Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

190 replies

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 13:00

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 13/05/2024 19:14

I would say to the mum, ‘X has started eating me out of house and home-is he like that with you wanting snacks?!’

Depending on my relationship with the parents (and their sense of humour) I might suggest he is having a growth spurt (or has worms ;) ) and see what they say. I’d also say I was just going offer toast/an apple/digestives/nothing in future, were they happy with that.

Chances are, they’ll be horrified and tell him to stop begging for snacks. Unless you are genuinely worried they aren’t feeding him enough and it’s a safeguarding issue, obviously.

LakeTiticaca · 13/05/2024 19:03

Why is it so difficult to say no to a nine year old kid? Just say it firmly.
Kids are so cheeky nowadays. I would never have dreamed of asking for food at a friend's house and none of my friends ever did. My mother would have given them short shrift if they had.
Same with my kids. They could have a couple of biscuits but that's all.
I don't know why people so scared of saying no to children nowadays

Austrocock · 13/05/2024 19:00

Just say no to the snacks. Kids do not need to be snacking all the time.
I'd just give him whatever snack you would give your child at whatever time he would normally have one. So if he gets carrot sticks at 4 pm, that's what the other child gets and if he doesn't want them, tough.

I think I'd have a chat with the parents though so they know that he's constantly asking for snacks.

Orangebadger · 13/05/2024 18:52

IvanTheDragon · 13/05/2024 17:08

I was definitely this kid, because of rigid food rules at home, and I just had no experience of how to navigate it/sense that I was being rude. From 9 year old me's perspective, this would be a No! Rules! Food! situation and I would not have been able to see that there was a general approach of restraint, because to me a rule about food was something very prescriptive and unwavering - and I had no experience of regulating my desire for treat food as all the regulation was done for me.

What I would have appreciated would be clear, unshaming communication about what the rules/approach was in your house so I could fit in with that - I would not have twigged that I was breaking an unwritten rule, but I wouldn't have wanted to be cheeky or rude.

This is interesting to me, my DD has a friend who comes from a very strict home, very strict food rules etc. whenever she comes over she will never eat her dinner, I have since discovered she is the same at everyone's house, except her own, where she has no choice.

Undethetree · 13/05/2024 18:44

MrBouc · 13/05/2024 17:50

It's not "always" those type of kids, it's a proportion of them, in the same way as there will be a proportion of kids from "endless snack" households who constantly ask for treats, because it's what they are used to, rather than what they are generally forbidden.
Usually we notice the differences in the way other people parent, rather than the similarities, so the parents who have a different style to us tend to stand out and stick in our minds.

Show quote history

This

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/05/2024 18:42

penjil · 13/05/2024 18:20

Do you have autism, if you don't mind my asking .. ?

Show quote history

you didn’t ask me but as somebody who probably would have behaved like @IvanTheDragon described / in a very similar manner: no, I do not have autism.

I do have adhd (but was a fairly well-behaved child. Liked by most teachers, parents etc).
I was simply brought up in a very restrictive nutritional environment by a mother who was routinely starved as a child and therefore had absolutely no clue what was generally considered “normal”…

I simply wouldn’t have had the framework to understand OP’s approach to nutrition and food 🤷‍♀️ (edit: or realise I was being rude…)

Mnetcurious · 13/05/2024 18:41

Who is in charge here - you or B? Just say no ffs. Once he gets used to you consistently saying no he’ll stop asking all the time, and I’m sure he won’t stop playing with your son just because there aren’t snacks available.

Bambinomino · 13/05/2024 18:39

BobbyBiscuits · 13/05/2024 15:04

I find it weird his parents haven't taught him you don't request food in other people's houses. You politely accept or decline what's offered.
I think you just have to keep saying, no. There are none. Or just say 'no, bc you won't have room for your (next meal at home.)'
I wonder if his parents are actually not feeding him enough though. How does he look physically? Could you ask his mum if she can send him with some snacks from home as he seems a big/healthy eater? You could say you don't want to give him anything he's not allowed etc. I also wonder what your son eats round his house?

This!

BreatheAndFocus · 13/05/2024 18:37

Your snacks are too appealing! Give him some raw veg and watch how often he asks for a snack greatly reduce! He’s after crisps and crap by the sound of it.

strawberrysea · 13/05/2024 18:37

If he's hungry he can do two doors down and get a snack from home.
You've been very kind to feed him for so long in my opinion.

IvanTheDragon · 13/05/2024 18:29

penjil · 13/05/2024 18:20

Do you have autism, if you don't mind my asking .. ?

Show quote history

Not at all! But rules in my family were very black and white, so I didn't recognise that other people might have wider bands of acceptable behaviour/amounts of food, and that the borders of acceptable might be grey, until much older than you might expect.

penjil · 13/05/2024 18:20

IvanTheDragon · 13/05/2024 17:08

I was definitely this kid, because of rigid food rules at home, and I just had no experience of how to navigate it/sense that I was being rude. From 9 year old me's perspective, this would be a No! Rules! Food! situation and I would not have been able to see that there was a general approach of restraint, because to me a rule about food was something very prescriptive and unwavering - and I had no experience of regulating my desire for treat food as all the regulation was done for me.

What I would have appreciated would be clear, unshaming communication about what the rules/approach was in your house so I could fit in with that - I would not have twigged that I was breaking an unwritten rule, but I wouldn't have wanted to be cheeky or rude.

