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Original poster

To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

244 replies

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 16:43

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

OP posts:
Loopylouie · 13/05/2024 21:42

It’s really hard for youngsters to find a place of their own these days and I wouldn’t be asking my 23year old to move out.

MsCheeryble · 13/05/2024 21:35

Your younger children continuing to share is obviously not an option. Therefore the only alternatives left are that the two boys share or you convert the sitting room. Ask your husband which he prefers.

Mothership4two · 13/05/2024 21:30

Friends of ours who became a large blended family, got a modern gypsy caravan for the eldest boy (late teens) for the garden - he was thrilled with it. I think it was about 6-7K preCovid. Electricity but no plumbing. But you need a big enough garden!

StormingNorman · 13/05/2024 21:24

@whitebutterfly3 I am feeling queasy and somewhat revolted at suggestions that your DSS and DS sharing a room is some kind of safeguarding risk as DSS is a grown man.

I have younger half-siblings myself and would never be a risk to them. They don’t feel any different to full-siblings. Even using those terms makes me feel guilty tbh.

Unless there are other issues which make your DSS dangerous, you’d have no worries with the two boys sharing.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/05/2024 21:18

Runnerduck34 · 13/05/2024 17:23

OK I have a 23 year old. I would house them for as long as necessary as I'm their parent.
The reality is that moving out a young single person is really hard , particularly if you live in an area with higher than average rents.
I believe.housing benefit/ universal credit is also lower for young people.
I can see what a difficult situation it is , I do feel for him though as it sounds like both parents have moved on and have new families and he had been forgotten.
Many of my friends have DC this age and none of them are 100% independent.
A false start of moving away then coming home again is very common.
A lot of people who comment probably haven't got DC that age.
OP do you expect both your DC to move out and be independent by 23 and not have an option to live in the family home?
Young adults still need a lot of parental support.
If feasible i think one of his parents should be looking at either moving or doing an extension/ loft conversion and to be frank this should have happened years ago - its clear neither of his parents have ever had space for him AND their DC from new relationships.
Right now probably him sharing the larger bedroom with his half brother is the best way forward but it's not ideal and tbf it's not the DCs fault incl 23 year old, it's a result of neither of his parents ever making sure they had adequate housing for all their DC.
Has your DH put any solution forward?

This.

The housing market is so difficult for young people these days. All the young adults I know still live at home.

It's not his fault both his parents went to have further children without considering the housing needs of their existing one. Not great parenting is it.

Daisys24 · 13/05/2024 21:14

Even though you’ve said sharing with your DS isn’t an option it’s a nicer way of getting him to move out on his own rather than chucking him out. Set a deadline of by the end of the school year the boys will have to share as DD needs her own room as recommended by the NSPCC. Tell your DSS that he won’t be able to stay up late in his room or watch anything inappropriate for DS. Your DSS will probably make plans to move out but at least that way he doesn’t feel unwanted as at least he’ll know you’ve tried to make it work. If this is a totally no no then he will have to share with DH and you share with DD.

Polishedshoesalways · 13/05/2024 21:05

I feel very sorry for dss, he doesn’t have a home with anyone.

PoppyCherryDog · 13/05/2024 21:02

Speakingofdinosaurs · 13/05/2024 19:41

Just a bit of lateral thinking here - have you got a medium sized garden?
Can you get one of those ‘garden rooms’ that people use as an office but you could set it up as a bed sit? It would be easy to get power to it - we did that with our garden summerhouse.
The only issue would be water & toilet but temporarily you could buy a portaloo and could have some sort of water storage like people do when they camp/caravan. You could even think about getting a caravan if you could get it into the garden.
He could come into the house for bath/shower.
Would probably cost £5000 -£10,000 for a garden room but it could be a pretty permanent solution, especially if you could put a shower in.
And would add value to your house long term.

We’re looking at a garden office atm and the smallest one is £15k so pretty pricey

TheTicklishPoster · 13/05/2024 20:54

Expecting a single 23 year old to be able to afford rent in this day and age is a huge ask. Unfortunately the spiralling cost of living means many children are living with parents well into their 20’s, this is the new normal. I feel sorry for your step son, as previous posters have said it very much feels like his biological parents have moved on and he is a now without a secure home base to return to. 23 is still very young, and some day your own DD and DS will be this age. I can imagine it’s tough, but do try and accommodate him for his sake as well as your husband. Also worth noting, if he moves out now and rents alone at this age, he is likely saying goodbye to the chance of every saving for a deposit and owning a property - if that is something you would like for him to achieve in the future.

MummyJ36 · 13/05/2024 20:52

Very tricky OP. As others have said, if this truly is playing havoc for DD I think you need to consider what others have suggested that you move DD into your room and DH shares with DSS. If you are open to this I’d ask your DD first if this would actually be preferable to sharing with her brother. Flag that obviously you will have different bedtimes etc but if this is truly what she wants you’ll give it a go.
You should not kick DSS out but your DH needs to have a proper think about the practicalities of this and suck it up and share with DSS if this is the best way forward in the short term.

Ritadidsomethingbad · 13/05/2024 20:51

Bunk beds for the lads.

It is what it is. That’s real family life. If he was your adult son you would be telling him not to sit up all night watching shit.

