To offer to clean for my adult daughter

Unless there is feaces, wet nappies, animal poop, rotting food or it's so overcrowded by a dangerous hoard keep out of it.

This is a thread from last year.

My daughter is in her 30's and her house is a disgrace she has kids and I feel like I am banging my head off a brick wall she just doesn't see the filth and everytime I try to say something she gives in a mood I am at my wits end with it

Would it be better if her sister talked with her, explained that this is not how people normally live and perhaps suggest that she asks you for help or gets some paid help ?

Please offer. As an adult with ADHD I REALLY would love it if someone did this for me with no judgement.

As some diagnosed late with asd and adhd and I grew up with a mum with OCD. Please take things slow, phone calls dropping hints you want to go and see her. Maybe go down the I need a change of scenery route? You'd love a shipping trip and day out with your DD. Offer to cook for her and this gives you access to the kitchen, you could clean a few bits and pop them away. Have a bath (you don't need to have one just run one and clean the bathroom a little) again tidy a few things and slowly see how your DD reacts. Do not go in their and push through everything and turn her world upside down! I got in a really good routine when my first DC was born but if something pops up that doesn't normally I'm all out of sorts that day lol for example I have to clean all upstairs before downstairs as upstairs then becomes out of sight! Once she picks up in her own routine she will fly through the cleaning! A big one for me is stop buying clothes as it just makes more washing lol

Op do not under any circumstances listen to anyone telling you not to offer to help your child with the cleaning. This post ive quoted is absolutely awful. If your daughter does or doesn't have adhd isn't the sole point of the issue here, being in a clear space can only help someone it won't set them back, it's how to approach the subject that might cause upset.@K37529 gave good advice about a soft approach to the subject.

I think you have a conversation first along the lines of

"I'm really sorry for the way I handled you struggling with tidying as a teenager because I wish I'd had a better understanding of your ADHD and how to help you access these things in a way that worked for you.
I know it's something you're struggling with at the moment and I want to help you. I'd like to come and help you blitz through each room, sort everything out so that you can stay on top of it, or arrange a cleaner. I understand now how difficult this is and want to make sure you know that this is coming from a place of love"

I would be pleased and grateful if my mum offered to help me reset my house back to a good standard. I disagree with pp who said to do it while she is out the way- I wouldn't like someone to be in my house seeing all the mess without me there, I'm happier to work alongside someone especially if they take the lead and help keep me motivated. I struggle with this myself, no diagnosis but I believe myself to be ND

I have ADHD. If my mother came into my house and cleaned uninvited I would never see or speak to her again.

She is an adult. You have to talk to her

I think it’s a brilliant idea but you need to find a way of doing it with her out of the way. Speaking from experience, she’ll find the process very overwhelming. You might have to do more than cleaning, she sounds like she needs some organising too.

I have adhd - infact I also have adhd hoarding. What helps me is I have a lady come in a few times a week to have a tidy and help me keep on top of things.

after therapy what I have realised is I know it’s sounds bizarre but since we have executive functions problems our brains don’t know how to start / sort things. I now consciously have to imagine what I would do to clean the kitchen - the steps - and take myself through in my head what I need to do.

by all means help her get on top of things but a long term plan would mean regular assistance

It you’re not the same. The OP hasn’t ‘butted in’ at all. Yet her daughter is still living in chaos. Thats opposite of your experience. Might that indicate that isn’t working? Seriously, you of all people should understand that what works for you might not work for others. In the same way I’ve said what works in my situation. The OP needs to try something that isn’t already being done. Thats quite obvious.

As a person with ASD, I would absolutely not appreciate you wading into my personal space and doing whatever you want with it. My own mother had the same views and it ruined our relationship which only now is getting back on track. And guess what, I learned to look after my space eventually when she did stop butting in. Yes, it took longer than it would have taken others and it is still not perfect.
I am not an infant and my ASD is not an excuse to infantilise me. Invading someone's space without their consent if abusive, unless is person is underaged or lacks capacity.

I would not just turn up and start cleaning and clearing. It's a massive invasion and there is a good chance it will go badly. You are clearly coming from a place of good and she will probably already feel ashamed and attachment to her things.

My mum paid for a professional decluttering for me. A lovely lady spent two days with me, one for upstairs and one for downstairs. Got rid of lots of stuff and she showed me much better ways to store and organise, with labels on everything. I then got a cleaner to help keep on top of things after. It wasn't a magic fix, I am still chaotic and can't have a single bare surface without dumping and stuff on it. But things are much better and I have had the ability to do more clear outs since. Thanks mum!

If she works from home full time does she need to be 200 miles away? Or still needs to be able to pop to the office?

Either way, blitzing the place and working on coping strategies sounds like the best plan of action. Would your DD2 come with you? Not the most fun girls weekend but there's no reason not to go out for a nice meal in the evenings?

If she has sufficient funds for a cleaner, then I'd start with coping with clutter management and clothing. If the house is clear, a cleaner can work quickly and efficiently.

I can't comment on ADHD specifically but having systems for clothes [once clean] can be useful. And a seasonal clean, box and store routine of winter/summer clothes helps to save space and cut down on stuff going everywhere. The same for a spare room wardrobe for party/work clothes. A system that works for her,

Relief ?

none of us know how she’ll feel or how she’ll react, but as a mother of a daughter with ASD and ADHD sometimes you just have to wade in. So I would. And I will continue too.

How would you feel if someone turned up at your house to do things "regardless of how you felt about it"? In order to do things in the person's best interest, they need to be deemed to lack capacity to make their own decisions. It's her house and, while, she could use some support in requesting help, nobody should showing up and manhandling her out of the way to do the cleaning.

I agree with this. I've adhd and you have to find ways of doing things. Cleaning it for her is only a band aid. I'd suggest cleaning it with her , body doubling works incredibly well for a lot of people with adhd, there's a motivation in having someone do it with you.

Neglecting personal hygiene is classic adhd. It's not always something else triggering it. As a adhder I'm well aware of the negative effects for my phyical and mental health, doesn't make me do the things I regularly forget! Or struggle to do!

I also think weekly cleaner after the initial blitz. Ideally a cleaning company who are reliable and don’t mind doing some tidying.

I am on a waiting list for ADHD assessment (so may not have it but just to be clear it’s more than just a fancy in my head as the drs did refer me). I have never been able to keep up with cleaning and tidying. It’s a fact of my life that I always need to factor in the cost of a cleaner, and that I will find tidying before they come a big stress!

@spriots it depends on the person though. I have adhd too and I struggle with mess and organisation. I actually can follow systems though. I just can't make them up. I would love someone to come and sort everything out for me, and put systems in place so that I could manage things better. I have a cleaner, I get my ironing done, but I cannot get everything cleared up properly. I just move stuff around a bit and give up.

I have ADHD and have always struggled with mess.

I actually don't think stepping in and doing it for her is the way forward.

She needs to work out her own strategies. It takes time to do that.

I have found that there are some good resources out there - I really like Dana K White's stuff. Basically if you have these tendencies, things like Marie Kondo aren't going to work for you because she is a naturally tidy and organised person, you need the strategies of someone who isn't

Where you might be able to help is with ££. If you can afford it, I would say - I realise you have these challenges, I'd be happy to make £x available to you to help, for example for a cleaner or for a one off organiser or for therapy or private ADHD consultations

Because she has ADHD she might not take you up on it immediately, she is likely to think "what a lovely offer" and then procrastinate but if you just do it for her, it pushes the can down the road and the problems just resurface later.