AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

I know what you mean about the birthday party invites & RSVPs! DH usually arranges DD’s party as it coincides with a very busy time at work for me, but we put both our numbers on the invites, and it’s always me who gets the RSVP messages, and the messages are always from the other mums.

I'm no expert in neurodiversity but if the overwhelm is too much, they could still go to a nice calm room and do meal planning/online food shop/RSPV playdates/organise birthday presents/dental appointments etc etc.

If home is their relaxing place (lucky them) they could do this on their lunch break or something.

Loads can be done behind the scenes.

We don't (yet?) have kids, but I experienced this last week when our dog was extremely ill, he almost died. There was this one night which was really the worst and we thought he wouldn't make it (vomiting blood, going all cold, barely able to move and very much in pain), the vet said that he'll be fine if he'll pull through the night (he was right).
We both hat no idea how to help him. I was running around measuring fever, filling and refilling hot water bottles, wiping up shit und massaging his stomach, while my DH just sat there with bambi eyes waiting for me to tell him what to do - in exact detail, because how should he know otherwise. Then he fell asleep on the couch.
I am still so pissed thinking back about that night, if having children with a man is like this then I'm opting out.

I really really don’t want to be that person who mention’s neurodiversity BUT I’ve actually noticed this more with men who have very senior professional jobs. They’re able to focus on extremely complicated things that they have control over but children is not that. The noise, the overstimulation, the lack of control -
irs too much. They also see home as rest and tap out.

Whereas I have met some sahd and part time dads who aren’t like this as much.

I would also say that parenting is just rough. I feel angry a lot!

This is the key. Complete responsibility for the baby for significant periods of time, including overnights, at early stages. And no learned helplessness.

Have you read Invisible Women by Caroline Perez? It is everything you have described in your first paragraph and a good read!

The dads I know are all pretty good, to be honest, even though I said upthread that they were slightly shit. They all look after the kids on their own, share major parenting decisions, do their share of cooking and bedtimes etc. They'd probably count as 'hands-on' (!) for the purposes of this thread. What makes me think they are just a little bit shit is mainly mental load stuff, but also just a general lack of initiative - the things they don't do, they most likely haven't even noticed they're a thing - or they assume that their wives particularly enjoy doing them. Tiny, unimportant things that might not even need doing - but I notice only when I see one dad doing them and then realise that none of the others do. For example, there have been about a dozen birthday parties in my son's nursery class and only once has a dad ever been the main contact for RSVPs - noticing how surprised I was made me realise how much of a mum job that is - along with organising play dates, having other parents' contact details etc.

No no no - am sorry i grew up in a house with my mother the Martyr ( She still is) running around like a blue arse fly doing everything while my father sat in the living room controlling the TV. Yes he worked away all week, only coming home at weekends some times but he not a stupid incompetent man, he is well able to do things without being promoted , but because its not done her way she has to shove in every time and do it. Even last week, he was making tea for the grandkids and she had to shove in and take over so he just left her there. I clearly remember an older women in work telling me that in work and at home other people will do jobs differently, but you need to let it go and accept that while its not done your way its done. So i apply that now, the washing is not hung on the line like i would do it but it hung, it will still get dry, etc. We are lucky that we have a cleaner that comes every week, but day to day we both do our fair share and he cleans up after himself, prepares his lunch for work every eve ( something refused point blank to do as watched for years my mother making sandwiches at 10pm at night or getting up early with my father to make his sandwiches. My own sister is the main bread winner in her house, she travels a good bit. Its her husband who gets kids up every morning, fed and out the door every day for crèche and school, not her. Its him that arranges their bags and does their hair etc, unlike my colleague who wakes up her child on the days she in the office to do her hair as her husband seemingly cant do it ( have told her to tell him to look at YouTube ). Also like my friend who hasn't had a proper night out in 5 years as her husband seemingly cant put their children to bed. there is a combination of martyr, gatekeeping and not standing up for your self going on. Most Men are well capable of doing things. There are plenty of women not capable of doing things aswell, i know of one women who is useless that her husband has to get up every morning after doing the late shift to get kids to school, cause if he didnt she wouldn't bring them, if he didnt cook they would live on takeaways

