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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

109 replies

GroundToSwallowMeUp · 12/05/2024 21:15

At a party, I was talking to a lifelong friend of mine (let's call her Olivia) (her dad died recently - they were very close - he was only 60). Olivia is really struggling. All her worst traits have come out x 1000 (being bitchy and gossipy) - she has heart of gold but since losing her dad a couple of months ago - she spends most of her time complaning or bitching. Olivia is also v v pretty and glam and confident.

At the party - I introduce her to a new friend of mine (Sarah) who is so lovely. Sarah is the nicest woman in the world. Not v glam, v different lifestyle to my friend.

As Sarah was leaving - Olivia was taking the piss out of her - being what she thought was funny (she had a wine or 7) but was quite cruel. I didn't laugh along, I just moved conversation on quickly or might have said 'oh stop' but not too seriously. I certainly didn't have a go at Olivia.

I thought Sarah was miles away but possibly not. Sarah is now ignoring me. I've convinced she has heard.

I should have been stronger with Olivia and pulled her up. It was the awkwardness, the fact she's so volatile about her dad, I've known Olivia 20 years and Sarah only a matter of months - so guess my loyalty felt off or that it wasn't that serious

But now i feel awful. I've convinced Sarah has heard and she is the nicest, kindest woman.

What do I do? i've screwed up our friendship haven't i?

OP posts:
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NeedToChangeName · 14/05/2024 10:32

If Sarah didn't hear Olivia's nasty comments, you may get away with this

Unless Sarah is on MN and recognises this story

Tanyahawkes · 13/05/2024 21:16

GroundToSwallowMeUp · 13/05/2024 20:32

Update

Sarah messaged me and she is fine. I think she strongly disliked Olivia but it is clear she didn't hear anything and she is being back to normal and apologised for silence

I do 100% deserve a lot of the comments on here and will be talking to Olivia separately and telling her I regret not saying something at the time.

Thanks for the advice, even if some of it was hard to take.

Glad it has turned out good between Sarah and yourself

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2024 21:02

Why was she silent if she didn’t hear - because of the general toxic vibe caused by Olivia?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/05/2024 20:40

Oh that's a relief. I'd be having as little as possible to do with Olivia in future. She just sounds not very nice at all.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/05/2024 20:37

Did she explain her silence?

Original poster
GroundToSwallowMeUp · 13/05/2024 20:32

Update

Sarah messaged me and she is fine. I think she strongly disliked Olivia but it is clear she didn't hear anything and she is being back to normal and apologised for silence

I do 100% deserve a lot of the comments on here and will be talking to Olivia separately and telling her I regret not saying something at the time.

Thanks for the advice, even if some of it was hard to take.

OP posts:
Tanyahawkes · 13/05/2024 17:39

I think if I was in Sarah’s shoes and had heard Olivia say that about me and op not say much, if op said “sorry you had to hear Olivia say that, it’s not a nice thing to say and I don’t agree with her, I didn’t know what to say, I’m sorry I didn’t say much” I would be telling op “ thanks for that hun, it’s not you that’s pissed me off, went a bit quiet as didn’t know if you agreed with her or not “

FuckOffTom · 13/05/2024 15:42

It’s shit but if I was Sarah and you apologised to me sincerely I would accept it and move on.

Somethingsnappy · 13/05/2024 15:08

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 13/05/2024 14:59

I don’t think the onus should be on Sarah to explain. The OP knows that things were said that were hurtful and knows she owes Sarah an apology. I don’t think it is right to put Sarah in the position of having to say “I heard Olivia say xxx and that you didn’t challenge it”.

Asking if she is ok is disingenuous. The apology needs to happen without Sarah explaining what needs to be apologised for.

Show quote history

I do agree. But the difficulty is that she doesn't know if Sarah overheard or not...

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 13/05/2024 15:07

Olivia is a cunt.

Getting ratty, irritable, breaking down, snappy, argumentative, crying, - I’d take those as grief. Mocking other people and children? Nope.

