Please tell me the joys you have of living alone

I don't think anyone sets out to have a less than ideal life but some things happen that are beyond our control. People change & plans go sideways, very strong and assertive women find themselves in relationships that become intolerable and unequal. With luck and courage we can find our way to a new beginning. I have always loved the peace and solitude of living alone and when I left my last relationship, I felt that I had found my way home to myself again and so, to return to the spirit of the thread, that, for me, was a real joy. Along with only having things around me that I love to look at & always having the space to think clearly and once again make choices & decisions that rang true for me.

Same here. I can't begin to imagine having to adjust my life to suit a new person. Never done it and at sixty I have zero interest in the idea (besides, I would have to move - my unit is only made for one person). From my perspective it would be like having a house guest all the time, and I don't even like visitors.

I pretty much do all of these things you mention but as a married couple. I get up when I want, I go to bed when I want, I watch what I want on tv, I have my own routine, I go out when I want - is that not normal?

I did say that someone would come & say that! I’m glad it’s good for you. I just know that after the sheer joy & freedom involved in having my home to myself I could never live with anyone else again.

I totally get this as i was a single mum for a few years and absolutely loved living on my own. Loved not having to shower every night if I couldn't be bothered, as it was only me in bed. Loved having the heating off if I was happy to put on my thermals, rather than having to cater to a man's need for sitting in the house in winter in shorts and t-shirt. Even now I do love an empty house.

BUT at the same time it amazes me. As someone who has been happily married for many years since then I pretty much do all of these things you mention but as a married couple. I get up when I want, I go to bed when I want, I watch what I want on tv, I have my own routine, I go out when I want - is that not normal? Yes I do usually consider what he wants for dinner, and I do his laundry (alongside mine though).. but he does the garden and anything to do with my car 😅

Maybe it's different as we have space to have our own living area at night with own TV (if we want to watch different things or if one of us wants to read). And I do sleep in my own bed in the spare bedroom some nights as he takes all the duvet. But I don't let living with a man limit me - I adjust the experience to be happy in my home. Regardless of circumstances, live your own life and carve your own routine.

Thank you for your concern @cerisepanther73 . I agree that it is almost always women who end up in this position, spinning plates and juggling balls, becoming more and more ground down. The trouble is you begin by simply "helping" and end up with the entire responsibility for another's life, to the detriment of your own.

I do not have any help from other family members but after dogged determination, I have now got my parents to accept that carers coming in every day, for personal care, is non negotiable because that is beyond my boundary. I have also, through similar persistence and determination, got support from hospice at home nurses, lined up for when the end finally comes, not for daily care, although they will attend in an emergency, such as falls and dangerous behaviour. My Dad's dementia is too far advanced for a day care setting and my Mum has point blank refused any such suggestions. But, I feel that I am in a better place in terms of support and, crucially, being on someone's radar. It's nothing like enough but better than before.

@indianrunnerduck

I've been an Carer for an ex partner father of my children who was extremely abusive in the past towards me,

So know how bloody hard this can be at times ect,

I am real Concerned about how much you have had to take on doing Carer's role for your family

It's often females members of family get emotional and physical load like this

Do other members of your family support you 🤔 aswell in caring for your elderly parents ?

Do you have support from Adult Social services at all ? such as Carer or other kinds of support at all, such as a day care centre that your parents can attend for a few hours daily or few times a week,?

You're so welcome - and lasting far too long is the word! I always thought I didn't have it too bad with Mum, because the support services available in this city in Australia are good, but writing it in this thread made me realise how much there was to do, and reminded me of how glad (even with being on our crap unemployment "benefits" coming up) I am to be out of that.

Ah, thank you both @Catsmere & @KnitnNatterAuntie I have learned that boundaries are my friend & my firm boundary this time is not to give up my own, peaceful, hard won space this time. I also tell myself that nothing lasts forever, even though some things last far too long!

Ditto.

(Love your username btw.)

Sending you unMumsnetty hugs @indianrunnerduck

💐

@indianrunnerduck I am so sorry, those are heavier loads than anyone should have to handle. I hope you have support.

I have two children so not technically alone but when they went to exs eow I would buy a steak and sit and enjoy steak and chips infront of one of my favourite films (which I never got to watch when with ex)

Also when you clean the house it stays clean!

Being able to enjoy nights out with out a curfew and constant checking up texts.

Doing day trips/holidays without worrying if he would blow up

Not having to think about what mood he might be in when he came home

Laying in the bath as long as I want

Listening to music I like

@Catsmere I am between the worlds, I do now live alone, which I am grateful for every day, after an abusive relationship with someone who had a life limiting/threatening illness. But I am also a carer to both my parents with Dementia. My Dad is at the end stage, which is challenging & exhausting beyond words.

Thank you, @indianrunnerduck ! Not to derail the thread, but have you also ended your time as a carer?

