Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

Please don't ever say or even think the phrase 'child free weekend'. You are a parent - you don't get to arrange your life so that you get 'child free weekends' to suit you. As a child of divorced parents, one of the most hurtful, awful things was hearing my parents negotiate for 'child free' time. Something to be aspired to. You are NEVER child free.

(My parents get plenty of it now though - and grandchild-free time - as we have a shitty relationship thanks largely to their behaviour.)

Enough people have commented on boarding school not being the right thing for your daughter now.
I wanted to share that with my own child there was a period when he was around 12 where I felt like you, that I was losing my boy. We had none of the trauma your family have had, but we had a second child so a 10 year age gap and he was feeling lost. So I booked a trip for just me and my boy, he wanted to go to New York so that’s what we did. The 5 days away just me and him improved our relationship no end and I now know that sometimes that one on one time is needed and something I would reccomend to my friends if they were struggling. It doesn’t have to be as extravagant as New York but a trip somewhere new for you and your daughter to explore.

OP

You need to put breaks on here before you fuck it all up. She's coming up to a trying age. Text her every morning, keep conversation light and airy. Don't force your opinions on what you want her to do on her. That makes it all about you.

Ask her how she is, what she's got going on in her life, ask her about any new hobbies she's picked up. Ask her about that girlfriend and how that's going. How's her dad? Pets? School? Music or bands she's into... if you do this right there are so many ways to reconnect with her. What you want to do is bulldoze her life.

She's growing. And with growth comes change. It's difficult to accept, but you need to realise she's morphong into her own person with her own thoughts, feelings and opinions of what she wants from HER life. Don't dictate to her what you want her to do. How will that end? How will she react to that?

Would it bring you closer if you yank her from everything she seemingly loves and dump her into a boarding school here in the UK?

Honestly I get where you’re coming from but it might just end up making your relationship worse. You are her mum, all you can do is always be there for her and I promise she will come back to you. My parents split up when I was that age, and honestly I did some pretty stupid stuff to hit out at them both. Now I know it wasn’t fair on them but there was nothing they could have done to make it better.

OP you mentioned at some point that you feel you treated your daughter as if she was older than she actually is because she was behaving as a teenager. She was 9 at the time of the divorce and nowhere near a teenager. She’s not quite there now either. If I were you I would seek professional support to help me get perspective and repair my relationship with my daughter. There are excellent professionals in Spain, and you probably have very good insurance coverage, make the most of it.

It seems like DD1 really wants to be like your ex's gf. You say she is a lot like your ex and that they're close. I can imagine it must have been hard on some level to see her dad move on and have another important woman in his life. It could be the reason why she is trying to be like the gf.

Do you think there is a chance that your DD is worried about missing out? It seems like DD might want to stick around on the weekends that she is meant to be with you to ensure her place in her dad's life and this new hierarchy isn't lost as that is when the gf visits. Perhaps she thinks about the fun times she might be missing out on with her dad and his gf while being with you. Have you tried inviting her over on a weekend the gf isn't visiting your ex?

I think it’s a dreadful idea. She has already been through the trauma of the separation and now she is finding a degree of stability with her dad and the new GF, you want to destabilize that? My DH went to boarding school and the emotional damage it has caused is awful. Leave your DD where she is and make efforts to rebuild your relationship with her before it is too late. She obviously gets something from the GF she doesn’t get from you.

My daughter is a day student at a boarding school and my close friend who lives overseas her daughter boards… she js totally miserable to the extent I’ve really been considering having her come to stay with us, the boarders are in the main unhappy, she has friends who are boarders and they miss home terribly I would look at her going to a uk school when you live in the uk if she wants to I think you could irreparably damage your relationship doing this

Is it possible for you to collect her from school on the Friday of EOW and drive straight to your house for the weekend? So she doesn’t have the chance to refuse to leave your ex’s apartment? She surely won’t refuse to leave school to go with you?

Exactly this

That would be the final nail in the coffin.

You sound like the wicked step-mum.

Don't do it. Your daughter is already happy - Why would you want to change that? If it's not broken, don't fix it. You appear to be the problem here.

Deep down I think you know why you want to send her away and that's using your child as a weapon to suit your own jealousy. Sometimes if you really love someone - You have to let them go.

