Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

You might want that, but it may already be too late. How long has she lived in Spain? Ultimately, you cannot decide her identity.

She sounds pretty settled and happy. Why you would remove that in a time of instability, I don't know.

It is also very telling that you are not discussing this with her, or bothering with what she wants.

I was sent to boarding school at the age of 12 in the UK from abroad (where I had lived from the age of 2 - so basically all I knew). I can't put into words how awful it was - losing friends when they are everything to you, losing everything else that is familiar etc.

Boarding school itself was a huge shock to the system - lack of privacy, no downtime, no getting away from other girls who had been cruel/ teasing etc during the day.

But this isn't really about boarding school per se, it's a warning that what happened to me changed me forever (not in a good way) and more relevantly totally broke my relationship with my family.

You say your daughter is acting as if she is 'going on 16' - I'd say that was just part of adolescence starting.

As others have said, just be there for her, it's not about what she can give you (hurtful as that is at times I am sure when she appears uncaring) but more about what you can give here: unconditional love, patience and a secure base.

She is no doubt also working through the fallout from the divorce.

Give her time, it's so precious. I wasn't given that time and it has affected my entire life through the kneejerk decision made to send me to school.

sounds like you are jealous and the sole reason for moving her to boarding school is to remove her from her current happy environment which doesn't feature you. If she isn't happy with you, she mustn't be happy with her dad and the girlfriend.

I don't understand also why a boarding school. If her not being with her dad plus a British education is so important to you, settle in the UK and be an actual parent. I think you have serious issues which you should explore further. your current mindset isn't remotely healthy or normal. Your jealousy comes above your child's happiness. It's awful. I hope this whole scenario isn't real.

@Kira4 oh hen, where to start with this one.

Firstly, I'm sorry it's hurting you to see your DDs relationship with your exes gf. I myself was a stepmum for many years and my dsc preferred being with me to their dm, not because I was shiny and new, but because those "silly" dances, and photographs were all down to me to do. The parents didn't. Nor did they do anything child focused. Everything children enjoy, outdoors, exploring, daft humour, experiences with food, places, all these things neither parent cared for. They weren't interested in schooling or the basics either, but if they'd been a different kind of person, maybe they'd have cared only about education and extra curricular activities? Either way, everything fell on me and my stepkids saw from around aged 10 who was showing up, who wasn't.

Shes 11, when you're ferrying her somewhere have a cancel of plans, have a boot full of a picnic and favourite food/snacks and you take her on a spontaneous day out, just you both. Take selfies, get her to show you a tiktok trend. Also buy a manicure set, do her nails, it's a close bond thing to do, without forcing physical affection on to her.

You say she's being a stranger these days? My ex feels like that about our shared dc.
He couldn't tell you his favourite film/show/friends names/music he likes/ what colour his room is. Couldn't even tell you what subjects he's doing in college.
Who is your daughters favourite youtuber/tiktoker? What's her favourite show/film? What music does she like? Find out her interests.

I'm curious how gf has overstepped? What's happened to make you say that?

My concern wouldn't be I'm being pushed out although I'd obviously be devastated, but moreso I would worry what if ex and gf split up, then what? She shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting for your parenting, in case it's not a long term thing.
It's new to them both, having a stepmum type and being one, right now they're making friends and having fun but at some point ex will have to be the bad guy and then what? That could be an awful situation.

You need to talk to your dd, spend time with her regardless of her wants, just keep trying, even if you pop over with a few nice things for her. During the pandemic I made up boxes for my pals, with treats and self care things, reed diffusers and face mask stuff, those kind of things. Would you do a kid version for her? Hot chocs/sweets/bath bombs? That kind of thing, just show her you do think of her.

Don't send her to a boarding school to salvage your relationship, she'd probably hate you.

When we have children they're ours to cherish and protect, but we don't own them, they're not ours to do with as we please, if you send her to a boarding school you're doing it for you, I think after the replies you must realise that.
If you want a relationship with her, try harder, even if it doesn't happen, you've tried, but don't make her miserable out of jealousy.

When my ex and I broke up, for years his dc chose to live with me, they just preferred being with an adult who would make effort for them. But I wasn't their parent, they needed a parent and I wish for their sakes, a parent had have shown up. They now barely keep in touch with their parents. Mum barely ever, dad when they're skint. Nothing of substance.

Even if you have to do things that feel uncomfortable to you, such as activities you're not thrilled to do, let your dd see the effort.

Dont fuck her life up with boarding school when she's settled. It would be hideously cruel.

I can see why this situation would be upsetting for you, but it seems like your idea to move her to a boarding school is down to wanting to get her away from her dad and his new partner. Before worrying about boarding schools I'd be making a really big effort to sort the relationship out

A few questions OP, I hope you don’t mind!

What happened in the divorce, what drove it?

Did you go to full boarding yourself?