Slight tangent but this is one of the reasons I think paternity leave should be (at least partly) shared or changed so that men have more use it or lose it at the end. My husband used to have to ask what he should feed the baby, what he should take for a day out etc. Which i dont think was hugely unreasonable as I was breastfeeding and always with or around the baby, I was the default parent at that time. But it's easy for those habits to become engrained if you don't both try very hard to change them. After a few weeks on paternity leave he would just tell me what naps / food / adventures they'd had without any questions.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Why does he think he can't pack a bag. Why isn't he doing anything to sort it, like making a list and asking you as a one off to check it? If its because he knows you'll check the bag so that nothings missing, why is it assumed that its your responsibility to be the 'organiser of the bag'. Does he not realise this adds up when you're also organiser of the appointments / batch cooking / clothes buying / etc etc etc all the million little things that seem insignificant but add up to a huge bundle of resentment. In my opinion you have to split tasks (eg one of you is in charge of uniform the other clothes) snd then grit your teeth and look the other way when it's done but not how you'd do it (although obviously not if it's done to a shit standard)

My DH is generally extremely 'hands on' (am aware that 'hands on mum' is not a thing....). Gets loads of praise for basic functions like putting on a wash. He cannot for the life of him multi-task or prioritise though - I genuinely think he just can't. I still carry the mental load of what actually needs to be done, even though he will execute whatever I tell him to do. (E.g. he will do a shop but can't do the meal plan first...). I still get kids up, fed and dressed before I leave for work at 7.30 on my office days. I also wipe the kitchen surfaces to 'make it nice for him' for some unknown reason.

Add to this the constant pressure women also feel to look good, eat well, exercise, have a beautiful home....it can make my blood boil. And don't even get me started on the impact of hormonal fluctuations which men don't have to deal with - imagine feeling the same everyday of the month?! I would get so much more shit done if I didn't have PMT or periods. Rant over.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, it’s true! Men are congratulated for doing the absolute bare minimum whilst women are doing all of the unpaid work behind the scenes. I know this is not ALL men before someone comments on this but it is the vast majority of them. I’m gay and I’m thankful everyday that I don’t have to put up with the absolute shit show that my friends and people on here have to put up with due to their incompetent husbands and partners.

The dads I know (my DH, BIL, DF etc) are more than capable of packing a bag for a day trip/nursery etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying lots of men don’t duck out of this stuff but there are plenty who are more than capable and willing. I think partly it’s about understanding that if you’re not the one doing it, you’re not going to have control over exactly how it’s done. What I mean is, if I ask DH to get DS bag ready, he may not pack the hat/bottle/snack that I’d have chosen and that doesn’t mean he’s done it “wrong” IYSWIM. I think sometimes the whole gatekeeper thing can do everyone a disservice.

Oh yes, this is a real thing. And it ruins attraction.

I've got a husband who gets external praise for "helping". He has areas he looks after 100% like kids sports clubs and his washing and I often get told I'm "lucky". But his effort and contribution is minuscule compared to what I do.

And with perimenopause the sheer bloody injustice of it winds me up. I can't tolerate or look past it anymore. Last week I went away with work for three days, came back and no washing up (or cooking) had taken place. (We have a primary school child at home so you should be feeding them twice a day!) And then expected me to cook them sausages at 8pm "because you do it so much better than me" after I'd done a five hour journey (I wasn't eating the sausages). Massive ick. I was looking forward to a hump that night as I'd been away but instantly didn't feel like it after being treated like his mummy.

My husband is objectively a great guy with many talents. Yet, he chooses passivity in the domestic sphere and his friendships/relationships. I don't even think he thinks it's my/the woman's role/duty - it's just easier to let me step up every time.

I just want an equal partner or recognition for my contribution.

You realise there are lots of gay men who can manage their life perfectly well.

This bullshit myth that men can’t is utter nonsense. They can but they don’t want to and can’t be arsed because they have a woman to do it for them. They can just abdicate responsibility.

I get sick of women going ‘oh he can’t work a washing machine blah blah’ of course the fucking can, he can drive a fucking car!!

I’m with you OP. I just find straight men so pathetic a lot of the time. My gay male friends are totally different.

Omg yes! I love my husband dearly but also want to strangle him most days.

I went away this weekend, worked my butt off to have the house tidy, washing basket empty everything ready to help him (and made me feel better that i wouldnt have to come back to a shit tip) my husband would never think to do anything like that for me mostly because he doesnt do any of it.

He did say he doesnt know how i do it all (a lot of lists and coffee and nervous breakdowns) but would never think to help me or take over something

Gay male couples raise kids and manage the parenting practicalities and mental load. So it must just be laziness, low bar and selfish expectations for hetero dads.

