Page 11 | Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

Kira4 · 2024-05-12T20:19:59+00:00

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup. We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education. A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid. I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot). I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x. Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 14/05/2024 08:08

It sounds like you’re panicking, parenting is sometimes a slog. It must be very hard and hurtful that your daughter has chosen to live with her dad over you, but try not to take it personally, she is exploring taking some control over her life.
You knew your marriage was coming unstuck possibly for years before you finally split, but your children didn’t know until you told them. This is your daughter trying to make sense of her life. She’s angry with you right now, but that is unlikely to last forever, she’s very young.
Carry on doing what you’re doing, ferry her around, invite her out to things she’ll enjoy, don’t engage when she refuses, don’t make a big deal if she accepts. What she craves is everything to return to normal, which it can’t, ever.
But you can be the face of normal mum and she will forgive you eventually. Hang in there.
Put the boarding school thing on the back burner for now, new gf shine will wear off eventually when daughter isn’t on best behaviour.

GabriellaMontez · 14/05/2024 07:57

Sounds like a positive conversation.

Did you go to boarding school @Kira4 ?

Polishedshoesalways · 14/05/2024 07:41

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 06:48

Had a discussion last night and told X how I feel- everything I’ve said on here really. Was surprised at how cool X is about it all, although that is X’s personality to be annoyingly calm in a crisis even, just thinks it’s a phase and that time will fix it all and we keep going as we are and it’ll all sort itself out.
Apparently schedule with gf hasn’t changed and she’s only there every other weekend, when d used to be with me, but I know she’s over sometimes during the week too, I suppose when d used to be with me too. Again, X very nonchalant about it. Just thinks it’s a good thing that they get on very well and is very complimentary about how gf is with d, I didn’t want to make him defensive about it or turn it into a row. I pointed out gf now has a very different relationship with our girls (she barely knows younger dds while d1 has even met her family) and x said they have discussed taking dds on a holiday together later in the year if schedules align (gf travels a lot), maybe with x’s family ‘for support’ , but get the distinct impression gf isn’t as comfortable around younger kids or that bothered about younger d and it’ll be a bit of a chore.
Tried to get onto longer term plans but x not really going there other (x’s job means it’s very likely he’ll be posted elsewhere in another two years but he’ll also possibly have the option then of returning to uk, don’t get sense that’s his first choice) than to say his parents are also pushing him for plans on d1 finishing school in England. I mentioned that I’d considered getting the ball rolling on that and was shocked that he just called d in and asked her outright. I felt a bit exposed that he just laid it out to her when I hadn’t properly formulated my own thoughts on it but was surprised at how well she engaged in the conversation (don’t think she would have at all if it was just with me).
Main takeaway though was that she’s still quite a baby. She saw merits in boarding in England but had reasons she wants to stay here and they were all very innocent and sweet. I actually now think overestimating her maturity (even though she acts like a teenager with me at times) may be a big part of where I’m going wrong with her lately.

Her vulnerability may be hidden by pre teen behaviour but she still really needs her Mum, even if she can’t share that with you. Don’t give up or become disheartened. Stand quietly by her, love and look after her and it will get better. I have teen girls and it can be bumpy but unconditional love goes a very long way on the inside

