Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

190 replies

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 13:00

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

OP posts:
drusth · 13/05/2024 14:06

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 14:03

I know DS has previously had meals at B's house and said there was 'a lot' of vegetables. I didn't really pry into this, but DS isn't super adventurous with food so I assumed the vegetables were more exotic than broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots, which is basically the extent of veg that DS will eat. B doesn't appear malnourished or underfed but I do think he doesn't have access to any treats at home which is why he gets a bit fiendish at ours.

I try to feed DS a balanced diet, so a snack would be a piece of fruit + a cheese string, or it might be some strawberries and a bag of mini cookies, or some tortilla chips + carrot sticks. I don't think it's DS asking for food and blaming it on B as DS knows he can help himself to snacks and he's never gone overboard with them.

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

Yep, he lives two doors down, there is no reason to provide him with snacks.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2024 14:04

Goldenbear · 13/05/2024 13:58

I don’t think you should change your family habits or culture to align with this child’s parents strictness on food. If they don’t like him having the snacks that’s their issue really. Wait until the teenage years, we came home on Saturday evening to find DS and friends had eaten our prawns and a pizza and huge bag of Pistachio nuts before they went to a party!

On the plus side there are no play dates for 6th formers so I don’t have to provide dinners anymore which is a blessed relief when you have visiting children that only eat beige food and don’t like anything you serve up. I had one child come to ours for a play date and food and she was not very happy about the food, she also said that she would normally eat with her house rabbit and that she would normally eat her food in front of the TV at a specific time so that she could watch the Clangers. My DD got so bored with her moaning that she walked off and I found her playing with toys in her bedroom! 😁

Original poster
TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 14:03

I know DS has previously had meals at B's house and said there was 'a lot' of vegetables. I didn't really pry into this, but DS isn't super adventurous with food so I assumed the vegetables were more exotic than broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots, which is basically the extent of veg that DS will eat. B doesn't appear malnourished or underfed but I do think he doesn't have access to any treats at home which is why he gets a bit fiendish at ours.

I try to feed DS a balanced diet, so a snack would be a piece of fruit + a cheese string, or it might be some strawberries and a bag of mini cookies, or some tortilla chips + carrot sticks. I don't think it's DS asking for food and blaming it on B as DS knows he can help himself to snacks and he's never gone overboard with them.

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

OP posts:
Buffysoldersister · 13/05/2024 14:03

I would give the same snacks as I allowed my own dc (so in your case one) and then offer fruit/veg only. Then you will know if genuine hunger or just trying it on.

drusth · 13/05/2024 14:01

Tospyornottospy · 13/05/2024 13:58

Btw I recently had a child round on a play date who got through a LOT of snacks and it was annoying (after food) as it does feel cheeky but it’s not really as they are children and just want food always so I had to just grit my teeth as he’s not round as much as this neighbour.

Just say no! Offer apples only.

Tospyornottospy · 13/05/2024 13:58

Btw I recently had a child round on a play date who got through a LOT of snacks and it was annoying (after food) as it does feel cheeky but it’s not really as they are children and just want food always so I had to just grit my teeth as he’s not round as much as this neighbour.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2024 13:58

I don’t think you should change your family habits or culture to align with this child’s parents strictness on food. If they don’t like him having the snacks that’s their issue really. Wait until the teenage years, we came home on Saturday evening to find DS and friends had eaten our prawns and a pizza and huge bag of Pistachio nuts before they went to a party!

Tospyornottospy · 13/05/2024 13:56

Maybe if his parents are anti snack and you explain to them about all the snacks he’s having they will

  1. tell him to stop asking
  2. tell you they don’t want him having XYZ so you’re off the hook
  3. reveal themselves as CF who won’t have snacks at home but happy for him to eat yours (I know someone like this!)

either way buy fruit and offer a satsuma or otherwise - I always find they aren’t so keen for snacks if just fruit 😀

mindutopia · 13/05/2024 13:47

That's totally fine. Dc's friends often ask for snacks. I will give them snacks sometimes, but other times, I just say no. They can go home if they are hungry or they can wait until their next meal time. I wouldn't want a neighbour pumping mine full of junk rather than just saying no. Unless you suspect that this child is not being fed at home, then I would leave it to his parents to decide what to feed him. It sounds like he likes to come to yours because you have the good snacks.

