Page 8 | Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

Kira4 · 2024-05-12T20:19:59+00:00

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup. We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education. A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid. I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot). I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x. Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Buffs · 14/05/2024 19:19

Don’t assume she doesn’t need you or love you just because she treats you badly , children act out where they feel safe. Your ex’s partner is her friend, you are her mother. Teenagers treat their friends much better than their parents. You need to grind on - be available, give her lifts , put yourself out, fill in doing the jobs no one else wants , just be there no matter what. Take the contempt, take the anger, give her love. It is early days, there is no substitute for a mother, she will come round.
I was in a similar position, my children moved countries twice while my marriage fell apart, I cannot tell you how angry my children were with me, I was their punch bag for years. My daughter is now 18 and we have come good. Hang in there.

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 19:14

takemeawayagain · 14/05/2024 19:12

I think you need one on one time with her and to do something with her that you're both going to really enjoy. It will be much easier to build a bond if there are just the two of you. I'm not sure why you're resistant to doing it, the other girls will be fine for one day without her, this is much more important IMO.

If the one day is a success then it could turn into one day a month.....and then slowly you build it up. At the moment your relationship is going nowhere and if she ends up in a different country to you then there is no way that is going to help things.

Im not resistant to it at all but spending one on one time with me doing anything is the last thing she wants and she’s told me so

OP posts:

takemeawayagain · 14/05/2024 19:12

I think you need one on one time with her and to do something with her that you're both going to really enjoy. It will be much easier to build a bond if there are just the two of you. I'm not sure why you're resistant to doing it, the other girls will be fine for one day without her, this is much more important IMO.

If the one day is a success then it could turn into one day a month.....and then slowly you build it up. At the moment your relationship is going nowhere and if she ends up in a different country to you then there is no way that is going to help things.

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 19:11

vivainsomnia · 14/05/2024 18:58

I know she had a good old moan about me to them over the summer
So what is it she is moaning about you? Can you work on this?

Kids either moan about a parent because they have more rules than the other parent. In that case, it's tough and indeed they grow out of it.

Or they do have a point about some of the behaviour of the parent and listening to their feelings and some reflections can really help rebuild the relationship. In then end, any child want the love and attention of their mum.

I like to think X and I have been on the same page the vast majority of the time but if anything, X is far more black and white about rules and disciplined as a person whereas I’m more easy going albeit highly strung so overall I’d say X is probably the ‘stricter’ but we’ve never clashed as parents.

I have regrets about how I handled things during the worst of our divorce as I discussed earlier and d and I have gone to therapy and I’ve apologized to her. I can handle d being angry at me because I feel it’s possible in time to resolve that but it’s her growing antipathy that frightens me

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OldPerson · 14/05/2024 19:06

That is messed up thinking.

Basically you want to destroy dd's relationship with gf. But you're being nasty and destructive.

The problem is the bad relationship you have with dd.

So what are you going to do to fix it?

What do you, or might you, enjoy doing with dd?
How does other daughter fit into your dynamic?
You need to work out how to create meaningful 1:1 time with your daughters.
Maybe pay lots of money to go join a conservation project for a few weeks each year? Or a holiday based around a sport of activity you can all participate in.

Once you devise a plan to rebuild your relationship with dd - get ex on board and gf - to help support and encourage dd.

But removing your dd from all the friends, her dad, the gf and putting her in a new strange environment - she'll just hate you even more.

OneFrenchEgg · 14/05/2024 18:58

You are seeing the gf as a rival when she is a support. Without the gf your relationship with your dad probably would still not be amazingly close - she'd already chosen to move out.
Let her be, be present, be friendly, be her mother not vying to do 'silly dances' with her. And fgs don't send her away because she's made a friend you are jealous of.

vivainsomnia · 14/05/2024 18:58

I know she had a good old moan about me to them over the summer
So what is it she is moaning about you? Can you work on this?

Kids either moan about a parent because they have more rules than the other parent. In that case, it's tough and indeed they grow out of it.

Or they do have a point about some of the behaviour of the parent and listening to their feelings and some reflections can really help rebuild the relationship. In then end, any child want the love and attention of their mum.

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:49

OperationPushkin · 14/05/2024 18:44

I think it's brilliant that your DD has learned Catalan and has local friends. As someone who spent part of my childhood abroad (and attended local schools), I was always a bit shocked by the expat kids who didn't want to learn the language or integrate into the community. Your DD has spent several years in Spain (3? 4?) and clearly has a strong connection to the country. She's also at the age when she is naturally starting to pull away from her parents a bit and establishing her own identity. The divorce obviously has had an impact on her emotionally, perhaps accelerating and intensifying these natural tendencies.

