AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

The bit about the grazed knee makes it scary that men are now routinely being given 50:50

The majority are indeed like this. My husband, thank fuck, is not. Whilst trying not to sound smug, I feel bloody lucky because most men I see are irritatingly incompetent at looking after their kids and all associated tasks. DH works, does his ‘chores’, is hands on with the kids and a partner in the mental load. He is not perfect, the kids don’t really listen to him, but I’m short tempered so we both have our failings.

We shared parental leave and he was a stay at home dad so he is actually great at handling the grazed knees etc and he does more of the getting ready for school runs in the morning than I do.

But for the life of me I can't work out why I am the only one who remembers when they have PE or need to pay for a class trip or when they have homework due. He says he's just not 'good at that stuff'. I've accepted the mental load now as it seems inevitable, and on the plus side he dpesn't mind me delegating bits to him peacemeal. Plus side of being the organiser is I can choose which bits to keep/ delegate I suppose!

YANBU. Could of written this post myself. Since having a child it's like I've lost all respect for men.
I'm sure they have their uses but certainly doesn't feel like it in the midst of motherhood.
Especially reading a lot of threads on here like this resonate with me so much!!

Sadly true.

if I see a kid messing about or behaving badly in a cafe it’s usually with a dad (ignoring it).

there are some pros in that dads can be less uptight for want of a better word so let the kids be more adventurous but time and place would be good

Is it the case that he wouldn’t pack a bag for the zoo exactly as you would?

I learnt quite early on with our twins that my DH would do things differently and that isn’t necessarily wrong, just his way. Obv there’s a limit if essentials are forgotten or if they’re doing something dangerous or neglectful. But I think too many mums want things done their way and there has to be compromise.

I might have been the same if I’d had one baby, I saw it all the time, the mum setting up the routine and the dad having to follow it to the letter. The fact I had two at once meant I had to unclench a bit and accept his way of doing things as well.

I went back to work when they were 9 months, DH did four long days at work and had every Wednesday off with them. He coped fine, even managed to get to some baby groups. They’re early 20s now.

100% this! Women fought so hard for equality, the right to vote, the right to education, the right to work…. But in reality all we have done in the long term is double our workload, double the cost of living, lose time with our babies and ease the financial and emotional load of men (In my humble opinion!)

I know they're not all like this. I know it. My own sons are capable and competent adults and true partners. But I kicked their dad out, leaving me to bring up five kids as a single mother, because of his seeming inability to do anything apart from get himself up and out to work. I got so sick of coming home to find kids in overfull nappies lurching around the kitchen holding knives while he watched TV with the sound turned up louder so as not to have to hear them fighting or arguing or screaming.

YANBU

My husband is a fabulous parent, he’s been better with the kids than me I’ll be honest. However I used to find myself saying I was “lucky” - and then would check myself. No I wasn’t lucky he is their dad and should be able to parent equally.

I used to notice it at work etc I had to work the odd Saturday a lot of the women I worked with’s partners were phoning up to ask her what to put the kids in, what was for lunch, etc.

Yep. My husband is the most wonderful partner and friend, but his ineptitude is shocking. I am getting snippier and snippier at him. And he tries his best. His best is poor to fair.
I feel awful saying it because he is amazing in many other ways.

YANBU. I absolutely agree and I would say I’m married to one of the ‘good ones’. I think I first felt this way when pregnant, working full time and growing a human. It was as if my reality (and even my views on the feminist movement and the idea women can ‘have it all’) shifted. I think your mum hit the nail on the head.

I hear you. I’m fucking jealous of my husbands life, the one I’ve created for him. I’m turning into a man hater. I’m now massively out earning him but carrying the mental load and running our family. On top of caring for elderly parents.

On Friday night I saw a female couple, so in love and happy at a gig. Then saw another female couple grocery shopping Saturday, properly sharing the grocery shopping load and honestly felt envious. I want a wife, I want a “me”. I’m not gay but I’m raging internally about the injustice and inequality of working parents.

I know lots of quite good and involved dads, but they are nearly all a bit shit in some ways, especially mental load stuff. I know a couple of dads who do do the everyday mum stuff (eg organising play dates and parties, buying the clothes, etc.) and tend to be ones where the mum hasn't been able to be primary parent all the time, so the dad has done more and it turned out that it's not just innate mum talent.

I think this is true and I think that that too often the expectations for men are low, and they are socialised to think it's okay to be shit, so unless they're FORCED to step up/improve, they dont.

DH is still fairly useless at the mental load. But he has stepped up in a lot of other ways but it took a lot of effort and angst, on BOTH of our parts. And frankly, it only really happened because I am the main breadwinner. And this fight wasn't just between him and I - I have lost count how many times we have BOTH asked his mother and sister to contact HIM not me regarding, for example, extended family birthdays, additional childcare etc. And yes, he's often a bit shit so they come to me. But he and I are both 100% clear that' son HIM to solve, not me. And yet, they still keep coming back to me. I nearly passed out in shock when he told me the other day that he's picking up his nephews from school next week as this is the first time this activity has been organised without his sister contacting ME first. His oldest nephew is 9..... So maybe we are finally making progress?!

