter.

I expect she’s blocked you because she knows she’s been crazy and she doesn’t want to gear the voice of reason.

It may be that she had plans for when the cinema event is on and now her DD has said she HAS to go to it with your DD, your DD is making her etcetc.

Speak to your DD and tell her to sort it out with her friend. Mums shouldn’t be involved in this. She’ll get over it.

The only thing I can think of is that the other girl doesn't have any other friends so basically, if your DD doesn't want to do something, she can't do it. While your DD DOES have other friends so if this friend can't/won't come, it doesn't stop her from going to her event?

But that still doesn't make it blackmail and this is frankly, batshit behaviour that would have me a bit concerned about this family's emotional health and well being.

Out of interest, is there any ND? I'm friends with lots of families where there is ND in the family (including in ours) and the two things I've noticed is that often the parent probably has some ND too but it isn't acknowledged/recognised and also that sometimes a parent is massively over compensating for a situation that has arisen due to ND. I am not aware of myself doing it, but I will say I can easily imagine I do too. We've had a recent upset for exactly this reason recently with a friend being completely unfair because she's so used to certain things in their family, she's forgotten it's now how must families operate.

In no way shape or form is it blackmail, its compromise. What a strange woman. So she wants your daughter to go to something she doesn't want to go to but doesn't expect her daughter to do the same. There must be something else going on with the mum to have such an ott reaction. Tell your daughter not to go to the event she isn't keen on.

I would tell my daughter to find someone else to go with to the event she want to and that she isn’t going to the other event no matter what is said by other child now.
Was the other Mother drunk? That is such a over reaction.

It seems bizarre on the mums part, like there's something else going on. Probably nothing to do with you or DD.
I'd just accept the fact she's blocked you. Your daughter is free to continue the friendship with her daughter. If only one of the two wants to do something then they find someone else to do it with? All seems like it's been blown out of proportion by this mum.