I can understand your feelings are hurt that she is choosing to spend time with her dad and his girlfriend. That is also 100% natural. But sending her to boarding school or moving back to the UK sooner than you had anticipated are not in her best interests IMO. Let her explore her identity. At the same time, find ways to strengthen your relationship. I know the latter may seem difficult, and she may continue to reject you emotionally as she works through her feelings about the divorce, but just keep trying. I hope that doesn't sound glib, it's not meant to.

Not glib at all. Appreciated.

Btw what a wasted opportunity for expat kids to not integrate or learn the language. D still keeps in touch with friends from France she made when she was tiny so no chance she’d ever lose touch with her Spanish community.

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MarvellousMonsters · 14/05/2024 18:48

"she’d hate the idea but I also know she’d eventually love it there."
^
Eventually. And in the mean time she'd be miserable.

Also loving how everyone is assuming ex is her dad when OP has only ever used they/them/thier....^

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:45

TheSquareMile · 14/05/2024 18:28

@Kira4

If you were able to sit down with her this weekend, over cake and coffee, for instance and were to say to her that, because she is 11, you need to start thinking about where she should go to school in the future, with a view to taking her GCSEs and her A Levels, what do you think she would say?

You could say that it's something that you need to discuss with her Dad, but that you wanted to hear her views on the matter and take them into consideration.

If you did have that conversation and asked her where she would like to go to school and whether she would prefer day or boarding, what do you think she would say at this point?

We sorted of did have that conversation last night. I wasn’t necessarily prepared for it as X initiated it with her but I’m glad now that we did. She wasn’t outright opposed to the idea of going to England and liked the thought of being close to the family etc as well as many things about the school but was also conscious of the things she’d miss here so not something she or any of us could form a firm opinion on immediately.

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OperationPushkin · 14/05/2024 18:44

I think it's brilliant that your DD has learned Catalan and has local friends. As someone who spent part of my childhood abroad (and attended local schools), I was always a bit shocked by the expat kids who didn't want to learn the language or integrate into the community. Your DD has spent several years in Spain (3? 4?) and clearly has a strong connection to the country. She's also at the age when she is naturally starting to pull away from her parents a bit and establishing her own identity. The divorce obviously has had an impact on her emotionally, perhaps accelerating and intensifying these natural tendencies.

I can understand your feelings are hurt that she is choosing to spend time with her dad and his girlfriend. That is also 100% natural. But sending her to boarding school or moving back to the UK sooner than you had anticipated are not in her best interests IMO. Let her explore her identity. At the same time, find ways to strengthen your relationship. I know the latter may seem difficult, and she may continue to reject you emotionally as she works through her feelings about the divorce, but just keep trying. I hope that doesn't sound glib, it's not meant to.

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:40

@BlondeFool its not been that simple unfortunately. For quite a while x was essentially forcing her to come to me but she resisted more and more. D1 can be x’s Achilles heel especially when he sees her upset but he’s by no means a soft touch and it’s pretty much unheard of for her to actively fight/defy him as she is over this. His family are also always in his ear guilt tripping him about d1 and I know she had a good old moan about me to them over the summer. As I said I don’t even think him forcing her will achieve what I really want which is for her to want to be with me and might even set it back further and could just damage the relationship she at least has with him right now.

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Trishthedish · 14/05/2024 18:36

Kira4 · 12/05/2024 22:55

I don’t just stay away. I see her when I can but I’m not going to break down the door of my x’s apartment every weekend and drag her out. I thought her decision to stay with x fulltime would be temporary and that she’d at least miss her sisters if not me but she is stubborn and also thinks the sun shines out of the new gf.

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And this too will pass. Boarding school is not the answer. Let her be, see her as much as she is willing, and when with her LISTEN to her. She’s trying to work out who she is, whilst the world she knew has shifted from beneath her. Sending her further away will do so much damage. Please, for her sake, don’t do it.

Ritadidsomethingbad · 14/05/2024 18:34

Jesus Christ is this a wind up?

You want it send her away because she had found stability with her dad and his GF?

How narcissistic can you get 😲

Sleepytiredyawn · 14/05/2024 18:33

It sounds like she’s settled and not wanting to move around anymore.

I can imagine it’s really hard but if she’s happy, maybe you should leave her where she is.

