To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

Am I right in thinking that your brother is a nice person but one who takes more than he gives?

I'd think long term about what's important in your life and how much of yourself you have to give. Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities and boundaries.

That's a good point.

Both of mine at that age would've been a pain in the arse, and unless I got lucky and they were asleep they'd probably end up having to be taken out anyway. Other varieties of 12 month old are of course available, but a person who's in sole charge of a presumably at least somewhat mobile baby can't guarantee their presence for the whole of a ceremony that will probably last at least an hour.

OP, I wouldn't go. And I wouldn't expect you to come if it's a fourth graduation and your LO's 1st birthday plus end of mat leave as well. FWIW, I have a number of completed degrees and postgraduate courses. I would have been very cross with some of my family members if they didn't attend the first one. They did, but then my DM missed the second one (which also did mean a lot to me) and she didn't have a valid reason at all - it really annoyed me and we had a falling out. But the reason was she really had no excuse, unlike you. You have several valid reasons. I think it's too much to expect from you and I'd understand if you'd said you can't make it. Why not inviting him over for a celebration in the evening, nice food together, etc?

I had to miss part of my DC1’s 1st birthday to go to funeral. It was no big deal. It was only part of the day and we still had a little celebration.

Don't go you have a one-year-old who will probably be very frustrated, cry and disrupt it so that is a good enough excuse to skip it.

@Whitelilacs The fact that there are only the two of you does make your decision more important than it might be.

Yes, you have a partner, so may feel you need your brother less than he needs you. But life is long - and throughout it you’re each going to need the other to be a friend and support - in ways you can’t yet imagine. Someone asked what he does for you. I haven’t seen a specific answer, but you say he’s kind and helpful. That’s something you want to invest in, going forward. Truly.

No don’t go. He should be old enough to understand. An hour for your PIL to come and collect your dd is a good enough reason. Just tell him it’s too difficult with childcare.

But the two camps are interesting. I’m either a Bad Mum not prioritising my children or I am a Bad Sister with no respect for my brother.

I don't think you're Bad anything tbh.

Which ever you chose you're going to have unsettled feelings.

He’s 45 years old and it’s 4th graduation. No I wouldn’t go if I was you.

Dare I say it, interesting that the person expecting the other to do what they want is the male and the person who's feeling the other person's wants should override theirs is the female. Wonder if the male socialisation is relevant here?

Is it a PhD? Cos I think if it was anything but a PhD I'd skip it. I've had four graduations (none were PhD) and for my fourth one I didn't invite anyway, even I barely wanted to go. Your kid only gets one first birthday and I get how important the little classes are, I cried at baby sensory graduation 😂

Yes. I didn't say it was more important. I said they were clearly both events of importance to the people participating in them, which is why it's a mistake to see this only as one baby class. It's about the end of a particular period.

The two people involved evidently place a differing level of emphasis on things that matter to others, yes.

I’m glad your brother now has a niece and nephew to call family as well. I hope they’ll grow up to be proud of him!

And I don’t think it would be a bad thing for one of his niblings to be able to say they attended one of his graduations when they were small. It’ll be a lovely thing to look back on when they’re older. You can take photos!

Obviously if you take a baby you may want to be outside the hall for most of the speechifying and what not - and then step inside for the actual degree awarding bit.

Please go. It’s awful sad not to have any family at this sort of thing.

#Notbitteratall

And knowing it would matter to him.

The final baby class of mat leave, is, because of OPs particular priorities and experiences, an event of importance to her.

But if she was sure it was more important than attending her brother's graduation ceremony, she wouldn't have asked "It’s not a good enough reason, is it?"

I suppose it's a case of do you put yourself or your brother first?

Both have valid arguments to support them.

I personally couldn't bear the thought of my brother having no one there.

I'm astonished that anyone thinks a baby class is more significant (not even the birthday party which doesn't clash, even though most posters seem to think it's a choice between birthday and graduation).

I'm every bit as surprised that some people don't seem to have understood that this clearly isn't just a baby class to OP. It's marking the end of her mat leave, which is particularly important to her given that her first one happened in lockdown.

I'm all for highlighting that even though this is a 4th graduation for a man who must've spent a good chunk of his adult life doing undergrad degrees and lots of others wouldn't think it was a big deal, it's an event of importance to hiim. But if we're taking that approach, it needs to work both ways. The final baby class of mat leave, is, because of OPs particular priorities and experiences, an event of importance to her.

He’s already graduated 3 times and he’s a 45 year old man. I’m sure he’ll be fine by himself. Why should the OP pay for extra childcare and rearrange her whole week around this?

Because she's the only person he seems to have.

And you have no idea if " he'll be fine " tbh.

Really? I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if any of your kids went to their graduations by themselves. I've never heard of anyone doing it (I'm sure some people have done but very rarely) and at my ceremony of which there were more than 500 other graduates did I see anyone by themselves. It's a life event, up there with weddings, funerals etc.

If it was your daughter and her brother, what would you want her to do?

Personally I couldn't bear the thought that no one would be there for him.

I think you know what the right thing to do is.

But you're either there for people or you're not and this is one of those moments for your brother.

I totally get that it's a very poignant thing for you to have to forgoe. And bloody annoying it's fallen on the same day but Sadly your little girl won't remember her birthday or toddler class.

I'd feel as narked as you OP.

He’s already graduated 3 times and he’s a 45 year old man. I’m sure he’ll be fine by himself. Why should the OP pay for extra childcare and rearrange her whole week around this?