Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

DD is 11. If her father and his gf separates, or have kids then DD will not have that stability. If DD has any major challenges, will gf be there for her?

Also what should op do, give up her DD and sign up adoption paper for DD to be adopted by gf?
What would you do in OP's shoes?

If your daughter was writing a post about the situation on here, what would it say?

Im now making active moves to begin the transition back to England and hope to be resettled there within two years. It’s possible X will also be back in UK then but far from certain and not sure that’s even what he wants in the short term anymore.

Okay so you think your ex probably won't move back to the UK and your DD wants to live with your ex... so why are you making these active moves to go back? Do you want to not live in the same country as your DD? To force a split between your DDs as well? People on here get hauled over the coals for moving an hour away from where kids are settled in schools/friends/life in the event of a separation. I know you have your own agenda, but it seems weirdly blinkered to be focusing on this future that suits you and pretty much only you. I certainly wouldn't be ploughing ahead on the assumption that what you'll say goes for DD1 on this huge matter when you can't even get her to stay the night.

You’d be failing your daughter, jealousy is a vile reason to rip her away from a loving family.

11 is a tough age for girls. They're navigating puberty, separating from parents and navigating friendships. She's likely angry about the divorce and in the black and white world of the pre-teen/teen she's chosen you as the villain of the thing that shattered her world. You'll not repair your relationship by sending her to boarding school and ripping away the fragile foundation she's building. I think the best thing you can do to salvage your relationship is to let her know, constantly, that you love her. Reach out again and again with offers to go shopping, skiing, whatever you like to do. If she says no keep trying. It may take a while but she'll be aware you care and want to be with her and she'll eventually come around. Enlist her Dad's help- he can say to her every so often "Oh look, Mum's suggesting this- why don't you give it a try. She loves you and wants to be with you"

If your ex is committed with his Spanish girlfriend will he want to return to the UK?

You need to find out when exams are for the boarding school because I suspect that they are held months (even years) before starting (pre tests etc )

I think that your motivations are unfair on your dd. It sounds like you are doing this because you want to sabotage her relationship with the gf and to stop her identifying more with her Spanish side.

I don’t think that boarding school would be bad for your dd because I don’t know her personality but if you’re going to send her then you need to organise your life so you’re available for exeats etc. Can you organise living in the UK permanently in the near future ? It would be unfair to send her to boarding school before you are able to make the necessary adjustments to your life and have your extended family fill that gap.

My parents have been expats and I’ve been to international schools and boarding school so I won’t judge on those choices but the older she gets the harder it will be to move - especially if the school that you’re considering does GCSEs and A-levels rather than IB.

From what I can tell from your post, your idea of moving her to a British boarding school is entirely a selfish one… she is clearly happy/more settled - why on earth would you move her now? You would likely damage your relationship even more. You sound quite busy- I wonder if she feels you don’t put her first/have time for her. Best of luck with your relationship with her; I think you should ask her what she would like and not do it for yourself..

I'm new and thought I had! Sorry.

I think you need to start a new thread. 🙏

Your DD is only 11, I understand she has had a lot to unpick regarding her change in circumstance but regardless you ( and her Dad) are the parents, and need to be in charge. Not her.

if you think she needs to spend more time with you and her sister ( and I agree) then you need to make it happen. Make plans for at least one or two weekends and stick to them. It won’t be helpful to her in the long term to simply give in to her .She won’t always get her own way in life and this is as good a time as any to learn it. Not doing it to avoid conflict with your XH is an opt out too. It’s possible that she and he are similar, but your acquiescence to their wants might be a factor here.

The issue with the girlfriend is not the key one in my opinion. The key is you and your XH finding a way to parent your DC effectively. Even if you were together you wouldn’t always agree but you need to find a way to move forward to ensure you do what your DD needs, not necessarily what she always wants even though that’s maybe the easiest option!

She may be seeing your ex's GF as a fun "older sister" figure rather than a replacement mother. I would try letting go the thoughts of her choosing an unrelated woman as a mother as that can't be a credible base for choosing her schooling.
Teenagers often "dislike" one /both parents for not entirely clear reasons. I was one of those, disliked my mom around the same age (still loved her though) but she seemed always not satisfied with whatever we/ our dad did and judgemental (think unhappy about straight As because these were not A*s). It has changes as I have grown up.

I’d leave her with her dad for now and give her the option to go if she wants at a later stage .

Would it be possible for you to talk to his girlfriend about this? It's so hard on you and she is enabling your daughter's distance from you.

Completely agree with all of this. You moved her out to Spain and now you get to decide whether she should identify as British or Spanish?

This is incredibly sad.

I'm getting about 60% jealousy from you, 40% sadness at the relationship, and frankly 0% concern over your daughter's happiness and wellbeing.

For a start, a child should only go to boarding school if that is what THEY want to do. It may be 'expected' of her and your 'plan' but what would she prefer?

Most children would not prefer to go to boarding school. The trauma of you and your dad separating means it's an even worse idea.

Just to be clear, I don't mean it's bad now but okay in a year, I think it's a bad idea for her to go to boarding school now or the future, unless she expresses excitement and enthusiasm for going.

Sending her to boarding school will not repair your relationship. It will likely damage it beyond repair. All you will be doing is deliberately sabotaging other relationships she has, which is frankly vindictive and cruel.

If she wasn't so friendly with your ex's new gf would you still think now is the right time to send her away? If the answer to that isn't a resounding yes then you need to give your head a wobble and seriously think about what your real motivation is here.

Speak to her about it. Is there anyway that you could move back to England, close to family, and she could move in with you? I'd be doing anything I could to salvage that relationship, even if it means giving up a job, moving country etc.

Your daughter appears to be happy, working hard, and doing well. In your shoes the conversation I would be having is ‘how can we make sure she continues to be happy, working hard, and doing well?’ I’d probably also ask for your ex’s support to help you integrate better into her life. If weekends aren’t working think about what will work - some weekdays or evenings, a shared hobby, an evening swim, a road trip to see your family…whatever works. She’s 11 now and should be part of these conversations. Once they hit teens they tend to pull away a bit anyway, so the cosy weekends you were anticipating probably wouldn’t have happened anyway. That’s no reflection on you, but they do become quite independent very quickly.

I've not read all the posts, but all I can say is that if you need to ask strangers on a forum about something so difficult, then there really is a problem.

This is a massive issue which you need to talk to family about or seek professional advice - counselling, psychologist, teachers involved in your daughter's education now.

The place may be fine - but that's not the whole story.

Your DD has been through some tough, life changing and disturbing events in her life. Moving, living with others will not have added to her security.
And now this......

My DW, and siblings, were Forces children in the 60s + 70s. They were sent away. My DW and brother were 9 and 8 respectively when they were sent away. (Her DS followed later)

The school seemed ideal - activities, co-ed, suitable area etc. Just lacked one thing....... love + attention.

It's what Forces families did then, expenses were paid for it. Many of the children of her parents' friends and colleagues did the same.

'Don't let your mother see you cry'

We never considered it for our own children. If I'd have suggested it I think her second word would have been OFF.

Some may thrive on it - but I suspect many are changed, scarred, feel rejected. Some may tell brave stories - but also carry a degree of baggage.

You daughter may well feel a bit unstable, you may feel she has problems, worries etc but I'm sorry but I don't think this is the answer.

The OP is asking for help fgs. There is no call for this sort of kicking. Try a bit of helpful advice.