Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

Fyi I also think the overstatement / presumptuousness is borne from desperation. Armchair psychologist territory here, and I apologise if I've got it wrong... But it's like OP has to make her relationship work with DD, and so why not use the (valid in itself) education excuse as a magical fix for her parental relationship especially in the face of "competition"? Except it's not going to work that way at all.

Also as a minor point – doesn't want DD too close to gf; doesn't want DD too close to H's family, but her own family is fine (even though the latter is less available and accessible to DD than the former). Ofc could 100% be valid judgments and concerns, as we don't know their family history at all, but in context comes off a little bit as eliminating actual support structures for DD due to need for control/possession.

I actually think the fixation here is TOO much security / predictability for OP's needs (DD's attention back on her/her family, DD in prestigious educational pathway) if that makes sense, at the expense of a loving and supportive environment for DD. It just all feels controlling and me me me (me = OP). I didn't comment this earlier as I felt it was pointless and OP might just think I'm continually piling on her. But it is my genuine impression through this whole thread.

Thing that strikes me about OP's posts is her presumption in how everyone will just magically fall in line with her plans:

DD will get closer to OP if she physically removes DD from gf.

There's a lot of overstatement - keeps talking about how she wants DD to be near family, "surrounded" by family even, yet it transpires DD isn't even super close to family right now and family draws lines with DD.

DD will deffo love boarding because she thrived in international schools, even though those are the 2 MOST diametrically opposed sort of educational environments you can get (state schools in the middle).

Convinced ex likely won't settle in Spain (why not, if he loves his gf? Not unheard of), and gf would want to move to UK (visiting friends/going on holiday is not the same as wanting to relocate.......). OP would freak I think if the 3 of them (ex, gf and DD) or 2 of them (ex, gf) settled as family unit in Spain.

I know you need a long term plan, and you need to make certain assumptions and have certain trade-offs for that. In particular, I know the value of a good education. Namedropping my school credentials still magically opens doors for me decades later.

However, as someone who grew up in both intl and boarding schools, lives abroad (in the UK) right now as an adult, has known/knows multiple international families... I can tell you that families tend to plan as a unit full of moving parts, with many contingency plans and taking everyone's needs, desires and future into account.

This genuinely feels more like the traditional, well-off, distant sort of parenting – send her away and she'll love it and thrive. Make her come to me when I want her attention/love. You used to see that a lot in middle to upper class British parents and you see it in many other parts of the world still.

I’ve known families that move around internationally and the ones that I know have been absolutely fine. It makes people much more relaxed about travel, big change and moving countries.

There are women on this forum who can’t even open their front doors, women who can’t imagine moving from their village or small town or away from their parents, who think it’s very important for their kids to go to secondary school with the people they were at primary school with. There are women who are terrified when their kids visit London.

The world of international living is a million miles from this.

But the issue here is not whether that would suit you (or your snap judgment about it) the issue is DD’s response to a divorce and its effect on her with her mother (which could have happened had they stayed in one small village). And the best way forward.

"Every job has pros and cons and my and X’s jobs have given us and our kids great opportunities and experiences that they’ve been lucky to have.Our kids have, until our separation especially, had a lot more stability in their lives than many kids who never left the house they were born in but whose family circumstances are far from stable."

You do know there is a huge middle ground to be found between those two extremes though right? Of course it's a choice.

Of course he has a choice. You both talk as if you have no sat in your own destiny. It's just work. If you want to stay somewhere, then make it work.

If his girlfriend is Spanish and things get serious, he may well not want to move anyway.

I feel very sorry for your daughter's as it feels like stability for them is such a low priority.

Agree, the OP should be sorting her relationship with daughter in Spain, while both of them live nearby and not sending the girl abroad.

Ok I get what you mean but there should still be some kind of unconditional support for her imo, if her parents aren't in the same country... Not the feeling of her being caught between a rock (beyond a certain threshold, imposing too much on relatives on this side, just a guest and never a daughter) and a hard place (Mum/Dad don't like me getting too involved with Granny on this side). Kids/teens pick up these things for sure.

As earlier mentioned I was a boarding kid myself (and I've always been social; I loved the camaraderie during the years I felt my parents and siblings were present in my life back home, and when they weren't present it was a sort of numbing substitute anyway).

I know people who've lived in different countries from their parents since as young as 7 and were ok as far as I can tell, and others who came in their teens (a great deal from a dysfunctional family situation weirdly... is it that well to do people have messy marital affairs and deal with it by sending their kids away, or is that just most people?) and crashed and burned by their late teens or 20s, or even beyond that.

