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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

237 replies

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:26

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 20:05

@Manthide i am obviously sorry for your loss but at the risk of sounding more terse than I probably intend, you’ve absolutely no idea what I’ve been through because of my brother.

Besides, I lost my mother very young. I still sometimes found my father irritating before he died as well.

One of my friends had her sister pass away from cancer but I know she is still sometimes annoyed by her other sister

There are people on here who have dealt with the unimaginable sorrow of losing a child. Is every 'my toddler is driving me nuts' thread invalid, or to be greeted with 'this made my blood run cold as at least you have your child'?

Life would be easier without him. It would also be a hell of a lot easier without a three year old and a ten month old baby. That doesn’t mean I don’t want them, does it? Hmm

OP posts:
2024please · 15/05/2024 20:01

Do consider going. At my son's graduation, 2 of his friends had no family there, so came to dinner with us afterwards, it was really nice to feel we were cheering them on as well as our DS when they stepped up to receive their degree.

Manthide · 15/05/2024 19:25

Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 13:05

What frustration? I’m sitting here eating a ham sandwich while DD naps. It’s mildly annoying that his graduation falls on the same day as DDs first birthday and the end of my maternity leave but it’s hardly a massive deal or anything.

It really isn’t horrifying to point out I have two children who are my family (and of course they are his but are too young to really be anywhere without me.) But in any case while this doesn’t apply to my brother it is very sinister to tell people they should put up with anything because of DNA. My brother is a troubled soul and in many ways life would be more straightforward without him. Meeting his needs and the needs of two little children AND a job that can be demanding albeit part time isn’t always easy, in all cases it is a ‘what best fits’ rather than ‘what’s the perfect solution.’

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He sounds similar to my brother - childless, difficult, single, lovely but when you mentioned your life would be easier without him it made my blood run cold! My wonderful brother died 2 months ago today, he was my only sibling, probably ND but never assessed - and I always knew he'd be my responsibility when my parents died ( they are still alive and well) and I so much wish he got to be!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/05/2024 16:50

PrincessTeaSet · 15/05/2024 12:40

You don't go with someone to your own graduation. You sit with your classmates. OP would be sitting with random parents she doesn't know.

I wouldn't go. Babies probably aren't allowed anyway.

You could ask him to defer the graduation if he's that bothered.

I have 4 degrees too. The first graduation was significant. The others were a formality. Certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to come unless they actually wanted to.

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Of course kids are allowed,the Barbican was choc full of families when we went!

afluffle · 15/05/2024 16:43

The 4th one is a bit much. Go to your little one's class.

HesterRoon · 15/05/2024 16:35

It’s true there are no right/wrong answers but I think if it’s really important to the brother and he has no one else, then it is right to go-if you love your brother. A one year old will have no understanding of a birthday so it’s not like she’d feel let down-and there is already a planned party for the adults. Missing a baby class? Bit irritating but not something you’ll be thinking about and wishing you’d gone in a couple of years time.

AlltheFs · 15/05/2024 15:54

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 13:04

Said by the person with zero empathy and no understanding of higher education achievements.

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I work in HE and have a rather large collection of PG qualifications as it goes. I sit on the stage for about 30 graduation ceremonies a year so rather qualified to
comment actually.

FangsForTheMemory · 15/05/2024 14:20

I didn’t go to my own second graduation ceremony! I’m not big on stuff like this, mind you.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 14:14

I think the responses show it’s far from clear cut and people are probably projecting their own familial relationships, graduations and even views towards birthdays. It doesn’t make anyone right or wrong, it’s just different values and different people.

Totally agree. It's not clear cut. There's no right or wrong.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/05/2024 14:12

It’s not even about the 1st birthday for me. More of the faff of childcare and graduations must be pretty dull for the guests.

Starlight1979 · 15/05/2024 14:08

YANBU - it is your daughters first birthday, he has had FOUR other graduations
YABU - he's your brother and you don't have any other family so it would mean a lot to him you being there.