Not wanting to see you at the weekend, I bet that’s hard, I can imagine it’s the same for a lot of Dads. She should really try to make time for you though.

category12 · 14/05/2024 18:28

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:04

@HulaChick shes becoming more distant from me all the time and at this rate I’ll have no relationship with her in another few years when we may be in a position to relocate. I appreciate that very many here don’t feel her being in England is a solution either but I do want to something before I lose her totally and she enters her teens.

I think you're a lot more likely to lose her if you're the driver to move her away from where she is happy.

Doing something should be insisting on your contact time with her, doing nice things together, going to family therapy together, trying to rebuild the relationship and understand why it has broken down.

Not sending her away.

TheSquareMile · 14/05/2024 18:28

@Kira4

If you were able to sit down with her this weekend, over cake and coffee, for instance and were to say to her that, because she is 11, you need to start thinking about where she should go to school in the future, with a view to taking her GCSEs and her A Levels, what do you think she would say?

You could say that it's something that you need to discuss with her Dad, but that you wanted to hear her views on the matter and take them into consideration.

If you did have that conversation and asked her where she would like to go to school and whether she would prefer day or boarding, what do you think she would say at this point?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 14/05/2024 18:26

It's perfectly normal for pre-teens and teens to move away from their parents. You're overthinking this. If you were still with your ex your DD would be up in her room. Just keep taking her to her clubs. Be present in her life. I'd tell your ex that she has to come to yours for at least a couple of hours every other weekend.

Whatever you do, don't send her away to boarding school. You really will lose her then.

Polishedshoesalways · 14/05/2024 18:23

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:21

I absolutely am jealous of relationship gf currently has with d and hold my hands up to that but it’s not my primary emotion

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Gf is a temporary person, and is not invested in your child in the way you are. I would be planning the best weekends ever over the summer, you can win her over and build her trust if you want to.

BlondeFool · 14/05/2024 18:22

She's 11. Surely she doesn't get to dictate if you sees you or not. Your ex needs to drop her off to you every other weekend.

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:21

Babyboomtastic · 14/05/2024 18:17

Don't you see that it

a) makes no sense
b) is counterproductive
c) is selfish and vindictive

To send her to the UK to boarding school because you are jealous the the friendships and relationships she has here. If you cant have her, she'll have no one eh...

I absolutely am jealous of relationship gf currently has with d and hold my hands up to that but it’s not my primary emotion

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Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:19

HulaChick · 14/05/2024 18:12

@Kira4 - yes, I can understand that you're concerned about your relationship with her. Have you spoken to the girlfriend about it & her relationship with your daughter? Would you be able to ask her to subtly talk to your daughter about how important it is to stay close to her Mum, encourage her to spend time with you etc? If she's nice, she might be a good ally for you? Whatever, happens, hopefully your daughter will realise how important you are to her & will move through this.

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No I’ve never had a conversation like that with gf. Gf didn’t have a relationship with dds until dd1 decided to be there full-time so none of us (adults) had a chance to really plan or coordinate how that relationship might form.

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Babyboomtastic · 14/05/2024 18:17

Don't you see that it

a) makes no sense
b) is counterproductive
c) is selfish and vindictive

To send her to the UK to boarding school because you are jealous the the friendships and relationships she has here. If you cant have her, she'll have no one eh...

HulaChick · 14/05/2024 18:12

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 18:04

@HulaChick shes becoming more distant from me all the time and at this rate I’ll have no relationship with her in another few years when we may be in a position to relocate. I appreciate that very many here don’t feel her being in England is a solution either but I do want to something before I lose her totally and she enters her teens.

@Kira4 - yes, I can understand that you're concerned about your relationship with her. Have you spoken to the girlfriend about it & her relationship with your daughter? Would you be able to ask her to subtly talk to your daughter about how important it is to stay close to her Mum, encourage her to spend time with you etc? If she's nice, she might be a good ally for you? Whatever, happens, hopefully your daughter will realise how important you are to her & will move through this.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 14/05/2024 18:11

Just wondering how you envisage your dd agreeing to move back to England with you for boarding school, given that she only wants to live with her dad?

Also if dd refuses to come to you can you consider going to your ex’s house for eg lunch with her? Or some sort of activity which is set every weekend so you both do have time together. I think you need to do something, I agree with PP that she’s pushing boundaries because she’s so angry at you, and kids want to know they are loved - but accepting the status quo means she can see you’re not fighting for her (even if in your eyes you do still care which I understand).