Do you have autism, if you don't mind my asking .. ?

StainlessSeal · 13/05/2024 18:17

Why are people so scared of kids? 🤣 just say no!

Mammma91 · 13/05/2024 18:08

I’d talk to his parents. He may be having a growth spurt and need the additional food. If I have one of DS friends over (although they are only 5) I don’t mind providing snacks so long as the parents are ok with it. On a hot day they’ll have an ice lolly or ice cream after lunch/dinner, but I don’t endlessly every hour provide snacks. Or they won’t eat their main meals!

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/05/2024 18:06

What snacks are you giving him ?

Crisps
Cookies
Party rings
Etc

Or

Apple
Banana
Carrot

Calamitousness · 13/05/2024 18:04

I would always feed a hungry kid. Not their fault if not enough food at home. Sounds like there’s more at play here than greed

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/05/2024 18:04

IvanTheDragon · 13/05/2024 17:08

I was definitely this kid, because of rigid food rules at home, and I just had no experience of how to navigate it/sense that I was being rude. From 9 year old me's perspective, this would be a No! Rules! Food! situation and I would not have been able to see that there was a general approach of restraint, because to me a rule about food was something very prescriptive and unwavering - and I had no experience of regulating my desire for treat food as all the regulation was done for me.

What I would have appreciated would be clear, unshaming communication about what the rules/approach was in your house so I could fit in with that - I would not have twigged that I was breaking an unwritten rule, but I wouldn't have wanted to be cheeky or rude.

I would have faced similar issues (also grew up in a restrictive nutritional environment).

OP should the child (kindly but firmly) that there will be no more than one snack between meals / one snack in the afternoon and one snack in the morning.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/05/2024 18:01

If your DS and B like hanging out together, what I would do is this:
I'd have a small selection of snacks prepared (some crackers, cheese, piece of fruit, jug of squash to drink, bag of crisps each) and just say that once that is gone, there isn't anything else. You're not running an open pantry where the kids can keep going back over and over to keep dipping in to.
If B wants more at that stage then just send B home to have his dinner.

That's what I'd do.

GogoGobo · 13/05/2024 18:00

So much of this thread seems so uptight around food!
Just let the kid have a snack, don't laden the whole thing with guilt about asking for food/bad manners etc.
He's 9 year's old, not just exiting finishing school!
Just make the snack nice, if he asks for more, say it's best he goes home for an early lunch/supper if he's still hungry.
If he's rude when he asks, just tell him how you'd like him to ask.
If he bugs your son to be the messenger, gently tell him that you would like him to ask you directly in future.
It's a couple of well crafted sentences which will eliminate this niggle over what sounds like an overwhelmingly positive friendship for your son.
I think you sound a bit mean over this, especially telling your 9 year old to deliver the message you, as the adult, want delivered!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/05/2024 17:59

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 14:03

I know DS has previously had meals at B's house and said there was 'a lot' of vegetables. I didn't really pry into this, but DS isn't super adventurous with food so I assumed the vegetables were more exotic than broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots, which is basically the extent of veg that DS will eat. B doesn't appear malnourished or underfed but I do think he doesn't have access to any treats at home which is why he gets a bit fiendish at ours.

I try to feed DS a balanced diet, so a snack would be a piece of fruit + a cheese string, or it might be some strawberries and a bag of mini cookies, or some tortilla chips + carrot sticks. I don't think it's DS asking for food and blaming it on B as DS knows he can help himself to snacks and he's never gone overboard with them.

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

If finances are an issue (which seems to be the case based on your updates), you’re definitely not unreasonable.

And if this derails your own approach to nutrition and nutritional education, it’s perfect fine to have some ground rules.

“One snack between meals” would be perfectly reasonable, imo.

But you shouldn’t put the burden of communication on your DS. Tell the child yourself!

MrBouc · 13/05/2024 17:50

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2024 13:39

It’s always kids whose parents who are overly strict who are like this.

The kids whose parents are very strict about food who beg you for snacks constantly. The kids whose parents hit them, shout alot or use harsh consequences who can’t behave at your house where they’ll be spoken to reasonably.

You can always tell the kids with reasonable, moderate parents who treat them with respect as they always behave beautifully.

It's not "always" those type of kids, it's a proportion of them, in the same way as there will be a proportion of kids from "endless snack" households who constantly ask for treats, because it's what they are used to, rather than what they are generally forbidden.
Usually we notice the differences in the way other people parent, rather than the similarities, so the parents who have a different style to us tend to stand out and stick in our minds.

Georgyporky · 13/05/2024 17:46

Offer him a stick of celery.

Riverlee · 13/05/2024 17:42

Your house, your rules (to use a cliche).

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2024 17:40

Shinyandnew1 · 13/05/2024 17:32

I don’t go to work to earn money to pay for snacks for other people’s kids. I would tell the child no snacks myself.

Is your child going there to play at all-this sounds all very one-sided?

Spot on!

who could argue with this?

snacks every hour is just ridiculous and will lead to obesity

Ishouldstopgoogling · 13/05/2024 17:36

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 13:00

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

I would keep on suggesting he goes home to fetch a snack. Keep repeating everytime he asks for a snack. Its summer, he will be asking for ice cream and ice lollies soon. Nip this in the bud now.