Grief really f**cking sucks

A friend mentioned the ball in the box analogy when I was going through a similar unexpected loss. I’ve found it a helpful way to visualise grief.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy#loss-as-a-reality

Just wanted to add after my twin baby sons died 6 months ago, my husband and I were on different wave lengths with grief. You mentioned you can't talk to dh because of his mental health and that's ok, my husband couldn't deal with the high emotions when our sons died, and couldn't talk about it much to others. But I needed to talk and verbalise how I felt.

So I rang friends, and family and joined support groups. You need to take care of your own needs too in order to be there for your dh so don't rule out therapy or just ringing for chats to people who support you. What I've learnt since our tragedy is most friends and family really want to do something to help when this happens but don't know how. Utilise them if you need to talk. Xxx

I lost my twin baby sons in November - 6 months ago. One was stillborn and my other survived for just four days after we removed life support. He passed away in my arms. They were our first. I wanted the ground to swallow me up the day we had to bury them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is not linear, it comes in waves. Someday you are riding the wave and other times you feel like you are drowning.

There is no magic cure, but what you are feeling is normal. Loss is horrific. It's physically painful. You will get through it. Not over it. But you will learn to manage and cope with it. It really is an hour by hour thing, just surviving it bit by bit.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other . Talk about her, cry, scream. Walking, fresh air. Anything. It will take time but it will improve.

As others have said, you never actually "get over" losing someone you love, you just get better at handling it. But every so often it sneaks out and gets you, even many years later. Sometimes it's a big thing, like we are planning my DD's wedding at the moment and I am acutely aware that my parents won't be there and it makes me very sad. Other times it's something trivial- a piece of music on the radio, seeing the sweets in the supermarket that you used to buy them as a treat, a piece of news you know they'd be interested in. I have no real words of wisdom other than to say that time does help, and remember the saying that grief is the price we pay for love, and how much poorer would our lives have been without that love?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

The thing that has helped me the most is talking to a therapist. I cried my way thru the first session but it was such a huge relief to openly grieve without worrying about being judged or making anyone else "uncomfortable".

Other than that, some days are better than others. It's never far from my mind but I'm less...desolate (?) these days (It's hard to put into words). There is always an underlying sadness though.

#@hoomanbean3
I Agree with the poster who mentioned counselling therapy
Bereavement type would be beneficial for yourself and your husband

🤔 you were obviously extremely close
No wonder you are both in shock. as your Mother in law was relatively young to die like that too..

I am so sorry OP.
I lost my beloved gran last year and it is still painful. I found the old swingball set we played with as kids with my cousins in my Mum’s garage the other day and I sobbed for half an hour. It sucks.

I would try to see a bereavement counsellor OP this sounds awfully traumatic x

It’s beautiful you had such a close relationship with your MIL. Sending a handhold.

I do think that it is harder when the person is very much part of daily life - you notice the gaps they left more. So like you say there are daily moments that would include her and each time it hits you.

It.could be someone you love just as much but that you see or speak to less and you would still feel the grief but without the gaps in your life daily you get to heal more gently, you would still have moments but not so often.

I promise it won’t always feel so raw and that you eventually will remember her at other times and not just her body. After my dad died, my only memory was him in the chapel of rest but now I remember him in life.. someone told me “it won’t always be so raw and that whatever you feel is normal”. It was so true. I still miss his physical presence but tbh I have a strong spiritual faith & feel his presence a lot. Might just be memories but the rawness has definitely gone. Talking to your hubby might help him feel less alone in how he feels & knowing that she was so special to you too. Sending hugs 🤗

It'a really hard and it takes time. I think with a sudden passing the second six months are the hardest actually - the first six months are just shock, then it's the second six months when you start to go through 'firsts' and the adrenaline runs out.

If you talked daily, I'll tell you what I did for my sibling - I set up an email address and I email him all the time. We didn't talk, we tended to message, so when I get that urge to pick up the phone and text him, I send him an email instead. It has been immensely helpful to me and hopefully it can help you or someone else.

