AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

I have to completely agree. They have no patience with children whatsoever, and if things go to plan and it can feel like having an additional child!!

Start making him do things. Sit down and talk with him about how you refuse to be a single married mom. Nip it in the bud now. And if that doesn't work, you can try counseling and see if a professional can make him see the light. Until that time though, I would not have any more children with him. And if a heart to heart and professional help don't work, get rid of the whole man. It is easier to be a single working mom with one kid than a single married mom with several kids.

I also think it is largely down to just doing one thing at once. My DH wouldn't even try to cope with the humdrum everyday tasks involved in raising children, but was very good at special days out or swimming. Now we are alone again he's taken on more of the household stuff, but only specific things: loading and unloading the dishwasher (but not putting anything except plates or cutlery away), vacuuming (but not under or behind anything, or skirtings).
If he's going out and offers to pick up some shopping for me I have to do an exact detailed list or he will come back with something completely off the wall.

It's literally all men. My husband can take apart a any electrical device like computers, take celling lights out to fix them back together. Build a summerhouse a climbing frame ect. But can't look after the kids for a day or do the dishes or empty out the bins when he is at home. He only cooks but never cleans after himself.

We are both teachers he teaches secondary computer science while I teach in EYFS primary school. He just has to deal with cheeky behaviour of the kids that adore him. While I'm expected to handle 4-5 year olds tantrums, change nappies, teach kids who have lazy parents how to toilet train! Teach multiple lessons like maths English topic and phonics on top of all that I'm expected to teach 4-5 year olds how to read on a lower salary WTF!???

Women are built stronger I cook clean go to work prepare the kids for school read with the when they are back with a high temperature and on antibiotics. While he has the man flu lying down gaming in the sofa lol.

I had a C section and was left to care for the baby while he was sleeping on the foldable mattress in hospital. So sorry I'm pretty sure I was cut open and stapled back together to have our child and you must be so tired after just holding my hand 👏😂🤷🤦
You are not being unreasonable I think when women look at the bigger picture men are just an extra head ache to deal with like having a extra child to look after. We all prefer a pet cat/dog at least the pet will appreciate you and not complain

I totally agree.
I'm always saying how dh does almost everything (you know that advert with the "magic basket".and "magic table"? DH is usually the magic basket.)
But we go out for the day and he can't work out how to pack the bag for lunch and what to put in it for 3 people.

It's utterly bizarre.

But they arrange wars very badly, on the whole . What’s that saying ‘No plan survives first contact with the enemy’ ? It’s repeated endlessly, proudly, by generals and War ministers. They don’t seem to think for a minute ‘So does that mean we are BAD PLANNERS? ‘. Nope, that’s just how war is…..

Hear hear! There are a couple of strategically-incompetent-with-admin senior men in my organisation.. I assume it is no coincidence that one of them's wife left him as soon as the kids were finished with school.

Oh God the huffing and drama when a man does DIY( or builds flat pack furniture)
DP built a flat pack desk for me and was outraged when he had almost finished and was missing one part… I would have counted the pieces against the instructions before I began like my dad always told me 😬See also being lost and asking directions.. !

It was me who posted the words in bold and I stand by them. I am blissfully single these days and mow my own lawn, take out the bins, keep a pretty big garden under control (until divorce is complete when we will relocate to smaller garden), do the weeding, raking, planting, tip runs and some basic DIY. I also pressure wash the patio and I enjoy it, I'd love to do more DIY but need to skill up. I also do it more quickly and with less huffing then STBEXH did.

Well, it's just so satisfying isn't it? I also like mowing the lawn.

Think I might start a ‘Ladies who love to pressure wash group’. Looks like we would have a lot of members!!

I think lots of people in this thread like to exaggerate . Hubby was divorced from his ex and had the kids a half the time , took them to school etc , all the same jobs she did or more since she is not exactly a caring mother and very self centered .
Now I agree I have most of the mental load and hubby has the more physical jobs .But shouldn’t all couple have strengths and weaknesses ? I’m more academic so anything relating to financial , children or future stuff or paper stuff tends to be dealt by me . In fact I think most women I know are considerably more intelligent and capable in that sense and better decision makers than men anyway so personally I wouldn’t like to pass on that mental load as I need my say in it . So it’s only logical he gets the jobs I don’t like , in our case bins ( and yes it’s annoying job as we are half a mile from the bins so it’s a pain to take them. In the car ) , doing the dishes and folding the kids clothes , dressing by the kids and any car cleaning . We share most if the others although I cook more often because I’m not keen on his cooking.
I honestly don’t think men are not capable , they just choose or don’t need to do them . They are indeed more opportunistic than women in my experience but list of women here seem to enable that too . Just give them a kick up the arse and let them fail until they learn

Having just purchased a pressure washer, compared to hoovering it is;

• far less mundane
• far more fun
• totally satisfying
• novel
• not the weekly grind
• much easier for people to notice and go ‘oooo look what you’ve done!’