Allywill · 13/05/2024 20:46

Speakingofdinosaurs · 13/05/2024 19:41

Just a bit of lateral thinking here - have you got a medium sized garden?
Can you get one of those ‘garden rooms’ that people use as an office but you could set it up as a bed sit? It would be easy to get power to it - we did that with our garden summerhouse.
The only issue would be water & toilet but temporarily you could buy a portaloo and could have some sort of water storage like people do when they camp/caravan. You could even think about getting a caravan if you could get it into the garden.
He could come into the house for bath/shower.
Would probably cost £5000 -£10,000 for a garden room but it could be a pretty permanent solution, especially if you could put a shower in.
And would add value to your house long term.

There are a lot of regulations and planning needed if you are using it like this. Garden office, shed, garage fine - once it becomes a dwelling you will potentially need planning permission and maybe even an additional council tax charge.

Tamigotxh · 13/05/2024 20:46

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/05/2024 20:22

Yes, I feel sorry for him. His dad chose to create a second family instead of focusing on him and helping him. Now he's unwanted by both parents and considered an interloper. Sad.

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Yeah there’s no real satisfactory solution to this because the issue was created when the man went on to create a new family when he didn’t really have capacity to accommodate them all and obviously there’s no going back on that now .

It’s like some adults, especially men, forget children are a lifelong responsibility especially in this day & age with high student loans and high rents and suppressed wages with the young hit the hardest. Especially young singles.

And can people please stop comparing living by themselves at age 18 back in 1999 and buying a house at 25 to today’s reality and drawing a false equivalence? It’s so tedious and downright smug.

toomuchfaff · 13/05/2024 20:45

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/05/2024 20:17

There's nothing wrong with multigenerational living. This notion that every young person is better off throwing away money on rent is so pernicious.

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bet most the people perpetuating this "throw him out, let him rent somewhere" are the ones with a few rental properties bought for pittance back in the day when housing was affordable!

JustMarriedBecca · 13/05/2024 20:38

canyouletthedogoutplease · 13/05/2024 16:52

As PP put him in one room with his brother in bunk beds. That should see him out fairly sharpish. He's 23, it's time for him to fly.

Edited

This. I bet he'll be out quicker than you like.

StormingNorman · 13/05/2024 20:36

Nottherealslimshady · 13/05/2024 19:27

You cannot have an adult male share a bedroom with a young child. Not appropriate.

You'll have to split yourself and DH if he insists on his son staying .
DH and DSS
DS
You and DD

I imagine both DH and DSS will feel compelled to change the situation when It actually impacts them.

You cannot have an adult male share a bedroom with a young child. Not appropriate.

You'll have to split yourself and DH if he insists on his son staying .
DH and DSS

Do you know something about DH the rest of us don’t?

MsLavender · 13/05/2024 20:30

Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 17:12

In that case, DH should share with DSS 😂 and you can share with DD. DS would have have own room. Only alternative until DSS moves out

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Bloody good call! I second this!

sleepyscientist · 13/05/2024 20:25

He is equally your responsibility as the younger two. It's a toss up between privacy for DD or DSS. As he is the older one and the potential for accusations I would say DD has to stay with DS. Can you get a caravan or do a dodgy loft conversion? What about partitioning the bigger room for DD and DS, DSS in the smallest room and you in the middle one.

I know you say you can't afford it but I think you are going to have to make it work.

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/05/2024 20:22

toomuchfaff · 13/05/2024 20:02

It's absolutely telling here with all the shouts of "throw him out, he's an adult, let him rent his own place, I did it, i had ot worse, he can

Have you looked at rental prices of houses recently. A single adult male won't get benefits like a parent with kids.

The lad is basically unwanted at both parents houses, mental health problems abound depending on his outlook.

Poor guy. Get the room split, as suggested earlier, do something so he doesn't feel abandoned by both households.

Yes, I feel sorry for him. His dad chose to create a second family instead of focusing on him and helping him. Now he's unwanted by both parents and considered an interloper. Sad.

allthevitamins · 13/05/2024 20:20

Within half a mile of where I live there are three studio apartments for rent for £550 pcm or less. I haven't checked HMOs but these are probably similar. Someone working full time on minimum wage should easily be able to afford this. Especially if young, single, and maybe also doing overtime/second job for spends. This is what people do.

Otherwise become someone's lodger.

Or rent with a friend.

My parents had three spare bedrooms but there was no way I would have been welcomed back once I'd left home. He's 23 and able to work, OP and her DH need to prioritise their minor DC if there isn't much they can do about their housing situation.

I'd let him know and give him a month or two to sort himself out, possibly help with a rental deposit and of course with moving.

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/05/2024 20:19

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

Surely he can game and watch outside of the bedroom.

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/05/2024 20:17

IlonaRN · 13/05/2024 16:46

He's 23. He shouldn't be living with parents at that age - he needs to find a shared house or similar and stand on his own two feet!

Don't phrase it as needing the room for the others, though, as he will then feel resentful, but do give him a set time to find a new place.

There's nothing wrong with multigenerational living. This notion that every young person is better off throwing away money on rent is so pernicious.

Thursdaygirl · 13/05/2024 20:16

I imagine both DH and DSS will feel compelled to change the situation when It actually impacts them.

Oh indeed!

CobraChicken · 13/05/2024 20:15

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

Kind of tough! It's more of "an option" than your 12 year old daughter having to share with her brother.

DSS would need to stop playing inappropriate video games and watching inappropriate films in the shared bedroom.

The alternative is he chooses to move out, but that way at least you're not forcing him to move out.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/05/2024 20:15

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

Then he has to stop using his computer and tv late at night. End of.