Diddleyeyeeye · 14/05/2024 07:35

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 06:48

Had a discussion last night and told X how I feel- everything I’ve said on here really. Was surprised at how cool X is about it all, although that is X’s personality to be annoyingly calm in a crisis even, just thinks it’s a phase and that time will fix it all and we keep going as we are and it’ll all sort itself out.
Apparently schedule with gf hasn’t changed and she’s only there every other weekend, when d used to be with me, but I know she’s over sometimes during the week too, I suppose when d used to be with me too. Again, X very nonchalant about it. Just thinks it’s a good thing that they get on very well and is very complimentary about how gf is with d, I didn’t want to make him defensive about it or turn it into a row. I pointed out gf now has a very different relationship with our girls (she barely knows younger dds while d1 has even met her family) and x said they have discussed taking dds on a holiday together later in the year if schedules align (gf travels a lot), maybe with x’s family ‘for support’ , but get the distinct impression gf isn’t as comfortable around younger kids or that bothered about younger d and it’ll be a bit of a chore.
Tried to get onto longer term plans but x not really going there other (x’s job means it’s very likely he’ll be posted elsewhere in another two years but he’ll also possibly have the option then of returning to uk, don’t get sense that’s his first choice) than to say his parents are also pushing him for plans on d1 finishing school in England. I mentioned that I’d considered getting the ball rolling on that and was shocked that he just called d in and asked her outright. I felt a bit exposed that he just laid it out to her when I hadn’t properly formulated my own thoughts on it but was surprised at how well she engaged in the conversation (don’t think she would have at all if it was just with me).
Main takeaway though was that she’s still quite a baby. She saw merits in boarding in England but had reasons she wants to stay here and they were all very innocent and sweet. I actually now think overestimating her maturity (even though she acts like a teenager with me at times) may be a big part of where I’m going wrong with her lately.

That sounds really productive @Kira4 . Great that you involved your DD in the conversation too.

Is your DH foreign service? There is an expectation of boarding in secondary among foreign service families for obvious reasons. It is a bit of a gilded cage lifestyle for family though.

LAMPS1 · 14/05/2024 07:29

Well done OP, for getting it all out on the table - and I have to say, that although you felt unprepared, well done to your ex for bringing your dd into the conversation too. She will feel that she’s being properly considered in a loving way by you both as before, and that she has a say in what happens to her in the future. I hope there are more times like that when she can be with you together for family discussions and chats; it’s much needed reassurance for her. Maybe try and make that happen if you possibly can, for the sake of all the children.

It’s easy to lose your way as a child involved in a sudden divorce or any major change of circumstance. Easy for the parents to lose their way a little bit too, even though they instigated it all. I think the shock of your DD’s reaction to you has been an unexpected and a difficult feeling for you to cope with and you panicked a bit and sought solutions elsewhere, rather than looking to yourself and your ex.
But for your dd, the massive change was inflicted on her unawares, and she probably had all sorts of hurtful feelings and worries swirling round her head.

Continue to be patient with her, continue to love her in every way you can, and I very much hope the family isn’t separated any more by sending her away to boarding school. Keep the family together as much as you can, while you can. And by the way, your husband is right that it’s a good thing for DD to have formed a good relationship with his gf. Try to normalise that in your thinking, hard as it is.
Have faith that your sweet little girl will recover and feel happy again in your company. She still needs you very much indeed.
Good luck OP.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/05/2024 07:27

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 06:48

Had a discussion last night and told X how I feel- everything I’ve said on here really. Was surprised at how cool X is about it all, although that is X’s personality to be annoyingly calm in a crisis even, just thinks it’s a phase and that time will fix it all and we keep going as we are and it’ll all sort itself out.
Apparently schedule with gf hasn’t changed and she’s only there every other weekend, when d used to be with me, but I know she’s over sometimes during the week too, I suppose when d used to be with me too. Again, X very nonchalant about it. Just thinks it’s a good thing that they get on very well and is very complimentary about how gf is with d, I didn’t want to make him defensive about it or turn it into a row. I pointed out gf now has a very different relationship with our girls (she barely knows younger dds while d1 has even met her family) and x said they have discussed taking dds on a holiday together later in the year if schedules align (gf travels a lot), maybe with x’s family ‘for support’ , but get the distinct impression gf isn’t as comfortable around younger kids or that bothered about younger d and it’ll be a bit of a chore.
Tried to get onto longer term plans but x not really going there other (x’s job means it’s very likely he’ll be posted elsewhere in another two years but he’ll also possibly have the option then of returning to uk, don’t get sense that’s his first choice) than to say his parents are also pushing him for plans on d1 finishing school in England. I mentioned that I’d considered getting the ball rolling on that and was shocked that he just called d in and asked her outright. I felt a bit exposed that he just laid it out to her when I hadn’t properly formulated my own thoughts on it but was surprised at how well she engaged in the conversation (don’t think she would have at all if it was just with me).
Main takeaway though was that she’s still quite a baby. She saw merits in boarding in England but had reasons she wants to stay here and they were all very innocent and sweet. I actually now think overestimating her maturity (even though she acts like a teenager with me at times) may be a big part of where I’m going wrong with her lately.