They are not comparable.

My old dad was great around the house. Always did his bit. He had his problems, don't get me wrong but laziness wasn't one of them.

Well, you can imagine the shock I got when I started to meet men and found out just what idle bastards they can be!

@BeadedCorset
I am surprised how many women of my generation still do all the traditional mother/housewife role PLUS work full or part time. With fathering children having so much less impact on the man's day-to-day life.
My parent's generation my Mum stayed home and wasn't expected to work AND do 99% of the raising of children & running the household. My Dad did bins, washing-up, mowing the lawn, hoovering and that's about it. Much, much less than if he lived alone.
I thought this model would be dead once (specially professional women) stated going to Uni in equal numbers to men.
Instead we got house price inflation and women doing everything.

I was married, planning to have children fairly soon, but could see how I would end up, so I bailed and did it my way.
It's tough, but for me it would have been much tougher having to struggle and live with another adult in the home who wasn't struggling at all and got all the reward without all the hard grind.
I can put the bins out once a week, takes probably 120 seconds a week, and mowing the lawn takes me about 20 mins about 8 times a year (very dry where I am so it stops growing by July). So a lot of those 'blue' jobs are very quick and don't require mental load/planning etc.

Still think it's a shame, I don't hate men and can see the appeal, but I have observed often that once they have their feet under the table they slowly take their foot of the gas too. Kudos to all those women out there and on this thread who do have equal partners.

I am in desperate need of a wife like you, if ever you’re single again, look me up! 😄

I thought this was pretty much uncommon in straight women, it feels good to be understood and not thought strange or not very nice in some way.

I’m pleased you made it work and had your child regardless, I don’t imagine you were worse off as a single parent than heterosexual couples… as you say, the husband is often the biggest demanding the most care and catering to and kowtowing.

Just goes to show how strong and effective this society’s indoctrination and pressure to conform is… sadly was born to such a mother who only had children to fit in I think. Some of these people shouldn’t ever have children anyway, they’re entirely unsuitable, just get the snip for goodness sake! I’m sure the crime rate, children in care, troubled adults in prison, would drop dramatically.

I think it's about practice. Mine does all the food shopping. He regularly packs the kids bags. He deals with tantrums calmly (but I definitely did the research on this one so he learned a lot from watching me do it). He had a regular one or two days with the kids each week once I went back to work so he had to learn this stuff. I think the problem is with men who think these tasks are women's jobs really, often because they've got a frightfully important full time job, and so don't bother to learn how to do them properly.

Honestly men are full of shit when it comes to how hard something is.

Ain't that the truth 😂

LOL you're rather upset that a woman would find pressure washing easier than hoovering.

Did your husband tell you that pressure washing was the equivalent of sanding and refinishing a table? I've done that too and it's nothing like it, sanding and refinishing furniture actually requires skill.

Have you ever pressure washed anything? It's just a high pressure hose, no big effort involved.

The hardest DIY job I ever did was lay a patio, shifting and manoeuvring slabs is hard work but it's not difficult. Patio still going strong after about 20 years.

Honestly men are full of shit when it comes to how hard something is.

A woman I work likes to say: "Those videos/instructions on planes to sort your own oxygen mask out before you help children/other people? Those are for women because men would ALWAYS help themselves first before they help anyone else."

She's nailed it.

Current DP is pretty considerate and looks after me but won’t live with him because the minute you live with them the domestic sphere becomes yours. And I have more interesting things to do
@PontiacFirebird my take on this is that the man in this situation (even if unconsciously) is in 'appease and placate' mode because he hopes that if he plays his cards right you will reconsider and want to live together

I've finally left my husband recently because of shit like this. The man runs a multi-million pound business but can't sort our kid's dinner out? Despite best efforts on my part (although no one had to teach me to be a decent parent and human, so...), he still knows nothing about our DC's health, interests, wellbeing needs, education, hobbies, friends, clothing and shoe sizes, preferred/hated foods etc.

I found articles on the 'walkaway wife syndrome' really hit home for me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited

I’m fully convinced men do the jobs they want to do. Where as us women totally enjoy cleaning the toilet. 🙄

@AuroraAnimal

Omg, I would definitely pick pressure washing over hoovering. One takes a few hours a few times a year, you get the immense satisfaction of seeing your patio transform, and you get to be outside on a sunny day. Hoovering is mundane, have to lug it about up and down stairs, takes a couple of hours every bloody week!

It’s been a revelation that people have said their husbands do it in here. Within my friends and my neighbours it always seems to be the woman doing it. I honestly don’t see how it is back breakingly hard work in the least, I love it, I’m never giving that chore up!!