Life feels unfair as a single parent

As a fellow single parent I hear you.
I chose to be a single parent, (I adopted) but fuck me I had no idea how toxic our culture is towards single mothers and therefore their children until I became one myself.
I don't qualify for benefits apart from CB, or get any other funding etc, which is fine I knew that was the case before I adopted, but I now am facing the stark reality of the lack of all the other support systems children especially need to rely on.
It's my child who is ultimately suffering the cost of childcare/lack of provision via NHS/scarcity of nursery places/under-funded schools. Etc etc.
I'll be long in my grave while DC is still dealing with the consequences of a hindered start, and the state is absolutely not there to rely on as a safety net/equaliser in a way it was when I was young.

Op - do you have parents who could lend you the money or remortgage to lend it to you? think it would need to be a gift - but obviously you can pay them back under the table.
It's such a small amount in the scheme of things and it would be great to move to somewhere in time for primary school applications.

You're the one who has stuck around to do the work. Without you, your child would have no home and precious little love.

You're a trooper. Tell them to fuck off with their judgement.

So did the ex and he's managed to weasel out of the 'significant costs'.

OP, I'm sorry - you're right, it's shit. Women are used in this world and we put up with it because otherwise the people we love and care about would suffer.

This is exactly the reason why childcare should be properly subsided for everyone. In many instances the ex partner cannot or won't pay for 50% of the childcare. Instead of doing something proactive about it, the government prefer that women are stuck in poverty because they cannot afford to work with young children.

It's much, much harder being a single parent. I'm struggling to pay for a residential course and a maths and English tutor to help my 15 year old get to the standard he needs for his dream career. Whether he will make it or not I don't know but it's me paying for all the things that will hopefully help him. His dad on the other hand pays minimum maintenance and is going to Hawaii this year.
But the kids can see who has done what for them. My teenagers openly talk about dad being stingy. That has definitely not been said by me! They know what I have done for them. My elder one has left home now and he keeps in touch with his dad but ultimately it's me he comes home to see.
So... it's massively unfair and you are massively impacted but you do get out what you put in with the kids. You will get there with the house even if it takes a bit longer. Definitely shop around with mortgage advisors. Things change very quickly so a definite no one month could soon be a yes.

If we become a hated, "othered" group- as we are- then there will be less societal pressure to change things to give us the support we need. Which suits the status quo just fine 😡

You've put your finger on the essential unfairness there warshiprocinante. There should be a way to force men like this to pay half, but the people who make the laws don't care enough about women. And this is why it hurts.

And how do you suggest getting a man to pay half? When he decides he doesn’t want to and it’s your job to sort it?

I don't have any advice or solutions because I get it. And ultimately it is unfair. I've had to make my peace with it because it makes me so angry and bitter otherwise. I am just keeping everything crossed that things will come good in the end. I just have to keep chipping away one day at a time.

How can she essentially force him to pay more bloody hell stupid comment 🙄

OP I feel for you, this sucks! Childcare cost will decrease when DC goes to school hopefully? Depending if you work term time as then you would have to factor in holiday clubs etc.

how old is DC?

Do you honestly think OP has not thought of that idea??

its really tough being a single parent, my ex completely abandoned dd1 when she was 5 , and barely saw her before that . We were really poor , whilst he was jetting off the America with my new partner and child .

Absolutely @Willyoujustbequiet I had my kids with my now ex husband believing that we were going to raise them together. He had other ideas and I now have them 100% of the time as a lone parent. My work hours are limited due to a lack of suitable childcare and while I'm not starving, money is tight. I didn't choose this path and I'm trying to make the best of it.

Is your ex paying you child support? He should be contributing to the childcare. It’s not fair.

Is your ex paying you child support? He should be contributing to the childcare. It’s not fair.

Well, that does rather assume that her ex will agree to that. Which he probably won't, because he's enjoying the single life while OP is being grossly disadvantaged doing all the grunt work of raising his child.

Been there, done (still doing) that. No, it's not fucking fair, and resentment is my constant companion. I just hope I outlive him long enough to dance on his grave.

Presumably if the OP made a choice to have children, it was made with another adult who would share the responsibility.

It’s very tough, and absolutely not fair that someone gets to walk away and pay a pittance towards the upkeep of their own child. I honestly think that a lot of men really hate women. He probably begrudges you every penny and thinks you spend it on having your nails done or something.

I used L&C for our offer, we didn't have a lot of options with our set of circumstances but we did get the amount we needed, and the lender took into account child maintenance and child benefit as household income. Don't give up all hope yet, there may be a solution.

It sucks at the start and it feels like an uphill marathon. I've been doing this for 11yrs now.

A few things though. Yes your ex will be affected as they will take into consideration his child maintenance payments to you if he does apply for a mortgage.

Childcare doesn't go on forever, my kids are 13&17yrs old and I've been shot of expensive childcare since COVID. I'm now in a position where the kids are more self sufficient and I can concentrate on my career, I stopped qualifying for tax credits three years ago with another step up. We now take much nicer holidays. I would potentially like to buy another house but moving costs are so expensive I have concentrated on doing up my house and making the most of it. It's unfortunate that you are in the most expensive part of bringing up children, and this also happens with married couples but it will get better and it's more like "when" you move if not now.

Why can't he make a contribution to childcare costs. But perhaps that doesn't make a difference to the amount the B.S. lends. But a lot of couples on low wages can't even get on the housing ladder at all. I know that's no consolation to you. It's the cost of housing as compared to salaries and the deposit required that's the problem.

Another vote for L&C from me OP, they’re so helpful.

But no YANBU at all. What a stressful shituation.