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Original poster

To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

237 replies

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:26

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 22:04

I hope so!

I don’t think I need to put my ‘big girl pants’ on. Any feelings of guilt I have might be misplaced but they are still my feelings. I will go to it but I don’t want to!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 14/05/2024 22:01

Fourth graduation is he done now @Whitelilacs ?

knockyknees · 14/05/2024 21:56

Even without the issue of your daughter's birthday, I wouldn't go. Fourth graduation and you've been to at least two others? Hell no.

Tell him you might be able to attend the next one.

Enjoy the day with your daughter. She might not remember it, but you will. I'd rather have the memories of my child's (first) birthday, than the memories of someone's multiple graduations all blended in together.

Has he ever had a job?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2024 20:27

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:58

@Greywitch2 sorry? I don’t know what you mean.

@Bigearringsbigsmile to be fair it is the fourth graduation ceremony he has had. I know it means a lot to him but my daughter’s birthday means a lot to me as well and it REALLY isn’t quite how I saw it going. As I’ve said I know I have to go. I reserve the right to be quietly put out about it, though!

No, you do NOT have to go.

"The problem is he has a history of thinking his own wants trump everyone else’s. He doesn’t do so intentionally and he’s actually a nice person but hard work."

And he has a history of you reinforcing his thinking his wants trump everyone else's too. Frankly, at the age of 45, it's well past time that he learned other people have things that are important to them, more important than his fourth graduation ceremony.

Put your big girl pants on and tell him that you are unable to attend, it clashes with things that are IMPORTANT TO YOU.

skeettch · 14/05/2024 15:02

Fink · 14/05/2024 14:28

I've graduated from several universities. In all of them, you could choose the day of your graduation. Not out of thin air like you just pick any date you like, but graduations are held on set days and you can choose to graduate on whichever of those days you book. Depending on the size of the university, they might be held on several days each season, or maybe only one or two days a year, but you definitely have to proactively choose which one you want.

Show quote history

I've graduated from three and had no choice about my graduation day (did not go to the last as cancelled due to covid, but there was only one date).

skeettch · 14/05/2024 15:01

Don't go and don't feel guilty about it, it's your daughter's birthday.

I didn't go to my Master's graduation - was supposed to be in 2020 but covid put paid to it. I don't think they even rescheduled the ceremony. He's a big boy, he'll live.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 14:43

I can certainly ask him about a winter one but the problem is that if it falls on a working day I’ve no chance of getting it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 14:42

I do know that, thanks. But someone said over the page that he has other family: he doesn’t.

It IS a bit cringey and daft but he doesn’t have great self esteem so I think this graduation is very much about trying to show what he has achieved.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 14/05/2024 14:41

Acornsoup · 14/05/2024 14:00

Your DB can't choose the day of his graduation.

You don't need to be there all day.

How is it typical of him?

Make the arrangements and go. You can do both.

Usually there are summer dates or winter dates from which you can select which ceremony to attend. He has waited until he is 45 to get to his 4th graduation. He can wait another 6 months for a ceremony to allow the only person he seems to know tk celebrate her daughter's birthday with her.

Spirallingdownwards · 14/05/2024 14:37

Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 13:38

I am his only family.

You are your daughter's only mother

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2024 14:35

It feels special when your baby turns 1. He's graduating for the 4th time?! Well you don't need to go to that one as well!!! Don't go, and explain why. Your baby's 1st birthday definitely trumps a 4th graduation!

Fink · 14/05/2024 14:28

Acornsoup · 14/05/2024 14:00

Your DB can't choose the day of his graduation.

You don't need to be there all day.

How is it typical of him?

Make the arrangements and go. You can do both.

I've graduated from several universities. In all of them, you could choose the day of your graduation. Not out of thin air like you just pick any date you like, but graduations are held on set days and you can choose to graduate on whichever of those days you book. Depending on the size of the university, they might be held on several days each season, or maybe only one or two days a year, but you definitely have to proactively choose which one you want.

ChampagneGold · 14/05/2024 14:04

I think he sounds really entitled actually. Expecting a cheering squad for his fourth graduation - how cringe.

I didn't even go to my masters graduation. Just asked the university to mail me the certificate!

I definitely wouldn't go on the basis that he has multiple degrees and this isn't his first rodeo! Fuck that.

Acornsoup · 14/05/2024 14:00

Your DB can't choose the day of his graduation.

You don't need to be there all day.

How is it typical of him?

Make the arrangements and go. You can do both.

sugarbyebye · 14/05/2024 13:57

I'm on my fourth or fifth (hard to keep track) graduation now. There's no way I'd expect people to attend them - in fact, for the last couple (which were diplomas), all the graduates had a great time celebrating together. My dad came to my undergrad and phd but even those I didn't expect or demand anyone to come. All this study is for my own benefit, not anyone else's. He sounds very immature.

burnoutbabe · 14/05/2024 13:55

Though I shall actually go to my dad's graduation-after I did a second degree - he also started one at open university at 75 part time.

Now hopefully he does finish it! And wonders how he'll get his walker up onto the stage. But yes that one I'd attend.

JuiceBoxJuggler · 14/05/2024 13:53

You are being unreasonable.

DownWithThisKindOfThing · 14/05/2024 13:50

The fourth graduation for a 45 year old?! No, I wouldn’t go. I only have one degree but anyone I know who has had a second or third hasn’t even bothered with the ceremony themselves

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 13:47

He hasn’t got any close friends to speak of and plus I imagine they (like DH) would refuse to take a days leave for his graduation.

It does mean a lot to him. He’s been talking about it for a while. I mostly humour him but it is a pain - Dds birthday is a by the by in many ways as I wouldn’t really be doing much to mark it but it does end our time together (not really but you know what I mean!)

OP posts:
drusth · 14/05/2024 13:45

There's very little in your posts about he adds to your life.

Are there any other things at play here, such as MH issues?

Fink · 14/05/2024 13:44

Speaking as a fellow mature student, I would go for a first undergraduate degree or for a doctorate (which you have already said it isn't). I really wouldn't put myself out for a random Masters or similar. I would go if I happened to be free, but not in your circumstances when it meant rearranging other plans.

stuffyoursandbox · 14/05/2024 13:42

Does he have any friends?

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 14/05/2024 13:38

I am his only family.

OP posts:
Birdseyetrifle · 14/05/2024 13:38

Jesus I’ve been to two of my own graduations, no way would I attend a 3rd let alone someone else’s 😂😂

Do your child’s birthday. He’s a 45 year old man ffs!

burnoutbabe · 14/05/2024 13:37

Nottherealslimshady · 14/05/2024 08:58

He's 45, this is his fourth graduation ceremony. No I don't think that trumps your daughter birthday at all. I wouldn't go.

Gosh no!

I did a second undergrad at that age -parents watched on YouTube. Everyone cheers everyone crossing the stage. He will be say with mates anyway?

Parents also watched my masters online. I'd not drag them down to London for this sort of thing.

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