Page 8 | To be put off by his literacy issues?

Saratoga212 · 2024-05-13T23:52:44+00:00

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues. After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion . (I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)). I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts. (He mostly avoids texting). Would this put you off someone for a relationship? From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

BritishBeatleMania · 14/05/2024 10:09

Scanning the responses I think a lot of people have already pointed out that that it’s not a literacy issue you have, but an attitude issue.

We all have our limitations, owning them and appreciating how that impacts those around us is part of being an adult. Yes you can be frustrated by your limits, but taking out those frustrations on others rather than seeking to improve is a problem. It sounds like it’s a problem you have here.

I wouldn’t stay. Not because his literacy isn’t top notch, but because his attitude stinks. Only he can change that and it sounds like he doesn’t want to. What else is going to come out of the woodwork over time that he has that attitude to?

dragonscannotswim · 14/05/2024 10:07

Yeah, that would totally put me off. So would his attitude.

Original poster

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 10:05

not yell and shout at everyone else that they must do it for him.

To be fair, he doesn't yell and shout at everyone else for us to do eg internet searches for him, he asks or (much more commonly) he doesn't have to ask because we know he doesn't use computers and we'll have to look it up for him.

The only thing he does that's irritating on that front is lean over your shoulder when you're online finding something, asking questions and giving instructions in a fairly scattergun way ..... I thought it was me, but then I saw one of his sons get really irritated by it quite quickly.

OP posts:

CountingCrones · 14/05/2024 10:02

Deal breaker for me.

You aren’t there to make up for his inadequacies (banking, form filling, being his own personal Google) nor to be his emotional punching bag because he’s defensive about not being understood.

I also couldn’t be with a partner who doesn’t understand some of my favourite things- books, wordplay puzzles etc.

(By the same token I would expect a sports fan to not want to be with me.)

LaurenOlivier · 14/05/2024 10:01

I think the fact that he is trying to make out like you're the one with the issue and the lack of understanding, plus he has already started expecting you to do things for him would put me off.

Fair enough if he had openly said that that's how he writes and if there are words he hasn't gotten right to let him know, but the fact that he is then calling you and pretending you're the one that is lacking the intelligence to understand would be a dealbreaker for me.

He will begin to rely on you more and more, and he will ramp up his gaslighting alongside that too. All this after 6 months-what will it be like after 6 years?

Youdontevengohere · 14/05/2024 10:00

JJathome · 14/05/2024 09:54

Agree, some posters are writing like he’s entitled to be with rhe op, you can end anything for any reason you wish, and shouldn’t be attacked and called shallow.

pig sick of this atttitude that men are entitled to a woman.

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Agreed. Women don’t owe men a relationship. They are entitled to end things for any reason. Honestly this ‘be kind’ stuff makes me despair.

JessieLongleg · 14/05/2024 10:00

As some one with reading and writing issues people think they are helping but are often being judging. The grammer police are the worse. I totally understand how important writing something correctly helps but I can't always see mistake in my writing.

betterangels · 14/05/2024 09:59

JingsMahBucket · 14/05/2024 09:15

EW. He’s outsourced his life work to other people and is being a jerk about it too. Kick him to the curb. He’s an energy sucker and you don’t need this.

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Absolutely. He'd be gone.

BourbonMoon · 14/05/2024 09:55

JingsMahBucket · 14/05/2024 08:57

Nope. Go back and read @YoureALizardHarry11’s posts again and work on your reading comprehension. She deliberately excluded people with learning disabilities. She also said the inverse regarding the ignorant and thick likely to be bad spellers.

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For someone who is happy to poke fun at other posters and their ‘inability’ to comprehend what has been written and pointing out their errors etc…. I’d just like to point out that dyslexia isn’t a learning disability (in the UK).

To get diagnosed as having a learning disability, IQ would be lower than 70 with significant deficits in adaptive functioning.

Dyslexia is a Specific Learning Difficulty. It’s no wonder some people associate it with lack of intelligence when people don’t even understand the correct terminology!

JJathome · 14/05/2024 09:54

scarletbegoniass · 14/05/2024 09:48

Dating isn’t equal opportunities. Some people don’t want a partner who can’t write to a basic standard, nothing wrong with that.

Is the only way to not be accused of being superficial to date everyone who asks you, regardless of if you’re attracted to them?

Edited

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Agree, some posters are writing like he’s entitled to be with rhe op, you can end anything for any reason you wish, and shouldn’t be attacked and called shallow.

pig sick of this atttitude that men are entitled to a woman.

