To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

How far away is it? Can you agree to go to the ceremony but not hang around before/afterwards so that you can take your baby to something nearby to celebrate their birthday?

FWIW I don't think you're a shit person if you don't go. It's possible to love and respect your brother, but not put your plans on hold for his fourth graduation ceremony! A first birthday is special, and like you say it kind of marks the end of this time you've had together. He might be gutted, but he has to appreciate that you have other things going on, even if he doesn't!

I would invite him over afterwards for a joint birthday and graduation celebration instead.
Can you imagine a 1 year old sitting through 2 hours of clapping. It will not be a fun experience for either of you

The horror! 😱

I don’t think you should go personally - it’s your DD’s 1st birthday. I know she won’t remember but she’ll definitely enjoy her baby class more than being dragged along to a graduation.

Can’t you just tell your DB you can’t get childcare?

Maybe invite him over for dinner to celebrate after?

There you go, it's his fourth degree fgs.

Bet he's writing his personal statement now for another university course. 3k words,

You don't go with someone to your own graduation. You sit with your classmates. OP would be sitting with random parents she doesn't know.

I wouldn't go. Babies probably aren't allowed anyway.

You could ask him to defer the graduation if he's that bothered.

I have 4 degrees too. The first graduation was significant. The others were a formality. Certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to come unless they actually wanted to.

So have a lot of overseas students if they wish to attend.

Your daughter doesn't know what day her birthday is on. You could switch.

Especially as he has no one else.

It's very freeing to stop doing things out of guilt, obligation, or worry about other's feelings ahead of your own.

You minimise regrets and decision-making is easy.

It is also more respectful of others because who wants to receive a half-hearted favour?

And no, it does not mean a life of selfishness, and no, the world does not stop turning because a woman ceased catering to the needs and wants of others ahead of her own.

You don't need to feel guilty if it is important for you to enjoy your baby girl on her birthday.

You can offer him a compromise - to come over for champagne and birthday cake after his ceremony, which has the added benefit of including all family members in the celebration of two special events.

We attended ds's on Monday, over 2 hours of non stop clapping, at one point I was clapping every other student as my arms are hurting. I noticed dh clapped every time ,afterwards he said it was for people who might not have anyone there and he thought that was really sad after such a massive achievement.

I think you'd be very cold not to go.

In the grand scheme of things your DC will not remember the 1st birthday or anything else around this time. But your bro will remember no one was there to see him graduate. Yes have a moan but go

He has nobody else to go with!

No I wouldn’t be going. Graduations are mind numbing- I work in HE.

Your baby comes first, he needs to get over himself. Is he always so selfish?

Sorry I'm not getting what's horrifying here either.

This:

He’s not my only relative. I have a husband and two children. I am his only relative.

is horrifying. As if you’re a being from some infinitely superior planet …

I interviewed a man early fifties great fit for the position I noticed he had various degrees. The job centre had sent him. Offered him the job on the spot. He thanked me. I thought that was it until the job centre contacted me, they were surprised I'd offered him the job.

Well curiosity piqued I phoned him. He apologised but said that he had been accepted at a university to do a graduate course. So he was going to Ireland.

You're taking your frustration out on posters here OP.

Surely you realised I meant outside the family you’ve made?

Tbh your response has made my blood run cold. Don’t go if you so clearly despise him.

I had a one year old when my eldest graduated. I didn't go because it's a long day, you've got to get there , walk around the town/city, take pictures, get to the auditorium, find your seat. Clap for every student, wait for a glimpse of your brother crossing the stage, when it's all over listen to the Dean and other staff extolling the students. Find your way outside, wait for brother, then find somewhere that you booked well in advance to eat, then find your way home.

My son understood why I couldn't be there.

That baby will be completing his masters in 2026, I'll be 70. With my back and hip issues, I'll be missing that too.

Babies often attend graduation ceremonies and cry during them. It’s no big deal.

It's not the only priority in the OPs life. Unequal relationships can be very difficult and it the OP becoming resentful won't help.

It’s his fourth graduation!

You really don’t need to be there, it’ll be just the same as the other three and I bet they were important at the time as well but fairly meaningless now.

We had a smaa a child at our masters who cried a lot and a parent who didn't take them out particularly quickly (then was just other side of a door so we could all still here)
So yes, don't take a baby to a graduation ceremony.

Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities

Remaining on the best possible terms with your only relative is a priority …