To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

I watched my sister in law’s graduation on a live feed. Granted, hers was the only one and there were no kids/other commitments on the day to juggle, but I would prioritise your existing plans this time.

I hear you OP. I also have a high-needs sibling that has caused problems for me, starting with other kids bullying me as a child simply because I was related to him. You're allowed to have nuance in your feelings. Ignore the dramatics from others here.

I have read all of your replies. I would explain to him that, although you love him and are proud of him, the time has come that you have to prioritise your children. Offer to go out for a celebratory dinner at a time that suits you better. You have been there at other graduations. He's 45. Don't feel guilty. He may be miffed at first from what you've said , but hopefully in time he will process it and understand it from your perspective. However, I do wonder from what you've said if he could have a diagnosis of something but is undiagnosed. This might be worth exploring with him if he wishes.

I got so sad thinking of all the things I couldn’t do once maternity ended so I get where you’re coming from but I doubt most people will understand. What will you regret more missing the class or everyone being annoyed at you?

I take it you can’t do a different days class? Xx

Why can’t anyone else go? Your reason is probably as valid as theirs but you’re the only one feeling guilty? Or were you the last to be asked.

@Lola2321

Think you need to read the thread.

My brother was similar, no friends, single etc and if your sibling has special needs then it is quite normal to be responsible for them to some degree if there is no other family. My brother was probably autistic though he was undiagnosed as when we were young it wasn't. I accepted that once our parents died I would have to watch out for him. Perhaps I would have found it more difficult when my own dc were young but as my youngest is now 16 I was actually looking forward to spending more time with him. Sadly he died 2 months ago.

Why can’t anyone else go?

He doesn’t have anyone else who can go as OP has clearly said.

Why can’t anyone else go? Your reason is probably as valid as theirs but you’re the only one feeling guilty? Or were you the last to be asked.

your daughter is priority and id go to her class. It’s an important milestone for you both.

i know I'm in the minority but adult siblings need to learn that if one has their own children/family this is going to take priority.

But it sounds like he is a solitary person so why should sister have to step up all the time.

Who knows ?🤷‍♀️ the brother thing? she cares about him? she feels sorry for him? she doesn't want to feel bad?

She doesn't have to do anything tbh.

I think though if the op said -normally our parents attend but they just died" then of course she'd try and attend -or if girlfriend just dumped him.

But it sounds like he is a solitary person so why should sister have to step up all the time.

And? He’s 45, if he has not a single friend or acquaintance he can invite, that’s not OP’s fault. How long do you think she should be responsible for her older brother?

Not really about 'anyone's fault ' though is it?

It's about childhood, family and ties that bind.
And you know, caring for people's feelings.

There's no wrong answer here. It's about how OP feels about all that stuff.

And yep I've seen those sort of responsibilities stretch across people's entire lives. Because everyone has different priorities.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Only you know your family history and if YABU.

My family never turned up for stuff like this. It still hurts, even at 40.

if you have a birthday or day trip planned for 1st birthday already, then fair enough.

however a baby group over your brothers graduation when you’re his only family? It’s a no brainer - your brother.

your child has zero awareness of their birthday and as you said, can celebrate at the weekend.

Think of their relationship too. If your daughter one day wants her uncle to support her or be there for her, but he’d rather pop to the pub with Gary he knows from his local because he loves doing that more.

If someone like the DB was posting a thread about their situation I'm pretty sure people would be telling them that they need to be realistic here. That just because they only have this one person in the world that they are close to that they have to expect this person to have other priorities sometimes.

All this stuff about it being horrifying and blood running cold is ridiculous.

curiositykilledthiscat · Yesterday 12:29
AlltheFs · Yesterday 12:28

No I wouldn’t be going. Graduations are mind numbing- I work in HE.

Your baby comes first, he needs to get over himself. Is he always so selfish?

He has nobody else to go with!”

And? He’s 45, if he has not a single friend or acquaintance he can invite, that’s not OP’s fault. How long do you think she should be responsible for her older brother?

KomproMatilda · Yesterday 12:16
Surely you realised I meant outside the family you’ve made?
**
Tbh your response has made my blood run cold. Don’t go if you so clearly despise him

KomproMatilda · Yesterday 12:26
This:

He’s not my only relative. I have a husband and two children. I am his only relative.
**
is horrifying. As if you’re a being from some infinitely superior planet

Bizarre responses. A younger sister wants to put her child before her incredibly needy, 45 year old sibling. A perfectly normal priority.

She has already supported this grown man at two graduations. To expect his sister to prioritise him over her own child is incredibly selfish.

Sorry but I think missing the baby event to go to your brother's graduation would be fine and so would missing the graduation to go to the baby event! I think you have to pick what's more important to you.

Given the demographics of MN, I suspect most people commenting will be graduates. More than a few of us have been eligible to attend multiple ceremonies and stopped bothering after the first or second.

I've only graduated once myself but they can be pretty dull. My FIL who has had a few said the later ones felt a bit like conveyor belts.

I am a graduate and I think academic achievement is very important, to the person who is graduating. However expecting other people to go to expense, inconvenience their children and their PIL and go out of their way to acknowledge something you’ve already done 3 times previously strikes me as self indulgent and I wouldn’t put any of my siblings in this position.

Yes I am a graduate. Tbh the graduation ceremony was more for my parents than me, I wasn’t that fussed.

I have 5 qualifications that I was eligible to attend a graduation for. I went to 2. I don’t know anyone that would have gone to all.

I work in HE and sit on the stage for graduations at my HEI many, many times a year. Most students attend their u/g ceremony. Very few attend for postgrads, with the exception of PhD’s. They are just a money making exercise.

It is a completely twattish thing for a grown adult to prioritise their 4th graduation over their niece’s birthday.

I wonder if the people encouraging the OP not to go haven’t been graduates themselves? I can’t imagine how it feels to have no family or partner or friend at the ceremony you’ve worked so hard for. It’s a big day for the graduate, whether it’s the first or fourth time, one you never forget. There’s not much of a relationship with me and my only sibling, but I would hate the thought of him graduating with nobody there for him other than his mates from his course.

But OP's feelings and wishes are important too. SHE wants to be with her dd and stick to her plans. Isn't that important too?

I would prioritise yourself and dd this time.

He's 45!! It's his 4th graduation!! You already had plans, which you would have to change...

Talk to him. Explain why you can't come. Say you'll celebrate with him another time.

(Does he ever do things for you and/or for your dc??)