I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

I reckon she just doesn't want to associate with bullies, this happened to me. I didn't want to know any of them, they just sat around being catty and bratty. I'm really against bullies so i never spoke to any of them again even if the one girl was ok but she still sat there and enjoyed the night whilst they all bitched so i couldn't trust her.

Olivia is just a nasty insecure cow. Yes some people get angry when grieving but not by saying bitchy comments about someone's child.

@juniorspesh good advice

Olivia sounds horrible

I'd be wary of contacting Sarah to apologise. If she didn't hear, then you'll make the situation worse

Tricky

If you’re not sure if she heard then you can just make your apology more general. “I hope Olivia didn’t spoil your evening, she was being absolutely vile to everyone all night. I’ve had a word with her”

I don’t think using her bereavement as an excuse for her behaviour is ok. Nor do I think it’s ok for you to listen to her and just say oh stop. It in itself is mean girl , it gives tacit approval.

id text Sarah and say is everything ok. You’ve been very quiet, I’m sorry about Olivia, I know she’s hard work at the moment, she had a bereavement, and it’s been very difficult.

but I don’t think there is any excuse really for you to have basically stood and listened like that, and from Sarah’s perspective it would have been very hurtful

Olivia doesn't sound very nice. No matter who dies in my life, I can easily promise you that I will never make jokes about a child's appearance.

Maybe try messaging Sarah and saying you're starting to see that Olivia's behaviour is really out of order and you've been letting her get away with it for far too long because of your shared history. Something like that.

No, her dad dying does not get a look in. Olivia behaved appallingly and a dead parent does not mitigate this one jot.
I wouldn’t want an embarrassing cruel ‘friend’ like this, I’d cut her off, apologise to Sarah and tell her you are no longer friends with Olivia.
If I had heard someone insult my kid’s appearance they’d be lucky to get away in one piece.

Why is everyone suggesting apologise for Olivia's behaviour? Op is responsible for her own actions, not a grown woman's. Ops apology can be on behalf of someone else who doesn't know she's making it.

Honestly I don’t think you can fix this, and think this is one to chalk up to experience and accept you may have lost a friend, because of your unwillingness to stand up for what is right. You can say as much as you want that you don’t like confrontation, but I don’t think that’s a defence here and neither is Olivia losing her dad.

Sarah will quite rightly think you were in on the joke and will distance herself and I can’t say I blame her if I’m being honest! You’ve also left it a while before saying anything which feels like lip service rather than coming from a genuine place.

sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear but I think in future worry less about seeing something as confrontation and more about doing the right thing.

This. And Sarah probably doesn't want to be friends with someone who collides with Olivia

She made a joke about how Sarah’s child looks? Yeah, grieving or not, I don’t care. Olivia is a twat.

Sarah has made her choice it seems. She saw you and Olivia for what you were and decided she want going to be part of it. If she’s lovely, it won’t be long until she finds friends.
But hearing someone be bitchy about my child? And someone who had been friendly to me not objecting, or taking a stand? I’d dump you both without a second thought, and move on.
An insincere bunch of flowers, because you think you were overheard? Fuck that.

Perhaps she didn’t hear the comments, and the actual reason she’s cooled towards you is because she observed Olivia’s behaviour at the party and can’t understand why you would choose to be friends with her. In other words, she could have reevaluated why would she want to be friends with someone who is a friend of Olivia? She has set boundaries?

I remember having a real click with a friend, and then I met one of her friends who she was really close to and I thought was awful! It made me completely rethink my friendship.

Either way, if you are serious about trying to maintain your new friendship, I’d start off by trying to arrange a coffee or similar and having an honest talk with her. I’d also re consider why you remain friends with such a toxic person like Olivia - duty?

I think I might just message Sara and apologise for olivia's behaviour at the party without mentioning anything in particular. I might also explain the reasons behind you not shutting her down. Olivia sounds like an unpleasant entitled dick tbh.

Have a talk with Olivia and tell her she was out of order and to not put you in that sort of a position again because of how horrid it was.

Then contact Sarah? Apologise profusely for Olivia's behaviour and if it caused any upset. Make it clear you've had words with Olivia about it but didn't say anything at the time because Olivia's reaction would have made the whole thing worse.

And distance yourself from Olivia.

Does Olivia fancy you or anything? I'm nearly 40 and just can't imagine standing there batching about someone I don't know.

In ways I do agree with this OP but it's done now, can't change the past but you need to speak to Sarah quickly if you want to retain the friendship.

Sorry this has happened to you and Sarah.

I would go and buy the biggest bunch of flowers you can find and her favourite wine and drop in with them. Apologise.

Just say something along the lines of you didn't agree with what Olivia said and you wanted to speak about it privately to her, that the party when everyone's had a drink wasn't the appropriate place, you didn't want to spoil the party for ??? by causing a scene and getting into a potential argument esp with someone who is grieving.

That you intend to distance yourself from Olivia/not be friends/whatever you want to say.

I personally would forgive you. But whatever you do with regards to Sarah I would do it quickly otherwise it looks like you don't care/can't be bothered/aren't bothered that she is upset.

It does sound like she heard. Also give Olivia what for and reassess your friendship.

How old are you all??

There really is no correlation between a parent’s death and a tendency to insult the appearance of your friend’s child. You are just making excuses for your own weakness and passivity in sitting there listening to her. You only feel bad now because Sarah has let her hurt and/or anger at you be known. And now you’re too mealy-mouthed to either apologise to Sarah or tell Olivia her behaviour was repellant. Is this really who you want to be?

Yur updye makes Olivia sound like a controlling manipulator who doesn't want you to have other friends and will act badly to scare them off.

Are you sure Sarah heard Olivia? Otherwise you could hurt Sarah by telling her something she wasn't even aware of.

You need to do 2 things.

1. Talk to Olivia from a place of concern whilst making it clear that her behaviour isnt ok.

1. Pop round to Sarah at a convenient time and tell her you've noticed she's been quiet and wanted to check in on her. Explain that Olivias dad has died, she's taking it badly, you didnt realise how badly until that night and you've spoken to her seperately after she sobered up and you're sorry for inviting her to something that ended up being a bit of a shit show and you're really disappointed in Oivias behaviour and you'd never have invited Sarah if you'd been expecting Olivia to behave so badly.

I agree: straight off with the apology.