Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 ‘baby mums’…. Instant red flag??

354 replies

Lilysienna1 · 13/05/2024 20:23

As the title says…. Would you continue talking with a man you’ve met (in person) if he told you he has 5 children with 3 women? (Youngest is a one year old, oldest is 16.)

From what he has said, the relationship he has with the mothers of his children is amicable, and he has all 5 of them (3 with 1 mum, then one each with the other 2) every other weekend and pays child support for all 5.

Bearing in mind, I have 3 children with my ex, so I feel like a hypocrite for even wondering if there is something just a bit off… that with 3 women things didn’t work out, that he has had the last 2 children fairly early into each relationship and that the youngest is only 1, and that relationship ended 6 months ago…. Red flag or second date…

OP posts:
napping345 · 13/05/2024 23:32

Even if he's a really great guy, that's too much complication for me. Even if he has positive relationships with the mothers of his children and they are supportive of you, that's three other people and their children you have to work into your life and considerations. A lot of money going out of the household in child support (which he should be paying, of course). If you are happy to do that, give it a go, but it wouldn't be for me.

Frangipanyoul8r · 13/05/2024 23:31

You have 8 children to support between you!! Just no.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/05/2024 23:20

Not many men would be willing to have the baby for a whole weekend if they had other kids so I think that's a green flag (I know the bar is low)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/05/2024 23:19

From what you've said op he sounds like a decent and involved dad. Do you know if all failed relationships or any surprise accident babies?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/05/2024 23:17

5YearsLeft · 13/05/2024 21:11

Everything red flags forever.

Youngest is 1 and he’s already dating.
He has all five of them every other weekend and age range 1 to 16? So that means he can make the oldest care for the youngest?
He’s either looking for baby mum number 4 because he knows how to make a baby but not how to work at a relationship, or he’s interviewing a housekeeper/nanny, though I suspect he’s using the oldest kids for this.

Either way, that’s four exes and eight kids between you. That’s not a family - that’s a show on Channel 4.

Edited

Youngest is one and he's already dating.

What wrong with that how would him staying single help the baby he only had every other weekend?

I have my one year old full time and I'm saying is that a red flag? If so when am I allowed to start?!

Avatartar · 13/05/2024 23:13

Quick shag yes fine, but if you’re after a relationship he won’t have time for you if he’s a good hands on dad, he’s engaged elsewhere

tara66 · 13/05/2024 23:06

It's like musical chairs. No, no, no!

BingoMarieHeeler · 13/05/2024 23:05

Massive red flag and just overall cannot be arsed. If he’s as involved as you’d hope (can pretty much guarantee he’s not), then imagine the logistics!! Just no.

Dweetfidilove · 13/05/2024 23:04

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:14

As a matter of interest would posters feel the same about a woman who has children with 3 different fathers?

Yup! I have no room in my life for multiple children and multiple exes. Have you seen how much hassle one extra person can cause?
And I’d be wondering if he’s irresponsible or just has poor judgement.

SnoqualmieRiver · 13/05/2024 23:04

'5 children with 3 women'

Horrendous.

Five children being raised by feckless idiots.

Keep well away before you're the 4th idiot.

MrsBungle · 13/05/2024 23:01

God no. Multiple children with multiple partners wouldn’t be for me.

Copperoliverbear · 13/05/2024 23:00

No id run and keep running

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 13/05/2024 22:59

Sounds like someone with very bad commitment issues. If he is amicable with all 3 why did at least one of the relationships not work out? He's also someone who didn't learn after the first twice. There's also 5 children to consider, 3 separate families and all the schedules and arrangements that comes with all of that. Throw your own 3 into the mix and that's a lot of children to coordinate.

There'll be easier relationships out there for you.

Dweetfidilove · 13/05/2024 22:56

5 children, 3 exes and a 1 year old?
He wouldn’t get much more than a hello from me.
I am not surprised he seems lovely.

Mnetcurious · 13/05/2024 22:54

SeeiToldYa · 13/05/2024 22:44

Probably not. It seems that when a man has multiple children with different women, it’s a a red flag. The same isn’t said for women doing the same..

Show quote history

Disagree. If it was a male friend telling me the same about a woman with multiple kids by three dads with those ages, I’d be telling him to avoid her too.

MissCamden · 13/05/2024 22:52

This: When I was dating I wouldn't date anyone who had children

  • multiple kids from 3 different women? No way.
  • youngest is 1? No
Warning Red Flag GIF by FBOY Island
elevens24 · 13/05/2024 22:47

Stay away. He obviously has poor judgement.

HcbSS · 13/05/2024 22:46

Afraid I wouldn't be dating a man even with one child unless the EW was dead. Sounds blunt but I don't want another woman in my relationship or planning my weekends/holidays around 'whose turn it is'. so 5 is a definite no, and even more so if he has been sowing his seed all round town.

PossumintheHouse · 13/05/2024 22:45

SeeiToldYa · 13/05/2024 22:44

Probably not. It seems that when a man has multiple children with different women, it’s a a red flag. The same isn’t said for women doing the same..

Show quote history

Isn't it? I'd have exactly the same reservations.

SeeiToldYa · 13/05/2024 22:44

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:14

As a matter of interest would posters feel the same about a woman who has children with 3 different fathers?

Probably not. It seems that when a man has multiple children with different women, it’s a a red flag. The same isn’t said for women doing the same..

CurlewKate · 13/05/2024 22:43

The fact that he has a 1 year old would be enough for me.

G123456789 · 13/05/2024 22:43

I!I'm make yes run. Now.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/05/2024 22:41

BeauSignoles · 13/05/2024 20:37

No way. Also as someone else pointed out - he has his kids every other weekend? What kind of "decent dad" is that? I'd be fighting tooth and nail for more access for my children.

This

Every other weekend is not a parent.

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 13/05/2024 22:32

Clearly it isn’t just me then for being put off… I will say he does seem lovely, but we’ve had just one ‘date’ (it wasn’t a pre arranged thing, we got chatting at a rugby match, ended up going to the clubhouse together for drinks and swapped numbers) he has the children every other weekend as a fixed arrangement, but he does see the older 3 very regularly as they are local so they pop in and out when they want and he does ferry them clubs etc, take them out quite often- I should have mentioned that. The younger 2, however, currently only see him Friday- Sunday every other weekend. He has a mortgage on a new 4 bed house and a good job.
At this stage, I was only looking to date casually, and definitely no children involved, so meet up when both child free- but I can see the logistics would be crazy, and if it did become serious, we would have 8 children between us and that’s even crazier. Think I’ll throw this one back in the sea.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 13/05/2024 22:29

I dated a really nice guy who had children with multiple women. He was very honest and upfront about it all
and told me before we went on the first date. 2 of
which he had when he was very young.
He was also amicable with his exes and the children stayed when he was on his early nights (worked night shift).
Dating was difficult though, when he had nights off he had his children so we didn’t really get much time
together. There was so many different events that he attended for his children so it just seemed like he needed to focus on his family rather than a relationship.
We still keep in touch, he’s still single and it’s nice to see him putting his children first.

Although, he didn’t have as many different baby mums and his children were not as young as the man you’ve mentioned.