You are guilty by association, perhaps Sarah thought “fuck this drama- what a pair of bitches”. Sarah’s giving you a swerve. I’m with Sarah.

Treelichen · 13/05/2024 15:05

GroundToSwallowMeUp · 12/05/2024 21:40

Does Olivia's dad dying get a look in? he was ill for a long time and she was lookign after him by herself - she has been very stressed and quite depressed at times.

she has been cruel about other people during the entire thing. perhaps i need to talk to her. she did always have a bit of this in her, she was the one who might make a funny but somewhat judgemental comment in your ear.

She made a joke about Sarah's kid. And her apperance. it wasn't ok at all.

Grieving doesn't give you a pass to be a bitch. Olivia is a nasty piece of work who would no longer be my friend.

Diddleyeyeeye · 13/05/2024 15:01

Don’t do this in a message I think you’d be better calling over to her or phoning her.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 13/05/2024 14:59

Somethingsnappy · 13/05/2024 14:49

I think I would message Sarah something along these lines....

Hi Sarah, is everything OK? It isn't like you to not reply to my messages. I have a feeling it is something to do with Olivia, am I right? I just want you to know that I'm going to distance myself from Olivia. She has been making bitchy comments about people, and i'm not comfortable with it, and I don't think I want to continue spending time with her. Is everything OK with you?

That kind of message will open up communication about it all, especially if she overheard.

And no, losing a parent does not excuse nastiness.

I don’t think the onus should be on Sarah to explain. The OP knows that things were said that were hurtful and knows she owes Sarah an apology. I don’t think it is right to put Sarah in the position of having to say “I heard Olivia say xxx and that you didn’t challenge it”.

Asking if she is ok is disingenuous. The apology needs to happen without Sarah explaining what needs to be apologised for.

Tanyahawkes · 13/05/2024 14:58

GroundToSwallowMeUp · 12/05/2024 21:25

i would say that but hard as Sarah hasn't bought it up - she's just not replying to any messages for days & she usually replies instantly. I think she left early because she wasn't comfortable around Olivia but she was being perfectly pleasant to me as she said goodbye, and then as she was getting her bag - that's when olivia made remarks about her.

do i proactively bring it up? Message her and ask if she is upset about the party and does she want to talk about it? or do i just leave it and accept sarah quite understandably ghosting me?

As you have said you believe you were in the wrong then yes I think you should message Sarah and tell her that you are sorry for what happened and that you do not agree with what Olivia said in the slightest

fully agree with pp about Olivia’s grief not giving her free reign to be horrible

Beautiful3 · 13/05/2024 14:55

My mother dying, doesn't give me a free pass to behave like a bitch. You should talk to her next time she does this. Tell her it's not nice. Talk to your other friend, apologise for your friends poor behaviour.

3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 14:54

I would send her a message and say ‘look it was great of you to come to the party, but something has been on my mind. I heard….. saying things which were out of character for her. I didn’t bring it up at the time as she’s having a hard time but I’ve decided it was not on the things she’s saying and I’m going to have a chat about it with her one on one. I’ve really enjoying being your friend and if the party upset you, I’m sorry. I value our friendship and I’d love to catch up with you when you’re free’

PickledPurplePickle · 13/05/2024 14:53

Sorry, but Olivia sounds like a bitch, and her Dad dying doesn't excuse her behaviour - she needs to be told

Somethingsnappy · 13/05/2024 14:49

I think I would message Sarah something along these lines....

Hi Sarah, is everything OK? It isn't like you to not reply to my messages. I have a feeling it is something to do with Olivia, am I right? I just want you to know that I'm going to distance myself from Olivia. She has been making bitchy comments about people, and i'm not comfortable with it, and I don't think I want to continue spending time with her. Is everything OK with you?

That kind of message will open up communication about it all, especially if she overheard.