That's tough

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. We lost my MIL just under a year ago, not quite as suddenly as you but so much quicker than any of us expected. We all are all still trying to find our ways through it but it's bloody hard. There's been so many moments of "I'll just text.." and realising we can't. I'm not sure it does get easier, you just somehow find ways to deal with it but if I can suggest one thing please talk to your DH. I know he's fragile, of course he is, but if you open up to him it might help him open up too.

Really sorry to hear what you're going through. I found the first year after my dad died to be tough because there are so many firsts. You miss them but there's always a sense he might walk through the door. It felt like my grief changed after the first year, better in some ways but more difficult in others when the reality that it had happened behind to sink in and life kind of moves on.

It might help to talk to your husband, share that you're missing her and perhaps talk about some fond memories or something that's happened and what she'd say. We did that a lot with my dad, still do five years on. I know you can't lift the phone but I found it helped to continue talking to my dad whether in the house, the car or his graveside.

The first year is surreal where you kind of coast along in a bit of a bubble. I think you just do what you need to do to get by and keep yourself going. Self care is also really important so please look after yourself.

Hopefully you can find some peace.

Oh, OP . . . that's such a lot of trauma to go through

I haven't got anymore to add to my earlier post but having just read this, I couldn't skip past without commenting

I'm so awfully sorry
💐

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you, your DH and the rest of your family are going through

I noticed you mentioned you felt unable to talk to your DH about what you're feeling as he is struggling badly with his grief. I think this is such a common problem in bereaved families ~ we don't share what we're feeling in case we cause more distress to the person who is most directly affected

I do think that counselling can really be helpful in these circumstances. Alternatively some areas have bereavement groups and one of my friends found that very helpful

Sending you best wishes

💐💐💐

I lost my mum in February, and despite understanding grief and the various stages, knowing everything I am feeling is ‘normal’ it’s kicking my ass. My mum was in the USA and today is Mother’s Day there so today feels very difficult. 😢

I dread losing my ILs as I have a great relationship with them both. 😢

I’ve stopped talking about how I’m feeling as everyone seems bored with it all. I can’t go to any bereavement groups as they are all in the day and I work.

It’s no surprise it’s one of the most stressful life events.

I'm really sorry for your loss. As others have said it's still very early days and everything you're describing is natural.

It's also given me massive anxiety about death and leaving my own DC and I've had nightmares about it most nights since it happened

This is natural too, it's your brain processing what has happened and making sense of it. For most people it is part of a natural healing process and will gradually improve. I had very similar severe anxiety after my mum died but it did gradually reduce over time.

The usual guideline is to speak to your GP if things haven't started to improve after 6 months or get worse.

If it was traumatic and things don't improve naturally you may be referred for trauma therapy as counselling wouldn't be appropriate.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/traumatic-loss/traumatic-grief/

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/coping-after-a-traumatic-event

It's just over 3 years since my brother took his own life and it isn't getting easier infact it feels like it's getting harder. I think it depends how people die. Grief is individual. It sideswipes you when you are not expecting it. I just put one foot in front of another and hope that one day it will feel less like I'm wading through treacle.

I'm sorry you lost a loved one in her prime. I think sudden death is the hardest to make sense of. It does sound like you were close and that's something to be celebrated. Your MIL was well loved. That's such a great thing.

When you feel grief try and remember to also feel grateful that you had her in your lives for the years you and DH were together and she passed on knowing her son was in a relationship with someone she loved and approved of.

When you loose someone suddenly, younger it's a real shock and takes weeks, months just to get used to the fact they are not there anymore, there's all kinds of feelings and emotions, it's different for everyone but after a while you'll begin to be able to remember the good times and will be able to think "mil would have love x or y occasion or news" rather than being overwhelmed by her not being there. Be kind to yourself and look after your husband, it's horrible.

I would say in contrast where someone is very elderly or has been seriously ill for a long time, you can find you adjust to loosing them ahead of time, I know with my grandmother I knew there was nothing could be done 5 months before she died so please don't compare your situation op to those who have been in different situations,

Take care, and everyone else grieving, it's one of the hardest things we experience so give yourself space, hugs

Sudden loss is difficult as its unexpected we go into shock. I feel it prolongs grief. I saw a Councillor for a year that helps massively and I think would benefit you, as you don't want to burden your husband. So sorry for your loss, keep strong it gets easier to live with