That sounds like a constructive conversation.

Just a thought. If your ex's girlfriend is only there every other weekend, can't that be the same weekend your DD is officially with her dad? That way there wouldn't be such an incentive for her to stay with her dad on what are supposed to be your weekends.

Original poster

Kira4 · 14/05/2024 06:48

Had a discussion last night and told X how I feel- everything I’ve said on here really. Was surprised at how cool X is about it all, although that is X’s personality to be annoyingly calm in a crisis even, just thinks it’s a phase and that time will fix it all and we keep going as we are and it’ll all sort itself out.
Apparently schedule with gf hasn’t changed and she’s only there every other weekend, when d used to be with me, but I know she’s over sometimes during the week too, I suppose when d used to be with me too. Again, X very nonchalant about it. Just thinks it’s a good thing that they get on very well and is very complimentary about how gf is with d, I didn’t want to make him defensive about it or turn it into a row. I pointed out gf now has a very different relationship with our girls (she barely knows younger dds while d1 has even met her family) and x said they have discussed taking dds on a holiday together later in the year if schedules align (gf travels a lot), maybe with x’s family ‘for support’ , but get the distinct impression gf isn’t as comfortable around younger kids or that bothered about younger d and it’ll be a bit of a chore.
Tried to get onto longer term plans but x not really going there other (x’s job means it’s very likely he’ll be posted elsewhere in another two years but he’ll also possibly have the option then of returning to uk, don’t get sense that’s his first choice) than to say his parents are also pushing him for plans on d1 finishing school in England. I mentioned that I’d considered getting the ball rolling on that and was shocked that he just called d in and asked her outright. I felt a bit exposed that he just laid it out to her when I hadn’t properly formulated my own thoughts on it but was surprised at how well she engaged in the conversation (don’t think she would have at all if it was just with me).
Main takeaway though was that she’s still quite a baby. She saw merits in boarding in England but had reasons she wants to stay here and they were all very innocent and sweet. I actually now think overestimating her maturity (even though she acts like a teenager with me at times) may be a big part of where I’m going wrong with her lately.

OP posts:

lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 14/05/2024 06:24

I didn't get the impression Op put her career over her children. If you are getting it from her move to Spain, her husband has done the same. But he is not expected to leave the job.
How does op support herself and her younger kid/s?

@Redpaisely

I didn't say OP shouldn't have a job, she absolutely should. But not one that requires her to chase work across the globe at the expense of her children's stability and I feel the same about her ex-husband. It's clear that her child requires stability- every child does. Instead of offering that by changing their careers, she suggests that the child is sent away to boarding school away from her family. That is putting her career above her children's needs.

It's also not her husband that her DD is having issues with, it's her. If she wants to build on that then moving her even further away because of her own jealousy is not the way to achieve it.

AliceMcK · 13/05/2024 23:43

Can honestly say I’ve never met anyone who was happy about being sent to boarding school. Some have resigned to move past their feelings towards their parents, others absolutely hate and resent their parents for sending them away to suite their lifestyle. None are grateful for any educational advances.

The thought of sending your child away to boarding school in a different country because your relationship isn’t doing too well at the moment and because your jealous of another woman’s relationship with your DD makes you look like a nasty vindictive person op. You say it will hopefully repair your relationship and it’s close to other family, well that family aren’t her parents, they aren’t people she wants to live with, not that she will get that chance anyway as she will be sent somewhere for strangers to take care of her at a time you say yourself has been hard for your dd. She might make friends and even enjoy school life but I’d happily put money on her hating you forever for sending her away, taking her away from her dad, siblings and new stepmother she quite obviously cares for, if not loves, why? Because it’s too hard for you to deal with the current set up…!

brogueish · 13/05/2024 23:37

@Redpaisely If OP is desperate to get her daughter back, why is she even considering moving DD1 from Spain where they both currently live, and OP will continue for some time, to a boarding school in England? OP will be even further away from her daughter at that point. She did post about ultimately them all moving back to England when DD2 can join the school too. Nothing that she's posted sounds like a desperate mother trying to get her eldest daughter back, come on!