Deadringer · 13/05/2024 13:42

Every child that has come to our house has done this, constantly getting our dc to ask for snacks/junk. You really just need to learn to say no, or have a maximum, say one snack in the morning and one in the afternoon, or just whatever you would usually let your own dc have. Once they are eaten, you just say sorry lads that's your limit, and mean it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2024 13:39

It’s always kids whose parents who are overly strict who are like this.

The kids whose parents are very strict about food who beg you for snacks constantly. The kids whose parents hit them, shout alot or use harsh consequences who can’t behave at your house where they’ll be spoken to reasonably.

You can always tell the kids with reasonable, moderate parents who treat them with respect as they always behave beautifully.

starray · 13/05/2024 13:38

I would've offered chips with the burger lunch. Your child might just have a small appetite.

MILTOBE · 13/05/2024 13:36

I think you should say, "Go home and get a snack there" every single time he does it. His parents don't want him eating snacks. You don't want him to eat your snacks. Send him home every time and warn your son that he's not having any snacks when his friend is there. It's not fair on you.

Mishmashs · 13/05/2024 13:35

Oh god I was probably this child! Although if we’d been told no I wouldn’t have pestered! My house was a very healthy food one and we only ever had crisps in when we had visitors and we’re taking them out for the day/picnic type outing. Very rarely chocolate. My friend’s parents ran a hotel so there were always boxes of crisps including the forbidden monster much and cans of fizzy drinks like Lilt!

I think allow one snack - could be a digestive biscuit or mini cheddars so nothing to wildly exciting and then say no to every other request.

wellington77 · 13/05/2024 13:33

Just tell his parents, that will soon shut him up. And if not tell him parents for him to bring his own snacks as it’s getting ridiculous, maybe you could say- is there something medically wrong with him to make them embarrassed and so they sort it out. You are the adult, refuse the child.

Orangebadger · 13/05/2024 13:33

@drusth that's an individual choice. We have my kids friends over here a lot, especially the neighbour. I am more than happy for them to have some snacks while here. If she doesn't want to feed them, then she can very kindly in a lovely warm hearted kind of way, tell him to bugger off home and get is own snacks from his own parents.

Doingmybest12 · 13/05/2024 13:31

Or is it your child wanting snacks and blaming B?

Doingmybest12 · 13/05/2024 13:30

You need to speak to B yourself and tell your child to stop bringing messages for him, B can ask you himself if he wants to..this is fairly u
usual I think on play dates with some children. Cut out the middle man and be firm.

ObsidianTree · 13/05/2024 13:29

Don't feel bad. It sounds like he's asking because he wants treats he doesn't get at home.

If you want to give him 1 snack per visit, then say to him that your son gets 1 snack a day so he can have one snack and if he wants more he can get them from home.

Stick to this and eventually he will stop asking.

Alternatively, move the good snacks to somewhere where he wouldn't check and leave rice cakes/ raisins etc, so he stops asking all together!

Or, if he asks for a snack, make cucumber and carrot sticks each time! That will stop him asking 🤣

Goldenbear · 13/05/2024 13:27

Is he hungry, is he being fed by his parents? Does your son ever go to his for lunch like you provided for him?

drusth · 13/05/2024 13:27

Orangebadger · 13/05/2024 13:24

Speak to his parents and ask what snacks they are happy for him to have. Or when he next asks, say that he will need to ask his parents if he's allowed a biscuits etc, or he can have a banana.

No, don't do this! Why should OP be responsible for feeding him?

drusth · 13/05/2024 13:26

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

Don't feel mean, you did the right thing.

You need to get him out of this habit so say no to all snack requests and only offer water and apples. Why did he stay for lunch?

InTheRainOnATrain · 13/05/2024 13:25

DD’s best friend is the same. I’m pretty sure it’s because the parents are really controlling around food, she’s not even allowed the school puddings which are mostly fruit/yoghurt. So it’s just too tempting for her to be in the same house as a packet of crisps. Or that’s my theory anyway. When she’s over they get their one ‘nice snack’ then every time she asks for more I keep offering stuff a banana or carrot sticks, so she stops asking!

Orangebadger · 13/05/2024 13:24

Speak to his parents and ask what snacks they are happy for him to have. Or when he next asks, say that he will need to ask his parents if he's allowed a biscuits etc, or he can have a banana.

Oblomov24 · 13/05/2024 13:23

Is he very poor, are the parents neglectful, if he's so hungry he's asking for constant snacks?