Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

YABVVU - making the whole situation about you? Central character?

He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. Could you say this with a bit more sarcasm - PLOT TWIST! So sad.... really?
He was up the hospital, and has been with his family (as he should be)
he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, (you must have been pushing for him to suggest this, its not logical when a family member has just died for him to be thinking of air travel to come see you)
I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral (thought you mum was at deaths door? why are you not concerned with being present for your mum and let him be present in his situation)
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc. (it is.. you're being unreasonable)
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. (you shouldn't be his priority at his time - his dead cousins funeral and his family should be his priority - not proving to you that you matter)
I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice. (Your mum is coming home at the weekend? His cousin died! its not the same)
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? (Yes Fucking yes yes yes, is he not allowed to care for his family? why is it a competition? why are you pushing this issue at a time of stress, when someone has died? That isn't supportive, its disruptive and manipulative)
Do I still attend the funeral? (I wouldn't want you there, bet his family don't either)

If your mother is that ill and doesn’t have any other family, you would be mad to leave her to go to the funeral.

I agree.

It sounds like maybe it's the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

OP also says her fiance has never prioritised her.

That is definitely a problem to solve, or if it can't be solved, to ultimately end the relationship. But I don't think today's issue about the cousin, Mum, flights, etc. is the correct litmus test.

but the prospect of DH going to see either of my parents in hospital is ludicrous.

In fairness my long-term partner went to see a parent of mine in hospital last year when said parent was in and out of there and not doing well. And he had also arranged to come along with another friend when my other parent (who subsequently died) was in a hospice some years ago. But the people involved had meaningful relationships between themselves.

It very much depends on the relationship and who would like to see who in the hospital. And sometimes, how long someone has been there without much social contact. I don't like visitors except close family when I am in hospital but if I'd been there a long time that would probably change.

In this case it doesn't sound as though your partner is close with your Mum. Although if they have never met I can understand why you might want him to meet her.

I also understand that sometimes addicted smokers go down to smoke even when they are very ill indeed.

I do think that you each prioritising your own family concerns at this time is the best way to go. It's too risky flights-wise for him to risk missing the funeral, he's obviously from a closeknit family. After the funeral hopefully he can come and see your Mum and then fly back if there is more to do over there - so long as that works for him and his family.

They've managed to have enough of a relationship to get engaged though.

I don't believe he hasn't had a single opportunity to prioritise her in all that time.

My husband could be in the middle of the Amazon rainforest and I'd still do everything I could to get to him if his mum had liver failure. And he would do the same for me.

They live in different countries. He's said it's hard to prioritise her because of this.

He has a point.

Well yeah, but you're 100% sure his cousin isn't.

This. I love my cousins, but if my husband's mum was in hospital and potentially going to pass away I would be by his side supporting him. Doubly so if he had no one else and was going through it alone.

OP also says her fiance has never prioritised her. That's not a good relationship if she's never put first.

I agree with this.

It seems such an odd thing to be starting a thread about, when you believe your Mum may be in the last week of her life. Focus on her, and reconsider your relationship with him when neither of you is in such a difficult place.

Do you have any view though on being engaged being each others family, does that make you closer than your wider family? Do you think your fiance/husband should be your main source of support, especially if you do not have a larger family?

Do you not have friends etc who can support you? I think it's a lot to put on one person to make them your only emotional and practical support

@Medschoolmum is right.

I think most people get different emotional support from different people.
My dh has always been very supportive when needed, but I get a lot of support from my friends too.

In your circumstances, he has a lot going on at the moment, and, no, I wouldn't expect him to come to you.

I am confused about your living arrangements, but, I don't think anyone would expect anyone to fly 7 hours for a funeral - let alone a cousin's partner. I wouldn't expect even a fiancé to fly 7 hours to be there for the last few days of your Mum's life either, in truth.

@samanthaoritzz I had an awful 2023, 2 aunts died plus my mum and my partner’s mum also died.

We both visited my family members in hospital (not every time but he came with me at least once a week). I also visited his mum at her home near the end.

I don’t think you are unreasonable and I also think a cousin is somewhat different to a mother.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this in your own.

Presumably after they are married they will be living together instead of 7 hours apart.

I'm sorry about your Mum OP. That sounds really hard.

Does he ever prioritise you over anything? Why is he saying when you're married he will suddenly start prioritising you? I'd believe his actions, not words. If he's never prioritised you before, he won't start just because you sign a bit of paper.

You're both going through a lot right now. I think its okay to feel unsupported because he is being unsupportive because he is going through a lot too!

You are both (obviously) prioritising your respective families over eachother.