Ace56 · 13/05/2024 23:12

It sounds like your children and your ex are pretty settled in Spain - he has a new gf and the kids are happy in school. You’re the one who wants to go back to England…so either you go on your own and give your ex full custody of the kids, or you just stay in Spain and continue the shared custody arrangement. If DD doesn’t want to see you much at the moment that’s fine, just back off a bit, it’s likely just a phase. Stop all this talk of boarding school nonsense - everyone is happy where they are except you!

LilacK · 13/05/2024 23:06

ZoeCM · 13/05/2024 19:22

I really hope this isn't for real. How can any parent be so selfish? It reminds me of those women who get jealous because their child is closer to the nanny, so they put the child in nursery so they can't grow close to anyone.

^ Quite. Think again OP, if you want your 11 year old not to build such high walls that you can never get over them.

catchthepigeon98 · 13/05/2024 23:04

Are you moving back to the uk at the same time as your daughter? I think for you to repair your relationship with her is to be a mother not pack her off else where away from people that she is settled with it only cause more damage

Redpaisely · 13/05/2024 22:56

seller2456 · 13/05/2024 18:07

@TeaKitten

For starters not send her to boarding school in a different country.

That's same as now. What should she do to change things with her DD.

Redpaisely · 13/05/2024 22:52

Samthedog71717 · 13/05/2024 20:57

If I were her dad I'd be saying no to consenting to that. You can't force her to spend time anyone that she doesn't want to at that age it'll cause a lifetime of damage and destroy any chance of salvaging your relationship.

That's understandable from father and dad side. But you didn't say what you would be doing, if you were op and your dd wanted no relationship with you.

Redpaisely · 13/05/2024 22:50

RadFs · 13/05/2024 20:33

Hi @Kira4 sorry to hear the issues you’re having with your DD. You need to speak to your ex and tell him that you expect your DD to be with you at the weekends. Giving her and them the option means your DD is getting even further away from you. I have a friend whose children refused any contact with her after the divorce and 10 years on they’re still NC. You move got to nip this in the bud. Plan things with her during the weekend and get her back

I agree with this. It's easy to say for posters you are jealous of his gf, if their children were to leave them to spend a lot of time with new gf of their ex then maybe they would have known how it feels.

@Kira4 Your ex has introduced your DD so early to a new gf - you only broke up 2 years ago and your dd was badly impacted and acting out. What made him think it was a great idea to introduce them and let them develop this friendship. He has not thought of your dad's long term mental health. If his gf loses interest in him, then what? She is 10 years his junior, at some point she may want to have her own kids.
At least encouraging relationship with you had resulted in a long term relationship with you, who is never going to leave her. Your ex is lazy, he wanted his gf to visit his home and is happy your dd has accepted her. Does he not care that your other DD is also missing out on a relationship with her sister?

Redpaisely · 13/05/2024 22:41

lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 13/05/2024 14:29

DD is 11. If her father and his gf separates, or have kids then DD will not have that stability. If DD has any major challenges, will gf be there for her?

Also what should op do, give up her DD and sign up adoption paper for DD to be adopted by gf?
What would you do in OP's shoes?

@Redpaisely

I would sack off the job that requires me to keep moving about, I would put my daughter first and not my career. I wouldn't ship her off to boarding school with no mum or dad nearby because I'm jealous of her step-mum. I'd be a parent.

I didn't get the impression Op put her career over her children. If you are getting it from her move to Spain, her husband has done the same. But he is not expected to leave the job.
How does op support herself and her younger kid/s?

I agree sending child to boarding school is not a solution. But I think this one sided criticism of Op is very harsh. Her child has no interest in maintaining relationship with her and is spending a lot of time with father new gf. Most women in Op's shoes would be toremented. She says she tried therapy, but dd1 is resistant. Op is a desperate mother willing to try to get her child back. How many parents or 10 years olds let them decide where they would live?