And no, losing a parent does not excuse nastiness.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 13/05/2024 14:27

These people who justify horrible peoples behaviour on the basis that “they’re going throughXYZ … noooo you shouldn’t say that Olivia ha ha ha” or by saying things like “well she’s always been a bit like that and we’re used to it but she’s got a bit worse” really piss me off because they’re so disingenuous.

OP you don’t actually care that Olivia is a prize bitch, because it’s not you she’s bitching about. Except it is. I absolutely guarantee that Olivia will have been bitching about you behind your back,.

If you were genuinely bothered about her behaviour you would have distanced yourself a long long time ago, but you haven’t and I’m guessing you still won’t because of “what she’s going through.” And after that there will be another reason, and then another one, and then you won’t know how to do it, and in a few years you’ll be posting “AIBU to be upset at a comment I vet heard my friend say to someone?”

dayaftertomorrou · 13/05/2024 13:26

WoodBurningStov · 13/05/2024 12:35

I'd just call her or pop round if that's normal.

I'd say to her 'I wanted to talk with you, and to apologise and explain about Olivia, I don't know if you heard or not, but she said some not nice things about you. I wanted to firstly apologise for introducing you, but also explain that Olivia has just lost her dad and it's bringing out the worst in her. She's not usually like this. I would normally have pulled her up on her comments, but didn't because of how she's been following her Dad's death blah blah'

Get it out in the open, your actions were with the best of intentions and trying to keep two people happy

But the problem is that she is usually like this..

Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 12:39

GroundToSwallowMeUp · 13/05/2024 09:20

@Sunnyandsilly what's wrong with that? it will be awkward. awkward because i fucked up our friendship and now we hvae to see each other every morning for the next 6 years.

Because it came across this was your primary concern,

look the bottom line is you know what happened, you know the likely cause of Sarah’s distancing herself. And yet you still haven’t picked up the phone asked to meet and tried to resolve it.

if im brutally honest, you sound like one of those kids at school who hangs around the school bully, too scared to stand up to them and just glad its not them being abused.

WoodBurningStov · 13/05/2024 12:35

I'd just call her or pop round if that's normal.

I'd say to her 'I wanted to talk with you, and to apologise and explain about Olivia, I don't know if you heard or not, but she said some not nice things about you. I wanted to firstly apologise for introducing you, but also explain that Olivia has just lost her dad and it's bringing out the worst in her. She's not usually like this. I would normally have pulled her up on her comments, but didn't because of how she's been following her Dad's death blah blah'

Get it out in the open, your actions were with the best of intentions and trying to keep two people happy

palmroyale · 13/05/2024 12:30

Olivia sounds like a bitch and it sounds as though you always make excuses for her

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/05/2024 12:28

Dayatthebeach · 13/05/2024 11:53

She made a joke about Sarah's kid. And her apperance. it wasn't ok at all

That's completely unforgiveable.

If she thinks you were partaking in this conversation I can see why she has distanced herself from you.

It takes a particularly unpleasant person to be nasty about a child though and the child’s looks (hope I got that the right way round). Maybe Olivia is hurting inside but she needs to know that’s not acceptable ever.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/05/2024 12:25

GroundToSwallowMeUp · 13/05/2024 08:02

Someone suggested she might not have heard but has been put off our friendship because of the bitchy/gossipy vibe that Olivia created and I allowed. I think that is quite possible. I feel if Sarah had heard the actual joke she'd have said something. I don't know. I've been on eggshells with Olivia for 2 years now so have gotten used to having to say "Olivia, you can't say that" as she laughs it off. She's always been a bit catty but since her dad got ill she seems to cheer herself up but feeling superior over people.

If I were you. Yes I’d apologise to Sarah but I’d also speak to Olivia face to face and tell her that her behaviour and words are unacceptable, that you have understand because of her dad dying and her caring for him but unless she changes her ways she’ll lose you as a friend too.

I think that’s the fairest way here. Otherwise maybe Olivia has been used to becoming more bitchy and no one’s really said anything to her about it so it’s got worse.