To think if you save £1000 each month you’re doing very well…

Is there a savings target you have in mind?

I can understand where your husband is coming from because I'm like this. I think about every penny spent.

I went so long making everything stretch in order to live comfortably on not huge incomes.

Now a big part of the mortgage has gone (it was in two parts) we have more disposable income but really I am just saving it or throwing it at the last part of mortgage.

I need to relax a bit but it becomes so ingrained that it's hard.

Yes you save a lot but you are also more vulnerable with one main high income. And once you let go and stop checking, hundreds a month slip through your fingers.

Look at posts on here about debts racked up by overspending just a small amount each month.

Not sure what the answer is but I think you are being a bit harsh on your husband as though these concerns shouldn't touch him because he grew up with money.

Well you’re a better person than me, because if I could do something that mean my son wouldn’t have to face the challenges he does, and the rest of the family, then I would.
Anyway I’ll have to leave it there as after 2 hours sleep I’ve now got to go to work for 10 hours.

I understand what you mean OP.

Saving £1000 a month is a great achievement and good financial planning.

I would be concerned as well if I had a partner who tried to control finances like this...

He sounds tight and you should not have to ask for permission to spend money.

It is good to save but also need to have a balance in life and also be able to do pleasurable things with the money you earn.

I am careful with money (I have to be!) but I would never be able to live with someone who behaves like your husband, sounds miserable and infantilising.

Are the savings for the future care for your child? My niece is autistic with other disabilities and will never live independently and I know it's a huge concern for my sister. The father has no connection with them, not even financially (and she refuses to talk about that). That would put a completely different spin on things, as £1000/month is probably not enough if your child will eventually need residential care.
So as mentioned upthread, it's really an issue with your husband. Is he fearful of the future and therefore has focused on the financial? For you to feel guilty or fear his reaction should you buy this chicken over that one is the issue that needs discussing.

@Youdontevengohere 3 ND children and i am ND so yeah!
I know how hard it can be of course but I have never once wished my babies were "normal"

Well, if your DH earns £62k and you earn £6k from your side hustle, then you have a combined income of approx £68k which is about the amount of two average wages coming in gross, but will be less net due to taxation.

So you are pretty average/slightly below average, which will seem comfortable for someone used to being on the poverty line, but quite tight for someone used to living in relative affluence.

Your lower housing costs allow you to save more than many could in your situation. £1000 a month is good if you both have fully paid up private pensions. If either of you have little to no pension provision, then that £1000 is not really "savings" but essential future planning (and would be better off saved in an appropriate pension scheme for tax reasons).

For me a working age family income of £68k wouldn't feel comfortable - indeed we're aiming for more than that in retirement. But many,many families survive on far less.

Do you have a child with SEN? My child suffers challenges every single day due to his SEN. Challenges that make his life significantly more difficult, despite us giving everything we’ve got to support him. We get 2-3 hours sleep a night and the whole house is on its knees. We adore him, but it’s hard, for him and for the rest of the family. It’s not ‘sad’ to point that out, just factual.

Instead of wishing your child was "normal" work on seeing who they are, how they see the world and embrace it!
You talk about it like you have been dealt a shitty card and it's really quite sad to read.

I think you're doing great financially. But I sympathise with your husband because I think I channel any anxiety into finances. It really stresses me out if they feel out of control. Possibly because I grew up in a household where an unexpected car repair was a major worry etc... But actually I think it's more because it's something that I can control to an extent and it helps me feel in control of life. Maybe your husband is the same?

“Deep pockets, short arms” is what my dad would say. I get how it’s frustrating in the same way I get why people think your post is braggy. I’d swap with you any day… single mum, 2 ND kids but hey I forgot it’s all about you! You seem very self-centred @Itsmeeeeee, it could be that your DH is working his bollocks off to make you don’t need to worry about your child in later life. Just speak to him.

Yes, our main reason for paying off the mortgage was to prepare for me to be a SAHM, as my job isn't very parent-friendly (working weekends, for example). So it made it possible to afford to live on one salary.

Ther is saving and there is saving….

do have both have pensions ? Are you getting NI credits too for your state pension

have you seen the flow chart for finances that recommends so much for an immediate emergency fund, and then six months expenses ?
then locking money up in ISAs so you don’t pay tax on the interest and have longer term plans
have you got a new car fund, holiday find, Christmas fund?
it is then easier to spend as it is set aside for that purpose.

just savings are very hard to spend.

and £1000 a month is a great amount to save , well done on both of you for not wasting your money

If your mortgage is low interest, better to put savings into high interest ISA or savings. Our mortgage is 2% fixed. We're putting money into ISAS with returns of 9-15%.

