Page 9 | AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

Bettercallsaul2024 · 2024-05-13T10:42:54+00:00

I expect I am being unreasonable but since becoming a mum I have gone off men. I had always adored men but now I see an incompetence I can’t get past. My husband is an ICU consultant - can handle huge pressure and stress but can’t be trusted to pack a fucking bag for a day to the zoo. He can handle the resuscitation of a child but can’t cope when OUR child has a tantrum. (I too am a hospital doctor so feel like I can make the comparison, and I do appreciate the workload of his job). He would never cope being up all night with our ill child yet can do nightshifts in ICU - I don’t get it?! and it’s not ‘just’ him. I now see it everywhere. All the men in my family, though lovely, have so much less expected of them. Seen as great dads when they take the kids swimming despite the women doing all the parenting the rest of the week plus having a job/career. sometimes I say to my mum - how are men able to organise complex things like war when they can’t do the sainsburys food shop without ringing their partner at least twice. She reasons that it’s because men usually only have one task to focus on at a time and so can do it well - behind the scenes women are doing EVERYTHING else. I find myself unattracted to my husband but also all men really. At the park I see dads standing on their phones, getting cross and stressed when their kids are upset after a grazed knee. It’s so ugly to me! I KNOW I am being unreasonable. But do others feel this way? I know not ALL men. It just so happens it’s ALL men I’ve ever interacted with YABU: this is a DH thing. Men are just as wonderful as women YANBU: men wouldn’t last one day as mothers

PontiacFirebird · 14/05/2024 12:33

I have never actually “parented” with a man as was a lone parent and I am quite glad really. I did everything myself but there was no resentment. And lots of the so called Blue jobs were quite fun. I decorated a whole house, did tiling, put up shelves, grew veggies, painted the shed. Never had a power washer but I’m dying to get one as it looks like fun! ( Vaccuming is very boring..)
The hard part was being the only adult for night wakings, school drop off/ pick up, sick days, having to cook every meal etc, but clearly a lot of married women are in that position which is obviously infuriating.
Current DP is pretty considerate and looks after me but won’t live with him because the minute you live with them the domestic sphere becomes yours. And I have more interesting things to do.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/05/2024 12:08

@BeadedCorset

Out of curiosity, any particular reason you tolerated this?

I didn’t tolerate it for very long. I left and then divorced him.

Penguinfeet24 · 14/05/2024 12:08

Oh yes. I have said if husband and I ever break up that is it for me, no more men as I just don't see them the same way anymore. I love my husband dearly but he has ADHD and it has taken the best part of a decade for us to find a way that works and that is still a work in progress. I think for me its the fact that we are expected to know things but if they don't know them its ok to just avoid it or not do it. We don't have that option and nor would I want it, not knowing is not an excuse for incompetence - learn!! Ohh don't start me off 😂

AuroraAnimal · 14/05/2024 12:05

The lengths that some women will go to, to justify their own ill treatment to themselves and actually be complicit in and defend it is amazing

I think you're confusing me with others on the thread @BeadedCorset. I've been with dh for 20 years, we have a wonderful, loving, equal and very happy marriage. So sorry to disappoint because clearly, happy marriages don't go down well on such threads - but no, me stating that dh does all the 'dirty' and 'heavy' jobs and that I don't consider these to be easy doesn't mean that I'm being ill treated 😂

Esmereldapawpatrol · 14/05/2024 12:02

YANBU
My DH is great and does loads but there is plenty he just doesn't see, the 'mental load'.
I am going away on a holiday with friends soon (first since having kids 12 years ago) and will be away for 5 nights. The longest he will have ever had to parent solo and he will totally manage without bothering me as he wants me to have the rest and a good time but I can't wait to see how he finds it!

BeadedCorset · 14/05/2024 11:55

AuroraAnimal · 14/05/2024 11:33

and pressure washing is easier than hoovering

😂😂😂😂
I think you've just given yourself away that you're fibbing and have never actually pressure washed anything in your life. I don't believe for a second that anyone who's actually pressure washed a large area would say it's easier than hoovering 😂. It's the equivalent of saying sanding and refinishing a table is easier than wiping it over - totally ludicrous.