Tough one OP but on balance I would probably go....

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 14:07

I think the responses show it’s far from clear cut and people are probably projecting their own familial relationships, graduations and even views towards birthdays. It doesn’t make anyone right or wrong, it’s just different values and different people.

OP posts:
HesterRoon · 15/05/2024 14:05

I couldn’t imagine not going because your baby is one. Especially as the party is on another day. Your baby won’t have a clue but if you leave your brother alone…I think you’d regret it. It’s not a case of guilt or resentment-it’s doing something which would mean a lot to your beloved family member.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 13:53

What frustration? I’m sitting here eating a ham sandwich while DD naps. It’s mildly annoying that his graduation falls on the same day as DDs first birthday and the end of my maternity leave but it’s hardly a massive deal or anything.

That's great . You've answered your own question then.

ttcat37 · 15/05/2024 13:43

Haha that’s absolutely ridiculous, would I miss my child’s birthday a week before mat leave ending, to go to my brother’s 4th graduation? Obviously, no!
If he was especially needy like yours seems to be, he’d get a text saying “sorry can’t be there as it’s X’s birthday but congratulations. Pop over for some birthday tea afterwards!”
But sacrificing your child’s birthday for your 45 year old brother’s FOURTH graduation…..? Your priorities are very misplaced.

shearwater2 · 15/05/2024 13:36

He's 45 and it's his fourth degree? Haha fuck off. Some people didn't even go to their own first ceremony.

Your child's birthday is more important than this.

burnoutbabe · 15/05/2024 13:34

He wants family there cheering him on.

Is he actually expecting you to stand up and whoop? How will your clapping make any difference in noise over the over1000 people.

I got a big clap when all the parents clapping realised -I was their age. People Clap more for the out of ordinary. (We clapped for everyone but it was a bit half hearted after the 300th!)

So he will get claps whether you are there or not.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 13:09

I think whether or not other people would or wouldn’t want to go is beside the point. He wants to. He doesn’t want to celebrate in another way, he wants to graduate. Which is fine, but in many ways he’s very lucky it has been this year as quite honestly if I hadn’t been on maternity leave I wouldn’t have been able to go as it’s on a day I normally work. So life sometimes gets in the way.

OP posts:
curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 13:06

You don't go with someone to your own graduation.

You knew full well what I meant, with your four degrees and all.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 13:05

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 12:24

You're taking your frustration out on posters here OP.

What frustration? I’m sitting here eating a ham sandwich while DD naps. It’s mildly annoying that his graduation falls on the same day as DDs first birthday and the end of my maternity leave but it’s hardly a massive deal or anything.

It really isn’t horrifying to point out I have two children who are my family (and of course they are his but are too young to really be anywhere without me.) But in any case while this doesn’t apply to my brother it is very sinister to tell people they should put up with anything because of DNA. My brother is a troubled soul and in many ways life would be more straightforward without him. Meeting his needs and the needs of two little children AND a job that can be demanding albeit part time isn’t always easy, in all cases it is a ‘what best fits’ rather than ‘what’s the perfect solution.’

OP posts:
curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 13:04

AlltheFs · 15/05/2024 13:03

He’s been to others, he really doesn’t need to go. Only dickheads go to multiple graduations.

Show quote history

Said by the person with zero empathy and no understanding of higher education achievements.

AlltheFs · 15/05/2024 13:03

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 12:29

He has nobody else to go with!

Show quote history

He’s been to others, he really doesn’t need to go. Only dickheads go to multiple graduations.

Jinglesomeoftheway · 15/05/2024 13:01

First birthdays are celebrated for the parents sake, not the child's - they have no clue!

I'd go to the graduation personally

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 13:00

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2024 12:26

Sorry I'm not getting what's horrifying here either.

Agree.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/05/2024 12:51

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:03

Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities

Remaining on the best possible terms with your only relative is a priority …

So her brother should realise why it’s hard for her to go and be gracious about it.

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