Page 3 | to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2024 11:36

TwinklyBlueFawn · 14/05/2024 10:57

Thanks for the responses.

It's not so much about the money, more the amount of snacks he wants. Technically, we CAN afford to feed B from the snack cupboard every hour if that's what he wants, but why should we? He has food at his own house, I'm already giving him one or two snacks, depending on how long he stays. It's the constant asking for more that does my head in, and the entitlement of going into the snack cupboard to see what we have. I just find it really poor manners and I'd be mortified if my DS did this at someone else's house. B also doesn't have the best manners generally, I often have to remind him to say please and thank you which becomes grating over time.

I'd never want to come across as rude or 'tight', I'm actually a generous person in day to day life. But I do a weekly shop with the intention that it will last a week, not have all the snacks demolished in one day.

My question isn't really should I give B no snacks, as I'm more than happy for him to have one or two when he plays.

DS and B probably split their time between the houses 60% at ours and 40% at B's, which I think is because DS has an Xbox and more stuff to play with in the garden. I know DS only gets offered fruit at B's house and I've always told him if he's hungry, come home and eat and don't pester B's parents for food as it just doesn't seem polite to me

Honestly I'd just send him home when he gets too he's a nuisance and I really think his parents ought to know he isn't behaving they would probably be horrified at his behaviour.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 14/05/2024 11:34

No snacks left, sorry.
Maybe pop home and get something if you're really hungry?

Regardless of why he's asking it isn't your responsibility @TwinklyBlueFawn, harsh as that might sound.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2024 11:33

mrsm43s · 13/05/2024 19:55

I don't necessarily think he is hungry, but I'd always err on the side of caution, as you never know what goes on behind closed doors, even in seemingly "respectable" families.

As I said, it depends on OP's motivation for denying him snacks.

If it's cost - there's super cheap options out there (or chat to the parents about a contribution or sending a snack pack if a 5p carrot / slice of toast/ handful of pasta is really too much)
If it's worry about health - give healthy snacks
If it's worry that parents won't like it - chat to parents and agree whats acceptable.
If it's just plain being ungenerous - tell him to get lost - no snacks here.

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I don't think that's the op responsibility though if he's just an ordinary kid but just wants to eat something nice at his friends house.

MILTOBE · 14/05/2024 11:30

I'd go mad if a child went into my snack cupboard! That's so rude. I think if you take him home when he does that then he might stop doing it, though I'm sure he'd just blame your son anyway.

TabithaTimeTurner · 14/05/2024 11:24

It's the constant asking for more that does my head in, and the entitlement of going into the snack cupboard to see what we have.

I think it’s probably time for another secret hidden snack cupboard with the real treats in, just for yourselves and keep the existing one for the boring stuff. Pretty sure he’ll soon stop if all he can have is something like a plain cracker or dried fruit.

Original poster

TwinklyBlueFawn · 14/05/2024 10:57

Thanks for the responses.

It's not so much about the money, more the amount of snacks he wants. Technically, we CAN afford to feed B from the snack cupboard every hour if that's what he wants, but why should we? He has food at his own house, I'm already giving him one or two snacks, depending on how long he stays. It's the constant asking for more that does my head in, and the entitlement of going into the snack cupboard to see what we have. I just find it really poor manners and I'd be mortified if my DS did this at someone else's house. B also doesn't have the best manners generally, I often have to remind him to say please and thank you which becomes grating over time.

I'd never want to come across as rude or 'tight', I'm actually a generous person in day to day life. But I do a weekly shop with the intention that it will last a week, not have all the snacks demolished in one day.

My question isn't really should I give B no snacks, as I'm more than happy for him to have one or two when he plays.

DS and B probably split their time between the houses 60% at ours and 40% at B's, which I think is because DS has an Xbox and more stuff to play with in the garden. I know DS only gets offered fruit at B's house and I've always told him if he's hungry, come home and eat and don't pester B's parents for food as it just doesn't seem polite to me

OP posts:

LeopardsRockingham · 14/05/2024 10:10

Our street is overrun by children, which is great for DS, not so good for snacks.