And yes, I know there may be 20 posts now from people saying THEY find hoovering harder just because that's the tone of this thread and people want to be contrary - but as far as I'm concerned you can save your breath, I don't believe you so dont @ me with that nonsense 😁

The lengths that some women will go to, to justify their own ill treatment to themselves and actually be complicit in and defend it is amazing.

BeadedCorset · 14/05/2024 11:53

littlestarlittlemoon · 14/05/2024 01:29

But why do you collaborate with him in this farce? Why don't you just leave your phone in another room and just ignore it all?
Your behaviour seems more puzzling to me than his if I'm honest.

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Moreover, it seems perfectly obvious to me he was trying to absent himself from the large amounts of housework, kitchen work, and managing of children that would typically happen on Christmas Day.

It would be amusing if it wasn’t so pathetic and disgusting.

The juxtaposition of your genuineness and desire to think well of him, and his desire to pull the wool over your eyes and shirk all the family work and dump it all on you on such a big day is really quite sad.

I really don’t know how you restrained yourself from clobbering him with the cabbage.

A Dr who can’t tell the difference between a cabbage and a cauliflower indeed! What a load of codswallop. And then does 40 minutes round trips and still can’t correct the problem? What kind of lunacy is that!
He’s really insulting your intelligence. It’s so ridiculous all of it.

I’d be more likely to believe he’s having a stroke then take any of this at face value. It’s unbelievable in every sense of the word.

Clearly he knew he could get away with it - if you’ll believe that, you’ll believe anything. (It’s like that classic line “do you believe me or your lying eyes?” - complete divestment of your senses and information processing abilities)

It’s really beautiful you trust him so unreservedly, but please do use some critical thinking and common sense regarding that, you need to look out for yourself.

Sobersally · 14/05/2024 11:40

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree! I am struggling in my relationship atm as I just can’t get past the differences in the parenting ‘workload’ between myself and DP - even bringing it up as an issue to discuss with him irritates me that I have to initiate that chat as he is oblivious! Yes he might do school run but I’m the one who’s got the DC ready, given them breakfast, packed lunchboxes, planned what they need for the day etc whilst he just drops them off - I could go on!

he will do things if I ask but - why should I have to ask?! Again mental workload is too often not shared equally

AuroraAnimal · 14/05/2024 11:33

and pressure washing is easier than hoovering

😂😂😂😂
I think you've just given yourself away that you're fibbing and have never actually pressure washed anything in your life. I don't believe for a second that anyone who's actually pressure washed a large area would say it's easier than hoovering 😂. It's the equivalent of saying sanding and refinishing a table is easier than wiping it over - totally ludicrous.

And yes, I know there may be 20 posts now from people saying THEY find hoovering harder just because that's the tone of this thread and people want to be contrary - but as far as I'm concerned you can save your breath, I don't believe you so dont @ me with that nonsense 😁

BeadedCorset · 14/05/2024 11:12

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/05/2024 07:47

I know lots of quite good and involved dads, but they are nearly all a bit shit in some ways, especially mental load stuff

Completly this. Most of the “hands on” dads I know have their “area of competence” in the home. There is their “dad thing”, whether it’s taking the kids swimming or getting school bags ready or whatever it may be. What most of them, even the very “progressive” ones (Look at me! I’m a hands on dad!) is to embed the idea that the whole holistic job of childcare is as much their problem as the woman’s.

My ex prided himself on being an “involved dad” and he was indeed very involved with the specific little niches he carved out for himself which included preparing baby food and buying clothes. Everything else fell to me including the identification of all the needs and the prompt to him to do them. He never expected to have to think and anticipate for himself. So if he took her to the playground and forgot to pack water for her it would be my fault for not reminding him, even if I was miles away at work.

And almost every sentence he uttered to began with the phrase: “You need to….”. Followed by another perceived childcare shortcoming he had identified.

For some men being a “hands on dad” is just another opportunity to control and order around their partner and create more work for her.

Out of curiosity, any particular reason you tolerated this?

The water bottle thing is completely barmy and doesn’t make any sense!

I think this would make me furious and drive me nearly to violence.

