Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

@samanthaoritzz what is wrong with your DM? I'm very sorry she isn't well. Still going down for a smoke suggests she isn't as ill as to make things really bad, however if you don't say then people won't be accurately able to judge.
On the other hand, his cousin has just died. TBH that does come first, it isn't a case of him not prioritising you, its a case of you maybe need to prioritise him on this one.

Have your PiLs ever been in hospital? And you've never or would never visit them? This is wild. Such differences in culture.

OP, let him stay with his family u less your mum is in a very critical condition

If my cousin died i would want to be with my family.
How is that too hard for you to understand OP?

If i thought my mum was dying i wouldn't be flying anywhere

I would never expect my DH to visit my mum in hospital

He should remain with his family so they can support each other through their bereavement. If your mum is as ill as you claim she is why would you even consider taking a flight yourself in case something happens to her while you're gone? You're being quite unclear on just how ill your mum is or how likely it is that she'll pass away. At the end of the day, his priority should be his own family who have had someone die, not his gfs mum who might or might not.

I really don’t think visiting your partner’s parents in hospital is quite as ludicrous or unusual as is being made out on this thread. Especially if you’re literally married into the family and spend Xmas, birthdays, etc with these people.

HOWEVER, if your DP’s cousins death has been quite sudden and unexpected, and cousin is young as well, then I think he absolutely must be given a free pass this time to do what he needs to do for himself and his family. I think, unless you’ve been in the thick of a sudden bereavement of a young person then you’ve absolutely no idea of the huge emotional toll this takes on everyone involved. He needs to be available to support his family, and to feel his own feelings.

It doesn’t diminish any wider concerns you have about the priority you take in his life, but it’s not appropriate to address those now or choose this moment to make an example of him.

@samanthaoritzz Regardless of the rights and wrongs in this situation, I remember your other post about your 'tit for tat' husband ( partner?) less than 2 weeks ago and I mean this kindly, but maybe you could do with some counselling to help you unravel how you feel about things and why?

Not sure if you have a husband/partner problem or whether you have huge insecurities and need people to confirm to you that they actually do care about you - and put you first in order to show that? Or perhaps both. In your last post you complained that your Husband/partner saw free time as tit-for-tat which you didn't agree with, but here, you are apparently saying that you see things the same way ( He comes to visit your Mum and you go to the funeral to keep things equal)

I think some counselling might help you to unravel exactly what is going on and enable you to move forward in a way that will be helpful to you. Please give it some thought

And by the way - in this situation, his needs trump yours currently. His cousin has died and your Mum is ill - but you haven't given any indication about why you think she might not come home in the next week or so.

So in your first post your mum is 'probably' staying in hospital for a week and is going downstairs to smoke, then when people don't agree she is now possibly not going to survive.
Are you actually going to tell us vaguely what is wrong with her?

😂😂

I thought that too - although to be fair, maybe in the other thread, she just used 'My husband' for ease of explanation. I'm pretty sure some people posting on here use 'Husband or partner' interchangeably.

Maybe things aren’t great in your relationship so this is tainting your view on this situation. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider if you can move forward with this partner.

However, in all honesty, you need to stay with your mum and him with his family.

This point is not the hill to die on, but perhaps previous instances are.

You are being totally unreasonable and selfish. What is wrong with you! His cousin has died and you are making this about you! You complain you don’t feel like a priority but you are acting like you and your mum should be prioritised over his family. I feel sorry for him having to put up with this shit at a time when his family is grieving .
A few people have asked but you haven’t answered and being very vague, what is actually wrong with your mum? One post you day she’ll be out in a couple of days, then a couple of week, then you say you don’t know if she’ll make it out, but she going outside smoking? So initial post, why would your partner need to visit her but your making her condition sound worse which each post? Probably because people aren’t agreeing with you?

I wonder if you have a habitual lifelong feeling of never being a priority, so you make every situation in relationships into an opportunity for the other person to prove to you that you’re their top priority. And if they don’t do this to your satisfaction, you take it as proof that they never prioritise you / don’t care enough / etc. And so the cycle continues and nothing ever changes.

Does he live in a different country?

I wouldn't expect him to fly to you just before his cousins funeral. He should be with his family.

Is he particularly close to your mum?

My dh and I have been together 18 years and lived 20 min away from my mum. When me mum was ill I don't remember him visiting the hospital.

Can you support each other over the phone?

You seem to view it as if he doesn't come he's not supporting you.

Are you sure you want to go to the funeral? If your mum is so ill?

He sounds selfish, why are you with him? I think you’ve fixated on this situation to try and prove that he loves you or not. You’re testing him on whether he visits your mum and you also want to prove to him that you love him by going to this funeral, even though your mum needs you more.

If he doesn’t prioritise you then you stop prioritising him.

Don’t go to the funeral. He will have family there, your mum needs you more. (Is he even going to the funeral, since his mum said it was risky?)

I'm confused about the sudden mention of him coming to your dad when his cousin has died and its your mum in hospital. Why would he go to your dad?

Then what is the benefit of the relationship?

If you think there is a chance that your mum may die
Why would you catch a flight to ‘support’ him when u have said he has 30-40+ family members by his side

Stay with your mum
He has his family to support him through his cousins death

This is NOT about you, and how he never supports you. His cousin has died

Was coming to say this
Every single word!!

Then you won't want to go off on a flight to some random funeral in the midst of her hospital stay, not knowing how it will go for her - purely to make a point of being tit for tat "supportive" with your partner.

So there is only you and your mum and you plan to leave her while she is in hospital, in what I assume is serious if you think she won’t get out, to go to your partner’s cousin’s funeral? And it’s a plane ride away?

There is no way I would leave my mum’s bedside for that

You are both going through something horrible just now. I think you both need to be selfish and think of yourselves. You can be there for each other later

Why doe he have to see your Mum? It's not his Mum. You're putting unecessary pressure on him and creating strange relationship rules. This is the kind of thing that ends relationships eventually. If he never supports you then that's another matter. Pick your battles. If your Mother is going to die then don't go away to someone else's funeral just to prove a point.

If you think your mum might not make it out of hospital, stay with your mum.

Let him go to his cousins funeral.

you both have different priorities just now and that is ok.

If you really feel that you are never a priority to your partner, why are you still in a relationship with him?

In this instance, YABU to expect him to leave his family to visit your mum when his cousin has just died. He needs to be with his family. Your priority at this moment in time should be visiting and taking care of your own mum.

So for the 3rd time of asking, is your Mum going out for smokes?

Why are you so keen for him to visit her? She won't give a damn whether he visits or not surely?

And what's your reply to pp pointing out other posts where you have a husband?

How can you quantify in hospital for 1 week+ vs might die vs still having a daily smoke? Doesn't make sense. Ps his cousin has died.