AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

True as do some men, but there are some things that there are a right way to do. Anyone with a job knows that. If you do something the wrong way or it makes someone have to fix what you’ve done because you chose to half-arse it because you either think it doesn’t matter and the consequences are not worth it or just want to get it done, you would likely be demoted or fired.

A Russian bot?
No i have a differing opinion to the one on this thread which is populated by the usual windbags.😂

Are you a Russian bot or just trying to sound like one?

Are you serious?

Men organise and plan at their jobs! To build, grow, and run a successful business/company involves organising and planning. Very few careers don’t involve these things. Heck, everyday life for almost everyone on the planet involves organising and planning of some kind regardless of gender. How do you get yourself up? How do you get to work? How about meeting up with friends? Going to events? Does a woman organise and plan such things for you or are you an adult and get yourself there?

Even children/ teens organise and plan, especially if they come from families where both parents work long hours.

Organising and planning are skills the majority of people have to learn or use so no, women aren’t naturally better.

The problem is that some women just like to complain and aren't happy if their partner isn't following their expectations for managing the household and children.

👏👏👏👏

I know! Right? These poor men. Bless ‘em. We should give them a break. Like those poor poor slave owners having to give up their slaves and employ people. It’s such a hard adaptation. Women should be grateful they aren’t fighting this terrible situation harder and getting us back at home, waiting for them, with a full face of make up and a hot dinner.

I'm not so sure. I think a lot of it is women assume they know best and it's their way only. I've known men to kniw nothing about babies and small children but left to their own devices they're fine, having fun with their dc.
Step back OP, let him deal with your poorly dc next time, as yoy say he's a Dr!

Do you think women intrinsically “care” about housework? No of course they do not. Outside of influencers and people with nothing else to do no one is “interested” in housework for its own sake.

It needs to be done to a reasonable standard to allow people to maintain a healthy and efficient lifestyle. How would you do your job if you could never find clothes to wear because things are not organised properly? How can your children have food to eat which is nutritious and safe? Has none of this ever occurred to you?

Your post is so respresentative of the arrogance of privilege. You assume that keeping the house in an adequately clean and organised state that you and your family can function happens by osmosis because a woman is doing it for you. You presumably need this work to be done and would complain if you couldn’t find shirts for work or a clean plate to eat off or if your toilet bowl hadn’t been cleaned for months. But you “don’t care”. Good for you, how freewheeling and liberated you are. Just leave it to the woman in your life to have to do the caring.

This is why women leave.

Yes totally and utterly 100 percent agree !

a man is expected to go out work hard we normally do, and yet come home and get told off for not organising a bag properly

😅😅😅
I go out, earn double my dhs income, come home, play with the kids and can pack a sodding bag.

How shit is it that after everything else morhers do they then are cornered into line managing their childrens father who CBA or doesnt think "it matters" that their child has water / sunscreen / coat etc. Because he himself isnt thirsty / doesnt burn / isnt cold???

Well you’re wrong, people pointing that out aren’t shooting you down.

a man is expected to go out work hard we normally do, and yet come home and get told off for not organising a bag properly

You have noticed that women are expected to go out work hard, and still be responsible for home and kids, without even anybody giving us instructions how to pack a bag?

I don't think it's all men (my husband isn't like it), but it does seem like a lot of them, and I agree that I do find it very unattractive. I always have though, even before I had children. I've been wary of selfishness in men - maybe because I've never thought of myself as someone who is stronger than most, that I can cope with more, that I'm happy to take on the load for someone else. I'm capable, but I've always known that I would resent the hell out of anyone who expected that from me, and it very much informed who I dated when I was younger and is one of the reasons I love my husband - because I trust him to be competent, considerate and an equal partner domestically.

I just can't help but judge men like that as being "lesser than" they ought to be. That their empathy, love and consideration of others must be somehow fundamentally impaired in a way. I always think that if they really loved their wives and their children as much as they loved themselves, they would behave differently. I'm not sure if it's fair to those men, but that's just how I see things.

I don't think I could tolerate any weaponised incompetence. Disdain and resentment would probably eventually replace any feelings of love.

I'm probably gonna be shot down for saying this, but I'll say it regardless. Women are naturally better at organising, planning and running a household - I mean for centuries the world worked liked this, it's only in the last 75 yrs or so, a man is expected to go out work hard we normally do, and yet come home and get told off for not organising a bag properly or not folding a towel properly...I mean seriously?

Sorry that this is your experience. However, I don't recognise it at all. My DH is the opposite of everything you describe. So was my late father.

Agree about weaponised incompetence, and some partners liking the opposite; martyr and control too.
But I'm ridiculously lucky in that he'll just get through boring every day shit like laundry, beds and shopping. In fairness I do money and most of mental load, but for the amount he does I think we're pretty equal.
Key point is it has to start early / day1

He did not say that at all. How awful to ask if he doesn’t care about his own children.

My exH moved out when my DDs were 6 & 5. I realised in the months following his departure that literally nothing had changed. At all. I had been doing everything…the only difference was I didn’t have someone telling me I was rubbish at doing everything.

Well actually men are often quite incompetent at work too, I had to send a patient back to one consultant 6 times because he didn't believe there was a 30mm sinus in my patients foot because he couldn't find it. I had to actually go with the patient to show him where it was and he was quite pissed off when I showed him because he thought I had undermined him in some invisible way - I am always polite 😂
Podiatrist of 43 years. This wouldn't be the first time or the 100th time.
I've had three husbands all worse than the last, I can't be bothered with them now.

When I wanted my tubes clipped after four children we were interviewed by a (male) consultand who satisfied himself that I didn't want more children but then told my husband that he shouldn't have a vasectomy in case he wanted more children if I died!

I agree. And this might be anecdotal, but its often the men who at social gatherings say, "oh, I'd quite like another but DW says no". Not always (and I'll always feel sorry for the man who wasn't convinced, eventually got talked round, and landed up with twins! )

Chicken and egg this one. Is it that the KIND of man who's willing to take parental leave is also willing to be proactive and competent with domestic tasks, or does the parental leave force them to learn and force the mums to trust them?

They do want children, most just don't want to take care of children.

Many want the acknowledgment and prestige, the legacy (child must have his last name), the fun bits while expecting and wanting the woman to do everything else because to them it is so easy that it’s not worth them doing it.

Studies have shown and proven that parenthood benefit men more than women. Men with children are seen as stable, reliable, and more likely to get raises and promotions while for women it does the exact opposite to their careers. Men that take off work to take care of ill children are seen in higher regard while women are not and even judged harsher by some because many still view parenting as a woman’s job.

I think shared leave really makes a difference.

My DH was a SAHD due to redundancy for 12 months, so was home with a 2 & 3 year old whilst I worked full time.
After this he became much more competent and now he's very good with the kids.

When he was full time working & I was either on mat leave or part time I did everything. Even his Saturdays with the kids didn't prepare him for full time at home lol.

He still has his moments when he fanny's around & I get 3 of us ready & bags packed to go out but generally he's very good.
He also takes a lot of the mental load for the kids now too.