I just have a my house my rules, if I feel like giving them a snack I will. If not they don't get.
Often it's limited by the number of them, I may have 6 biscuits but not 6 apples.

One day I made 5 lunches, off they went happily out, later we discovered they'd been to each of the other 4 houses, plus a granny in the street and ate 6 lunches that day😱..... kids are disgusting chancers who egg each other on. I'd have bet my life and said my DS would never be so cheeky....but he was. Big talking to that evening.

OP I would just make it where its not expected to get fed at yours, but if you feel like it then give them something. If he asks or sends your son down just answer loudly "not today, tell X I haven't been shopping"

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/05/2024 09:29

drusth · 14/05/2024 04:14

There’s a lack of sensitivity in your post. Not everyone can afford to regularly stock up a mini fridge for other people’s kids who lives two doors down, with veg bits, fruit, crackers, cheese cubes and homemade cakes or small chunks of flapjack.

Have you considered that OP might be on a tight budget, since she is worried about the price of fruit? It’s great that your perfect kids didn’t gorge, but this neighbour kid does gorge if allowed.

Edited

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@sprigatito

this! Have you seen the cost of food in these days! Many families are struggling to afford the basics, never mind endless, unnecessary snacks!

drusth · 14/05/2024 04:14

sprigatito · 14/05/2024 00:36

I did similar to this when mine were little. I bought them a mini fridge and stocked it up each day with things they could help themselves to and offer their friends - mostly veg bits, some fruit, crackers, cheese cubes and the odd treat like little homemade cakes or small chunks of flapjack. They didn't gorge on it or get obsessed with it, they used it sensibly and neither of them has a weight problem (they are 19 and 21 now)

There's an unpleasant undertone to some of the posts on this thread. Yes, children shouldn't be freely accessing unlimited crisps and ice cream all day, and cost is a factor - but being hospitable and generous isn't a bad thing for children to learn either.

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There’s a lack of sensitivity in your post. Not everyone can afford to regularly stock up a mini fridge for other people’s kids who lives two doors down, with veg bits, fruit, crackers, cheese cubes and homemade cakes or small chunks of flapjack.

Have you considered that OP might be on a tight budget, since she is worried about the price of fruit? It’s great that your perfect kids didn’t gorge, but this neighbour kid does gorge if allowed.

Polishedshoesalways · 14/05/2024 04:06

I dont think it’s healthy to have so many snacks so it would be a no from me.

Offer one healthy snack

sprigatito · 14/05/2024 00:36

LookItsMeAgain · 13/05/2024 18:01

If your DS and B like hanging out together, what I would do is this:
I'd have a small selection of snacks prepared (some crackers, cheese, piece of fruit, jug of squash to drink, bag of crisps each) and just say that once that is gone, there isn't anything else. You're not running an open pantry where the kids can keep going back over and over to keep dipping in to.
If B wants more at that stage then just send B home to have his dinner.

That's what I'd do.

I did similar to this when mine were little. I bought them a mini fridge and stocked it up each day with things they could help themselves to and offer their friends - mostly veg bits, some fruit, crackers, cheese cubes and the odd treat like little homemade cakes or small chunks of flapjack. They didn't gorge on it or get obsessed with it, they used it sensibly and neither of them has a weight problem (they are 19 and 21 now)

There's an unpleasant undertone to some of the posts on this thread. Yes, children shouldn't be freely accessing unlimited crisps and ice cream all day, and cost is a factor - but being hospitable and generous isn't a bad thing for children to learn either.

GiantPigeon · 14/05/2024 00:25

I've had similar problem before and like you I think it's because the kid is controlled at home. We're like you, everything in moderation as I didn't want there to be scarcity around food and we live with snack baskets in bedrooms and they are rarely touched.

Even now one still has I think 4 unopened Easter eggs in room, just not interested and I think that's because it's always on offer, I have never said no, so it's not special. For playdates and because kids were getting older I made sort of playdate baskets in rooms, for older kids to help themselves. Things like fruit shoots, crisps, yoyo bears, mini cookies etc.

