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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uneasy about this ? Or do people just deserve to have the past left behind them?

37 replies

feelinguneasyaboutit · 12/05/2024 15:39

I went to school (and was friends with for a while) a girl who was a compulsive liar the whole time I knew her (from approx age 6 to age 16). Not little lies - huge hurtful and impactful lies.

She would come in to school crying that her house had been burgled , there had been a house fire, that the family pet had died etc to start with at a younger age.
As she got older the lies got worse - that her grandparents had died etc, that her parents or siblings were seriously ill. Things like that.
Aged 14-16 were the awful lies (allegations against boys and teachers, lies that she was seriously ill herself). Eventually everyone found out and she left college - a lot of us assumed she had moved away, to be honest I forgot about her. She clearly had some kind of significant problem though.

My dc go to an activity and she is one of the assistants there - I don’t know how to feel about this? All staff are enhanced dbs checked so clearly she’s only guilty of being a terrible liar- maybe it was just an immaturity thing ? (We are mid 30s now) . She has said hello to me and a brief (seemingly normal) chat the couple of times I’ve seen her but I feel SO uncomfortable.

AIBU? Am I being judgy? I just feel weird about it

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 12/05/2024 16:04

I get it, you can objectively feel that a person deserves a second chance whilst still feeling deeply affected by what they put you through, it's not mutually exclusive.

Original poster
feelinguneasyaboutit · 12/05/2024 16:02

Oncetwicethreetimesalady · 12/05/2024 15:59

Yeah I would be concerned. It wasn’t just once or twice, it was over a period of 10 years. And you imply she made false accusations about boys and teachers? Were these sexual in nature? If so, that’s worrying.

Yes - on multiple occasions, she did admit it all - but literally a week after all the lies came out (she had also said she had a terminal illness) she disappeared - nobody spoke to us about it at school either it was just ignored / not dealt with. I doubt they’d do that these days.

OP posts:
DerekFaker · 12/05/2024 16:02

She was a teenager then. Perhaps a troubled/abused one. Teenagers do stupid things regardless. It doesn't define us for the rest of our lives.

StormingNorman · 12/05/2024 16:02

Without any evidence to the contrary, I would assume she’s still prone to a porky and keep my distance.

SuprasternalNotch · 12/05/2024 16:02

I’d remove my child from the activity.

Oncetwicethreetimesalady · 12/05/2024 15:59

Yeah I would be concerned. It wasn’t just once or twice, it was over a period of 10 years. And you imply she made false accusations about boys and teachers? Were these sexual in nature? If so, that’s worrying.

category12 · 12/05/2024 15:59

She might have had a shit ton of therapy since then. You don't know why she was lying, maybe there was something going on in her life that made it a cry of help or attention.

Up until the point she becomes a problem, just give her the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to be matey with her.

Original poster
feelinguneasyaboutit · 12/05/2024 15:57

It’s hard as well as at times I did give a lot of myself emotionally to her - and I felt really betrayed when one by one it all came out as lies, so I think seeing her again brought that back up as having to deal with some quite worrying scenarios that I believed aged 14-16 especially was difficult to navigate

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 12/05/2024 15:55

I'd feel weird too. I'd keep my distance, vaguely polite.

Original poster
feelinguneasyaboutit · 12/05/2024 15:55

AlisonDonut · 12/05/2024 15:52

No, she should never be able to ever work again and perhaps earn a living, have a roof over her head, drive a car or have any friends, ever.

People grow up. You have no idea why she did it and you are not her therapist so let it go.

I completely agree - I’m just saying that I feel so uneasy about it as at the time she was taken seriously about false allegations especially and it really really caused hell for a lot of people and it’s hard to push that to the back of my mind ? I know all staff are dbs checked and yes she should be able to work etc - I just feel uneasy !

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 12/05/2024 15:52

I can understand your feelings about it but think anything beyond that would be unreasonable. Lots of people have behavioural issues as children, presumably she had therapy to deal with her problems and is now an adult who is trusted enough to do what she is doing. I would keep a close eye just in case, and would potentially not want one on one time with her and my child until you have seen more of her now, but if the activity is a group and there are other assistants I can’t see it’s an issue.

Also my DSS 9 has done some questionable things including lying about his dad being in a car accident, but we support him to address these issues as he learned the behaviour elsewhere. I would hate to think someone would hold that against him as an adult unless he continued the behaviour then.

AlisonDonut · 12/05/2024 15:52

No, she should never be able to ever work again and perhaps earn a living, have a roof over her head, drive a car or have any friends, ever.

People grow up. You have no idea why she did it and you are not her therapist so let it go.

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