To offer to clean for my adult daughter

@headinabook

I honestly wish I could get on top of things but it's the procrastination that does me in

I haven't had friends over to my flat in years because of it, it does become overwhelming and you are completely aware

Even today I have had to hide things in another room as I have to let the dog walker in

If this was aimed at me I was just saying that my mum acted like that, nothing at all to do with how the Op is presenting

Not sure why the quotation marks I was merely offering my experience as someone with ADHD

I wouldn’t recommend any selling of stuff unless you are going to take it away and deal with that for her. Even if you list it for her she won’t be able to package and post it.

As @anythinginapinch says also if she’d let you then helping her to declutter is massive and would help with keeping it clean. I’d always buying new clothes I bet she has nowhere to put stuff. Maybe wash some stuff, put it on vinted with her and put that money towards a regular cleaner?

Some decent storage (can be labelled with a simple label maker) would help, nothing fancy just get down to IKEA or dunelm. I imagine she’s drowning in things, if she doesn’t clean then she certainly doesn’t declutter. Watch bbc sort your life out, plenty of people get into a right state but with help and understanding can transform their living spaces and hopefully live less stressful lives.

As someone with adhd I also think having a place for important objects is important. I have a spot for my engagement ring and purse and make a huge effort to only put them down in those specific spots.

I have adhd and often wonder how many of the families on bbc sort your life out do too.

I’d say do it. Be non judgemental. Get it to a suitable state then get her to get a cleaner at least once every two weeks to keep it at an acceptable level. It’s money well spent for her, how she’s living must be affecting her mental health. Tread carefully but you sound like a lovely and caring mum.

Support her to see if she wants to get an adhd assessment, waiting times are long. And read about ADHD and RSD as she might be a bit sensitive when her messiness is raised

Watching. I'm in a similar situation with an adult daughter who lives a long way away and whose house is like a landfill site, and I've offered to spend a few days putting it in order. It's likely to end up back in the same state, but if she accepts I like the idea of encouraging her to invest in a couple of hours of cleaning a week.

I don't think I gave her too hard a time about the state of her room as a child, and she was always grateful when DH and I cleaned and tidied it, but recollections may vary so I won't push the matter too hard.

She'll probably be expending all her efforts on work and keeping that on track. That's why home has got too much and because she wfh it has increased.

I think it would be better if you paid for someone to do a full clean, then arranged for weekly help going forward.

I'm lolz at the comments about trying to clean little and often - it's never going to happen now your daughter has reached this stage. She might not be cleaning but I'm guessing she's thinking about it non stop and telling herself tomorrow is the day she's going to tackle it.

I'd give her a call and say you'd like to help out and get her back to a cleaner house. Tell her you're sorry about how you used to ask her to tidy and clean and say you have been learning more about adhd. Tell her she can choose if she wants to do it together or if you do it. Doing a task with another person is really helpful for adhd and often bypasses the executive dysfunction. There are lots of storage ideas for adhd on TikTok which can set her up for success - and maybe suggest a declutter so it's easier in future.

It's lovely you want to help out, it's coming from a pure place - it'll be difficult for your daughter to accept help but in the end she'll see it's come from a place of care and love.

I really don’t think op is going to act “horrified”, she understands what the problem is and wishes to help in whatever best way is needed. There’s no need for her to even once reference the extent or magnitude of the problem

I agree with this

I have ADHD and I really struggled to stay on top of things, sometimes it's all overwhelming and you just need some assistance and strategies when your mind is full

My mum once unexpectedly stayed at my flat and was absolutely horrified at the state of it

May I suggest weekly cleaner who is also willing to do tidying/putting away/ laundry folding and putting away etc. Not all will do this and it requires extra training but I think it would be helpful here

The Organised Mum Method is great - in each room you set a timer for say, 30 minutes and clean as much as you can then move on. Instead of extreme overwhelm when thinking of the entire house, it is broken up into small manageable tasks 🧼

Suicide in adhd people is v much higher than NT people - adhd it IS serious. How patronising and ignorant of you.

In my experience Your DD would love you to do this for her. And help her find better systems for managing, and a declutter. Yes she'll have deep shame about her inability to do xx and your (understandable) responses to her growing up will be a large part of that. But ask her forgiveness. You did not know. You made her ashamed of herself. You regret it. You want to support her now.
Also try and forgive yourself- you did the best you could with the information available to you at the time, out of love.

We love tidiness and order but cannot achieve it.

I suggest OP you post this question in the adhd section to get a better range of responses.

I strongly advise against just going in there and cleaning without her knowing. She probably lives in “organised chaos” where despite the utter chaos, she roughly has a system for everything. She would probably find it distressing if you went through all her stuff without her knowing. Could you turn up unannounced and go through everything together? Have a long chat with her about possibly ADHD diagnosis, her overwhelm and any other issues?

🙄 the root of the issue is her adhd, no amount of psychological support or strategies is going to change this as it sounds like quite a significant level of adhd.

I was diagnosed as a adult and I also would be told I was lazy and crap at keeping my room a mess, I would say it would possibly be she has adhd ,not just traits. There is a massive amount of shame and guilt around adhd. I would definitely speak to her and about going for a diagnosis and then if she chooses to medicate , they can help , like it has me. My mum has helped in past but we have spoke about it. I think going in there without talking about adhd and just offering to help, it would be like ur criticizing and that will just make her feel worse about the state of the house.

Could you afford to pay for private psychological support to get to the route of the issue and help her develop strategies? I think I'd have a chat, apologise for how you've approached things in the past, recognise your mistakes and offer some options for support. Then respect whatever she decides.

It is likely that she will take serious offence because of the situation with her room as a teen.

I am severely disabled and recently hosted my family for christmas. My mum offered to clean and I was genuinely really upset largely because as a teen she was constantly criticising me for not having a clean bedroom or being smart enough etc.

My son helped me clean and I know with him it comes from a supportive place so
It doesn't affect me so much.

If this was a bone of contention when she was a teen, probably best not to.