I had one kid visit who ate numerous packs of every item, empty packets everywhere and numerous fruit shoots, it was actually a bit unsettling, I know they are tightly controlled at home but that was the worst.

It's just not good, I have others visit who live like us with things in moderation and they take one or two bits out the basket over the course of a playdate.

Then the parents who've kept an incredibly tight leash on it all, those kids don't have any self control. I also had one boy who visited last year and he would get so amped up because we had cheesy tortilla crisps.

It's a bit sad for them and I wonder what they will be like as teenagers and adults when they've lived their whole childhood with this scarcity mindset and some cheese flavoured crisps or mini cookies produces such strong emotion because they've been so restricted.

I don't think there is an easy answer for you. I'd maybe put healthier snacks out on offer in jars. Fig roll biscuits, salted pretzels, nuts, yoghurt tubes in fridge and some cheap aldi multipack crisps.

You will never fill these kids up, it's more excitement because of the way they've been raised rather than actual hunger.

disaggregate · 13/05/2024 23:14

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 13:00

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

Presumably you know the mum if she's a couple of doors down, so just ask her what she's happy with him eating at your house. Tbh I find it strange you wouldn't have asked her already if it's such an issue - I've always asked dc's parents if there's anything they'd prefer the kids not to eat, or what their favourite tea is etc

Noseybookworm · 13/05/2024 22:19

TwinklyBlueFawn · 13/05/2024 14:03

I know DS has previously had meals at B's house and said there was 'a lot' of vegetables. I didn't really pry into this, but DS isn't super adventurous with food so I assumed the vegetables were more exotic than broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots, which is basically the extent of veg that DS will eat. B doesn't appear malnourished or underfed but I do think he doesn't have access to any treats at home which is why he gets a bit fiendish at ours.

I try to feed DS a balanced diet, so a snack would be a piece of fruit + a cheese string, or it might be some strawberries and a bag of mini cookies, or some tortilla chips + carrot sticks. I don't think it's DS asking for food and blaming it on B as DS knows he can help himself to snacks and he's never gone overboard with them.

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

If you're happy to give one snack then do that and just say that's your lot now, no more snacks today! It's not hard 🤷‍♀️

Pookerrod · 13/05/2024 21:46

When my kids were little they were only allowed 1 crappy snack per day maximum (3 choc biscuits, packet of crisps etc) but they could help themselves to the fruit bowl as much as they wanted. Could you offer something like this? It meant that they only really snacked when they were genuinely peckish.

Frangipanyoul8r · 13/05/2024 21:35

Whilst I would never deny a child food, it’s also fine to teach kids that when they’re at your house, they follow your house rules.

Just say something like “we usually just have one snack a day in this house” or something like that.

GeckoFeet · 13/05/2024 20:51

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

Just do that then. I honestly don't understand what the issue is. You're the adult, you set the boundary/rule and you stick to it. Just say no.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2024 20:27

muggart · 13/05/2024 16:50

If I were you I'd give him a massive bag of carrots or celery and tell him that is all he can have. You could add a pot of hummus if you're feeling generous but theres no obligation to. He's not your responsibility.

To be completely honest, his parents probably hate you giving their son junk food all the time.

It's a bit of a messed up situation that a) you're giving him food that's bad for him b) your undermining his parents parenting and probably pissing them off because nobody wants other parents to give their kids junk and c) it's costly and inconvenient to you.... yet you are doing all this to be nice!

You need to reframe it in your head so you don't feel guilty for saying no (which you shouldn't). The good thing to do here is to trust your instincts and say no.

@muggart

which food is it that Op is giving him that is bad for him?

flyinghen · 13/05/2024 20:24

InTheRainOnATrain · 13/05/2024 13:25

DD’s best friend is the same. I’m pretty sure it’s because the parents are really controlling around food, she’s not even allowed the school puddings which are mostly fruit/yoghurt. So it’s just too tempting for her to be in the same house as a packet of crisps. Or that’s my theory anyway. When she’s over they get their one ‘nice snack’ then every time she asks for more I keep offering stuff a banana or carrot sticks, so she stops asking!

