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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need advice regarding my ex and contact.

34 replies

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 13:12

Hiya all. Posting for traffic as I need some advice if there's anyone out there in the know.

I split from my partner of 6 years because of mental abuse.....to cut a long story short we share a now 5 year old daughter and the courts and Caffcass decided he was to be granted indirect contact once a week,the contact being a photo and message of our daughters progress sent to him via a third party on WhatsApp.

The problem is he sends horrible messages on the contact day saying I'm this and that and all names under the sun. Do I really have to put up with this? There's a court order saying he gets indirect contact but surely he can't be allowed to constantly verbally abuse me during this contact? I'm not sure what to do. I've warned him that if he carries on then I will stop the updates and he carried on......so this week I've not sent an update.....and now what?? What do I do? He's messaging me via the 3rd party saying he's going to put me in jail for not sending him the update plus the usual abuse.

Is there anyone out there that can advise?

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Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 16/05/2024 15:04

Really? I was desperate 2 years ago and was calling anyone I could. I remember having being referred by the police to get a non molestation order in place and the woman over the phone said "I can't put that before a judge,you can't get this order over text messages it has to be a face to face incident" I put the phone down and cried my eyes out.

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labracadabras · 16/05/2024 00:10

Oh course they can it’s malicious communication and harassment - escalate it with the police

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 15/05/2024 12:03

Thank you labracadabra. I tried getting one before but they said they can't issue one over text messages.

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labracadabras · 13/05/2024 18:15

My advice is to report and log all messages with the police . All of them. Ask the court for a non mol order and you can apply yourself. Report all the abuse and messages to SS as well. Been there.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 13/05/2024 17:14

I've made an appointment at a family law firm today,it's £45 for 30 mins but I'm hoping I'll get some useful advice and be able to put something better in place.

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Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 13/05/2024 17:12

Thank you silentsilhouette I'll look into that.

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SilentSilhouette · 13/05/2024 13:41

ThatProudNavyLion · 13/05/2024 07:33

Thank you donotneedit I'm really trying to do the best by everyone,mainly my daughter but even my ex. He needs help he really does,with his mental health and drug use but he would never admit that to himself let alone anyone else. He's always taunting me with my mental health problems as if it's a weakness. I'll look into the non molestation order,I did try and get something in place before but they said the problem or act of abuse has to be face to face,it can't be over messages, I just cried and put the phone down. That was 2 years ago. The police were pretty useless.

I've got an app for now just to keep contact going,and I'll definitely take the advice and get some legal advice.

Thank you so so much.

I think this is the app my friend used:
https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

She had to pay about £9 a month to use it but decided it was worth every penny.

Example of the OurFamilyWizard mobile app for co-parents

Tools for Conflict Free Co-Parenting | OurFamilyWizard

OurFamilyWizard is a comprehensive application to solve shared parenting challenges once and for all.

https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 13/05/2024 07:33

Thank you donotneedit I'm really trying to do the best by everyone,mainly my daughter but even my ex. He needs help he really does,with his mental health and drug use but he would never admit that to himself let alone anyone else. He's always taunting me with my mental health problems as if it's a weakness. I'll look into the non molestation order,I did try and get something in place before but they said the problem or act of abuse has to be face to face,it can't be over messages, I just cried and put the phone down. That was 2 years ago. The police were pretty useless.

I've got an app for now just to keep contact going,and I'll definitely take the advice and get some legal advice.

Thank you so so much.

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Donotneedit · 12/05/2024 22:56

Sounds like you’ve handled that really well.
For what it’s worth. I think people are giving you ropey legal advice on here, if you’re thinking of going back to court, I would suggest see if you can find a family court barrister or that does a free 30 minute consultation, now your proceedings have been concluded Cafcass won’t be able to advise you. I would always avoid going back to court, your whole order could be changed by a different judge who disagrees with what the last one did.
you have an order that you like at the moment, it is not necessary for your order to state that your ex is not allowed to abuse you. If the third-party was named on the order, personally I would just offer the ex-a different third-party once you’ve worked out who that will be and then otherwise comply with the order
Personally my next step would be to speak to the police and of course you need to find a third-party Who you can trust. Those parenting apps can be good for gathering evidence if necessary but in your case I don’t n is how much good it will do. It won’t stop him being abusive.
The issue here is that you need to be protected, (shamefully) that is not something that the family court is going to be focused on, they are not the organisation to solve this and I would be surprised if what you are describing would lead to them reducing contact further. That’s why a non-molestation order and if necessary criminal proceedings against him is probably going to be a better way to go.
I don’t think you are in danger of getting in any trouble at this stage. I really wouldn’t be worrying about that.
bless you, hang in there it will be okay

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 22:20

I've messaged the 3rd party and said I'll no longer be using them as a point of contact and they agree its not working. I said I'll be in contact regarding an alternative means of communication so they can relay this to my daughters father.

Thank you for all your help everyone.

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Allofaflutter · 12/05/2024 20:44

I would send a message saying you won’t send updates if he sends abuse as you will have to block the third party as you won’t stand for abuse.

Allofaflutter · 12/05/2024 20:42

Or let him take you back to court and all you have to say is that you had to block the third party due to abuse being sent on. And call police

Allofaflutter · 12/05/2024 20:41

File in court online to ask the court to order a parent app with a tone monitor. Report the abuse to police online too.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 20:30

Sparkellie I'll do that. Do I contact caffcass? Or do I just get the app and start contact that way? Would it be an idea to get it on record with caffcass? I could call them tomorrow for advice I suppose,it wouldn't do any harm.

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sparkellie · 12/05/2024 19:02

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 19:00

Sparkellie it was a mutual decision by myself and my daughters Dad in front of the judge on the day of the hearing

I would go back and ask for it to be changed, show the messages you have had via the third party from him, and ask for the role of the third party to be clearly defined, explicitly stating no abusive messages are to be passed on. But I would also consider that him using the updates to abuse you should mean you are no longer required to provide them at all.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 19:00

Sparkellie it was a mutual decision by myself and my daughters Dad in front of the judge on the day of the hearing

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sparkellie · 12/05/2024 18:59

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:58

It was the courts and Caffcass that recommended indirect contact via messages and pictures

Did they choose the third party?

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:58

It was the courts and Caffcass that recommended indirect contact via messages and pictures

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RedHelenB · 12/05/2024 18:56

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:52

Redhelenb Him being in her life would be very damaging and dangerous for her and me and any contact the way he is is out of the question.

Sorry, ignore I replied to the wrong post.

sparkellie · 12/05/2024 18:55

There are apps you can use, or can you ask for a contact centre to pass on the messages? I'm not sure if that's a thing, but surely it's part of what they are for? Given the abuse you shouldn't have to have any contact with him. Who decided on the third party initially?

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:55

I would do anything to protect my daughter and better her life,her relationships and I would have loved for her father to be involved,it would have been so lovely for her to have a father in her life as i never had mine involved as a child and I really wanted it for her,I really did.

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Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:52

Redhelenb Him being in her life would be very damaging and dangerous for her and me and any contact the way he is is out of the question.

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Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:50

This was my fear donotneedit I don't want to be doing anything wrong really I'm a nice person and I want the best for my daughter,I keep telling him he needs to get help before we can move forward with any more contact but he won't and tells me I'm the problem

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RedHelenB · 12/05/2024 18:49

I think yanbu. The more people to love and cherish a child the better. I don't see why you can't have an " uncle " relationship where you see him every now and then, have some letter/ phone contact and send presents. You've been in his life for over a third of his childhood. I think the mum is being selfish.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:47

I do have his number but its blocked..

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