If you are self employed are you saving and paying into a pension? We save a lot each month but we REALLY need to sort my husband's pension provision as he's been self employed for so long and we spent our income elsewhere. By the time we pay into his pension as someone self employed, it wipes out our savings each month.

Maybe he's thinking about that.

I also have a friend whose husband earns the best part of £2m a year. He was bought up in absolute poverty (she wasn't) and he is incredibly frugal. Think he knows it could all be taken away at any time.

It is good and we are lucky to be in a similar position to you at the moment - saving that much a month (i say at the moment as i may be a SAHM when 2nd child comes). Our house value is the same too. We paid off our mortgage in our early 30s, because it made sense to us to do with those savings. Is this something you've thought about? It wouldn't take long with that £1000 a month to pay off 70k! We paid off our £150k mortgage in only 8 years.

What are you actually asking op. Your husband is questioning you, tight, mean with money, or resentful that you don't work. Why are you not putting things in the shopping basket? This all sounds unbalanced as if he's controlling.

Why can't you work more than 5 hours. Is it just one child or 2 children, both with sn, what ages? At school with an ehcp? Or sn school? I appreciate there are issues and sometimes early pick ups etc. but still. 9-3 is 30 hours, even accounting for problems or early sn pick ups, 5 hours work only is not much.

Saving £1000 a month isn’t ‘average’ your living costs and house are cheap though. your husband earns less than me, your lifestyle is just different ( and my husband also works full time). Our mortgage went up £1k overnight in December when our rate ran out so we barely save anything but we are so fortunate as we are able to keep afloat and for that we are incredible thankful.

edited to add that you absolutely should not recievemore benefits when you already have so much spare. They should be for the people who need them. ( saw your post about wanting carers allowance increased)

Why are you acting as if you’re the only person on the planet with a child that has SEN and likely will not be independent? Nobody is saying it’s not difficult and we all know how much any parent would want differently for their child, but thousands of people in this country have children with physical disabilities and neurodiversities and they don’t have your money, and they also can’t easily do something about either situation.

I understand the point of your post originally, but I can understand why it got under some poster’s skins, and the way you were so aggressively defensive was so unnecessary and unpleasant, it’s detracted from the original purpose of the post.

I thought you were originally saying you have a nice lifestyle currently, with takeaways, occasional nights out, and so on. You're able to afford to work less to be available to care for your child. But then you say you're unhappy.

How 'controlling' is your husband, really, and how does he exercise this control? How much more do you want/need to spend to be satisfied? Can the two of you not compromise?

You've pointed out that you feel lucky to be doing so well in the current economic climate, but maybe the fact that times are tough for so many people is exactly why your husband worries about not having enough savings. Perhaps he'd like to be able to retire early or is concerned that your child will need every bit you can save. His family may have had plenty of money at least partly because they had a stricter approach to budgeting, or possibly he's instinctively worried if he doesn't feel he has the same level of security his parents had when he was young.

Neither of you is necessarily wrong.

I don't earn this amount a month let alone can ever expect to "save it"

Out of all the overt, unnecessary, braggy posts I read on mn I really don't think this is one of them at all.

I think you and your dh just have different attitudes towards spending/saving op but also that your family budget needs a bit of tweaking.

You mention saving £1k a month but then having to ask before you spend any of it...if some of it's being spent on everyday things (like nicer chickens!) then it's not really 'savings' and it sounds like your shopping budget isn't really as much as needed. If your dh has a figure of £1k stuck in his head he might be finding the drip drip out of this amount stressful.

If you have another £500pm due to come in, how about not saving this? Speak to dh, make sure he knows your original £1k will be totally ringfenced from now but that you'd like to put the £500pm towards the family everyday budget so that you can ease the pressure of the general family spends?

I think you’re getting a hard time OP and that it didn’t sound like you are bragging. People are ignoring the actual issue you’re posting about, in that your DH won’t let you spend money despite being in a good financial position.
I have a child with severe SEN too and despite us having no money worries, I’d give anything for him to be able to live a normal, independent life. I’d also love for me to not be awake with him all night again tonight (6th night in a row) knowing that I have to put in a full day at work tomorrow. People not in this situation don’t get it.

I have a little business/side hustle/hobby that I can’t commit to much but have a good friend that will oversee it so generating an extra £500 a month roughly

Just what are these 'side hustles' that I read about on MN that generate £500 pm? They seem to fit around family life perfectly and you hardly have to do fuck all.

What are they?!

Don't listen to the Debbie Downers & Negative Neds!