GerbilsForever24 · 14/05/2024 09:09

AuroraAnimal · 14/05/2024 00:51

I do all that stuff myself now. I'll let you into a secret- it's easy! They just made it look hard to big up their teeny weeny contribution

I wouldn't call all the dirty/manual jobs easy at all.

Dh is very much the bins/DIY/gardens person here (that's not all he does but all of that is his job and i'm more than happy to leave him to it). He's spent hours and hours over the last few weeks just on the outside...mowing, raking, repainting the fences, pressure washing everything thats gone green over a really crappy winter, scraping weeds, repairing our BBQ, taking stuff to the tip, unpacking our garden furniture, planting flowers, putting up a new washing line, resealing some windows etc etc.

It's been backbreaking and constant and (except the flowers which was just a nice to have) it all needed doing desperately. Definitely not a 'teeny weeny' contribution in our world.

I honestly don't get this. DH does all this stuff too and yes, I am super grateful as I don't want to do it, nor do I have time to do it. But at the end of the day, he does all this and I feel no guilt because this is a few weeks a year and needs to be done and I am busy doing the 50000 other tasks that need doing regularly.

this "oh, he pressure washed the patio so he's totally equal" thing is such BS. It's good he's doing it, but 9/10 he's doing it while the woman is cooking dinner when on the other 364 days of the year he's watching football while she's cooking dinner.

We get our behaviour policed by the public in a way they never do though. Men don't get unsolicited comments telling them what they're doing wrong

One thng I'll say about this - DH was a SAHD 15 years ago and my god, the poor man had the full gamut from gushing, "oh, your wife is so lucky and you're so amazing" which just made him roll his eyes and mutter about whether anyone had said the same to the 50 women he could see at any given moment with similarly small babies to endless interfering to tell him DS was cold/hungry/tired or he was doing the bottle wrong or offering tips for nappy changes - none of which I got.

FOJN · 14/05/2024 08:51

Revelatio · 14/05/2024 07:26

@FOJN

Agreed, lifting a binbag into a bin, power washing the patio (this is my job as I absolutely love it!!), doing a bit of gardening and going to the tip isn’t exactly backbreaking work!!

Maybe this is another reason why our relationship doesn’t feel like anything people are describing here. As well as sharing housework and childcare, we also both take the bins out if we see it’s full, both do DIY, and both do gardening (mostly me with the gardening as I enjoy it and gives me a good excuse to be outside).

Slight derail...... I've just purchased the karcher patio cleaner attachment and it eliminates all of the splash back mess which usually accompanies pressure washing the patio. As a bonus there are two extension pieces which means you don't have to bend over either.

sleepyscientist · 14/05/2024 08:29

I think it's because they don't organise it they just give the orders sort to speak e.g. the crash trolly is stocked for him or the general says attack X which just happens. I love my DH to bits and he does a lot with DS but things like packing is left to me or we will get there without something........which wouldn't bother him!

He also doesn't cope with tantrums as they don't bother him as much so he just lets it run its course. He also has more of a level head in a crisis I need to try and fix it he can see it play out a lot further ahead.

Thisbastardcomputer · 14/05/2024 08:05

Most of them can't multitask and most women can. In our office the men could never find anything, in the stationery cupboard or if a filed item needed to be dug out, but the box would be clearly marked with it contents listed. We used to send them back in, with the instruction, stop having a 'man's look'.

It generally worked.

ichifanny · 14/05/2024 07:48

Great post it’s spot on … my husband tried this nonsense when we had our first child but I pushed back and told him I wasn’t his mother . I just leave him to do the same things I do and over the years he’s pretty much equal to me in terms of what we do in the house , we both work similar shift patterns so things are ALMOST equal , I still take on more of the mental energy tasks but like you say women tend to do that .

I think it’s weaponised incompetence from a lot of men and a lot of women martyr themselves and act like no one can cope without them , when they need to step away and let things go to chaos and the man pick it up sometimes .

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/05/2024 07:47

I know lots of quite good and involved dads, but they are nearly all a bit shit in some ways, especially mental load stuff

Completly this. Most of the “hands on” dads I know have their “area of competence” in the home. There is their “dad thing”, whether it’s taking the kids swimming or getting school bags ready or whatever it may be. What most of them, even the very “progressive” ones (Look at me! I’m a hands on dad!) is to embed the idea that the whole holistic job of childcare is as much their problem as the woman’s.