Are you having therapy on your own? Because it sounds like this is a very difficult and painful time for you, almost like you’re lashing out without knowing it, sticking to an idealised plan in a life that’s now blown to smithereens, that will take your DD from your ex and his gf just like they’ve taken her from you.

It really doesn’t sound like the ex is working hard enough to support his daughter to have a good relationship with you, and she may well resent that when she grows up.

There can be a huge amount of anger and pain for children when their parents divorce.

Who do you know she is going to love it? She may be resentful with you for life. Being separated from both parents. Please be patient and be there for her; hopefully she will come back to you

You want to drive your DD further apart by sending her to boarding school in UK? is this what she wants? Have you spoken to her?

Is the exH girlfriend much younger? I am wondering if the attraction is as a “big sister” relationship rather than as a proper parent. She sounds like a good person but who knows, they might not even last. It’s irrelevant. But ask her not to join you at every activity!
Your role is to be there: boringly consistent, cheerful, doing the lifts, focusing on practical things like clubs, clothes and school. Be as present as possible so that the accusation that you stepped back can’t be levelled at you.

Try mixing things up a bit - have you snapchat to do streaks (for example) with her? That way she sees what you’re doing every day. B-reel might be fun if you both get into it (post 13). Look for the older daughter things to do rather than just the standard sleepover/contact time and don’t expect too much from a teenage girl. They can be very self-centred: it’s all about them and friends at this age.

If you do this, your relationship with her will deteriorate further. She won't thank you. She may well not love it eventually, despite you being convinced that she will.
Your poor daughter. She's happy where she is. Leave her be.

So the main reason you want to send your daughter away, even though you know she doesn't want to go, is because you think she's too happy atm?

I understand it must be difficult for you seeing her have fun with this new gf. But it sounds like it's great for your daughter! Do you get any one-to-one time with her, or do you always have her little sisters with you? Fwiw I wouldn't be letting her call all the shots at 11. If you know she doesn't want to come to you for the whole weekend, you could at least book dinner for just the two of you on a Friday night, say, and tell her that's what's happening.

I think sending her to boarding school will break your relationship forever. She sounds like she’s finding her feet with her father and maybe her feelings should be taken into account and not just yours. Have you considered that if you do this, when she turns 18 she will get on a plane and that will be it? Let the relationship with the gf play out, and be there for your daughter.

Taking the boarding school side out but my ex moved away from the area we all live in and his relationship with the children has deteriorated. The children are older now and have their own lives at weekends and don’t always want to visit him. He doesn’t make the effort to visit when they are free.

From what I’ve observed it has to be the parent who makes the extra effort because children do start building their own lives once they are secondary school age.

I'm in contact with a lot of my old school friends.
Some of our cohort have been NC with their parents because of school. Be very very careful.

No OP you need to start working on your relationship with her and start getting her ready for moving back to the UK. Your ex and you sound like you've let her do what she wants because you feel guilty.

Boarding school can work well, mine flexi boards but for your DD not now, and possibly not at all for your DD who sounds like she could benefit from some therapy.

Bloody hell, you want to uproot your poor child AGAIN and stick her where she knows nobody, even though she has a life now, friends etc! A lot of people dont fare well at boarding school, it can affect them their whole lives, she's been through a lot already, start thinking of her for a change

I feel for you OP, you want a loving relationship with your daughter but you don’t know what to do. Boarding school is not it.

Sending her away will not work.

A cold hard look at your own life is a good place to start. Perhaps your career? By your own admission you’ve moved around a lot. Both will be detrimental to your relationship with your daughter, although I know that will be hard to hear.

I honestly think getting professional therapy and you putting your daughter BEFORE your job and salary is the starting point. That will include making very difficult sacrifices that I know you are already forming excuses for in your mind.

Good luck OP.

Get the ball rolling for the uk boarding school . Your dd doesn’t have to go but it’s good to check out the options. Perhaps when your dd is in the uk you and her can spend time together in her other country of nationality. It sounds like you don’t get much say so in Spain but the uk is your place of origin so you are in the driving seat.

Don't do it.
Not now, not later.
Look up Boarding School Syndrome.

(I went to boarding school. It wasn't all awful but the awful bits were truly terrible)

You want to send her to boarding school because you’re jealous of the relationship she’s having with dads Gf. I think that’s very selfish and your DD could be very unhappy with that set up.

I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I know it must be really hard and photos don't tell the whole story but it's so telling that you think shed 'love' boarding school, but haven't known how to make her happy and relaxed around you for years. Here she is doing something she loves and confronted with that image, your instinct is to send her away from it into another world with nothing she knows. And please don't say it's near your family again. You don't even live near them yourself.

Or why can't you consider changing your plans and heading back to the UK earlier than you expected, to ensure your eldest child is in one place for high school? You don't seem to prioritise your children's needs, OP. Fundamentally, that seems like the biggest issue.