I am definitely not against boarding schools, but sending her to one now would be disastrous for your relationship. Allow her some stability where she is. Then when the time comes in a couple of years it will be a joint decision and she will be more stable. Read back your posts and you will see it’s all about what you want ‘I want her with her family’ (she is, she’s with her dad!) ‘I want her to associate as English’ (she’s growing up in Spain, what does she want?)
Honestly, send her as planned in a couple of years and use the time to work on yourself. I really hope it all works out for you all.

I wonder why your relationship has deteriorated…

@Kira4

I would second the suggestion to let her be. You are her mum and that will never change. She might be besties with the gf but that is no prediction of tomorrow. You are the constant , if you want to be , everyone else comes and goes. Give her support when she needs it.... rein in your jealousy- bite your tongue if you have to. It will pass. Remember she is a child. If she is happy in Spain, and you are happy to stay, stay.

See a therapist so you can have an adult conversation about it. Mumsnetters are not experts or therapists - cue some responses here...

Always play the long game... and keep the big picture.. You are her mum. Hope it gets manageable for you.

Are you insane?! This would be an utterly outrageous selfish thing to do

You sound like you're doing a lot of self reflection, so well done you ❤️ it's a tough situation.

I honestly think the most important thing to rebuild your relationship with her is just to be there.

Be there to ferry her around to her friends/drop her off at dads after. With a smile. Go and get a mcondalds after as a treat, or go to the beach in the dark to paddle or grab an icecream when its normally home time.

Be there to take her to activities.

Be there to suprise her with her favourite snack, just because. Would you're ex mind you joining for dinner once a week?

Be there, constantly. Send her funny tiktoks you see, funny memes. Watch shows she likes to watch, read books she likes to read. Talk to her.

Tell her you love her ar least three times a day. Call her before bed to say goodnight wvery night. Leave her voice notes in the middle of the night to say you love her.

Acknowledge what you've done and explain how you're going to fix it. And do it.

You say she's stubborn- be stubborn too. Be there.

Because not all phone apps let you do otherwise. Like I can't see all ops posts either....yes I know some have the button....I'm guessing iPhone.

Im not perfect by any means and I take my share of responsibility for the break up and how things were handled but I’m not such a terrible mother either- my youngest daughter is my shadow
So what happened exactly that led to you thinking you both needed therapy and ultimately led her to want to move with her dad?

It sounds like this is the stem of the issue.

My husband same and he really doesn't have anything like the close relationship with his parents that I have with mine. His parents have been trying to play catch up ever since......

Different situation: we moved abroad when dd was 12. She never forgave us. Horrid time for her- puberty, friend group, etc., and the school abroad was very harsh; UK school had been supportive and lovely.

It sounds so painful what you are going through. Have you thought about allowing her to bring a friend to your house for a sleepover night/weekend? It could diffuse the tension. Also: given that she's been brought up at least partially abroad, PLEASE consider a boarding school that offers IB!! It is much more suitable to international experiences and outlooks, and much more compatible to raising an independent, critical thinking person. Some schools begin at (Britsh) Year 8, more at year 10, and MANY at year 12, instead of A-Levels. The education is infinitely superior, lots of options for language--so well suited to your dd. And will give her many more options in the future

I think you are misguided.
Let the child be, for now.
I think she will just hate you if she finds you are behind the move to a school where she knows nobody and separates her from her dad and girlfriend.
There are other ways you can try to reconnect
with your girl meanwhile.
Your ex and even perhaps his gf might be able to help. Talk to them.

OP, how old is your daughter? there’s a huge difference between ability to guide or force a 12 year old, to a 15 year old. you could benefit from discussing some of the changes and best ways to provide stability with a specialist.

You mentioned wanting pov from people with divorce / teenage experience. Bit of a different one but I am a child of divorce. somewhat similar to your daughter, i also ‘picked a parent’ and pushed away the other (the one i saw as responsible for the divorce). it took a long time to repair the relationship and to be honest, it came down to reaching a point of maturity to understand humans are flawed, and parents are living for the first time too. it’s just impossible for a child in the throes of adolescent idealism to see that.

separately, as an expat, we don’t get to choose what nationality we identify as. sending her to boarding school and family ties in England will not necessarily make her identify as anything. her identity will form based on where she felt home, even if she’s only spent couple years in Spain. while you’re right that a boarding school could give her constancy, the stability she needs likely revolves around feeling like she belongs, is wanted, by both parents. with no stability in your own lives and not knowing when you may return to the UK, it’s very risky to force her to move, and hard for her not to see this as unfair. based on the info you shared it doesn’t sound like it would help her.