I think its really bad luck that this has come off the back of you already feeling like he's not there for you and its okay to feel angry at him (although i suspect you are grieving what your mum is going through and these feelings are being magnified to your partner instead)

I wouldn't make any big decisions regarding your relationship right now, and I also wouldn't talk to him about how you're feeling either, as much as you want to.

Focus on taking care of yourself and your mum - he's got 40 other people to lean on xx

Yabu

And so insensitive to call his cousin dying a plot twist!?!?

It feels like you want him to travel to see your mum so you can feel like he cares about you.

Hang on. You say you are never the priority

But sometimes you are simply not.

His cousin HAS died. Your mum is in hospital. You seem to think there’s a slim possibility she could die. But that doesn’t seem very likely. Especially since you are willing to leave her.

why would you be the priority in this situation?

engaged or not. And no your husband or partner can’t be your only source of support. It often makes people very unhappy. The pressure to be everything to one person is immense and there’s no way you can get it right all the time so you are doomed to failure.

It actually sounds like you are trying to find loopholes to make him do what you want. You think he should support you because you have less family? You accept his cousin being dead is worse that your mum being in hospital but still think you should be his priority? Because you come from a smaller family? Which means he will never be the priority? Because you always have the ‘I need you because I have a smaller family argument’

It sounds like you always have to be the priority in any situation and will find any way to get into the position. Even when it makes no sense. The issue here is that you can’t find a way to make yourself the priority over him or his relatives. So you are making stuff up.

I think his dead cousin trumps your poorly (but well enough to go out for fags and will be home in a week - so clearly not at deaths door herself) mum.

If in fact she IS at deaths door, then your place is with her of course. Not at the funeral. Especially if that's a plane ride away.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like things are a lot for you right now. I'd say concentrate on your mum, get her sorted, and then deal with the underlying relationship stuff. Just take one problem at a time.

Even when you are married you still have your own side of the family. This isn’t about you being closer than his side though, it’s about your mum being put above his side. If you were in hospital with an end stage illness then of course he should stay with you. Not for your mum though when there is a death in his side of the family.

Please don’t turn this into a competition. It won’t end well.

Op, two things can be true - he can be a selfish sod who doesn't put you first ever and he can be perfectly justified in not visiting your mum as he has a funeral.

It's like you are looking for justification in your own mind to prove to you or to him that he is thoughtless. This is not the situation to choose. You also don't have to prove anything, if he does not priortise you then you have agency to end the relationship. You don't have to prove in a court of law that he's an arse and you are not. Say everyone had said yes he is an arse he should visit your mum - how would that actually help you ? It doesn't change his behaviour does it?

OP, I'm not sure what culture your DP is from, but one thing that it might be worth reflecting on is the different cultural beliefs about what a marriage "should" look like.

My own family have never really bought into this so it's pretty alien to me, but I have learnt from reading a lot of posts on MN over the years that many British people assume that a spouse should automatically be at the very top of the hierarchy when it comes to needing support, and that, as such, they should always be prioritised over and above another family member such as a parent or sibling. (I think most would probably put children on an equal footing with spouse, or perhaps even one rung up.)

This way of thinking is absolutely fine if both spouses are signed up to the same rule book, but in many cultures, the extended family remains every bit as important as the nuclear family, and priority will be given on the basis of actual need rather than place in the family hierarchy. If you are expecting your spouse to always put your needs above those of other family members, you need to find out if he is on board with this, or whether he will consider his responsibilities to his wider extended family to be unchanged after marriage.

@Medschoolmum thank you and I appreciate your comments and do try to understand his view. Do you have any view though on being engaged being each others family, does that make you closer than your wider family? Do you think your fiance/husband should be your main source of support, especially if you do not have a larger family?

They should be a good source of support - but between this thread and your last one, you come across as thinking that they should be your ONLY support and should always put you first. That simply isn't a realistic view of any relationship whether romantic or simply friends. Nor is 'closeness' a competition. Most people will have wider family members who they have a close relationship with - and that 'closeness' doesn't stop because someone gets engaged or married to someone else to whom they have a 'close' relationship.

Also, most of us get support from different places. Sometimes a friend will be able to support us most, rather than our partner, for lots of different reasons, even if we have supportive and caring partners. No-one can be all things to another individual. And if that's how you see it, then you will never be able to make lasting relationships with anyone, because your needs will be too great.

It may be your partner is not the man for you, but being upset because he isn't with you because his cousin died and isn't putting you first is not a sign that he doesn't care about you.

I'm sorry about your Mum

Sorry to hear your mum is poorly OP. I think YABU to your partner though, he’s lost a family member and needs to attend the funeral.

he said he can't prioritise me when I live in a different country and I don't live there, and that if and when we are married then I will be priority?

Purely from a practical point, he's right. If you're living 7 hours from him, he simply can't be there for you all the time. And he has his own issues in his home country right now that he can't drop to help with yours.