Congratulations on your freedom too @Catsmere Your heartfelt post really resonated with me. It is exhausting beyond words to care for another and mostly involves surrendering your own life. I hope you will enjoy your well deserved peace also.

Congratulations on having your freedom, OP!

Mine's different - no man in the picture, but I'm alone for the first time in my life. Circumstances meant my mum and I always lived together, and for the past seven years I was her carer. She went into residential care a few months ago.

Now I have my own tiny unit in a retirement village. It's just me and my two cats. They're the only ones whose care I have to deal with. No more waking up at night because Mum might have fallen, no more dressing her and bringing her to my unit for meals, no more getting her to medical appointments, no more constant repetition of the same things in conversation, no more keeping track of lost glasses and hearing aids, no more having to get up early because it takes an hour to get her up afterward, no more not being able to go to bed until she's in hers.

I can get up when I like. I can watch whatever I want, or nothing at all. I can spend the evening in bed if I'm tired. The only appointments I have to make are mine and the cats'. I don't have to get respite carers in if I want to be out all day. I don't have to make sure there's space to manoeuvre a walker or wheelchair around. I'm not bound by the timetable of her physiotherapists' and personal carers' visits. At last, my home is my home.

Similar here. Moving helped hugely, but five years on and I’m still happily astounded at the freedom I sometimes feel- just simple things like being able to eat what I want, when I want. Going to sleep and walking up feeling content, rather than full of worry. You’ll start to enjoy things you’d forgotten that were important to you. I often feel the fuzzy warm peace and safety that I did when I was a child, which I never did when I was in that relationship.
I love living alone so much that, even though I date from time to time, I can’t imagine ever living with another adult again! I find the having to compromise and accommodate and check in - even in a good relationship- too much.

Also and additional and as I've not seen it mentioned, it may have been mentioned and I missed it, but anyway .

I get to pick my furnishings and TV.
The sofa I want. The colours I want. The telly I want.

If I want a red sofa with pink and purple cushions, I can have it and there's no one telling me they won't sit in it because it looks gay.. 🙄

Oh and I don't have a fucking huge telly badly installed on the wall, taking up over half my living room because it makes football easier to watch somehow.. and no, it's not like being at the cinema and the little speakers and wires rumbling the sofa are just annoying.

I can have flowers now too, if I'm of a mind too. They're pretty and smelly nice and they're not a waste of money.

And candles... Not just big jar ones, but little, cute, nice smelling ones. I could have hundreds of I like and I can light them and enjoy their aroma without someone asking "What fuckin' stinks in 'ere?" everytime.

🤪🤣

I think, in seriousness though, the best thing about being single and living alone, there's aren't any negative comments that spoil the nice moments.

It may sound light and silly, moaning about someone saying the house smells when I put the candle on etc. but it chips away at your soul.

You do something , anything, that makes you smile.
Light a candle, "it stinks in here"
buy some flowers, "waste of money, they'll die"
put on a song you love, "not this rubbish again"
pick a beautiful cushion from Dunelm, "we don't need more tat"
Etc. the negative comment turns the smile and momentary sense of light into a a less happy and less shiny place.
(Maybe it's just the people I've been with but they've all been much the same.)

Stay away from vampires of happiness, they suck.

👏All of this and more! Because why not!

1. whole massive bed to myself.
2. my house is clean and tidy
3. eat, drink and watch what I want
4. go where I want
5. do what I want with zero restrictions or considerations for others.

Not disappointing anyone

• if you want to sleep in on the weekend
• if you want to while away the weekend binge watching or reading one of your favourite
• if you decide popcorn and water is a decent dinner
• if you skip a meal because you plan of getting you favourite takeout
• because you decide to have a few friends over for a glass of wine or two and a good old laughter session into the early hours, that everyone decides to stay over and you make a real weekend of it
• all the mess (if any) is yours

I can’t imagine ever living with another male partner
DS (adult) lives with me whilst waiting on house purchase to go through - he’s gay and it’s more like a house share feeling - we are very respectful of each others space etc
DP has own home and we meet up on a weekend just for 24 hours or so - although we do manage an occasional holiday together

You are always aware of when something needs replacing and can top it up...rather than going to actually use said item e.g. toilet roll, milk, and finding there's none left, and nobody said/did anything about it.

I am still married but have had some low spots - I think in all honesty after 28 years the thing I like least is constant compromise and almost 'permission seeking' if you want to do stuff on your own- I realise not all men are like this but post 50 it seems a lot are indeed like this- especially if they don't have any local based hobbies or friends to link up with regularly.

Take time to just get used to it.
The peace is amazing .
Don't be hard on yourself
Don't rush yourself with your healing journey.
Find you

I am on the journey myself.
The worst thing I find is my anxiety levels, the effect from the abuse has left me with really bad general anxiety now. Some days are better than others. I am taking a day at a time and seeing where this new journey takes me.

Sending hugs and encouragement.