God this is so sad, poor thing

mrsm43s · 13/05/2024 20:02

FaeryRing · 13/05/2024 19:58

Why should OP wait on somebody else’s kid hand and foot? Would you expect a dad to do this? Would they ever? Unless he’s skin and bone and there’s concern over him being fed at home tell him to get lost

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Well clearly you're in the "just plain being ungenerous" camp.

Personally I'm not like that, so would happily and willingly offer something. I would, of course, check with parents if I had any health concerns.

(Edited to add - sex has nothing to do with it. DH would do exactly as I would do. Don't really understand why you've brought male/female into the issue - totally irrelevant IMO.)

FaeryRing · 13/05/2024 19:58

mrsm43s · 13/05/2024 19:55

I don't necessarily think he is hungry, but I'd always err on the side of caution, as you never know what goes on behind closed doors, even in seemingly "respectable" families.

As I said, it depends on OP's motivation for denying him snacks.

If it's cost - there's super cheap options out there (or chat to the parents about a contribution or sending a snack pack if a 5p carrot / slice of toast/ handful of pasta is really too much)
If it's worry about health - give healthy snacks
If it's worry that parents won't like it - chat to parents and agree whats acceptable.
If it's just plain being ungenerous - tell him to get lost - no snacks here.

Show quote history

Why should OP wait on somebody else’s kid hand and foot? Would you expect a dad to do this? Would they ever? Unless he’s skin and bone and there’s concern over him being fed at home tell him to get lost

MumblesParty · 13/05/2024 19:58

It’s difficult to know if this child is genuinely hungry, or if he just knows his friend’s house has tasty snacks that he doesn’t get at home, and wants to make the most of it. I wouldn’t want a child to be hungry, so if finances permit, I would say “we don’t have any snack food in at the moment, but if B is hungry he can have some bread and butter”. I always found that helped separate the hungry kids from the “I just want some chocolate/crisps” kids!

mrsm43s · 13/05/2024 19:55

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2024 19:47

I doubt he's hungry @mrsm43s he had been given something and he wanted something else he was being greedy , I think some people genuinely mistake I want for I need so they just throw food at kids!

Edited

I don't necessarily think he is hungry, but I'd always err on the side of caution, as you never know what goes on behind closed doors, even in seemingly "respectable" families.

As I said, it depends on OP's motivation for denying him snacks.

If it's cost - there's super cheap options out there (or chat to the parents about a contribution or sending a snack pack if a 5p carrot / slice of toast/ handful of pasta is really too much)
If it's worry about health - give healthy snacks
If it's worry that parents won't like it - chat to parents and agree whats acceptable.
If it's just plain being ungenerous - tell him to get lost - no snacks here.

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2024 19:47

I doubt he's hungry @mrsm43s he had been given something and he wanted something else he was being greedy , I think some people genuinely mistake I want for I need so they just throw food at kids!

mrsm43s · 13/05/2024 19:41

What is the crux of the matter here? Is it that you can't afford to give snacks or you don't think he should have snacks for health reasons or you're worried that his parents won't like you giving him snacks or you just plain don't want to give him snacks?

Personally, I'd hate a child to be hungry, am quite happy to share whatever we have and can perfectly well afford snacks, so I'd have no problem giving a child who asked snacks. But snacks in our house tend to be fruit / veggies and hummus / hot buttered toast / hard boiled egg / fruit and yoghurt/ air blown popcorn/ cheese cubes/ olives etc rather than UPF so I wouldn't really be worried about parents being concerned or health reasons.

If money is the issue - buttered toast/carrot sticks/snack portion of pasta pesto/handful of olives/seasonal fruit/celery sticks/homemade popcorn etc are all super cheap and stuff you'd probably have in the house anyway.