LostittoBostik · 14/05/2024 09:52

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry if that sounds snobbish but for me a partnership is primarily intellectual/friendship plus the mutual sexual attraction as a bonus. Can't work without intellectual connection for me.

Original poster

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:52

It seems odd that it has taken this long for it to become a problem to you.

Given that I haven't mentioned how long I've been seeing him, I'm fascinated as to how you know lol

About 6 months incidentally. It has only become clear over time. He mostly just calls.

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WalkingonWheels · 14/05/2024 09:50

It would put me off, but only if he was also a bit thick, didn't read, had poor general knowledge etc. If he was otherwise intelligent and kind, I would put it down to some sort of learning difficulty.

Unfortunately, poor spelling can go hand in hand with bigotry in all its forms. There's definitely a correlation there. Poorly educated people are more likely to believe conspiracy theories too.

scarletbegoniass · 14/05/2024 09:48

SwanSong1 · 14/05/2024 01:45

Why would it put you off? Are you really that shallow?

Dating isn’t equal opportunities. Some people don’t want a partner who can’t write to a basic standard, nothing wrong with that.

Is the only way to not be accused of being superficial to date everyone who asks you, regardless of if you’re attracted to them?

Lwrenn · 14/05/2024 09:44

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:39

What do/did both him and his Dad do?

Drivers, I suppose, is the best description.

Edited

My father also drove for a living but he was an alcoholic and crashed his pals van pissed, and that was that finished for him. Luckily he only hurt himself. And that was because his friend punched him.

Lwrenn · 14/05/2024 09:42

GerbilsForever24 · 14/05/2024 09:30

@lwrenn I feel for you and I'm sorry you've struggled. But this sort of post from women really frustrate me. You are very clearly NOTHING like OP's partner. You accept your struggles. You have worked hard to overcome them. You have asked for help. You are putting in the work to figure out what you have the right to expect and ask for.

I see this on here all the time. A woman who has done all this work asking for compassion for a man who MIGHT have the same problem she has. Except, he's NOT doing the work. He's not asking for help. Instead, he's attacking the OP who is left to deal with his uselessness.

YOu are great. OP's DP is not.

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Thank you, I appreciate that very much. 💐

You're 100% right, I know that. I didn't want to give him excuses for any twattishness, he could absolutely address the issues he has with his literacy. It's really tough to do, I imagine made more difficult with a academic family. But he doesn't get to be horrible to the OP because he feels inadequate.
I suppose I just feel bad for him, it's a tough place to be in. I hope he gets some help with it all, it would do wonders for his confidence.

Original poster

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:41

dyslexia was not new when I was a child, might not have been much help, but it was a known problem.

Where did you grow up?

I have my doubts about its recognition in rural Ireland.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:39

What do/did both him and his Dad do?

Drivers, I suppose, is the best description.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:37

I fully get why he uses text speak that's why text speak was invented

If he used text speak, I would probably be able to understand his texts.

The text speak would either be obvious or I could look it up.

OP posts:

taxguru · 14/05/2024 09:36

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:09

how it hasn't yet dawned on him to dictate his texts.

He has an ancient brick of a phone, he just uses it to make calls and text, nothing else. Not sure if it has that function, but I suppose if I suggest it, that will potentially cause more offence.

He doesn't use computers either, at all.

He gets his kids, and now me, to look up anything he needs online. (He doesn't do internet banking etc.)

Edited

Just gets worse. Sounds like he's not remotely interested in helping himself.

I couldn't put up with that.

Needanewname42 · 14/05/2024 09:33

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:18

He comes from a family of teachers and you gently suggest he might be dyslexic. I'm not blinking surprised he's offended. Do you honestly think his family didn't know????

His elder sister is a teacher, there is quite a large age gap between them, I don't know what their relationship was like growing up, but they are estranged now.

His now elderly Mum was a teacher (in another town) and apparently has always had a very gentle, permissive personality.

His Dad passed away when he was a teen and I think he told me he was illiterate.

It's possible, in their rural area, that long ago (he's in his 50s) that it would not have been diagnosed by his teachers.

In any case, I have no idea if he could be dyslexic, I just suggested it as an attempt at understanding the situation.

Edited

I'm nearly 50, dyslexia was not new when I was a child, might not have been much help, but it was a known problem. There still isn't much help, stupid comments like look words up in a dictionary don't help, certain and phenomenal your never going to find if you can't get the first letter.

