Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

It's not a compromise situation OP. He needs to support his family now. It's literally the worst thing that can happen, not comparable to illness at all unless your DM has only a few days to live. If you can go to the funeral do, but likewise if its better for your family to stay put then that's what you have to do and he will have to manage without your support. If your mum doesn't get better (hoping she does) there will be plenty time to see her. A cousin can mean many things but if it was one of mine I'd be absolutely devastated.

Would you really leave your mum to die alone so you could attend the funeral with him? If your so keen for him to visit your mum incase anything bad happened why would you even want to get on a plane?

Engagement is a funny, halfway thing that means different things to different people. I did not really view my DH's family as my own until we were actually married, personally.

As for whether your husband should be your "main source of support", I think we should all be very wary of pinning that badge on any one person tbh. Yes of course, your husband should be one of your main sources of support, but I don't think it's healthy to put it all on one person. You need to build a wider support network for those times like these when he can't step up. That doesn't have to be family... some of my greatest sources of support over the years have been my friends, and I hope that I have supported them in return.

I have been with my DH for the best part of 30 years, and he is fantastically supportive, but there have been numerous times over the years when other friends and/or family have been better placed to support me instead. Either because DH has had his own stuff to deal with at certain times, or because sometimes he has just struggled to "get it" with regard to whatever my problem has been, or because he has been tied up with supporting others in his extended family who needed his help more. None of that takes away from the many, many times when he has been amazing.

I don't think it's ever healthy to have too much emotional dependence on any one individual, whoever that may be. They will inevitably let you down sometimes, because they're human and they have their own lives and concerns. And also, it puts an unfair amount of pressure on them to somehow be responsible for your wellbeing.

Honestly @samanthaoritzz I think if this and your other thread are anything to go by, you're already arguing about hypothetical situations and you're not on the same page. You live in different countries and have different ideas about what life as a married couple should look like. That will only get worse as time goes on, and you will then find yourself in a different country, with no support and a deadbeat husband. I would seriously consider whether you definitely want to go ahead with moving to another country and marrying this guy.

If your mum might die you need to stay near her. It doesn't sound as if she will though.

Your partner needs to support his family.

Yes of course your fiancee/husband is like family and should be supportive. However, if he's dealing with a family emergency, I'd absolutely want him to be with his family. My DH's cousin died recently and DH flew to Italy to be with his family. I felt it was important he should be there. When my parents have been very ill in hospital I've gone to stay with them and DH has stayed at home. I wouldn't expect him to be with me.

I'd say he's grieving and pretty put off by hospitals if his cousin just died in one. I know people who can't handle entering hospitals years after losing someone there.
I don't mean to trivialise your mum's illness, but gravely unwell people can't go out for a fag regularly. She's in for a couple of weeks, so I'd say not life threatening. Does she even want to see him? It might not be great if you drag him along against his will.
Just focus on caring for your mum yourself, I think your partner simply can't face it.
If it's bigger than that, which it sounds like it is, then discuss it once you're both less focussed on others.

OP - and what if - God Forbid, your mother dies while you are on the flight there or while you are there? Will you be able to forgive yourself? Have you thought about this? YABU. Stay with your mother for goodness sake.

I don't think there's a 'winner' here OP - the timing is just unfortunate and you both need to prioritise your families.

Does your partner live 7 hours flight away? Or was he visiting his family when his cousin died? You say in your OP that he was planning to visit you when the cousin died, so I assume he lives that far away and you are in a long distance relationship with him? Has he met your Mum? Does she want him visiting her in hospital?!

I understand you're looking for some support, and it sounds like perhaps this is just one of many instances where you feel you haven't been his priority. In which case, do you actually want to marry someone who is already not prioritizing you?

I'm gonna totally project right now. My guess is that historically he hasn't been as supportive/shown up when you've wanted. Now when he actually has a valid reason not to show up it feels just like another excuse like the other times. He has a valid reason not to show up. You have a valid reason not to go to the funeral. I understand you feel alone but please reach out to a friend to get the support. Once you're not stressed and everything is calmer, have a good chat.

YABU. You sound like one of those people who want 'proof' of people's love for you but the 'proof' you want is unreasonable in a lot of people's minds.

I'm sorry your Mum is ill.

Im also confused though as in your thread from 3 May you had a husband.

I think a 7 hour flight a day before a funeral is quite risky I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to undertake that sort of travel after the risks have been pointed out.

Also in your shoes I wouldn't want to be a 7+ hour journey away from my mum if the risk was she would die soon.

I understand you might have a history of not feeling like a priority to your partner but honestly the situation you're describing now is a no one wins scenario, I don't think it's the best example to give.

I would step back and focus on your mum, spending time with her and supporting yourself how you can.

It does sound hard for both families. However, I think you should be with your mum and he should be with his family. I don't think this should be turned in to some kind of loyalty test. He shouldn't need to make a 7 hour flight if his family are greaving and about to have a funeral. You shouldn't be making that long journey either if your mum is seriously ill.
Just let him get on with it and you focus on your mum.

You don't need to be involved with your partner's cousin's funeral - forget about that and focus on your mum. You can't be that far away from her if you think there's a good chance she'll die before your partner gets back from the funeral.

What happens if you fly 7hrs away to support him at the funeral and your mum takes a turn and the return flights are fucked? Or you can't get back quick enough? Could you live with yourself if you weren't there for your mum in her final hours?

Unfortunately both sides of the family are having a shit time at the moment so I think as hard as it is your best focusing on your own side and supporting each other from afar.

dont let it turn into a game of problem too trumps!

Sorry you're on your own dealing with your mum's illness, OP. That sounds really hard.

In the kindest way possible, though, I think yabu. Your bf's cousin has just died, he wants to be with his family, he doesn't want to risk a very long journey that could potentially make it difficult for him to get back for the funeral if there were delays etc.

Your mum is clearly very unwell and you're understandably worried, but I can see why he wouldn't think that she is at death's door if she is still going out for cigarettes etc. I'm sure that it isn't that he doesn't care, but he needs to prioritise his own family right now.

Do you not have friends etc who can support you? I think it's a lot to put on one person to make them your only emotional and practical support, and in a way, it's almost inevitable in this scenario that you might end up feeling like you aren't a priority for him.

Does he ever show up for you when you need him? If not, then don't marry him - he won't change, and you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of perpetual disappointment. If he does, then think about the times when you've felt let down and whether you might perhaps have been expecting a bit too much?

I am so sorry to hear that, that is a lot to deal with. How far away is he?