To think if you save £1000 each month you’re doing very well…

We save that most months, but I do still have to decide if I want to afford an expensive cut of meat or a Starbucks or a take away. Being conscious of the small things is how we can save that much.

Me and DH sometimes have different priorities and we did struggle to agree, and so we solved this by each having £500 per month in our person accounts that we are free to prioritise. So you want the chicken, cool that comes from your pot. DH wants lunch at work, that comes from his. He decides to do a DIY project earlier than planned - that comes out of his pot.

We don’t have hard and fast rules about it and often have joint account money left at the end of the month, but having an amount set aside for the purpose of spending somewhat frivolously but within budget helps us keep control on those little costs that add up over a month and gives us each a bit of freedom on spending.

I’m with your husband on this, £900-£1100 doesn’t go very far depending on the lifestyle you have. We save double that and we’re not saving enough to make me feel secure.

We have a ND preschooler who gets peopled out easily and finds high sensory environments difficult, as such, I work minimal hours. Our daughters needs also mean we’re going to be paying 14 years of school fees as our local state schools do not meet her needs, esp as she needs small class sizes and a quiet working environment.

Our savings need to cover; Christmas, holidays, birthdays, home repairs/renovations, saving towards two cars when our need replacing, general car costs (e.g MOT) savings towards my pension, school fees buffer etc.

But the pressure to provide for the family is on his shoulders. If I was him, I would worry about that.

We save more than that per month 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'll still not pay a penny more for a chicken than I have to

ffs why are people such dicks

why is it okay to express jealously so openly and nastily ONLY about money?
You don't see people sarcastically commenting "wow well done you" when people post about having a job they enjoy, or good friends, or a relationship, or have children, or have bought a house, or are going on holiday, even though many people don't have those things either.

It's not as though OP was posting complaining that she's got so much savings she's getting taxed on her interest or that her DH bought her the wrong Prada handbag, or she doesn't know how to invest her million pound inheritance.

She's asking a perfectly legitimate question - what to do when couples disagree about finances, that needs the context of their earnings to make sense. You know that if she'd posted WITHOUT any figures she'd just have lots of responses saying 'Well how much are you talking?" "What is your savings comparable to your income" "Do you have large debts like a mortgage that you should be paying off first?" "How can we answer without knowing how much you are saving?" etc. and then would be accused of drip feeding when she supplied this info!

But I'm hoping your sly little dig really helped you feel better

I voted YABU just because I think you are being unsympathetic and harsh regarding your DH's differing opinion on your finances.

You are clearly in a reasonable financial position at the moment but with just one real income and a son with SEN it is also quite risky. Savings could easily be consumed if your DH was to be out of work for a reasonable length of time and he is probably acutely aware of this! He also probably grew up with more money than you so perhaps doesn't feel as wealthy and secure as you do. I see this in a lot of relationship I know IRL where people grow up with different expectations of what their financial future will look like. If you exceed expectations then of course you are more likely to be content than someone who feels that they have fallen short of where they assumed they would be. I don't mean to be harsh but he has essentially ended up with two long term financial dependents and when comparing himself to friends and colleagues on similar wages without the dependents he will feel worse off.

You are extremely lucky to be able to save that much every month. I would think that's very unusual.

We save the same, same outstanding mortgage on a same value house (strangely). The only difference is it comes from joint earnings, and joint decisions rather than my DH telling me what to do. Nah that wouldn't happen. But yeah, you are doing well and financially are lucky.

We live on my wage of £1600/mth, DS has ASD. DH does work, self employed - but barely earns enough to cover his costs as he needs to be available for DS.

£1000 a month free to save is something I can't even imagine us ever being able to do, we end pretty much every month in our overdraft. I think we're incredibly lucky because we have no rent or mortgage to pay.

I think that neither of you are unreasonable.

I agree with you that £1000 is great and life is for the living.

But I can also sympathise with your h because he’s the breadwinner and he may be worried that with CoL etc that his career progression may slow or he’d be up for redundancy in the next round. He came from money so may have siblings or friends who save more per month, pay for luxuries that he can’t afford like private schools etc so he may feel that he’s being left behind. Comparing yourself to siblings or friends is common imho and I can see why he may want to keep up with them rather than the rest of the population.

You are financially secure, and doing well.

It would be mad to leave him over this, though.

Where are the savings going and what are they for? We save a lot but also have different types of savings, so a holiday pot, emergency, schooling and house improvements. Although we save in different ways (bonds, ISA etc) We've got a clear view on what is in each pool.

Before we started doing this my DH found it difficult as he would look at the savings account and start mentally subtracting holiday budgets or other larger expenses. Having more of a separation between all the savings has helped him to relax.

I think you need to determine whether he's being controlling or whether he's anxious around how you spend money.

He also possibly is just feeling the pressure of being the main provider, I'm not suggesting you change how much you work (I appreciate why you can't) it still might be a burden that is driving his penny pinching.

YANBU.

And IMO anyone that reads your OP and sees it as bragging needs to exercise some introspection. You can recognise you're in a fortunate financial position and still have issues that need resolving.

Tbf you’re similar to us. We save anywhere from £1000-£2000 depending on how strict we are being.

