Life feels unfair as a single parent

I'm not sure you've grasped the premis of the thread. The OP is not saying life is unfair on those who choose to have children. She is saying it's unfair for mothers when fathers refuse to take equal responsibility for their children financially and practically, and continue their lives unhindered by their responsibilities while the mother struggles to progress her life due to the extra load she is carrying. If the OPs ex didn't defraud CMS and took his share of childcare, I doubt she would think life so unfair.

So many men are indifferent about having kids but either allow themselves to be railroaded into it by women desperate for kids or lie about it to women and delude themselves……then when the reality hits they can’t deal with it and abandon their child. They suck. But…..Women in general need to be MUCH choosier about who they procreate with instead of blaming their biological urges for procreating with walking red flags / total losers. Stop having kids with dickheads, blokes that don’t really want kids or man-children basically.

I agree it's unfair.

It would at least make me feel better if men had to declare their kids on the mortgage application as dependents and got the penalty too - might focus their minds a bit on what those of us with sole care of the kids have to do.

Even if they don't pay, they should be treated as if they might have to (because they might - what if something were to happen to you? Are they saying they wouldn't take their own children on? Maybe for some actually)

Hereyoume
You didn't have to have children.

You made a choice which came with significant costs. It isn't unfair. You made the choice.
You can say that about anything in life but you can choose something and then have life beat you about the head a lot, turn you in circles and then face you in a totally different way to the way you were going and had made concessions for.

Her ex-partner also made that choice yet is happy to have much less input now.

@stuck24 please ignore comments like the one I've quoted, they seem to have missed the kindness gene, or at least it's not functioning well. I'm sorry things are particularly tough for you right now and hope they improve.

@Hereyoume who even makes a comment like this? Especially on a website called Mumsnet. What a sad life you must have to comment on someone's post with such unhelpful advice! You don't know the OP circumstances. I'm sure she didn't have a child thinking she was going to be a single parent. The reason the country is such a shit show is because its full of people like you, who lack empathy or understanding for anyone but themselves. I hope you enjoy your day living the 'perfect' life and being a 'perfect' model of society!

Hi op I was in a similar position, in the end I just kept my head down, squirrelled away as much money as I could and moved when dd was older and childcare was much less.

It's not ideal and you're right it's not fair.

Ignore all the judgmental posters who have no clue what they're talking about 🙄

Keep trying, use independent brokers L&C are shit, they are only good at getting 'straightforward' borrowers mortgages. I often wonder if they have someone / bots scouring forums because they always get mentioned on every single mortgage thread.

I know someone (single mother) who got a mortgage using income including tax credits and so I can't see why UC sting childcare cost would be any different.

Of course it's worked! You have a good education, a good job, a child, are buying your home, all with the additional challenge of an ex who doesn't contribute financially or practically as he should. I'd say you're doing a fantastic job of 'bettering yourself'.
You need to remember though, if you don't start off with advantage, it's a marathon not a sprint, and a tough uphill one at that. But don't ever think your efforts haven't worked, because it's a long game, and you're at the early stages with it all ahead of you. Truly, you're doing great, and I wish you all the best for the future you deserve.

Sorry no useful advice from me but just wanted to say I agree it is unfair that you have to pay for all the childcare and provide for your child on your own when the father could be contributing more and mostly to say well done for all your achievements in getting a professional job, buying a house and providing for your baby the best you can. It is hopefully a temporary set back and I hope you manage to move to an area you like better soon! Best of luck!

I hope this works out for you OP, yes there will always be inequality but you deserve to live somewhere you feel safe and at home.

ya definitely nbu op and I'm Sorry its been so difficult for you

Yanbu and I find it astonishing that people don't think fathers should have to contribute to childcare costs

No, CMS figures are taken from HMRC. What they do is declare less than minimum wage (despite being professionals/highly skilled) for years on end then when they want to buy a property they suddenly declare 45k income which then of course returns to 17k the following year. At least that's what my ex did.

@stuck24 Is the mortgage a joint mortgage with your ex or solely yours?

Cannabis growing and problems with neighbours happen everywhere.
Dosent mean if you move things will be better.
Different maybe but who says better?

Glad you've considered other avenues for new mortgage OP and I hope this works in your favour. Child maintenance is a fucked up system. It was introduced to catch absent parents income and assess what would be due to children they had. Rather than support this and pay what was due I've known many men (and women) who worked to 'dodge' the costs due, even put themselves out a job. And that's the problem not a lot gets done when an absent parent suddenly changes their situation.

Reading this thread only highlights how many issues single parents face when trying to get on their feet or better themselves for their children's sake. There's a huge problem with child poverty and depreciation in this country, and they wonder why? The momentum lies with the parent who has the sole caring responsibilities and not much can be done about it sadly. If I had the energy or wherewithal I'd challenge till my last breath but sadly I don't. Maybe another generation will. Although from what I gather future generations aren't for having kids let alone settle down and get married. It just doesn't bring people much anymore.. the risk of breakdown is too high and at a cost to everyone involved

I wonder if there's a system whereby a self employed person puts a lower amount to pay less CMS but then declares more income so they can get a mortgage whereby they can check each one against the other?

That would be such a good start for woman who's exs fiddle CMS.

@stuck24

Thought it might be a possible solution, but obviously not.
Funny thing it you wanted to buy a new car for that amount you could probably get oe on finance no problem, but mortgage companies have their own rules that don't always make sense. I think in your case the mortgage companies might be saying you can't rely on UC paying your childcare because the gov can pull that benefit whenever they choose. I've never understood this logic, we can all lose our jobs at anytime also, but you make do and find a solution.

But you will get there.
I absolutely meant no shade about benefits, they are there to support us, I was just applying it in my case, because I don't qualify for help with childcare costs through UC (wish I did, I basically can't work until I use up my savings, which i was hoping to use, like yourself to buy a bigger house in a better area, but now can't).
Congrats on the degree and the job, you are young and life is long, often we do end up where we wanted, just not in the timescale we were hoping.

It really sucks. I'm a single parent and all i could afford at the time was a flat. I now want to move due to the flat above being rented to noisy tenants and I'm struggling to cope with the constant noise invasion. But to pay the stamp duty/leaseholder costs and all the legal fees alone is really really difficult