Op, can you try to do some fun things after school pick ups. Maybe go for icecreams, or plan something she really wants to do. If everything else fails, have a heart to heart chat with dad, that you love her and regrets whatever way you cause hurt, you want to build a relationship with her and suggest some 1 to 1 fun activities even if they are for short durations. You are already supporting her in practical ways, so it is unfair of posters to say new gf is playing a motherly role. You are doing picks up, she is a fun older sister at the most, pulling faces together is not being mother. Do not send her to boarding. Does she have any hobbies where you can support her?

Schoolchoicesucks · 13/05/2024 21:27

Im now making active moves to begin the transition back to England and hope to be resettled there within two years. It’s possible X will also be back in UK then but far from certain and not sure that’s even what he wants in the short term anymore.

The only issue we would have with gaining admission for her if we did decide to send her would be time to get all paperwork sorted

If you don't know whether your ex is planning a return to the UK, do you know his current thoughts on living in a different country to his daughter, or on his daughter going to Boarding school in another country?

This has to be something that the two of you decide together, in the best interests of your DDs.

I agree if she even gets a hint that you are the one pushing Boarding School then she will view that as you rejecting her when she needs you to be showing her you are always there.

Alicewinn · 13/05/2024 21:00

I think that’s bad timing. Your relationship with your daughter is more important than boarding school. Rebuild the relationship first, build a bridge towards her. You’ve got this ❤️

Samthedog71717 · 13/05/2024 20:57

If I were her dad I'd be saying no to consenting to that. You can't force her to spend time anyone that she doesn't want to at that age it'll cause a lifetime of damage and destroy any chance of salvaging your relationship.

Samthedog71717 · 13/05/2024 20:54

You need to put our own feelings aside and focus on the fact that she has stability and is settled with her dad and his partner. If you want to drive a further wedge right in there send her to boarding school. It reads like you can't cope with how happy she is so you'll rip her away from that , yeh that'll teach her🙄

Trulyme · 13/05/2024 20:49

Gagaandgag · 13/05/2024 20:23

I honestly can’t think of a more damaging thing to be considering OP?

Basically you are jealous of the relationship, so instead of working on building a relationship back up with her you want to do this? Take her away from them, where she is happy and thriving? I think her opinion and respect for you will fall even lower.
Start by trying to work out why your daughter is so happy with them
and not with you. Take a long hard look at yourself and your parenting style.
Be honest with her, tell her you miss her and wish you had a good bond. Work on that.

Show quote history

Absolutely this!!

Taking her away from where she is happy and settled is going to make her hate you and you may never have a relationship with her.

But now you have a chance to actually start building a relationship and that’s going to be easier because she’s happy and settled.

It may not happen over night but keep texting her asking how she is and if she needs anything and offering her to come to yours etc and eventually she’ll come round.

RadFs · 13/05/2024 20:33

Hi @Kira4 sorry to hear the issues you’re having with your DD. You need to speak to your ex and tell him that you expect your DD to be with you at the weekends. Giving her and them the option means your DD is getting even further away from you. I have a friend whose children refused any contact with her after the divorce and 10 years on they’re still NC. You move got to nip this in the bud. Plan things with her during the weekend and get her back

Gagaandgag · 13/05/2024 20:23

Loobyruby · 12/05/2024 21:29

Yes, traumatising her by sending her away to boarding school is definitely the answer here.

I honestly can’t think of a more damaging thing to be considering OP?

Basically you are jealous of the relationship, so instead of working on building a relationship back up with her you want to do this? Take her away from them, where she is happy and thriving? I think her opinion and respect for you will fall even lower.
Start by trying to work out why your daughter is so happy with them
and not with you. Take a long hard look at yourself and your parenting style.
Be honest with her, tell her you miss her and wish you had a good bond. Work on that.

AdultJacquelineWilsonFan · 13/05/2024 19:50

I agree with most posters it doesn't seem the right time for a big change and been separated from the family she knows.
My advice would be to keep showing her you care and will always be there for her. That might be picking her up from school and taking her for cake/ ice cream once a week. Even if she sulks and says nothing to you it will help build her trust that your still there for her.