And like your husband I sometimes panic about money a bit but then suddenly bring myself back to reality that we’re in a really good position financially and whatever happens we’ll always be ok.

You are obviously very well off but I believe his panic comes from being the main provider for an entire family.
That’s a huge responsibility!

If anything happened to him of his job, then you’d all be fucked basically and he knows it.

Without sounding dramatic, there are a huge number of men suffering from MH issues and suicidal thoughts and many of it stems from being the sole provider or thinking they need to provide (its why gambling addictions are more prevalent in men too).

I think if you don’t come from money, then it’s easier to imagine your life without as much money and you know you’d cope.
Whereas he can’t see a way that any of you could cope because he’s always had money.

Do you have life insurance?
That could be one thing that eases his stress.

I’m not sure what else to suggest but it’s definitely something that needs to be dealt with.

I hate it when posts like yours are accused of bragging. Some people do earn more, have fewer kids, a cheaper mortgage or less goings out. That is just life. I wish some people would stop with the envy. If I would struggle to relate to a post I simply don't respond rather than berating the op for being out of touch!

You're basically asking why your dh us penny pinching when you save a £1000 a month. I would ask him. Perhaps he feels the pressure because it all comes from his earnings? Perhaps he's thinking more abound the long game and putting money away for your child's future? I'd talk about it you clearly find his behaviour miserly and irritating. Perhaps use the money ypu have coming in towards the nicer things that you would like to buy?

I save between £500-800 a month but that's all from my earnings as dh takes care of a lot of the monthly expenditure. As a result I consider the money I save to be ours but that goes towards holidays, birthdays, days out and I have to manage my finances inorder to put that amount away. Some months I am less strict than others but it really does depend on what I am saving for.

Why can't you work more than 5 hours. Is it just one child or 2 children, both with sn, what ages? At school with an ehcp? Or sn school? I appreciate there are issues and sometimes early pick ups etc. but still. 9-3 is 30 hours, even accounting for problems or early sn pick ups, 5 hours work only is not much.

For a multitude of reasons many carers of school age DC can’t work at all or can only work very part time. Not all DC attend school full-time or at all. Many have regular appointments/meetings. Some use the time to sleep because their DC doesn’t sleep much at night. Some use the time to do the never-ending admin related to having multiple DC with additional needs. Some use the time to do anything many working parents do when their Dc are around because they wouldn’t be able to do it with their disabled child around. Some have regular hospital admissions.

I am probably a bit like your DH - my DF was always really worried about money and very careful with what he spent and I think that attitude has really influenced me and I struggle to treat myself to anything and feel uncomfortable with what I think is unnecessary expenditure. Since kids feel like we are often overspending (partly due to other changes in circumstances as well) and I get stressed when my DP says let's do XX and I think but that costs too much and it is boring being the one who always has to say could we perhaps do the cheaper option instead as DP thinks I am really negative about stuff. I agree with doing a budget together should help as objectively I can understand I am well off but day to day if I feel like the monthly spend is getting out of hand I feel stressed.

I understand you but it's a good thing. Sounds a bit like my DH. He saves 1k a month. Sometimes more. Bonus months much more. He is generous with his money and we don't go without but he has this obsession with saving for a rainy day or so DD doesn't have such a hard life. He wants to retire early and have a passive income from interest or whatever.

He would argue over the price of a chicken.

I buy all the chickens and think nothing of it. Luckily i have my own money but I spend it all. It's good to have people like him in all honesty.

There's posts that are clear 'stealth brags', and posts that are wildly ignorant of how most of us live, but this post is neither. OP genuinely knows and appreciates she's got it good, is seeking opinion and is bothered by DP not seeing the benefits of their position enough. Ignorant or bigheaded posts always prick away at me and get me irked up. This one didn't. I think you're being unfair.

It is a lot to save

And it's pretty clear than many on here on that income would not be able to save that much

His attitude is off

Needs conversation, and a spreadsheet - what is he saving for , what are you saving for etc

I’m from a poor family and DH is from a wealthy family, think housekeeper, second home in the countryside with a few acres so not just well off actually rich. We are very comfortable but have never reached the heady heights of full time servants. His family lost their money when he was at University.

The amount you are saving as you have a young child and a mortgage is certainly decent. I have had a financial glow up since childhood and DH has had a glow down seems like you are in the same position. Overall now we are older and after life events overtook us as one of our children died it became apparent that really as long as you are not actually poor what does it matter. After that event he realised his desire for a house like the one he grew up in, it had an in and out drive was what he used to say meant nothing.

Whatever money anyone has overall it’s who is in the house whether a palace or a hovel that really counts. I get you op and wish the best for you and your family.

If your child is never going to be able to live independently (going by your posts), OP. Then actually saving £1K a month isn’t much in terms of savings - if that’s money going away for when you and your DP are unable to look after your child anymore. Costs for around the clock care are astronomical - usually eat through inheritance in a few years.

So, nicely, YABU.

My income is around £1600 per month and my rent is £975. Council tax £89, gas & leccy £78.

So yes, to me the idea of SAVING £1000 per month is a hell of a lot!