Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

I agree with everyone else.
Your logic isn't making any sense.

@StormingNorman what a very sensible post.

@samanthaoritzz there’s not a score sheet in relationships. It doesn’t have to be equal everything on a daily basis. It should balance out over time.

I'm confused how you've gone from having a husband and rows about hypothetical childcare/free time to having a boyfriend and this particular situation within the space of a few days?

Is this your first long term relationship?

Your expectations feel very much like the rom com version of a relationship. Real life rarely lends itself to big emotional displays of support. More often giving someone support is pretty dull and that’s what makes it special - you are doing something you’d rather not do or sacrificing something yourself to help your DP out of love.

You giving him space to grieve with his family without feeling guilty about not being with you is support. Him acknowledging that you might need to miss the funeral to spend time with your mum is support. If one of these situations was happening in isolation then you absolutely should be there for each other in person. But both at the same time, accept that you both need time with your family and that you’ll be there for each other by phone, text, voice note etc.

Nah, this is a load of bollocks. IF it’s real, you’re being ridiculous. My mum was in hospital for a week and DH didn’t go to see her, because really what she wanted was me. He asked about her and wanted to make sure she was ok but ultimately visiting was down to me. Nor did I need him to ‘support’ me, I’m a grown woman, and didn’t need him to rub my arm and give me caring glances every 2 minutes. Things don’t always have to be equal. Sometimes life’s circumstances are such that one person takes priority over the other. A death in the family is one of those times. Go to the funeral or don’t, but I wouldn’t start laying demands down because he won’t come to see your mum.

Make it make sense!

I would just focus on your own families for the next week or so - you stay with your mum, he stay with his family.

If he came to visit your DM before flying back for the funeral, he'd spend the whole time distracted and worrying about getting back in time.

Equally, if you went other funeral, you'd spend the whole time distracted and worrying about getting back in time.

This is sadly a situation where the sensible choice is for each of you to focus on your own family while supporting each other in the phone or FaceTime.

I’m going to sound heartless now, sorry… I probably wouldn’t visit my MIL even if my cousin hadn’t died. Remember your bond with your mum isn’t the same as his bond with your mum. If she’s in ICU and doctors call the family in to say goodbye then that’s a different story…

He can support you by phone. Do you have anyone else around you?

And what is wrong with your mum? It’s a fairly crucial detail in whether her life is hanging in the balance. You’ll be able to make the decision about attending the funeral later in the week, presumably you won’t stay long?

Oh it seems like op has another one to support her.. problem Solvej..

lol. Caught out OP!

Is he close with your mum? Have you got any reason to think she's going to die? It sounds like a horrible situation for the both of you. But I don't think you should be falling out with him over something like this considering his cousin has just died. You can support each other without physically being with one another.

He absolutely doesn't have to visit your mother in hospital (that would be a bit odd, to be honest). But, equally, you don't have to go to his cousin's funeral.
It sounds like you would both be better off prioritising your own situations. Then, maybe in a few weeks' time, get away for a proper break together.

Op, let your boyfriend go to funeral and ask your husband from your last thread to support you instead.

Not sure she'd be all that bothered.

Wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from my family when my cousin died.

DH and I have been together 20 years, love each other's parents - I don't know that we'd be visiting each other's parents in hospital tbh. The only time it's come up was during covid so it wasn't possible, but we tend to run on the theory that I support my parents and he supports me when times are tough, and vice versa.

This is adult life - sometimes you'll each have your own priorities and responsibilities.

If you think your mum really is terminally ill, I wouldn't be getting on a plane unless it's a route with lots of options and there's plenty of other support around your mum.

So in the OP no mention of your mum maybe dying but you absolutely were going to be a flight away to go to your boyfriends cousins funeral? Tbh I think it's you who needs to get their priorities right, sorry. I hope your mum is ok.

Why can't he visit your mum after his cousin's funeral?

His cousin just died. He is exactly where he needs to be right now supposing his family.

Your mum is ill but it doesn't seem like her death is imminent from what you've posted.

Someone isn't understanding priorities right not and it's not him!

Also I hate this sentence: Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family?

Love isn’t finite, there is enough to go around, it’s not a competition.

Do you think that maybe emotion is clouding your judgement after the recent stressful time with your mum? I am sorry she has been so unwell by the way.

You seem a bit hung up on this idea of “equal”.

Life doesn’t tend to work like that.

You attending his cousins funeral doesn’t “buy” you him visiting your mum. Support isn’t always equal. Sometimes it’s about the least worse option.

As you haven’t refuted his point about your mum still smoking; and she’s only sure to be in hospital for a week, I think you’re catastrophising a bit. Ideally he’d support you through your fears; and that may or may not include a visit to your mum, but his cousin has just died. Give him a break.

This, particularly as you said she is due to come out at the end of the week. Presumably if your mum was in a more serious condition you wouldn’t even be contemplating going to the funeral, but as you are (and are not sticking around to get her comfortable after her discharge) then presumably she is on the mend? Personally, unless you knew the cousin very well, or if your OH really needed to you be there, then I think you should both be with your own respective families over the next few days.

So you have decided for the both of you what has to happen?