Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

YANBU I will be in this situation (as in the mother's situation) when my DC is older. He is autistic with no speech, no toilet capabilities and is unable to dress himself. Even now when we go swimming (he's 5) we go to the family area to change him or into the disabled toilets as sometimes unfortunately there will be a poo disaster which needs fixing after swimming.

If I go with him myself (which is rare as he is a big boy and I find it quite hard on my own so DH is usually there too with our youngest) it's always to the disabled or family area. I wouldn't take him into the female open area it's not fair on the women and girls in there. I feel this now when he is only 5 so yes, as a teenager I would find that even worse! She's not thinking or likely assuming that autism is her trump card. Dignity, privacy and safety of women and girls away from the gaze of men and boys is essential regardless of other factors.

But does this mean that a physically disabled man needing assistance would also be ok in the women's changing if there are no accessible facilities?

Then we don't go. Disability sometimes means not being able to do things. We don't get to disregard women's dignity and safety to counteract that.

Lack of disabled spaces doesn't mean open access to female spaces.

No opposite sexes over 7 at my gym / pool. There's a family changing room. Why isn't there a similar facility here?

Glad you phoned the manager. They need a family room.

@Dayatthebeach

"The mother could have gone to the men’s room and changed there. Why was she expecting other women to subject themselves to something she was not willing to subject herself to"

Absolutely this.

The lad is 16! Completely inappropriate!

They should've used the family change or she as a last resort should've gone into the men's.

I would rather feel uncomfortable myself in the men's rather than subjects a load of women and young girls to a 16 year old lad!

By the sound of your post OP, was he even changing? If not he could've waited outside!

It’s really simple. It has to be based on chronological age or adult males with dementia would be able to enter female changing rooms along as they had regressed to a childlike state? In order to maintain dignity for all, if disabled unisex spaces are not available, the sex of the disabled person should determine the space used, not the sex of their carer, no matter what the relationship between the carer and the person requiring care. This needs to be enshrined in law if it hasn’t been already

Exactly this. My dad developed dementia in his 70s and enjoyed swimming/exercise. He required support to get dressed, if you dont go by age, that means it is ok for me to bring him into the women's changing room as having dementia was not his fault after all and it was a cognitive impairment. Its not ok and women have the right to have spaces that are male free.

They don’t middle through in the female changing room though, that’s a hard line. If the facilitates aren’t there for them they need to take it up with management or go elsewhere, not go into the female changing room.

This comment really shows how low women and girls are in the eyes of some. It’s our job to put ourselves last to accommodate others. Women should not expect there to be a safe, respectful, dignified space for them ever, because some male may ‘need’ to enter it.

There was another choice here though, wasn’t there? The mother could have gone to the men’s room and changed there. Why was she expecting other women to subject themselves to something she was not willing to subject herself to?
Or perhaps she thought the men would be uncomfortable at her presence and object. Notice how men’s spaces and wishes are seen as inviolable but women’s are not.

In our swimming baths I explain that my grandson is ASD and they direct us to the disabled changing rooms.

Exactly. If she thinks it’s ok for random young men to see naked women they don’t know she can go and expose herself in the mens! But she wouldn’t would she because she knows it’s not right. And also in reality it’s not fair to inflict herself on the men either who will also be getting changed!

There must be a disabled toilet cubicle someone and I know that’s not ideal but if she doesn’t like that she goes to the leisure centre instead. She has options, the OP’s Dd had all her choices taken away from her and had to be naked infront of a 16yo male.

and unless he has significant learning difficulty linked to his autism I doubt mummy goes to school with him every day to change him for PE. Op- did he seem capable of dressing himself? Or was she actually dressing him?

If it’s a completely desperate situation then you shout in and use the male changing area. Not ideal but the least bad option.

why is it always the female areas that have to open up to everyone?

I don't think it's ok I think there should be a set of unisex accessible changing rooms in everywhere that offers similar facilities. There aren't though so what's a person with a disability going to do? They either muddle through best they can or they don't go and get further excluded from society

It’s not discrimination though to say he’s not allowed in the female changing room. If there’s no disabled changing facility then she should take it up with the gym, not go into the female changing room. Unbelievable that some people think this is ok.

Yanbu.
Why didn’t the mother go in the mens changing room for that matter?

Nope.
No disabled space still doesn't mean males can enter female only spaces.

YANBU

I would not regard invading women and girls privacy and dignity as a reasonable adjustment.

I’m sick of women and girls, because they are women and girls, being expected to accept being collateral damage to accommodate others.

I find it difficult to believe this happened. The mother would have received a bad response the first time she tried this. The chances of her swanning in with a teenage boy and expecting no pushback is zero. She would know by now exactly which pools had family changing areas and only use these pools, or discussed alternative options with the staff ages ago.

This. Boys over a certain age and men have to use the make changing room. If there are health reasons why they can't, the parents have to find a sports facility where family changing is available and use that - most places now seem to have something.

They don't get to take over the female changing room.

Ds is 14, he has autism amongst other disabilities and can’t change independently.

It means I have plan ahead, I have to make sure somewhere has suitable disabled facilities. I stopped taking him into female only spaces when he was about 7 both for his dignity and the dignity of others. It has also helped teach him to respect women’s boundaries.

YANBU. He shouldn’t have been in the female changing room, autism doesn’t factor here. They need to go elsewhere if the changing facilities don’t work for them at this place. Autism doesn’t mean someone isn’t capable of abusing others. It was an autistic paedophile that abused me as a child.

Doesn’t matter what she knows, males should not be in female changing rooms over the age of 8.

Again, it is never about what the male needs; that’s irrelevant.

Why didn't the mum take him into the men's changing room then?
Equality and all that? Why is it always the other way round?

She's blatantly ignoring at least one rule. I'd say he's probably not even 16 either and shouldn't be using the gym. Surely there's disabled facilities somewhere in the gym she could use?
Next time speak up the second she walks in with him. Young boys is fine, completely inappropriate for him to be in the women's and honesty it's not fair on him either.