I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

@IncognitoUsername Omg just stop with this utter rubbish of 'how old are you' . It's a classic comment on here and it's so pathetic. She's obviously an adult if she's calling her a life long friend. They aint kids for flip sake. Op is telling you how uncomfortable she was with the whole situation and how she's now concerned about her friend who we are calling Sarah, that's not mean girls it's just making a mistake.

I think you should tell Olivia you found the nasty remarks about Sarah really rude and hurtful. How would she feel if people said things like that about her? I understand bereavement can affect people really badly, but it's really no excuse for making unnecessary cruel comments about very lovely, innocent people.
Tell her you don't want to hear it if she bitches about anyone like that again. You could simply say 'stop being such a bitch.'
As for Sarah, you could mention how you were embarrassed about Olivia's behaviour in general on that night, without directly referencing what she may or may not have heard. Obviously you'd probably best not meet them together at least for a while. Which hopefully won't be difficult if they're from different friendship groups.

She made a joke about Sarah's kid. And her apperance. it wasn't ok at all

That's completely unforgiveable.

If she thinks you were partaking in this conversation I can see why she has distanced herself from you.

I really think it depends on what Olivia said. It sounds like she mocked Sarah's child's appearance? Or mocked the kid and Sarah's appearance? It doesn't sound good anyway.

You might have become a bit blind to how terrible Olivia’s behaviour is, having known her so long.

In Sarah’s position, I might judge you for the company you keep.

I don’t think her father’s death is relevant in being a total bitch. It could cause her to feel snappy, OK - but straight up bitching about appearance or whatever - no, that’s part of Olivia’s ugly personality.

Why are you still friends with Olivia when you say yourself she's catty and bitchy?
I wouldn't want to know someone like her she sounds a regular pain.

You're not a people pleaser though, are you? Sarah is a person. You're a glam, pretty, socially desirable person pleaser. Which is a different thing altogether. Honestly, if there's a good thing to come out of this, I think you need to own that, reflect on why you chose to please Olivia over Sarah, and whether you're going to change that for the future. Because you've probably lost the friendship of a decent woman to please an unpleasant spiteful individual who doubtless is as unkind about you behind your back as she was to Sarah.

Yes, it's weird that OP says she is a people pleaser except for pleasing the person she has hurt with her silence.

OP - don't wait for days, call her or leave a Whatsapp voice note.

I'd accept this apology.
You can only apologise for your own part in this and I'd be happy enough if you were able to admit you were wrong. People don't always do the right/brave thing at the time and I think that's ok if some real actual reflection happens afterwards.
If you go on too much about Olivia, then I would just want to back away from you. It's still relatively easy for kids to remain friends without the parents being friends.

The fact you're worrying about awkwardness suggests you don't really want to genuinely apologise to Sarah; who sounds a much nicer person.
Olivia grieving is not an excuse to be an utter cunt about people and their children, you even excusing it suggests your desperate to be one of Olivia's 'in crowd', pathetic for an adult to be so spineless.

Your action is an action in itself, then. You're choosing to avoid that discomfort above Sarah hearing your apology and knowing your friendship to date wasn't false, and possibly retaining a future friendship with her.

Yes, I think you have. If my friend stood there passively while another person spoke like that about me, I'd not see them in the same light again. The only thing I can suggest is that you tell Sarah what you've said here, that you didn't want to cause upset given Olivias recent bereavement, but you completely condemn what she said. A lot will ride on what your response actually looked like to Sarah. A mealy mouthed half laughing 'Oh stop, you are awful!' Is different from an assertive and firm 'stop it' that sounded like you meant it, so I hope for your friendship it was the second.

Not sure how you'd fix that one. You've showed her a different side of your personality - the person who stands by and does nothing while her mate is a bitch about her kid and her appearance and she's probably written you off as a Queen Bee cling-on. Which isn't completely unfair. The people who stand by and don't defend the person getting bullied are just as bad as the bully.

I think you won't have to worry, if Sarah did hear, do you not think she'll keep her child well away from people who were being nasty about her?

Op it is so hard to know what to do when there things happen in the moment. Very few people would get it right I suspect. Just talk to Sarah, she sounds lovely, and by what you say she will listen. But don't leave it let it fester under the carpet.

It does sound like, as said upthread somewhere, that she didn't like the vibe of the group dynamic. Well ok, she's entitled to feel how she feels. But you aren't responsible for that, for all the other people. I think I it would be worth your while to clear the air, you're so worried and you will feel so good after you do something! Go easy on yourself here. No need to self bash.

I think you've left an apology too late for Sarah to actually like you again. But maybe she'll pretend for the kids' sake

Op, this. I don't think a text exchange is the way to go here, don't do that.

Call in and do this face to face. You'll feel a bit awkward at first but you will feel so good for doing the right thing afterwards, you already know it's the right thing to do.

As for Olivia, when I read she has been slagging off Sarah's child, oh I saw red! That is really low. I would be absolutely boiling up over that.

Good luck.

I think you are unfairly taking a lot of responsibility for your friend’s behaviour here. The other woman is entitled to find you guilty by association but there were extenuating circumstances to your actions, who wants to come down like a tonne of bricks on someone recently bereaved even if they are being a dickhead? You need to be kinder to yourself, you know the issues you were dealing with in the moment even if Sarah never forgives you, you need to allow yourself some grace.

Oh that’s a shame, it will be awkward? Seriously?🤯

She’s probably decided not to bother with you.

So your friend made an awful joke about Sarahs child and you let it slide? That’s very poor of you Op.

I had something a little similar except an old friend had an actual falling out with the woman she was bitching about to me. To be honest I was so caught off guard by the bitching that I thought my friend was joking and I let it go on for longer than I otherwise would have before deflecting and changing the subject.

I didn’t say anything to the woman in question about the incident because I don’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, I have spoken to the woman in question many times since and just continued being friendly to her because I like her. You cannot control how other people see you, you’ll tie yourself in knots, don’t even try. Just be yourself.

Losing a parent isn’t a get out of jail free card. If a bereavement makes you nasty and cruel, it’s because you’re fundamentally nasty and cruel, bereavement or no bereavement. Olivia sounds horrendous to be honest.