Not everyone handles/turns out well during a tumultous teenage or young adulthood period, no matter how much their parents love them if the love isn't conveyed and present in a proper way. Not to scaremonger ofc but just to emphasise that unconditional, present support (or access to it) is important.

@Kira4

When would be the logical moment for a transfer to a boarding school in the UK, OP?

I know that your own location will be a factor, as you are likely to move to the UK yourself.

Having said that, as she is 11 now, in which years would the school you have in mind take her? Would it normally be the autumn of 2025?

Do you have a particular school you favour?

PS I know that boarding isn't the choice for everyone, but I get the feeling that it's ultimately the option you would prefer as a family.

Why can't she'd just stay as she is, with her parents, going to a local international school?

You aren't moving anywhere for at least a couple of years, your ex might never move. If you move, it's unlikely from what you say that she'd be returning to the UK with you anyway.

I still don't see why you'd want to uproot her, except for your jealousy over the new friendship she has with the girlfriend

Really not picking on you but I think this paints your idea in an even more questionable light.

It's totally understandable for relatives to love spending just a few hours with their grandkids/nieces/etc before returning to their own lives... But then any relatives with such a low level of commitment and willingness shouldn't constitute her only support in that country.

I had my fair share of Disney relatives (limited support but fantastic times) whom I loved... and conversely a Grandma who always had open arms and an open house. I stayed full time with my grandma a few times too due to proximity or other issues. I knew I was always 100000% welcome in her safe haven.

For her to have spoken of boundaries would have been very weird and sad (ofc it was also give and take i.e. even as a stroppy teen I would have v happily shared my bedroom with her if she ever needed to move in with us).

So again understandable for them to guard their own lives, energy, etc, but vvv unsuitable as child's main familial support in the country. Parental figures don't talk about "big asks", "boundaries", etc.

Fair enough.

I took the words ‘new girlfriend’ to mean the person he was dating since they split. I think because the girlfriend had met the ex wife on more than one occasion (and obviously his daughter) she must have been around for a while.

Either way, I think that she needs to listen to her daughter and work out her daughter’s needs (and possibly have family therapy to work on their relationship and get to the root of the daughter’s anger and pain), before sending her to boarding school.

I'm not saying you should send your daughter to England (don't know enough about your specific circumstances) but if she has family living very close to the school youd like her to attend could she not stay with them and go as a day pupil?

This has been said to Op at least a 100 times. She is not sending her DD to England.

It’s clear from the latest shenanigan that the gf has no concept of boundaries. Very nice of her to go and pick dd up, absolutely none of her business what the consequences are.

One thing that concerns me is that you say DH is not thinking of staying in Spain indefinitely. What happens to gf then? ? Is she going to move countries with him? Does she speak English, French or wherever he may go? She may not want to in which case they will split at that point.

While some posters have framed the problem with gf in terms of your jealousy, that seems to me rather immature. The bigger problem is that an 11 year old has developed a close bond with an older person who may not be in her life indefinitely, she is in grave danger of getting even more hurt.

Personally I read her kickback against you as your being the designated one to be punished for the pain of divorce. Divorce is very painful for kids even if it’s a relatively smooth one. DH is the one she needs to shmooze so as not to lose him. Inveigling herself with his gf is part of that.

I know MN is very anti BD but the fact is some people hate it and some people love it. I know both. Children who have already moved around a lot internationally are less likely to be phased by it. The bottom line is whether she wants to go. If she wants to go it could work well, if she doesn’t - trying to force her as you know will simply worsen your relationship and you will be punished further.

What punishment did DD get for stealing the money?

It sounds like you're thinking of planning a load of treats for when your mother comes.

Isn't DD facing consequences for going off without permission and stealing money?

My friend was in a similar position (new GF of the father), younger child asking "will Kate be there?" when visiting dad, and the older calling her first when something happened - knowing that she will call parents next.

It is logical - a new adult without the emotional baggage of the separation. There aren't many expectations, big decisions, anything, just someone friendly and open who doesn't see them as babies, but takes them as the people they are now. Calling them first is a simple way to both get safe and avoid the parent's first immediate reaction and diffuse them a bit, if they are too tired/stressed/reactive.
In a non-separated families it would often be an aunt who would have a similar role.

If the GF is reasonable, and she seems to be, take her as a part of the village. She isn't replacing you and the children know it.

If you don't want to look as forcing the contact, would some kind of giving a choice work for your situation? (Next weekend, will you be here rather Friday -Saturday or Saturday -Sunday?)