Oh, definitely - for context, DP and I are both women and she gave birth to our children. The reason we really noticed the gatekeeping was because (a) we didn't have any gendered assumptions about what our respective parenting roles should be, but also (b) we were really keen to make sure our parenting was equal. DP noticed herself instinctively wanting to gatekeep some things and not wanting to 'share' the first baby, so we had to work quite hard to make sure we got it right for everyone, knowing that our end goal was 50:50 parenting. It took loads of work, but I suspect some people think it came naturally because we're both mums! The straight couples falling into very gendered roles probably just weren't very attuned to it as it's the norm.

This is why I have some - very limited! - sympathy for the crap dads in threads where mums complain about things like the dad saying he can't get the child to settle to sleep or whatever, and other posters will come on and say 'of course he can, he just hasn't tried/doesn't want to!'. That's true, but if he hasn't been allowed and encouraged to from an early stage, it probably really is much harder, especially if the mum made all the early decisions about how to do it.

Completely agree.
What pisses me off the most currently... All the articles about lower birth rates. Blaming women earning more, 'freedom', etc. loads of serious analysis as to the erm 'very complex reasons' behind this 'sweeping demographic change:.

Written by men.

Any woman would think the reasons obvious.

I don’t recognise this with men I know.

They are just as parent-competent as the women, and do their fair share of it all.

Men, like women, are all different.😗

Hmm, to be fair, my husband and I are doing SPL, however he hasn't taken his part yet. So there is a bit of what OP is describing before he's done that.

We're the only couple of our antenatal group, and some of the other women now regret that they're not doing SPL, even if only a month or two.

My husband has been mostly great at taking over almost all domestic work and regularly looks after the baby alone, but it's a different ball game to being responsible all day every day with a child. The day to day planning of knowing that unless you wash this, prep that, pack the other etc, whilst the baby is asleep/happy playing/not hungry before you need to do the next thing is nothing like doing individual jobs or care here and there.

I agree that the gatekeeping can be counterproductive but I also think it's done on impulse/instinct and part of a normal urge to defend your own territory.

Agreed.

In fairness I think that was what I did in prep for holidays with my kids and my now ex . It’s hard not to be resentful.

Yes you can “delegate” some of that - but there is nearly as much mental load in that.

I do get that some women including myself are guilty of taking it all on and then complaining if it’s not done right / to the same standard. I wouldn’t have said gate keeping though at all. I’d have been effing delighted if my ex had said - I’ve booked a holiday, organised kids clothes etc etc

This!

I absolutely agree about women "gatekeeping" maternity leave and then once a pattern is established it's hard to go back. It's almost like it's a reward for doing all the hard yards, which I do understand.

I am planning on taking 6mo maternity and my husband 6mo SPL for our next child. I am definitely scared of becoming default parent and really hope that him being in sole charge for an extended period of time makes him carry some of the long term mental load. I'd love a year away from work, but I think this will make me happier in the long run

@HaggisBurger regarding the mental load.

One of my friends was describing her recent holiday with two under-5s and DH.

She had researched the options, booked the accommodation, organised dog care, liaised with childcare re: absence, ensured everyone had the right clothes, packed for all the kids (clothes, toys, pram, medicines, bedding - you know the drill), done a Tesco pre-order to collect, liaised with accommodation re: arrival etc, researched activities and booked some, researched restaurant and booked some etc. Then for the journey she had go snacks, drinks, suitable toys, pre-loaded an iPad with their preferred programmes etc.

Her DH packed and then drove the car.

He didn't see the difference in input. Also - ignoring that the non-driving person might still be doing active parenting for the car journey.

And that's before they had even got there!

I think it generous to assume these men are just incompetent. To my mind the truth is they simply don't want to do those tasks. They seem them as women's work and beneath them, because they also see women (including their partners) as beneath them.
Otherwise, how do you explain that some
men manage?
Problem is, you don't know which type you have until you are juggling a job and a child. All men are great partners as long as life only consists of you both working and going on holiday.

I don’t think it’s a man/woman thing. My husband would be better than me at all the things you listed. I regularly forget to pack something, or ring when at the supermarket and I cope terribly with broken sleep.

But I lead a team at work, got promoted very quickly and make business decisions all day long, very competently. I also look after all of our savings, spending and investments. I’m just better suited to more academic tasks and problem solving than planning. But that’s fine because we’re a team who play to our strengths at home.

No - but the bar is amazingly low vs for women.

I remember a close family member marvelling to me how impressive it was that DH changed our baby's nappy - congratulated for... providing basic care to their own child?

I am also always amazed at the conversations I hear among friends re: things like feeding, with their husbands having given their three year old an Ella's pouch for lunch, or a bag of crisps. Or calling them at work to ask what to give them for their tea.