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Original poster

To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

237 replies

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:26

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP posts:
drusth · 14/05/2024 08:46

Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 08:36

Thanks. He is quite childlike in a lot of ways and I think he has a dream of me and DH cheering as he goes on the stage while he - I don’t know! He’s 45 but almost like a teenager in many ways (and I don’t actually think the numerous studies have helped in this respect.)

Does he have a job? How does he finance the studies?

fourelementary · 14/05/2024 08:41

I don’t think you’re wrong for how you feel.
That said, it would break my heart to send my one year old to nursery on their birthday. Could DH not take the day off and bring baby with you guys and just go to a park or a wee walk for the ceremony and then have a nice lunch with baby too?
You can book a day off work to return to the baby class for a visit maybe in a few weeks to say goodbye/thank you as I assume the other mums are continuing to go?

Hankunamatata · 14/05/2024 08:41

Is this for a PhD?

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 08:36

Thanks. He is quite childlike in a lot of ways and I think he has a dream of me and DH cheering as he goes on the stage while he - I don’t know! He’s 45 but almost like a teenager in many ways (and I don’t actually think the numerous studies have helped in this respect.)

OP posts:
Greywitch2 · 13/05/2024 17:47

@Whitelilacs Yes, the pp got it right. I probably didn't word it very well. I meant that if other people have turned it down because they are busy, why can't you? I didn't realise there was no one else.

But even so - the fact that the only person in his life is a sister does NOT mean you have to go to his event when you already had plans for that day. It's your child's birthday and you have made arrangements to do something.

His desire for you to witness his triumph (again) doesn't trump the fact that you are busy that day with your children. Tell him you are sorry, you can't make it. If it helps, ask yourself whether he would give up his plans to come to something YOU wanted him to be at instead. I suspect he wouldn't.

umami89 · 13/05/2024 14:36

He sounds like a child OP. I say that as someone who's been a mature student!
Even for weddings, ridiculous to expect pulling out all the stops for anything other than the first one.

Multiple undergraduate degrees, uncompleted ones etc etc is such a piss take.

Personally the only thing I'd be inclined to celebrate is him actually getting a job off the back of all these degrees. Not sure whether any of this is actually an accomplishment worthy of all that faff.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/05/2024 13:20

No one wanted to come to my last (third) graduation ... the world didn't end.

BusyMintCrab · 13/05/2024 13:12

I don’t think I’d go actually - perhaps you could do something in the evening or another day to celebrate both?

As much as his graduation is important to him, your baby’s birthday is also important to you!! He will surely understand it goes both ways!

SunGoesIntoHiding · 13/05/2024 13:12

Don't Go. Say you have no childcare (true as you talk about eldest going in extra day and taking the 1yr old). Congratulate him and arrange a special celebration like a mela or drinks out etc. This is his fourth degree and he can be proud and excited about graduation but he doesn’t get to dictate your life. Presumably you e attended prior graduations and know it’s very long winded and he’s on stage no time at all. Your 1yr old won’t enjoy that! Not everyone attends the ceremony but that doesn’t mean they haven’t graduations and can’t be proud of their accomplishments. You don’t need to physically see him being handed the paper to show him you’re proud of him. I’d decline. He’ll be fine.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 13:10

We have no other family.

I went to two others. Now that I think about it I’m not sure he did go to his first undergraduate ceremony. So I’ve been to two previously and this will be the third. But it does seem to mean a lot to him.

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 13/05/2024 13:10

Xpost with OP - as his only family it is a tough one....

lalaloopyhead · 13/05/2024 13:09

Why is no one else going? Is it because you have no other family, or just that other family are not available to go?
If the latter then why is it so wrong for you to say you are not available either?

Did you go to any of the previous ceremonies?

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 13:08

We don’t have any other family, and he’s single so it is just me unfortunately.

I didn’t mean to sound harsh - it was meant in a sort of semi affectionate ‘trust him’ way but I really do wish I could get out of it. And I know I could … no one’s forcing me but I also know I have to. I do resent it a bit but I’d feel too bad if I didn’t go.

OP posts:
Bunnyannesummers · 13/05/2024 13:08

If you’ve been to one of the other graduations, I think it’s fair to ask him to take a friend to this one! Five is a bit much…

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 13/05/2024 13:06

Sounds like there's a lot of backstory here. I think you're being a little harsh in the way you speak about him.

Love51 · 13/05/2024 13:05

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:58

@Greywitch2 sorry? I don’t know what you mean.

@Bigearringsbigsmile to be fair it is the fourth graduation ceremony he has had. I know it means a lot to him but my daughter’s birthday means a lot to me as well and it REALLY isn’t quite how I saw it going. As I’ve said I know I have to go. I reserve the right to be quietly put out about it, though!

I think she is working on the assumption that other family members would also find attendance at the graduation a bit of an inconvenient faff, so why should their inconvenience trump your inconvenience, rather than assuming that other family members just don't exist / have died / are in hospital / prison / housebound so there is no way they could step up and be the ones to be there.

drusth · 13/05/2024 13:04

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 13:01

Then there’s the ones he didn’t graduate from. It does mean a lot to him though. I won’t pretend to understand why, but it does.

Show quote history

But what does he do for you?

stuffyoursandbox · 13/05/2024 13:03

If wouldn't go in these circumstances but would invite him over/out and celebrate later.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 13:01

drusth · 13/05/2024 13:00

Fourth?!

Fuck that. Your baby doesn't turn 1 year old four times.

How much effort does he make with you and your baby?

Show quote history

Then there’s the ones he didn’t graduate from. It does mean a lot to him though. I won’t pretend to understand why, but it does.

OP posts:
chdjdjdnfn · 13/05/2024 13:01

Aw I would go if he's not going to have anyone else there

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 13:00

No of course not deliberate: it isn’t his fault, just a shame it’s fallen on that day.

OP posts:
drusth · 13/05/2024 13:00

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:58

@Greywitch2 sorry? I don’t know what you mean.

@Bigearringsbigsmile to be fair it is the fourth graduation ceremony he has had. I know it means a lot to him but my daughter’s birthday means a lot to me as well and it REALLY isn’t quite how I saw it going. As I’ve said I know I have to go. I reserve the right to be quietly put out about it, though!

Fourth?!

Fuck that. Your baby doesn't turn 1 year old four times.

How much effort does he make with you and your baby?

charabang · 13/05/2024 12:59

I'd go. Yes, it's not great timing but he didn't pick the date so hasn't done it deliberately. I couldn't let my sibling attend graduation alone.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:58

@Greywitch2 sorry? I don’t know what you mean.

@Bigearringsbigsmile to be fair it is the fourth graduation ceremony he has had. I know it means a lot to him but my daughter’s birthday means a lot to me as well and it REALLY isn’t quite how I saw it going. As I’ve said I know I have to go. I reserve the right to be quietly put out about it, though!

OP posts:
Onewayanoth · 13/05/2024 12:58

My opinion is that your reason is likely as valid for not going as anyone else’s. (Supposing they are not dead or overseas obviously). It’s an invite. You have something else on. It’s ok to say no.

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