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Original poster

To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

244 replies

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 16:43

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

OP posts:
Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 17:16

I do feel a bit sorry for DSS though, as it's so hard to find accommodation at the moment. All the 23 year olds I know are still living with their parents? Do you have a downstairs room he could have?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 13/05/2024 17:15

A 12 yr old girl should not be sharing a room with her brother. A 10 year old boy should not be sharing his room with a 23 yr old adult. Yes your stepson should move out as it was a temporary arrangement and it's just not working now but it's not that easy for young people to just move out. Can you and his dad help him with a deposit and a couple of months rent to get him started off? Other than that can you repurpose the dining room for a short while until he can save enough to move out?

Mothership4two · 13/05/2024 17:13

He needs to move out, but his parents will probably need to help him achieve that.

I presume the fact that his stay was supposed to be temporary and 'just for the time being' was discussed with him at the time? He needs to be told that time's up now by both of you or you may end up being the bad guy.

12 is too old for a girl to be sharing with a brother and 10 is too old to be sharing with an adult (male) IMO. DH needs to recognise that all three of his children need consideration and appropriate quality of life

Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 17:12

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

In that case, DH should share with DSS 😂 and you can share with DD. DS would have have own room. Only alternative until DSS moves out

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 13/05/2024 17:11

buying a bigger house that would accompany your needs.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 13/05/2024 17:10

Your Dd absolutely should not be sharing with her brother.

Tell DH you need to re purpose the dining room as a bedroom. Or move. That might focus his mind.

It is really hard for young people finding a place to live independently these days.

happyinherts · 13/05/2024 17:10

To be honest, I don't think you have much choice here. Stepson is going to have to find somewhere else to live, isn't he? There doesn't appear to be another option. And, if he can afford to move out and be independent, it's a bonus.

Original poster
whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

OP posts:
abovethefold · 13/05/2024 16:58

Agree that he needs to move out but it might be prohibitively expensive. Can you or dh help with the cost? Yes I know ideally he would be able to fend for himself but the rental market is brutal

catscalledbeanz · 13/05/2024 16:55

So it was fine for your dd / ds to give up their room for him, but not fine the other way around? Your dh is talking shit- by the same argument "it's not his fault they fight! It's HIS room" well, no it's not. It was ds/ dds room! It wasn't their fault his girlfriend and mother chucked him out! Ffs.

I'd be unequivocally saying that my daughter needs her own room now as she approaches puberty. Entirely inappropriate to have her share with her brother whilst there is another option. If he stays then he should share with his brother- maintaining single sex shared rooms is more appropriate . Although the best answer of course is the adult moves into a home where there's room for him (and which you say he can afford)

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2024 16:55

Mockingjay123 · 13/05/2024 16:47

The two lads share and your daughter gets her own room.

This is the only solution until the step son moves out,

canyouletthedogoutplease · 13/05/2024 16:52

As PP put him in one room with his brother in bunk beds. That should see him out fairly sharpish. He's 23, it's time for him to fly.

GabriellaMontez · 13/05/2024 16:52

Mockingjay123 · 13/05/2024 16:47

The two lads share and your daughter gets her own room.

Seems like the most reasonable option.

Haydenn · 13/05/2024 16:49

I’d start charging him rent at the very least and hold it in a savings account for him as a deposit or and money he can have back when he moves out. He’s never going to choose to move out whilst he has so much disposable income.

BurnerName1 · 13/05/2024 16:48

Mockingjay123 · 13/05/2024 16:47

The two lads share and your daughter gets her own room.

This. This will also likely encourage your stepson to move out.

IncognitoUsername · 13/05/2024 16:48

Are you asking him to give up his room or move out of the house completely?

Mockingjay123 · 13/05/2024 16:47

The two lads share and your daughter gets her own room.

Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 16:47

12 year old girl needs her own room. I'm sure it's recommended to separate children of different sexes by age 10. Either stepson will have to share with 10 year old boy (not great) or move out.

IlonaRN · 13/05/2024 16:46

He's 23. He shouldn't be living with parents at that age - he needs to find a shared house or similar and stand on his own two feet!

Don't phrase it as needing the room for the others, though, as he will then feel resentful, but do give him a set time to find a new place.