I think you are extrapolating your husband's skills as a doctor to what a nurse may do. As someone who regularly works with medical students in a maternity ward, they make it clear that they expect to do doctoring which they see as doing examinations, surgery, procedures, and making clinical decisions. Not nursing sick but stable patients. That's women's/nurse's work.

In fact the only medical students willing to hold a hand, change a nappy, or empty a catheter are always from working class backgrounds and nearly always female.

Totally agree op. It's weaponized incompetence and the shit way our society views mums vs dads.
I met DH in same career, in fact I was better paid and qualified but since having DD I seemed to have turned into his PA, house manager, cook and cleaner. I work PT but as I do compressed hours and have less annual leave, we work about the same over a year. The amount of comments I get about him being a hands on dad is unbelievable, being in the presence of your child is the absolute minimum of parenting ffs.
What I did was sit DH down recently and tell him I refused to have DD raised like this. And I fucking meant it. He also reflected on his own upbringing where his parents worked full time but his mum did everything. Then he got it.
Now we have weekly meetings about who does what, a weekly rota of jobs/life admin etc. I will shut down anyone who makes any comments in future. My in laws were the worst.
My friend who has married a woman says they don't have these issues, but a lot of heterosexual couples do. Funny that.

While I was still with my children's dad and he was working away (he'd work away for two weeks, come home for a weekend and then off again), he rang me to say he was being given private health care as part of a work package. He then had to ask me FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN'S BIRTH DATES so he could put them on the health care. He was fucking THERE WHEN THEY CAME OUT! But remembering that was, apparently, beyond him.

It made me, as you can probably tell, quite cross.

I think so much of it is down to expectations from a societal point and even family. For example my OH saw his dad working very hard and his mum taking care of him and his siblings a majority of the time - so he thought mums are best for their children - he is super close to his mum which is interesting. And despite us as a society preaching about how forward we are, the reality is mat leave is a year and paternity is only a few weeks.

Whilst some men will roll their sleeves up and get on with it, I think many still view this as a woman’s job and almost not wanting to over step the mark. I’m not saying this is an excuse - if it is, it’s a stupid one - but this is what I witnessed. I know some single dads - and they pick up the slack and do an amazing job when forced - but it seems some men need to be reminded that they can help out too.

None of the men in my family are heavily involved in childcare. I’m lucky that my OH has always been just as domestic as me and we both have careers, so he is great at doing the cooking etc, he actually contributed his through to what should be in a hospital bag and is good with check lists - but when the baby came it’s as if he forgot that we are both learning and kept looking to me for all of the answers. It’s like he forgot that he has the skills to be a parent.

I, as the mum, need to remember to share the load too. When the baby cries and he has just been fed, my OH would say “he needs his mum, they have a special bond with you” and I’ve had to say “no, he is used to me. He needs his dad too” - a lot of it is inbuilt beliefs.

I agree with the PPs that say to solve this you have to have an in-depth conversation and actually share the load - of you have a guy that might have embedded beliefs.

This is not to excuse men at all but are we surprised when society is organised to place women as less deserving than? Less deserving of equal pay, less deserving of pain relief, less deserving of recognition for work in the home and in the work place, less deserving of safety, less deserving of equal access to outside space (there's a study of gender usage of playgrounds and the boys command a bigger square footage of space and the girls get the outside edges). To fight against that societal set up is pretty big. Why would men want to close the gap? And why wouldn't women feel resentment?

Also - on a bit of a tangent about language again think about how many words we have for the female counterpart relationship - his bird, ball and chain, trouble and strife, her indoors and on and on. Now try think of alternative words for the male counterpart...I find this stuff fascinating!

Indeed. It's not really any sort of excuse/explanation.

They know how to do all those things, they just don't want to, so they either don't do it or do it badly so they won't get asked/told to again.

Some men become useless because they are allowed to be.

^

Nothing more unappealing than having to parent a man

We have similar in my house.

I ‘joke’ we have my jobs, and our jobs. He can sit and chill in front of the TV if I’m cooking, but if he’s got a task I must ‘help’.

He also has on occasion rung me with an instruction to run an errand for him, like I’m his secretary. ‘Can you go into town and collect X from Y’. A prolonged pause is sufficient for him to rethink if this was a good idea.

It makes me think about what my children see day-to-day now to inform their future behaviour!