Dyslexia (along with ADHD and ASD) have a tendency to run in families.
If his Dad was illiterate then their is a fair bet he was also dyslexic.

He's using a brick phone, because it seems less complicated, a smartphone will actually be easier for him. If he's typing by using the numbers multiple times. I fully get why he uses text speak that's why text speak was invented

What do/did both him and his Dad do?

Original poster

Saratoga212 · 14/05/2024 09:33

If your repeatedly making out you don't understand someone to make yourself feel superior you're in the wrong.

I'm not making out I can't understand his texts ..... I can't understand some of his texts.

Some words I can make out, like "speshul" but others I can't. I realised I might have a chance with the other words if I read what he's written out loud, but even then that doesn't always work.

It was after a couple of texts like that that he rang me with a sort of exasperated attitude, speaking very loudly and slowly and with a lot of an emphasis, saying what he was apparently saying in the texts.

OP posts:

GerbilsForever24 · 14/05/2024 09:30

Lwrenn · 14/05/2024 09:23

Hi @Saratoga212 until my mid 20s I couldn't really read or write much, lack of education, opportunity etc, I could do the basics and I went back to night college and learnt as much as I could so I would be a better person to help my dc with homework etc, turns out I'm also dyslexic.
Its really hard when you are trying and even if it doesn't read like you are.
I struggled so badly, especially with things like "They're/there/we're" words and I'm eternally grateful for predicted text.

I actually left mumsnet once because someone was quite cruel to me (shocker!) About my spelling. Recently I made a post and a poster wasn't very nice (despite many more being very lovely!) About how I write, which is how I talk, so lots of language used from the people who helped raise me, language local to my area etc and since those comments when I write on here I don't really like writing as much to people.
I can't explain it properly but when I type like I talk in person I feel as though I'm making friends with my fellow posters, now I'm aware I annoyed some, I've stopped being myself really and minimised my own way of chatting to cut out my own words and just to be more direct and clinical almost. It's weird though because I'm not really enjoying the experience of posting and chatting as much, I feel very self-conscious.

Even though its something that people use to berate the Facebook no marks who say disgusting racist shit, outlandish lunatic bollocks and share missing dogs from some part of rural texas into local Skegness selling pages, it's hard when you are a good person, someone who has skills that may not be academic but has other qualities to offer and you're treated like a bit of a pleb because of poor grammar or lousy comprehension if you've read something incorrectly.

My partner reads out posts here to me if I struggle with some of the wording and will explain them to me. He helped me so much with my reading and writing.
But I am the one who deals with the dreaded DIY or putting up wardrobes. I'm useful without having a English literature masters.

I do understand its frustrating and may even give you the ick, but when people have the ability to do something they make look so easy that takes someone else much longer to master, it's so hard. Hearing you're bad at something, especially if he's from a line of teachers, (my father was illiterate but mother very academic) is going to sting a bit.
Nobody likes feeling stupid and this may be a case of the more you push for him to seek help with a issue he carries shame with, you really might push him away or really embarrass him to the point he clams up and struggles to ever seek some help.

Please don't allow him to be a dick to you because he's inwardly embarrassed but also, don't be a dick to him because his ability doesn't meet the standard you'd like.

@lwrenn I feel for you and I'm sorry you've struggled. But this sort of post from women really frustrate me. You are very clearly NOTHING like OP's partner. You accept your struggles. You have worked hard to overcome them. You have asked for help. You are putting in the work to figure out what you have the right to expect and ask for.

I see this on here all the time. A woman who has done all this work asking for compassion for a man who MIGHT have the same problem she has. Except, he's NOT doing the work. He's not asking for help. Instead, he's attacking the OP who is left to deal with his uselessness.

YOu are great. OP's DP is not.

Comtesse · 14/05/2024 09:28

Personally I couldn’t deal with a significant other with this issue.

thecatsthecats · 14/05/2024 09:27

SwanSong1 · 14/05/2024 01:45

Why would it put you off? Are you really that shallow?

I will hold my hand up to being that shallow. But it's about more than that.

I have a large vocabulary. It's a hindrance to have to be picking words in casual conversation so that everyone will understand me. I write as a hobby, and I put a lot of thought into how to construct my prose so that it's clear and elegant.

No way do I want to be putting that effort in with someone on a domestic level with someone who is chippy with me if I casually use an obscure word.

One of my best friends has a very different skillset to me (and is wildly successful) - she has no problem asking me what a word means.

There are 4 billion men on this planet, I don't need one who's an arse about communication.