My ex prided himself on being an “involved dad” and he was indeed very involved with the specific little niches he carved out for himself which included preparing baby food and buying clothes. Everything else fell to me including the identification of all the needs and the prompt to him to do them. He never expected to have to think and anticipate for himself. So if he took her to the playground and forgot to pack water for her it would be my fault for not reminding him, even if I was miles away at work.

And almost every sentence he uttered to began with the phrase: “You need to….”. Followed by another perceived childcare shortcoming he had identified.

For some men being a “hands on dad” is just another opportunity to control and order around their partner and create more work for her.

CypressSunflower · 14/05/2024 07:43

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 13/05/2024 21:56

Oh God me too. I won't be getting empty next syndrome!!
My Dh was doing a job in the garden last week and kept saying can you get me this, can you get me that. I said sure and when l am cooking dinner l will call you in to get me a saucepan, a wooden spoon etc. Looked at me like l was mad but fucks sake get stuff yourself. But l mean obviously he works 1 more day a week than mr so is FAR more important!

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Oh yes!! This too. I ignore it now. I have developed selective deafness.

Hateam · 14/05/2024 07:40

I'm not blaming women for the awful.behaviour of many men

But women have to take some responsibility for their choices.

If the men talked about on this thread are as catastrophically inept as is being claimed (and I'm perfectly prepared to believe they are) there would have been signs before marrying him and having children.

Spelunk · 14/05/2024 07:37

I had an argument with my DH recently because I looked after DC while he went abroad for the week. He didn’t understand why I expected him to be grateful - after all they’re my own children so why shouldn’t I look after them? He just couldn’t see that I was doing him a favour, because parenting is 50/50 so I was doing his share as well as my own, and if I didn’t do his share then he wouldn’t have been able to go.

CypressSunflower · 14/05/2024 07:36

Bettercallsaul2024 · 13/05/2024 18:58

My favourite musicians were men, favourite actors/directors were men, favourite comedians were men etc etc.

I suppose part of that is they weren’t busy at home with the kids they had time to write great songs/material, Spielberg wasn’t worrying about being away from home for extended periods whilst the kids had upcoming important school exams etc etc

It does make you wonder how much more women could have achieved in all areas of society if they had more support

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You are so right and look at what we are already achieving now just having a teensy bit of a chance!! May be that’s why we are struggling to get true equality - because deep down they know we could do it all and do it better?

CypressSunflower · 14/05/2024 07:28

Hateam · 14/05/2024 06:11

More fool women for staying with these men.

Oh. Believe me I’m not unconditionally staying. It’s changing at the moment and I have a clear agreement with him that it’s his role and he’s doing more now. Yesterday he didn’t and I’m baffled as to why but I’ll see what the week brings. But he is now doing the mental load and I tell you what I’m so much less stressed. It’s taken 11 years of difficult conversations and me breaking down in tears and telling him that I’m not staying if it doesn’t change though.

Hateam · 14/05/2024 07:27

Mumoftwo1316 · 14/05/2024 07:01

I have a weekly cleaner, it's not ground breaking. We take out our food waste and nappies daily but she takes out the general waste (nothing gross in there) and recycling.

If we needed to we could have her twice a week without breaking the bank.

And yes, I absolutely could pay a gardener to do most of the jobs on that list above, in fact I have done in the past.

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Not many people live like that.

Revelatio · 14/05/2024 07:26

@FOJN

Agreed, lifting a binbag into a bin, power washing the patio (this is my job as I absolutely love it!!), doing a bit of gardening and going to the tip isn’t exactly backbreaking work!!

Maybe this is another reason why our relationship doesn’t feel like anything people are describing here. As well as sharing housework and childcare, we also both take the bins out if we see it’s full, both do DIY, and both do gardening (mostly me with the gardening as I enjoy it and gives me a good excuse to be outside).

ontheflighttosingapore · 14/05/2024 07:24

can't stand men full stop

Igmum · 14/05/2024 07:23

YADNBU. And yes, it is REALLY unattractive